Transcript:Into the Wild Green Yonder
|← Previous episode transcript
← Previous film transcript
|Navigation in production order||Next →|
|Into the Wild Green Yonder|
David X. Cohen
(Parts One and Four)
- [Pan over space, planets and meteors.]
- [Caption: BLACK DWARF SYSTEM - DEEPEST SPACE]
- [A green light claps in the middle of the screen and a pulsing, green ripple expands outward. Cut to a violet star.]
- [Caption: VIOLET DWARF SYSTEM - SLIGHTLY DEEP SPACE]
- [One of the green waves passes over the system and the planets all glow a light green. Zoom into the largest celestial body in the system and into a bubbling pool of liquid in a crater where a strand of DNA is formed. The strand fades into a roller coaster track in Mars Vegas. Some of the Planet Express crew and other characters fly across the screen in a roller coaster car. A parody of the "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign says "Welcome to Fabulous Mars Vegas."]
- [The opening credits start, with a theme song that is almost exclusively tubular bells.]
Seth MacFarlane (singing): You and I will be reborn,
In a future place and time,
If everything our Hindu brethren say is true.
In an age of things that hover,
You and I will still be lovers,
And we'll say to ourselves
That was then and this is, too.
'Cause we'll still find the happening hot spots,
We'll still cruise the cool casinos.
You'll still fly me to the moon,
Although the moon to which you fly me,
Could be Phobos or Deimos.
The psychic worms from Rigel Nine,
Who control everything we do,
Will make us think that was then,
And 3010 is exactly the same as 1962.
Don't expect any changes, my friend,
That was then and this is, too.
- [Scene: A hover grand stand is filled with a crowd of people who overlook Mars Vegas from far away.]
Bender: Wow, Mars Vegas. Long live the eternal city.
Mr. Wong: Two, one, zero!
- [He pushes down a plunger and Mars Vegas is levelled by a large explosion.]
Bender: Rest in hell, Crapville!
- [Scene: A large worm moves through the desert of Mars.]
Mrs. Wong: Out here in the desert, we’re gonna build bigger, better Vegas.
Mr. Wong: Bathtubs size of oceans, hookers size of bouncers.
Bender: [He blubbers.] Hamburger!
- [The worm has stopped at a station.]
Worm Announcer: Stand clear of the closing jaws.
- [He makes a "bing bong" noise as the passengers disembark.]
- [Scene: The group stands in a construction site of a new hotel.]
Bender: Yo, you need any girders bent, I know a guy.
Amy Wong: So what's gonna be over there, Dad?
Mr. Wong: That? That the oasis. [A bulldozer destroys a small area of trees and grass. A tree was missed, so a man sets it on fire with a flame thrower.] Future site of Oasis Hotel. [He laughs.] Take that, you stupid Mother Nature.
- [A car door closes. Pan over to the Feministas standing behind the caution perimeter with protest signs.]
Frida Waterfall: Okay. Let's hit him hard.
Feministas: This land is your land. This land is my land
Fry: Who are you noisy women?
Frida: I'm Frida Waterfall, leader of the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you man-doze this beautiful gyno-desert.
Mr. Wong: Well, I'm Leo Wong, and I say, "Boom!"
- [He pushes down a plunger and the Feministas are send flying into the air from an explosion. Everybody else laughs as they fall back to the surface. Frida lands on Fry and it is revealed that her Femi-necklace has lodged in his brain. Everybody gasps.]
Frida: Hey, what happened to my femi-necklace? And where's my mega-fem?
- [The megaphone hits her in the head and she is knocked out. Zoidberg rushes to Fry with a stethoscope.]
Professor Farnsworth: Is he badly hurt, Dr. Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: I don't quite know how to say this. (Sobbing:) Fry is dead!
- [Everybody starts sobbing, but then Fry groans and wakes up.]
Zoidberg: Wait, not dead. The other thing.
Mr. Wong: Damn eco-broads! You can't even spray for eagles without upsetting these kooks. [He sprays a tree and two eagles fall out, then a cave man falls out.]
Leela: Now, hang on. Before you do construction, don't you have to make sure you're not harming any native species?
Mr. Wong: You mean, cursory environmental survey? Already done! By top scientist.
- [He interrupts Farnsworth counting a wad of cash.]
Farnsworth: Err, what? Oh, my, yes. You've got the go-ahead, Mr. Wong. This place is deader than last year's cat.
Leela: No, it's not! There's precious life right here in this scum puddle. [He holds up a desert muck leech.]
Farnsworth: Ah! Cyprinodon martius. The desert muck leech. Amazingly, the entire species lives in this one tiny stink hole. (To Mr. Wong:) Killing these will be so much easier than exterminating those ponies.
- [He imitates a pony, then imitates a machine gun, then imitates a dying pony.]
Leela: Wait a second. Leeches may not be cuddly like pandas or tribbles, but these poor endangered creatures deserve... [She pets the leech, it makes a noise and then it bites and clamps onto her neck.] Get off me! [She throws it to the ground.]
Bender: I'll get it with my trusty foot cups: Stompy and Smashy.
- [Bender tries repeatedly to squish the creature, but Leela bends over to stop him from trying.]
Leela: No, don't kill it! We have to...
- [When she bends over, the leech bites onto her neck again. She runs off-screen screaming. Mr. Wong is seen pouring a bag of Poison Cement into the hole the leech came from. He then directs a large parking lot paving machine to roll over the area.]
Mr. Wong: There. They're not endangered anymore. They're extinct. [He chuckles.]
Leela: No, they're not. I saved this one. And I'm gonna raise it and care for it, so the world will forever know what it's lost. [The leech then bites her eye and she screams.] You freaking slime wad! [She pulls is off her eye and stomps on it, then stops.] No. I killed it. It was the last of its kind. [The creature comes back to life and bites onto her knee.] Mother-(bleep). Let go of me, you... [She holds her leg up and fries the leech with a laser from her Wristlomojacker.] Poor thing.
- [It flies back at her neck and clamps on again. She screams as the camera pans over the Mr. Wong and Fry. Mr. Wong kicks Fry's leg twice to wake him up.]
Mr. Wong: Tell you what, Fry. You all promise not to sue me, I give you token for free entry in poker tournament. [He slips a poker chip into Fry's pocket on his shirt while Fry is still somewhat unconscious.] He took it, you all saw it!
Bender: Maybe we did, maybe we didn't. [Leela runs across the screen behind them, battling the leech still.] What's in it for me, Bender?
Mr. Wong: Okay, okay. Come back when New Vegas opens, I give you all free rooms, free dinner and free tickets to Céline Dion.
Bender: Lose the Céline Dion tickets and you got yourself a deal.
Mr. Wong: All right, damnit, done!
- [The crew cheers.]
Bender: All right, I scored.
- [Scene: The Wong Hotel & Casino is completed. The crew is playing a row of slot machines.]
Zoidberg: Look out, Vegas, I've got a system. [He inserts a quarter and pulls the lever while laughing. The rolls of the machine land on "OUT OF ORDER," "OUT OF ORDER" and "NO REFUNDS."] Oh. I'm bankrupt.
Fry: [He chuckles.] You said it, Hermes. He is pathetic, but lovable.
Hermes: Yup. What? I said no such thing, mon.
Fry: I am not acting weird, Leela. Why is everyone talking at once?
Leela: Fry, calm down and stop braining.
Amy: Yeah, Fry, maybe you need to-
Fry: You're right, Amy! Maybe I do need some fresh air.
Bender: Man, I'm worried about him. But not enough to stop gambling for even a single second.
- [He uses his quarter on a string to scam the slot machine and pulls on the lever. He gets three Leo Wong heads.]
Three Leos on the Machine: You win, damnit!
- [Quarters are dispensed from the machine as bells are going off.]
Bender: [He laughs.] It's all in the wrist. [He unscrews his hand from his wrist and sucks up the quarters like a vacuum. He sucks quarters out of Farnsworth's pocket as well.]
- [Scene: A street in Mars Vegas. Traffic has filled the streets. Cut to Fry's eyes as he walks down the sidewalk filled with pedestrians.]
- [There is overlapping chatter.]
Fry: Voices always yelling. Who - who said that? I'm not insane. Stop it. Stop talking in me!
- [Fry runs into a close alley.]
Hutch Waterfall: Voices bothering you, man? I've been there. You need one of these doodangs. [He taps on his foil hat.]
Fry (Over the chatter): A foil hat? Of course, he likes pastrami. What about the dog's testicles? [Hutch puts his foil hat on Fry's head and the voices quiet.] Hey, it worked. The voices stopped.
Hutch: They've got a huge selection of carburetors... Hang on. Hang on. [He searches through a dumpster for a new hat and finds one with some pizza stuck to it.] That's better. My name's Hutch.
Fry: Hi, Hutch. So what's with the obnoxious, shrieking voices? Are my fillings picking up The View?
Hutch: No, man. Truth is, it's other people's thoughts. You're a mind reader.
Fry: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Although, actually, it was sort of obvious.
Hutch: You don't believe me? Take off the helmet.
Fry: I believe you.
Hutch: Seriously, do it. [Fry sighs and takes his hat off.] (Telepathically): Testing, testing. Do you read me?
Fry (Telepathically): Loud and clear.
Fry: I said, "Loud and clear." Only I said it with my thinker, not my talker.
Hutch: Whoa! Freaky. Why can't I read your thoughts?
Fry: I don't know. Wait. What's that about a secret society?
Hutch: Never mind that. Just keep the foil on and you'll be okay. Also, it'll keep the Dark Ones from incinerating your brain.
Fry: That's a plus.
Hutch: And don't ever, ever, ever tell anyone you can read minds, or the Dark Ones will get you like that. [He poorly snaps his fingers.] Hang on, pizza grease. Like that. [He snaps his fingers and Fry let's out a concerned wail.]
- [Scene: Many robots are walking into a theatre that is presenting Gearotica. In the theatre, robot performers are lowered from the ceiling and dance with the music.]
Clamps: Jeez, get a load of the batteries on her. I'd like to get my clamps on those. Give her a jump, you know what I mean? [He laughs alone.]
Donbot: Whoa, whoa. Show some decorum there, Clamps. This ain't no strip show. This is a beguiling display of the pornographic arts.
Joey Mousepad: Yo, Skip, I can see a guy's butt.
Michael's Wife: Oh, Michael, this is the perfect end to a perfect honeymoon.
Michael: I love you so much.
- [They move in to kiss, but Bender lands between them.]
Bender: Is this seat taken?
Michael: Actually, we...
Bender: Slide me those chicken wings. So what part of Podunk you rubes from?
Michael: The north-eastern.
- [Bender belches fire after drinking a bottle of red wine.]
- [Two robots on stage move their hips on a gear until they are close enough to exchange a compact disc from one slot to another. The crowd applauds.]
Announcer: Monsieurs et mademoiselles, our circus of the senses now arrives by steamboat in New Orleans, circa 2873. The muted lament of a trombone resonates through the fog, which lingers even now, months after the attack of the fog monster. With but one hope of restoring Gearoticus to his throne, our sensual fate rests in the gyrations of... Fanny.
- [Fog covers the stage, but is blown away by the air movement from Fanny's fan, which is fixed to her rear end.]
Bender: Oh. [He stops eating and watches Fanny move her fan around on stage. He stammers and his eyes extend out of his head to zoom in. They extend out farther, then his antenna extends and the woman next to him gasps.]
- [Scene: Bender is scatting as he walks toward Fanny's dressing room door with flowers hidden behind him. He knocks on the door and Fanny answers.]
Bender: I'm Bender. Let's do it. [He holds out the flowers.]
- [The two stare at each other for a few seconds until the Donbot comes out of the dressing room with his gun cocked and pointed at Bender.]
Donbot: Who is it, the Feds?
Bender: [He gasps.] Aren't you the Donbot, head of the Robot Mafia?
Donbot: Allegedly. And this is my beloved wife, Fanny, whose honor I would proudly defend with a power drill. Well, I gotta go drown a stoolie.
- [As soon as the bathroom door closes Bender and Fanny start kissing, Fanny's fan is spinning. Suddenly the Donbot opens the door and Bender and Fanny quickly separate]
Donbot: I'm gonna be in here a while, so do me a favor and drive my wife home. It's one of them self-driving cars, so just sit in the back and do whatever.
- [They start kissing again. Fanny twangs Bender's antenna.]
Fanny: Oh, Bender, your lips are intoxicating. It's like kissing an ashtray full of hot wings.
- [They resume kissing and fall to the floor.]
Bender (As if he were speaking through a fan): Aww yeahh!
- [Scene: Fry is peacefully walking down a street. He stops and lift his hat off. The voices grow louder and louder until he puts his hat back on.]
Fry (Telepathically): My God, I really can read minds. I have a superpower! There must be something great I can do with this.
- [He gasps. Cut to Fry standing in front of a Women's locker room door. He removes his hat and quickly walks in.]
Fry: Hello, ladies, I can read your thoughts. [Punches are heard and Fry is thrown out of the room.] Oh, wait, that's invisibility.
- [Fry walks by a banner for Leo's Poker Tournament, back tracks to it and gasps.]
Fry (Telepathically): Poker. With my mind-reading abilities and my invisibility... Wait, no, just the mind reading. I can't lose!
Fry: Sign me up for the tournament, please.
Administrator: Okey-doke, Jiffy Pop. Entry fee's 50,000 smackers.
Fry: 50,000? Drat, all I have is my life savings and a token for free admission to this poker tournament.
Administrator: Close enough. [He puts the wad of cash in his breast pocket.]
- [Scene: "ELZAR'S AT THE WONG" - The crew plus Fanny is occupying a booth in the restaurant.]
Amy: You're having an affair with the head of the robot mafia's wife?
Bender (Off-screen): Yup, this is her I'm making out with.
- [The entire table is shown, Bender and Fanny are laying in the center of it kissing.]
Hermes: Bender, are you crazy?
Bender: No, it's Fry who's crazy in this one.
Fry: Psht, I'm not crazy.
Leela: You sure you're okay, Fry? I mean, you do have tin foil on your head.
Fry: So? You've got a leech on your neck. Oh, and speaking of sucking on your neck, want to go to a movie later?
Elzar: Hey, there! How are you folks doing tonight?
Bender: Great. What are the specials?
Elzar: Well, let's see now. We've got a wonderful grizzly bear that's been dipped in cornmeal and lightly tormented. Questions?
Amy: What was the bear's name?
Amy: Ooh, I'll have him.
- [Cut to the entrance of the restaurant, Donbot, Joey Mousepad and Clamps walk in. Fanny gasps, Bender yelps and moves half of his head into his body.]
Bender: Hide me!
Joey Mousepad: Hey, Donbot, ain't that your wife what with you had that wedding with?
Fanny: [While sauntering over to Donbot looking rather bloated.] Donbot, honey! What a pleasant shock! I was just having dinner alone, when suddenly you walk in on us.
Donbot: Alone, huh?
- [Her body groans and Bender erupts out of her chest cavity.]
Bender: Where am I? I was exploring a wormhole through space many light years from this restaurant, when suddenly I was surrounded by darkness. (To Fanny:) Hot, sexy darkness. [He purrs sensually.] Oh, why, hello, Donbot! Hello, miss, have we met? [He shakes Fanny's hand.] I'm Bender. The world's most sexual robot. I mean, the world's most boundary-respecting robot.
Donbot: Nice to see you, Bender. Welcome back to our universe. Listen, sugar, I stuck up the Burlington Coat Factory and got you a little something. It's a $49 value.
- [He puts a white fur coat on her and she spins her fan and squeals with delight.]
Danny: Donbot, I love you! (To Bender:) Not really.
Bender: Man, this is great! I always wanted to nail a dame in a fur coat, and now's my chance. [He catches himself.] I mean, if you'll introduce me to one, sir. (To Fanny:) One as sexy as you, baby! Bender out. [He struts away while humming/scatting. Zoom on Donbot's eyes, they squint, showing Donbot is onto Bender.]
- [Establishing shot of the Wong Hotel & Casino. Scene: Fanny and Bender walk through the Casino.]
Fanny: I never felt so alive, Bender. Listen, this turquoise-encrusted bra is worth 50 grand. Let's sell it and run off before the Donbot gets wise.
Bender: [He sighs.] No. It will take a lot more money than that to make a girl like you happy.
Fanny: No, it won't.
Bender: Yeah, it will. Shut up! We'll run off, but not till after I win the Universal Poker Championship! [He raises his hand to reveal his plan, reaches into Fanny's bosom, rips out the bra and slams it on the Administrator's counter.] One entry, please.
Fanny: Bender, no! You can't beat the best players in the universe. You're not lucky enough.
Bender: Oh, no? I'm 40% lucky. [He bangs on his chest twice.] The scrap metal I'm made from included a truckload of horseshoes from the luckiest racehorses in Mexico, who had just been sent to a glue factory.
Fanny: They don't sound so lucky to me.
Bender: Not without their shoes.
- [Scene: The Hip Joint Janitor walks up to the railing of a casino that has a "Dancing Fountains" display in front of it. He dumps a bottle of Diet Slurm and a pack of Mentos into the water and the show begins. Pan over to Bender, who is getting his foot cups polished by a machine. He is cheerfully humming again and Fanny walks up to him.]
Fanny: Here, Bendy, take this. It will give you 70% more luck. It's the Donbot's lucky robot's foot.
Bender: All right! With two kinds of luck, I can't lose. [Pause] No, wait, three. I stepped on a leprechaun.
- [Joey Mousepad and Clamps stop in their car when they see Bender and Fanny together.]
Joey Mousepad: Yo, you see this over here over there?
Clamps: I'm powering up the clamps.
- [Scene: An old store titled "SMALL BILL'S LAUNDERING." The mafia trio sit in the back of the shop.]
Donbot: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let us not rush to judgment.
Joey Mousepad: But, Skip, that was your lucky robot's foot what came off of your lucky leg.
Donbot: [He turns his chair to the side and shows his missing appendage.] While it is true that I did wake up with only one foot this morning, there is no proof that my beloved Fanny was involved. Aside from the hacksaw I found under her pillow.
Clamps: Well, what about that Bender guy? You want I should give him the clamps?
Donbot: Not yet, Clamps. Only one thing can prove that he has my lucky foot.
Clamps: Torture with the clamps or a clamp-like device?
Donbot: No. We are gonna sit tight and see if he wins the poker tournament. He does, that proves he's packing my lucky foot, in which event...
Clamps: The clamps! Or a clamp-like device.
- [Scene: Penn & Teller are hosting the 3009 Universal Poker Tournament at the Wong Hotel.]
Penn Jillette: Welcome viewers who fell asleep with the TV on! It's the 3009 no-limit hold 'em championship. [The crowd cheers.] I'm the massive head of Penn Jillette, and here with a color commentary, my partner Teller. [Teller's head is floating in his own jar. As always, he is deceased.] Our act really didn't change much when he died.
Bender: Pardon me, I'm new to this game. Is this duffle bag big enough for all your money? [He laughs and sits down at the table.]
Fry: [He walks up to the table.] Bender? Oh, boogers. We're in the same tournament. Quick, get your entry fee back before I bankrupt you.
Bender: Pfft! In your dreams, nutloaf.
Fry: Bite my shiny metal hat.
- [Graphic: "HAND 1." Leo Wong is the dealer.]
Penn Jillette (Whispering): Tex Connecticut, the pride of Kansas City, first to act. [He has a Queen and a Nine and calls the blinds.] Smiley Spiff, up next. [He has a Jack and a Ten and also calls.] Looks like Boobs Vanderbilt has a decent pair. Also, she's got two eights. [She calls.] And Bender Rodriguez picks up a lucky deal right off the bat. [He calls as well.]
- [Fry looks at his cards. Two Kings. He lifts his hat up a bit and reads Bender's mind.]
Bender (Telepathically): Woo! Two aces. I'm thinking guitar solo. [He mimics a guitar solo.]
Fry: He puts his hat back down.] I fold.
Penn Jillette: Holy crap! A stunning play by mentally ill newcomer Philip Fry. It's almost as if he knew Bender had two aces.
- [Pull out of Penn's shot to reveal that he is sitting 20 or so feet from the game table.]
'Boobs Vanderbilt: Bender has two aces? I'm out.
Tex Connecticut: I'm out.
Lrrr: I'm out.
Bender: [He laughs and pulls in the chips.] Suck my luck!
- [Joey Mousepad, Donbot and Clamps are sitting in the audience.]
Donbot: See this gun? [He holds up a gun, but then he crumples it in his hand.] That's what I'm gonna do to Bender if he wins.
- [Graphic: "Hand 6." Fry wins. Graphic: "Hand 13." Bender wins the pot, a gold watch and a human baby. Graphic: "Hand 79."]
Lrrr: All in. Call my mighty bid at your peril. [He growls at the table. Fry lifts his hat.] (Telepathically): My cards are awful, and I need a hug.
Fry: I call your bluff.
- [Fry wins the hand. Lrrr growls at Fry.]
Lrrr: I shall annihilate... Fry hugs him.] (Sobbing:) I just wanted to make my daddy proud.
Lrrr's Father: Well, you didn't. I want you and your junk moved out by Monday.
Penn Jillette: It's getting pretty intense, folks. Based on the state of decomposition of Teller's head, we're now in hour 19 of the tournament. And the first bad deal of the night for Bender.
Bender: Hey, pal, help me out here. [He holds up his cards - a Seven and a Two.] This is the worst possible hand, right?
Tex Connecticut: I'm all in.
Bender: All in! I mean, fold. Whatever.
Penn Jillette: [Leo deals the flop.] Well, Bender's luck just ran out. No card can save him from elimination.
- [Cut back to the table. A giant prop card falls on Tex Connecticut's neck and incapacitates him.]
Boobs Vanderbilt: Oh, my gourds! He's dead. [A card falls on her as well.]
- [The killer cards total 21.]
Leo Wong: 21, winner! [He pushes the chips to Bender.]
Bender: Wooo! I'm so full of luck, it's shooting out like luck diarrhoea.
Penn Jillette: Wake up, poker fans! We're down to our final two players in heads-up action for the Championship. Your perspective, Teller? [A rat eats Teller's left eye.]
- [Leo deals cards to Bender and Fry. Fry looks at his cards then raises his hat and looks at Bender, who has yet to look at his cards. Bender refuses to look at his cards. Cut to Donbot who is watching from the crowd and tries to crack his knuckles. He breaks off all of his fingers in the process.]
Bender: All in.
- [The crowd gasps.]
Fry: But-but, you didn't even look at your cards!
Bender: Looking at one's cards is a crutch for players who rely on skill.
- [Fry lifts his hat again. Bender is scatting like a guitar. Fry lowers his hat and gulps.]
Leo Wong: Any day now, Fry. You in or out?
- [Fry stammers as he looks for an answer.]
Bender: What's the matter, Fry, you scared? Or just [He spins his head around and wiggles in fingers] crazy? [He laughs.]
Fry: All right, all in. [Leo deals the cards.] Yes! Four aces!
Bender: [Fry moves in to take the pot.] Ah-ah-ah. Read 'em and weep, and then tell me what they are.
Leo Wong: Two kings. And with three on the board, that gives Bender five kings.
- [The crowd gasps.]
Fry: But how is that...
Penn Jillette: I don't believe it. Bender has just been dealt the King of Beers, a coaster from the bar that somehow got mixed into the deck. But it still counts!
- [The crowd cheers and music begins playing.]
Leo Wong: Bender win the Championship!
Bender: [He eats the money.] That's some good money. [He then belches fire.]
Fanny: [She comes running over with a suitcase.] You did it, Bender. You're the greatest.
Bender: Tell me something I don't know, sweetass. Now, let's boogie. We'll be in Space Tahiti before the Donbot knows what hit him.
- [As Bender is walking away from the table, he throws the Donbot's lucky robot's foot behind him and it strikes the Donbot in the face.]
Donbot: Now I am suspicious.
- [Scene: A desert on Mars at night. Bender and Fanny are digging holes. They are illuminated by the Donbot's car headlights.
Bender: Okay, we finished digging this shallow grave. Can we go now?
- [The mafia trio then shoot Fanny and Bender for a while with machine guns. Part way through the shooting, Donbot stops to check the time and then resumes his firing. Cut to them driving away from the filled in graves.]
- [Scene: The Planet Express ship lands in the desert.]
Fry (Sobbing): Poor Bender left me one last voicemail before the Robot Mafia buried him in the desert.
Bender (On cell phone): Fry, old friend, before I die, I just wanted to say... [Beep.] Hang on, I'm getting another call. Hello? [The gun fire commences and Bender screams.]
Hermes: Line up, people! Everyone take a shovel and one sixth of the planet. We'll meet back here in 50 years, our bodies broken and our lives wasted.
Zoidberg: And you say these are free shovels?
- [There is a rumbling and a hole begins to form in the sand near them. As the dust settles Bender walks out of the hole with Fanny.]
Bender: I'm back, baby.
Fry: Bender! I thought the Robot Mafia killed you.
Bender: Nah, they just shot us and buried us a few times as a warning.
Fanny: Bender was so brave. He never stopped making out with me the whole time they were shooting us.
Bender: I sure didn't.
- [Joey Mousepad pulls up with his car in the background.]
Fanny: I gotta get back to my husband, baby. Will I see you tonight?
Bender: Probably not.
- [Scene: Mr. Wong is playing mini golf at his country club.]
Mr. Wong: It's a 14-footer with a clown hazard. What club you recommend, Baggy?
Baggy: As on every hole, I suggest the putter.
Fry: Your golf club sure is classy, Mr. Wong. Naked statue classy.
- [Mr. Wong putts and ends up far from the hole and curses in Mandarin.]
Leela: It is very nice. I just wish Amy and I didn't have to wear these sexist badges on our melons. [They stand up and show badges pinned to their chests that say "WOMAN."]
Amy: We're lucky even to play as guests, Leela. Dad's club has a very strict "No girls allowed" policy.
- [Mr. Wong putts again and misses, then curses wildly again.]
Leela: That doesn't seem fair.
Amy: It really is. Everybody knows women don't have the focus to play miniature golf at a professional level.
- [Amy makes her putt right through the clown's legs and lands it right next to the hole.]
Leela: But that's the best shot of the day!
Mr. Wong: Is that my ball? I think that my ball.
- [He claims Amy's ball as his own, but still misses his small putt and curses in Mandarin again.]
Amy: Pfft, great putt, Dad.
Mr. Wong: Okay, we're done.
- [The sprinklers turn on.]
Leela: Mr. Wong, how do you keep this place so green in the middle of the desert? Doesn't that waste a lot of water?
Mr. Wong: Nah, we got plenty water, pumped directly from flamingo lake. [The flamingos sitting in the lake are sucked into the drain with all of the water.] They'll be fine. [Pink feathers are expelled from the sprinklers.]
- [Scene: The four are travelling in a golf cart.]
Mr. Wong: Oh, yeah, I love miniature golf. Love everything about it, except how damn miniature it is. That's why I'm building the universe's biggest miniature golf course.
- [A crane picks up a ball the size of the golf car and drops it into a large cannon.]
Mr. Wong: This the first tee.
Fry: Where's the hole?
Mr. Wong: On Pluto's moon, Hydra. It's a six-billion-mile par-two. Tough shot, even for a man. [Leela groans. Mr. Wong adjusts the cannon with a dial near the tee. He strikes the button that fires the ball and everybody rushes over to a row of binoculars.] (Leo VO): Around the sun. Bank off Jupiter. And right into the... [The ball lands short of the hole and Mr. Wong curses in Mandarin.] I'll be right back. [He gets in a golf cart that has a dome over it and flies to Hydra. Fry, Leela and Amy watch from the binoculars. Mr. Wong smacks the giant ball his his putter, but it stops on the edge of the hole. He growls and curses in Mandarin. He bounces over to the ball and smacks his with his putter again, then kicks it.] It dropped in! Put me down for a two.
Amy: Two. [She writes down 8.]
Mr. Wong: Keep in mind, that just the first hole. For full course, we gonna bulldoze this entire arm of the Milky Way.
Leela: What? You're gonna wipe out 10% of the galaxy for a stupid golf course?
Mr. Wong: First of all, it 12% . Second, yes, you betcha.
Leela: But you have no idea what life forms might be evolving out there.
Mr. Wong: That's exactly why I'm hiring an impartial scientist to perform an environmental survey. That's him in the money shower.
- [Farnsworth is in the money shower, giggling as money rains down around him.]
- [Scene: The Planet Express Ship is flying through a field of asteroids. A light from the turret on the ship scans the space boulders for life.]
Fry (VO): Delivery boy's log. Having fallen asleep on what I thought was the toilet, I awoke to find the environmental survey in progress.
Farnsworth: Status reports, Science Officer.
Bender: Zilcho. No sign of life or intelligence. [He laughs.] (Telepathically): Just like Fry on a date.
Fry: [He laughs.] Hey!
Leela: Okay, so we haven't found any life yet. I still don't see why you men can't be happy with regular-sized miniature golf.
Farnsworth: Leela, evolution has programmed our fabulous male brains to take anything anybody else thinks is important and make it bigger. [He takes a slurp of a "128oz. Big Burp."] Have you seen my new 301-inch TV?
- [He presses a button on a remote and a large TV descends at the front of the ship.]
Announcer: Hypnotoad is brought to you by the MagnaPhallix 302-inch TV. It's bigger!
Farnsworth: Oh, hell! [He throws his beverage at the TV and it falls apart.]
Bender: [An alarm sounds.] Captain, I'm detecting life on the Spock-o-scope!
- [Leela gasps. The ship hovers over the planet. Cut to a fish-like creature waddles onto land. It uses its fins as feet and walks around. Pan up to flowers blooming and flying insects pollinating them.]
Leela: It's amazing. It's like a textbook on evolution.
Fry: Except in Kansas.
Bender: But isn't Mr. Wong building the 18th hole here? And the golf pants museum?
Farnsworth: Indeed so. This whole area will be incinerated when he implodes that sun there into a black hole.
Leela: That beautiful violet star?
Farnsworth: It's so you can't keep your ball at the end of the game.
Fry: Yo, that's messed up.
Leela: Well, there won't be any imploding once they read our environmental review. Right, Professor?
Farnsworth: Ohh, twaddle-squat. There's no scientific consensus that life is important.
Bender: Yeah. Life, schmife.
Clip Board: [Farnsworth checks an option.] Approved for demolition.
Leela: It's you and me, ponytail. [She cracks her ponytail like a whip.]
- [Scene: Wongminister Miniature Golf Club. Nixon's head pulls up in a limo.]
Guard: We're here, Mr. President.
Richard Nixon's head: Arroo! Let's play some mini-golf.
- [The headless body of Agnew, Nixon and Mr. Wong are playing mini-golf. Agnew is putting.]
Nixon: Now, just give it a light tap, Agnew. [Agnew pulls his club up high.] No, no, no, just a light...
- [Agnew grunts and sends the ball hurtling away from the tee. Cut to Zoidberg on a diving board high above a pool.]
Zoidberg: Now for a triple clam dip, with a double - [The ball smashes into his head and knocks him on his back.] OW! [He falls off the diving board and lands on the concrete surrounding the pool.] OW!
Nixon: Tough luck, Agnew. Looks like you and Wong owe me a Charleston Chew. [He laughs.]
- [The Feministas blast through a hedge and crash the game.]
Feministas: Shut up and hear our wisdom. Save the ecosystem. Shut up and hear our wisdom! Save the ecosystem!
Nixon: What gives, Wong? You said no chicks allowed.
- [Agnew growls.]
Frida: We are the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you...What was it again?
Leela: We will not let you implode the violet dwarf star at galactic coordinates 167.84, -58.03, mark 948.
Mr. Wong: Already approved, you cackling hens. So get out, or I'll have vice-president Agnew's headless body throw you out.
Leela: I'd like to see him try.
Nixon: Me, too. Should look funny. Sic 'em, Agnew.
- [Agnew breaks his club in half and wanders toward the women. Leela bumps into a parked golf cart and causes it to roll down a hill, toward Agnew.]
Nixon: Runaway golf cart!
Leela: Look out, Agnew!
- [Agnew tries to dodge the cart, but it follows his movements and runs him over.]
Mr. Wong: Aah!
Leela: Is... is he okay?
Mr. Wong: No pulse.
Nixon: They killed the headless remains of Agnew. Arrest them!
Frida: All Feministas she-vacuate the premises. I mean "femises."
- [The Feministas run away and the presidential guards chase after them. One drives the limo over Agnew's body.]
- [Scene: Planet Express Lounge. Nixon is on TV.]
Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, these eco-crooks will face the maximum sentence. For killing a headless torso, that's six weeks.
Bender: Well, this is embarrassing. Here I've been blabbing on for years about killing all humans, and who actually does something about it? Some chick.
Fry: Leela's not a killer, and she's not some chick. She's the chick I love. And don't tell her I called her a chick, or she'll kill me.
- [Scene: A hover-copter flows over the city with search lights. The Feministas are hiding in a building with the sign "Eco-Feminist Reading Room" in the window. When the spotlight passes over it, a Feminista switches it to "Something even less popular."]
Frida (through her megaphone): Everyone stay absolutely quiet!
Feminista: That thing's on. Shh!
Feminista: Turn it off!
Frida (through megaphone): Oh, sorry.
Frida: How do you turn it off?
Frida (through megaphone): There. Did that do it?
OTHERS: No. Stop it. Shut up.
Frida: Here's the button here. [An alarm starts wailing from the megaphone.] (Through megaphone): And I think I... Now I got it.
- [The megaphone squeals with feedback.]
Leela: Let me give you a hand.
- [She pushes a button and it turns off. Frida "shushes" her.]
Frida: This is awful. I never meant for our protest to have any effect. Now what do we do?
Trixie: Maybe we should just surrender and serve our six weeks in jail.
Dixie: Hey, yeah! We could do each other's toenails and make shivs.
Leela: That's crazy. We've done nothing wrong, other than killing and dismembering the vice-president. We need to make a choice, sisters. We can either keep pestering criminals like Leo Wong with silly slogans...
ALL: Yeah. Let's do that.
Leela: Actually, I meant that to be the less preferable alternative. We can either chant slogans or we can take action.
Dixie: What was the first choice again?
Leela: I choose to save the environment by sabotaging Leo Wong's golf course. Who's with me?
Frida: Could we still use our bullhorns?
Leela: Absolutely. Bullhorns are a core principle of eco-feminism.
Frida: Then I'm in.
- [They all cheer, then Frida shushes them through her megaphone.]
- [Scene: The Feminista's vehicle (A VW Camper) is travelling through space.]
Leela: Who's ready to kick some sweaty man-butt?
- [They cheer.]
Dixie: I've got my pointy man-kicking shoes on.
Trixie: Those are cute.
Dixie: Aren't they? I got them at Nine West.
Leela: Simmer down, warriors. Full power to the vagyroscope!
- [Cut to a street sweeper-like vehicle cleaning up the rings around a planet.]
Mr. Wong: Those dirty rings. I tried soaking them out, even blasting them out.
- [The Camper stops near the cleaning vehicle. Leela and Frida emerge and pour sugar in the fuel filler.]
Frida: Are you sure about this? It would be better for propaganda if we weren't using refined sugar.
Leela: It's okay. The potato we're shoving in the tailpipe is organic.
- [She clogs the tail pipe and fly away. The cleaner breaks down.]
Mr. Wong: I smell sabotage. [He sniffs.] Ooh, and potatoes.
- [The girls cheer as they fly away from the planet.]
Leela: Now, unfortunately, the media is going to put a negative spin on this, like when we killed that guy, so to win public support, we'll need a lovable mascot.
- [Scene: Zoidberg is in a room alone with the muck leech. It is in a glass terrarium in the lounge at Planet Express.]
Zoidberg: :[He picks it up and laughs.] Squirm all you want, you nasty dumpling. One less species for the universe, one more breakfast for...
Zoidberg: Leela. Me saving things the leech. Not the eating of it.
Leela: Zoidberg, I'm very surprised at you, slightly.
- [Leela lets the leech clamp onto her arm and Zoidberg stares, then slurps at it. Cut to Leela leaving Planet Express.]
Fry: Psst! Leela.
Leela: Shh! I'm a fugitive.
Fry: I know. I miss you so much, Leela, even more than when you were here.
Leela: I miss you, too, Fry. And you probably think what I'm doing is wrong. But it's something I really care about...
Fry: You don't have to explain, Leela. You're you. That's all I need to know.
Leela: Goodbye, sweet goofbag.
- [She walks over to the Camper, knocks twice and gets pulled in. They fly away. Zoom out of just Fry standing on the sidewalk to show Zoidberg and Bender are there as well.]
Bender: :[He sighs.] I'll miss her, too, buddy. Dibs on her iPod.
Zoidberg: Dibs on her- ohh...
- [Scene: Fry is walking through the streets of New New York. He comes upon Hutch drinking a bottle of wine in an alley.]
Hutch: Hey, Fry! Long time, man.
Fry: Hey, Hutch! What have you been up to?
Hutch: Same old, same old. Searching the dumpsters, protecting my thoughts with tin foil, peeing myself.
Fry: So, what brings you to Earth?
Hutch: It's top secret. Hey, take off your helmet and I'll think it to you.
Fry: Okay. Here goes.
- [Fry removes his hat and Hutch hits him over the head with a bottle. Hutch walks over to a dumpster, knocks twice and it mechanically opens. There is a bright light emitted from it. He throws Fry's limp body in and follows. The lid closes as he gets in. Cut to Fry waking up on a mattress.]
Fry: Where are you? And me?
Hutch: The Great Hall of the Ancient Legion of Madfellows. Welcome, bro.
ALL: Welcome, bro.
Hutch: Sorry I bashed your head in, buddy, but I had to. You see, the fate of the universe depends on you.
Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Hutch: The Grand Curator will tell you more.
Fry: Take me to him.
- [He is the man behind Hutch.]
Nine: Hey, man.
Nine: So dig this, Fry. Our commune has been monitoring the universe's life energy for, like, a really long time, and we're grokking some super weird junk.
Fry: Um, I don't mean to be rude, but it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you say junk like "grok" and "junk."
Nine : What about "commune"?
Fry: Especially "commune." Come on, it's the fate of the universe, puff it up a little. Like you could say your ancient order is sensing deep upheaval in the cosmic life energy field.
- [Everybody murmurs.]
Nine: Okay. I'll try. So, like, a really, really long time ago... [Fry motions "longer" with his hands.] Eons ago! [Fry gives a thumbs up and he giggles.] Cool. Eons ago, the life force we call Chi permeated the universe. [He presses a button and a hologram is shown in the room.] The Green Chi generated a great upwelling of life across the cosmos. But then, for reasons unknown...
Fry: Ooh. "Reasons unknown." Now that's the sort of hook that grabs the attention of me, the viewer.
Nine: For reasons unknown...
Nine: ...the Chi began to recede, and the diversity of life began to wither. The life forms we know today are but a fraction of a fraction of the magnificence that once existed.
Hutch: But a bunch of dudes, right, they totally passed this far-out knowledge down through the ages.
- [The holograms shows previous Madfellows proclaiming the word with their tin foil hats on.]
Nine (VO): Some with this knowledge were called prophets, some, fruitcakes. We, the Legion of Madfellows, are their heirs.
- [The current Legion of Madfellows is shown in the hologram.]
Fry: Hey, I'm on TV. [He waves.]
Nine: Well, that's the show. [He turns off the hologram.]
Fry: Neat. What's it got to do with me?
Nine: Ahh, pooperdoodle! I mean, pardon the omission. You see, after untold eternities, we have sensed a resurgence in the Chi.
Fry: Hey, that's the violet dwarf star that Leela wants to save.
Hutch: Freaking nailed it, corndog.
Nine: We believe this star heralds a new green age, and it's your destiny to be its shepherd and protector.
Fry: Me? Why?
Hutch: 'Cause you got, like, no delta brainwave, man. The Dark Ones can't groove off your thoughts.
Nine: Silence, Hutch! You shall learn more in time, Fry. But for now, let's just say we have enemies, enemies who can read minds, except yours. [He points with his foot.]
Fry: Cool. I can't wait to tell Leela.
Nine: No! If you tell anyone, then their thoughts could be read, and our enemies would know of our existence. For the sake of those you love, you must keep this secret. Do you foot-swear?
Fry: Oh, okay. I foot-swear.
- [They perform a "foot shake" agreeing to the terms.]
Nine: Good. Now, to save the coming of the green age, you must stop this man.
- [Mr. Wong is shown on the hologram.]
Fry: I know him. Leo Wong. I work with his daughter.
Nine: Oh, good, that will cut about 15 minutes of explanation. You must gain Wong's confidence, infiltrate his organization and prevent him from destroying the violet dwarf.
- [Fry salutes Nine with his foot. The act is reciprocated.]
- [Scene: Fry is in Mr. Wong's office at the Wongminister Miniature Golf Club.]
Mr. Wong: Looking for a job, eh?
Fry: Yes, sir. Nothing fancy. I'm willing to start at the bottom and infiltrate my way up.
'Mr. Wong: Sorry, no openings right now. (Telepathically): What I need is security guard to keep nutcases out of my office.
Fry: I'm good at keeping nutcases.
Mr. Wong: I said no way. (Telepathically): Security guard gotta be tough. This idiot don't look like he could handle those feministas.
Fry: I look like an idiot who can handle those feministas.
Mr Wong (Telepathically): He'll have to do better than that.
Fry: I'll have to do better than that.
Mr. Wong: Hmm. You and I think a lot alike. You really think you can stand up to those eco-freakos?
Fry: Sir, with me around, they'll be the least of your worries.
- [Scene: The 18th hole of Mr. Wong's course. It's a mess of tubes leading to the green from a giant plastic gorilla head.]
Tester: Stand by, men. And manly aliens. Prepare to test fire King Kong hole.
- [The manly alien launches the ball at the gorilla. It goes into his mouth and comes out on the green, rolling into the hole for an ace.]
Sal: It workses.
Tester: Good job, men. And manly aliens. Construction of King Kong hole complete.
- [The Feministas' camper is approaching in the background.]
Frida: Typical. Always King Kong, never Queen... Quong.
- [A few Feministas leap from the Camper onto the green and plant hooks in the turf and the bumper of their vehicle.]
Sal: What are those, hooks? Get out of heres, you hookers. This is my turfs.
- [The Camper blasts off from the green, pulling the turf with it and sending the asteroid, which the green was placed on, spinning out of control and smashing into the tubes.]
Sal: [He's flying through space.] Helpses!
- [The Feministas cheer as they spray the gorilla head with make-up.]
Leela: You go, gorilla !
- [Scene: A news broadcast. The vandalized gorilla is used as an image on the story.]
Morbo: Our top story. The string of eco-vandalism that began with a harmless vice-presidential killing has spread across the galaxy.
Linda: Why do you always get to read the top story, Morbo?
Morbo: Because viewers trust a deep male voice and huge, throbbing forehead veins. [They pulse in unison a few times.]
Linda: Not all reaction to the crime spree has been negative. We spoke with several people who viewed these courageous eco-feminists as heroes.
Petunia: I just wish there was some way to... Excuse me. [She coughs roughly.] Some way to show I support 'em. Send them some smokes or something.
Linda: So you make more than twice what I do. What? This just in: Root 2 News has received a video communique from the eco-feminists' unknown hideout.
Leela: This is sub-commander L., den mother of the Feminista Revolutionary Collective, with a message for Leo Wong. Leo, you're a parasite on the universe, and parasites must be destroyed. That's why we've adopted this parasite as our mascot. [The leech snarls against the glass of its case.] I know it's a little confusing. The point is, even this vicious leech has a right to exist, because it's a part of nature. And that's why a vicious leech like Leo Wong must be exterminated. [The Feministas in the background cheer.] Again, confusing. We call on women everywhere to join our struggle against eco-chauvinist Leo Wong. We especially need good communique writers. Feministas unite! [They pound their breasts twice and throw their fists into the air while shouting "Feministas unite" in unison.]
Morbo: In other news- [Linda throws her high heel at his head and it becomes lodged in his head.]
Linda Mimicking the Feministas' actions]: Feministas unite!
- [Scene: Wongminister Miniature Golf Club. Mr. Wong is in his office with Nixon.]
Linda (on the TV): Feministas unite! [The image is paused.]
Nixon: Incredible. Absolutely incredible. You're telling me this TiVo machine can pause and rewind live TV?
Mr. Wong: These crazy broads gonna ruin me, Nixon. You gotta help me. Send the army or something. Something big that shoots.
Nixon: Sir, I don't care if you are my biggest contributor. Our armed forces do not serve your private business interests.
Mr. Wong: Sorry, I...
Nixon: [He laughs hysterically.] I'm just yanking your chain, Leo. I'm on it like boring on Gerry Ford.
- [Scene: The White House Oval Office. Nixon and Mr. Wong are present.]
Zapp Brannigan: Zapp Brannigan purporting for duty. For the love of God, Kif, less piccolo, more fife.
- [Kif is playing many instruments as a one-man band. He sighs at Zapp's demand.]
Nixon: Report, Brannigan.
Zapp: Mr. President, I failed to identify these curvaceous banditas despite hours of staring at their dossiers. [There is a picture of Leela from behind on the cover of the file folder.] Yet, I seemed to have stroked myself upon good luck, for a patriot of the highest order has volunteered to lead us to them.
- [Kif performs a drum roll and Bender walks into the room. Bender says "Hey oh" like Ed McMahon.]
Nixon: These eco-feminists are ruthless criminals who'll stop at nothing to save the environment. I don't see how a bending unit can catch them.
Bender: Not just any bending unit, Presidente. I happen to be brilliant, fearless and short on cash. [He coughs and motions for money with his fingers.]
Nixon: Slush him, Kroker.
- [Kif opens a wall safe and takes out a briefcase, out of which he pulls money, counting it as he gives it to Bender.]
Zapp: Bender here has identified the femdito commander as my ex-lover, Turanga Leela, whom I once made love at.
- [By the end of this line, Bender has taken all of the money from the briefcase and has started emptying the wall safe.]
Nixon: And he's willing to fink her out for a few simoleons?
Bender: It's not about the money, Nixon, though I'd like much more. It's 'cause Leela's a threat. A threat to my reputation. She's committed 30 felonies in 12 star systems. If no one stops her, she'll break my record for longest rap sheet.
Nixon: That's a despicable motive, Bender, and I respect it.
Bender: Gracias. Now, I could find Leela, but you'll need to authorize a wiretap.
Nixon: As many as you like.
Bender: I only need one.
Nixon: Let's call it six.
Kif: Question. If you don't know where Leela is, how can you wiretap her?
Bender: I'm not wiretapping her, Greensleeves. You see, like all women, Leela has one weakness.
- [Scene: Bender is descending upon Fry by parachute. Fry is working as a security guard.]
Bender: Hello, weakness!
Fry: Hey, Bender, check it out. I'm Leo Wong's new security guard. I got an ID badge and a flashlight, and I ordered this mustache.
Bender: Neat. Say, speaking of whatever the hell you just said, I need to make a cell phone telephone call. Can borrow your cell phone telephone?
Fry: Okay, but don't restart my Tetris. I was finally about to get one of those pieces that looks like a backwards "L."
Bender: Okay, superstud.
- [Bender walks off screen as Mr. Wong and Amy approach Fry.]
Mr. Wong: Looking good, security. No feministas getting past you.
Fry: No, sir. Not on my mustache's watch.
- [Bender is in the background struggling with Fry's phone.]
Amy: Fry, I can't believe you're working with my dad against Leela. How can you claim to be her friend and still want her in jail?
Fry: [He clears his throat.] It's a tightrope walk, I won't deny it. It takes the kind of multi-sided thinking your dad's so brilliant at.
Amy: You mean being two-faced?
Mr. Wong: Don't mind cranky-pants here. She been cranky ever since she was a fat little girl.
Mr. Wong: Can I be brutally honest, Fry? I always wanted a son.
Fry: That hurt, but I can take it.
Amy: [She says something in Mandarin.] I knew you wanted a son! Why do you think I became a miniature golf champion? Why do you think I wear these stupid boys' sweat suits?
Mr. Wong: To hide your big, fat butt, that's why. [He giggles.]
Fry: Now, sir, in fairness, Amy's butt is actually pretty hot.
Amy: What is it with you men? Why does everything revolve around my butt?
Mr. Wong: 'Cause it's so big and massive. [He and Fry share a laugh.]
Amy: That's it! Why don't you just adopt Fry and make him the son you never had? That'll replace the daughter you don't have anymore!
- [She grunts as she shoves her way past Bender.]
Bender: Whoa! What's with Big Butt?
Mr. Wong: She just hungry.
Bender: Here you go, Fry.
- [Bender gives Fry his phone back. There is a large antenna device sticking out of the top of it.]
Bender: Oh! FYI, I dropped that Tetris piece in the wrong place and ended the game.
Fry: [He looks at the screen on the phone. It reads "GAME OVER."] No!
- [Scene: Fry is locking up Wongminister Miniature Golf Club.]
Fry: Great! Now Amy's gonna tell Leela I'm a jerk. If only I could explain I'm on a secret mission against evil. Wait. Evil? Yeah, yeah, evil. [There is a tapping in the darkness. Fry shines his flashlight around.] What's going on in there? A scary noise? [He spots Frida hammering a protest sign into the grass.] Hey, you're one of Leela's feministas. "Save the environment! Wo-mandate Leo's retirement!" That's terrible writing! Stop making your point so ineffectively! [He tries to pull the hammer from Frida's grip.]
Frida: Take your mands off of me!
Fry: [He shushes her.] I'm on your side.
Frida: [She shushes back.] Don't shush me.
Fry: Please, can you take a message to Leela?
Frida: [She quickly shushes him.] What is it?
Fry: Just say her sweet goofbag is working to save the violet dwarf star, just like she is.
Frida: Very well, I'll fem-municate your man-formation.
Fry: [He rolls his eyes.] Just tell her.
- [She shushes him again.]
- [Scene: Planet Express. There is a banner on the balcony which reads "Going out of business forever! Again!"]
Farnsworth: Well, this is it, old friends. Planet Express is done for, what with our delivery crew missing and the abysmal sales of Tickle Me Bender.
Bender Doll: [He doll giggles.] Quit touching my junk, pervert!
Farnsworth: Hold out your hands and I'll remove your career chips.
Zoidberg: I hate to see it come to an end. [His chip is removed and he screams in agony.] When will it end?
- [Farnsworth moves on to Hermes when the phone starts to ring.]
Hermes: Shouldn't you get that, Professor?
Farnsworth: I suppose. [He walks off screen, but then rushes back to remove the career chip from Hermes' hand.] Hello?
Mr. Wong: Professor, old buddy, I'm gonna blow up the violet dwarf star. So I need you deliver billion-mile security fence to keep out protesters. Dirty business. Lot of money. You corrupt enough?
Farnsworth: Damn skippy! [Money is dispensed from the telephone console.] Good news, crybabies! We're back in business.
- [They both cheer and Farnsworth quickly implants their chips back. They both wail in pain. Cut to an exterior shot of Planet Express. The hangar doors open, but the ship blasts through the front entrance instead. A shot of the Violet Dwarf Star System shows the Planet Express ship approaching while making abrupt jolts left and right with Farnsworth at the helm.]
Hermes: Sweet kookaburra of Edinburgh, Professor. You sure you know how to fly this thing?
Farnsworth: I invented it, didn't I? You wouldn't ask Thomas Edison whether he knew how to use a sexmatron.
- [They all gasps as they see the Feministas' van approaching head on.]
Zoidberg: The Feministas, probably.
- [As they meet, the Planet Express ship skids to a stop. The van circles around and around the ship while spray painting it pink.
Leela: Halt! What are you doing in this parallelogram of space?
Farnsworth: We're delivering a fence to keep you ladies in your place. [He chuckles.]
- [A hole is cut through the roof of the ship and the Feministas drop through.
LaBarbara: That's right, husband. From now on, you make your own Manwiches.
Leela: Under the articles of the confemiracy, we hereby wo-mandeer this ship.
Zoidberg: Oh, no, you don't. It's three against three.
- [Many other Feministas drop through a second hole and land on the the manly trio.
- [Scene: Wong Ranch.]
Mrs. Wong: That was the greatest play I ever saw. It must have had 20 acts.
- [Mr. Wong exits the carriage, cracks his back and gasps at what he sees in the sky. It's the Feministas approaching in their pink Planet Express ship with the fence. They drop the fence on them, trapping them in a semi-sphere.]
Leela (over Megaphone): We installed your fence, Leo Wong.
- [Inside the ship the Feministas cheer.]
Linda: Should we shout a clever slogan?
Leela: You mean something like, "The best defense is a good fence?"
Linda: Yeah, something like that, only funny.
Leela: I wish we could, but our chief slogan writer is back at the Honeybun Hideout.
- [Cut to the hideout where Frida is working on protest signs.]
Frida: Does "violet dwarf" rhyme with "men are dorks"? It does through a megaphone. (Telepathically): That reminds me, I've got to tell Leela about that weirdo who wants to save the violet dwarf.
Mysterious, Sinister Voice: So, the Legion of Madfellows has a new pawn, eh?
Frida: Is somebody here? If you're the DSL guy, you're two days late.
Mysterious, Sinister Voice: Who gave you that message for Leela?
Frida: I don't know his name.
Mysterious, Sinister Voice: Then you are of no use to the Dark Ones!
- [She is choked by seemingly nothing.]
Frida: Long lost brother, avenge my death.
- [She chokes more and falls to the floor.]
Mysterious Voice: Where are your crappy rhymes now, Frida Waterfall?
Frida: I'm dead. I'm dead. (Through megaphone): Eat only natural whole-grain brea- [She is choked more.]
[Scene: Wongminister Miniature Golf Club. Fry is locking up.]
Fry: Six, seven, eight. Lock the gate. One, two, three. Turn the key. 30, 50, 10. [He sees Hutch.] My dirty, shifty friend?
Hutch: Hey, Fry, long time.
- [They stare at each other for a moment, then Fry is once again bottled by Hutch, who then opens the bottle and takes a drink. Cut to Fry waking up.]
Hutch: Welcome back to the Legion of Madfellows, man.
Fry: Why'd you bonk me, you idiot? You could have just asked me to come with you. And where are we? This doesn't look like your regular dumpster.
Nine: All in good time! I guess now is a good time. We are on Mars, in a forgotten cavern abandoned by the native Martians a million years ago.
Fry: Actually, it was five years ago. I remember 'cause they washed my socks.
Nine: You have done well, Fry. You have ingratiated yourself with Leo Wong.
Fry: Yup, I kissed his ass from cheek to shining cheek. So, what do I do next?
Nine: As Wong security chief, you will be on hand when he attempts to destroy the violet dwarf. You must not let that happen.
Fry: [He is taking notes.] "Must let happen."
Nine: Not happen!
Fry: "Must let occur."
Nine: Let me tell you a story. A story of two alien species so ancient that compared to them the human race is a mere college senior! On a distant planetoid they evolved to cooperate in their quest to survive.
- [A hologram shows a snake and a frog like creature. The frog pushes the snake up to knock a bug free from a leaf. They both eat half of the bug.]
Fry: Cooperation, because life is a team sport.
Nine: But, over time, one species evolved a better strategy, and an evolutionary arms race began.
- [The hologram shows the frog pushing the snake up again, but letting it drop into his mouth instead. The next hologram shows the snake countering this by inflating himself so it won't fit in the frog's mouth and instead crushes it. The next shows the frog countering this by using a sharp tail to pop the inflated snake. The next shows the snake countering this by growing a natural armour to defend itself from the piercing tail and then turning its body inside-out to ingest the frog.]
Nine: That concludes the audio-visual portion of our head-clonk and lecture.
Fry: Wait, what happened to the snakes and the frogs? I need to know!
Nine: [He sighs and turns the hologram back on. He uses the light to cast shadows on the wall his his hands.] The frogs, or possibly the snakes, evolved into vicious killing machines, honed by the merciless forces of natural selection and intelligent design. We call these the Dark Ones!
- [Pan over to Fry's shadow who shudders and picks his nose.]
Nine: These evil creatures preyed on all life, driving species after species to extinction. Meanwhile, however, the second species evolved to fend off the Dark Ones, befriending and protecting all other living things.
Fry: Even Céline Dion?
Nine: Probably. We call these noble beings the Encyclopods, because their DNA incorporates the DNA of every endangered species they encountered, so they can recreate them if they go extinct.
Fry: Just as a pillow, a wig and a corncob pipe can be used to recreate my old girlfriend!
- [Scene: At the Feministas' hideout.]
Transition Announcer 2: Meanwhile, at the Honeybun Hideout.
- [Hermes, Zoidberg and Farnsworth are locked up.]
LaBarbara: There! Now you know how it feels to be locked up in a go-go cage.
Hermes: What the hell are you talking about?
LaBarbara: Shut your man-hole.
- [She presses a button. Music starts playing and coloured lights spin around the room. The three men eerily groan as they force themselves to dance.]
Hermes: I feel dirty.
- [Cut to the other room of the cave.]
Leela: Are you sure Fry is working for your father? It just doesn't seem like him to be so evil, or to hold down a job.
Amy: It's true, Leela. Cross My Heart bra and swear to Goddess.
Leela: But the Fry I know wouldn't do that. I'm gonna call his cell phone telephone and prove you wrong. [She walks over to a phone booth and tries to open the door. The camera pans down and reveals Frida's body is blocking the door.] Oh, no! Frida's been murdered!
- [The Feministas all gasp.]
LaBarbara: Sweet she-cattle of Seattle!
Hermes (from off screen): Not your strong suit, woman.
Amy: Who could have done this?
Leela: Your dad? Nixon?
Leela: No, never. I don't think. Anyhow, there's a crazed murderer on the loose, possibly in the shadows or hanging from the ceiling! [They all scream.] So just stay calm while I call Fry.
- [Leela forces the door open and stands on Frida's body while making the call. Cut to Fry talking with Nine.]
Fry: So where are the Encyclopods and the Dark Ones now?
Nine: Wh-... [Hutch is cooking a can of food with the light of the hologram.] When the life-giving Chi receded, only the toughest organisms could adapt and survive, like the Dark Ones. [The Madfellows boo.] Many more died out, like the Encyclopods. But, and this is the great secret of our age, we believe they left an egg behind.
Fry: Is it edible?
Nine: We're not gonna eat it! Not unless we find a second one. No, Fry, we intend to hatch it!
Hutch: And that's where you come in.
Fry: And here I am.
Nine: At long last the tide of Chi has returned, and its nourishing flow has awakened the dormant egg.
Fry: That's good.
Hutch: It's better than good. It's better. With its massive stash of DNA, the Encyclopod can reconstruct every species that ever went extinct.
Nine: Imagine, all the animals that failed evolution's test, alive again! The dodo bird, the brittle-klutz, the striped biologist-taunter.
Fry: So, where is this egg?
Nine: In the violet dwarf star system.
Fry: And what does it look like?
Nine: A violet dwarf star!
Fry: You mean, the whole star is a single... Whoa! Sci-fi.
Nine: Alas! Even now, a Dark One is headed to the star to ensure its destruction.
Fry: Dang! So what does this Dark One look like?
Nine: [He sighs.] We don't know. I admit it's a horrifically grave situation.
Hutch: Don't sugarcoat it, Nine. The Dark Ones have been evolving so long, it could be anything or anyone. Or anybody.
Fry: You mean, like, people?
Hutch: Any people. It will kill the egg, and every dude, woman and child who knows about it.
Nine: Even our crazy caps will be useless at close range. That's why only you, with your defective unreadable brainwave, may be able to thwart them and usher in a new green age of wonder and...
- [Fry's cell phone starts ringing.]
Fry [On the phone]: You're on Fry-time. Leela! Did you get my message?
Leela: What message?
Fry: Didn't you see Frida Waterfall?
Leela: [She gasps.]So you did kill Frida Waterfall?
Fry: What? No. I told her to tell you that I'm... Oh, Jeep! The Dark Ones got her. It's all true. We need to talk, Leela. Then I can explain... [Nine motions "No!"] Well, I can't explain anything, but we should talk anyway. Where are you?
Leela: Oh, no. I'm not gonna expose the Honeybun Hideout. Where are you?
Fry: Near the Keeler Crater on Mars. Do you know it?
Leela: I, I, uh... I think I read about it.
- [Cut to Bender, Zapp and Kif listening in on the call.]
Leela: [She is heard through a speaker on the Nimbus.] I'll meet you at the south rim in one hour. No moustaches.
- [Leela hangs up and Bender turns off the speaker and does an evil laugh.]
Zapp: Kif, set coordinates, 36-24-36. AKA, Leela.
- [Scene: Mars, the southern rim of the Keeler Crater.]
Fry: Ten minutes late. Ain't that just like a womanista?
Leela: Psst. Are you alone?
Fry: Of course, don't you trust me?
- [The Nimbus emerges on the horizon.]
Zapp (over PA): There's no escape, Leela. If you surrender, wave your shirt in the air.
Leela: Fry, you traitor!
[Leela begins to remove her shirt.]
Amy (over PA): Hop onto the magnet, Leela!
Leela: Okay. One, two... [Her boots are pulled to the magnet. She screams and Fry laughs, but he is grabbed by the ears and pulled along with her. The Planet Express ship takes off with the Nimbus chasing after it.]
Leela: [She throws him in the go-go cage.] I can't believe you ratted me out, Fry.
Fry: I'm not a rat, I swear. If I'm any rodent, it's the loyal capybara, king of the rats! No, wait.
- [The ship is hit by a shot from the Nimbus.]
Linda: This just in, we are about to get our asses blown off. LaBarbara?
LaBarbara: That's right, Linda. [She screams.]
Amy: Stay strong, ladies. We can lose them in the giant miniature golf course.
Fry: But the course isn't finished. And there's no girls allowed.
Amy: Fore! [She pulls the steering wheel to the right with her club.]
Zapp: So, they want to play mini golf, eh? Two can play at that game. Or even four, depending on the number of ball colors available.
- [Bender and Kif sigh at the same time.]
Zapp: I choose pink.
Kif: That's their color, sir.
Zapp: The hell it is.
Leela: They're gaining on us. We need a birdie on the windmill hole.
Amy [Timing their attempt to pass between the blades]: Wait. Wait. Drop the boot!
- [Leela steps on the accelerator. They make it through the windmill and everybody cheers.]
Kif: Sir, at our present speed, the computer predicts a 100% chance we'll be sliced in half. We'll never make it.
Zapp: Not with that attitude, we won't. Same speed ahead!
- [The Nimbus is sliced in half by a blade of the windmill. The trail of smoke is polluted by bodies of suffocating soldiers.]
Zapp: We made it through, Kif. How many men did we lose?
Kif: All of them.
Zapp: Well, at least they won't have to mourn each other. Seal the airlocks, and draw the shades. Resume shooting.
Fry: Oh, no! The gorilla! That's a par-four!
- [Everybody screams.]
Leela: The mouth's too dangerous. I'm going for the nose.
Amy: Don't be a sucker. You won't come out anywhere near the hole. You need to aim for the jaws just when they start to close.
Leela: Start to close? Are you out of your...
- [Amy holds up her magazine cover of herself on Mini-Golf Digest. Leela aims for the mouth and makes it through.]
Leela: We made it!
Zapp: Captaining 101 . Go for the nose.
- [The ship enters the right nostril and exits the left then rams into the banana. Everybody is thrown to the floor and a fire starts.]
Bender: My arms are broken. I'll never paint again. [He starts crying.]
Kif: You can't sue the military.
Bender: I'm okay then.
Zapp: Damage report.
Kif: We lost all remaining food and oxygen, Captain. As well as our XM Radio antenna.
Zapp: Then this chase is over. Kif, set course for the nearest XM repair facility. Meanwhile, we shall sing top hits from the '80s.
Kif: Which '80s, sir?
Zapp: For me, there are only one '80s. [The ships slowly heads away from the chase.] (VO): Smell like I sound, [Kif groans.] I'm lost and I'm found. [Kif groans.]And I'm hungry like the wolf.
- [Cut back to the Planet Express ship traversing the mini-golf pipe. Everybody screams while in the yellow tube.]
Hermes: The shot was too good! We're jamming straight for the hole.
Zoidberg: We're gonna crash, even.
Amy: Shmeesh, shmell out, shmeverybody. It's a wormhole hole.
Farnsworth: Of course, a wormhole! We'll simply disappear and reappear in a... [They enter the wormhole.] ...nother part of the universe.
Amy: We made it!
Farnsworth: Uh, whaa...
- [The occupants of the ship cheer, but are silenced after they realize they are right back with the Nimbus.]
Leela: Crud nuggets! We de-spaced right next to the Nimbus.
Zoidberg: Just when you think the chase is over, it gets twice as exciting!
- [The three comrades are sitting in the bridge, Bender still humming "Hungry Like a Wolf" by Duran Duran, when he spots the opposing ship.]
Bender: Hey, look at that.
Zapp: Well, well, well. My bloodhound-like instincts must have hunted them down while my other parts were throbbing to Duran Duran.
Kif: Shall I initiate a pointless and potentially fatal pursuit?
Zapp: Make it so.
Bender: It's gonna be fun on the bun, in space.
- [The Nimbus starts up and takes off from the XM repair station, severely damaging it. The Planet Express ship flies by the Violet Dwarf Star System and observes the life on it.]
Leela: Look! The asteroid. Now it's crawling with life. Like Zoidberg's sandals!
Fry: Wow! It's incredible.
Leela: But it'll be destroyed when Leo Wong blows up the violet dwarf. So why are you helping him?
Fry: I can't tell you, Leela. You just have to trust me.
Leela: You keep saying that, but you have to give me something to go on or I...
- [An alarm goes off.]
Planet Express Ship Alarm: Out of whale oil. Out of whale oil.
Leela: [She gasps.] The out-of-fuel indicator. It's indicating.
Zoidberg: Say, what's that violet-colored dwarf-like star thing we're drifting into?
Leela: The violet dwarf star!
Fry: Of course. The gorilla was the 18th hole, so we're headed into the ball return.
Zoidberg: Aye, what else now can go wrong?
- [The ship shakes and there is a loud crash.]
Zapp on the monitor): Ladies, you're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded again and again.
Petunia: He'll never take me alive. [She starts hacking up smoke.]
Leela: Don't give up yet. I've got one more trick up my sleeve.
Amy: That's exactly the number we need.
- [Cut to Kif and Zapp. They leap from the Nimbus and float down to the Planet Express ship. They settle at the window of the ship.]
Zapp: Ah, the fairer sex.
- [Fry, Zoidberg, Hermes and Farnsworth are dancing in the go-go cage.]
Zapp: Something's very wrong here, and yet a little bit right.
- [Guns are cocked.]
Leela (off-screen): Not so fast, Brannigan. [All nine of them have guns.]
Bender (off-screen): Even less fast, feministas! [He has a contraption with nine guns connected to one trigger.]
- [They all gasps.]
Bender: All two tons of me.
- [Scene: Earth Supreme Court]
Bailiff: Oye, oye, oye. All rise for the honorable Chief Justice D-O-G-G and the Associate Justices.
- [Sal pulls the judges out from the back room.]
Judge Dogg: Yo. Seat it or beat it. The charges against y'all femditos is murder, mayhem, vandalism, kidnapping and resisting arrest. Damn! The big five. You may now make your opening "what you got to say for yourselves."
Leela: May it please the Court... [Judge Dogg slams his gavel.] I mean, may it plizzle the cozizzle.
Judge Dogg: Proceed.
Leela: These charges are outrageous. Our only goal was to save a rare violet star and its precious ecosystem. If protecting the environment is a crime, then...
Judge Dogg: Protecting the environment is a crime.
Leela': [She clears her throat.] I rest my mouth.
- [Time lapse]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Nixon: I... Well, now, I... Am I under oath when I take the oath?
- [Time lapse]
Ruth Bader Ginsburg's head: Can the witness identify the feminista leader?
Bender: That's her right there, with the "I'm gonna kill you Bender" look in her eye.
Antonin Scalia's Head: Hey, aren't you the robot who robbed me at gunpoint last year?
Bender: No further answers, Your Honor.
- [Time lapse]
Fry: Please, Justice Dogg, Leela and her friends are completely innocent.
Judge Dogg: Hold up. Were you or were you not abducted by these hoes?
Fry: Well, abducted is such an ugly word.
- [Time lapse]
Clarence Thomas' head: Mr. Wong, the court cannot compel you to testify against your own daughter.
Mr. Wong: No. No, I want to. Also, I got something to say about my wife.
- [Cut to Judge Dogg, who is listening to music on headphones.]
Judge Dogg: Aw, yeah. Having heard some of the testimony over these jams I've been listening to, me and my crew will now kick it in the mix.
- [The Bailiff connects all of the judges together. Their heads spin and electricity arcs between them as they deliberate. A pan across the Feministas show they are all holding hands. When Leela appears on the screen, she is holding hands with Zapp, who is grinning and waves at her with his fingers. She cracks his fingers and he falls to the floor in pain. The judges stop deliberating and Judge Dogg's jar is emitting bubbles and smoke.]
Judge Dogg: A'ight. We got us a verdict up in this High Court. Bailiff, drop it like it's legal precedent.
Bailiff: In the matter of Leo Wong v. The Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, four justices vote to convict, five to acquit.
- [The Feministas cheer.]
Antonin Scalia's Head: However, since the vote was strictly along gender lines and the female justices' votes only count half, you are hereby found guilty.
- [The Feministas groan.]
Ruth Ginsberg's Head: It's a humiliating and biased system, but it works.
Judge Dogg: Fifty years in the maximum security Dogg house. [He bangs his gavel.] Peace.
- [Sal pushes the judges back out of the room. Leela glares over at Fry.]
- [Scene: Maxi-Padlock: High-Security Women's Prison. A bus drives in through the security gates. The Feministas are put in a holding cell.]
Warden: Ladies! Welcome to Hell.
Petunia: Beats Nutley on a Saturday night.
Warden: This is a privately-owned for-profit prison and I run a tight, cheap ship! I've done this by cutting costs everywhere, especially on punishment. I rely on you inmates to make prison unpleasant for yourselves. You're encouraged to sexually harass new prisoners, organize no-holds-barred catfights and maintain poor hygiene.
Amy: Try and make me, copper.
Warden: Oh... a troublemaker. [She laughs.] Taste the lash of my 99-cent-store nightstick!
- [The Warden strikes Amy and the (fake) nightstick squeaks upon impact.]
- [Scene: Mr. Wong's office in Wongminister Miniature Golf Club. Mr. Wong plays with a hologram of the violet dwarf star system.]
Mr. Wong: Yee-ha! With the feministas in jail, it full speed ahead. You and me, Fry. We implode the violet dwarf star tomorrow. Ka-boom-boom!
Fry: You and me?
Mr. Wong: Yeah.
Mr. Wong: Tomorrow.
Mr. Wong: Ka-boom-boom!
- [Mr. Wong pushes down on the plunger and the hologram of the star explodes and vanishes. Fry looks nervous as Mr. Wong is seen evily laughing in the reflection of his tinfoil hat.]
- [Scene: Fry is wandering in the Martian Reservation.]
Fry: Hello? Madfellows? I need to- [He is hit on the head with a bottle and passes out. Small time lapse and he awakens.] Okay, Leo Wong's about to destroy the violet dwarf. So, whatever I need to know to stop him, tell me now.
Nine: Alas! Stopping Wong isn't the only problem. One of the Dark Ones will try to stop you from stopping him. So, you must stop it from stopping you from stopping him.
Fry: But how can I stop it stop me stop him?
Nine: Stop it! Behold, the Omega Device.
- [Hutch pulls a curtain to the side and reveals the device, which is sitting on a cardboard box.]
Fry: That's it? The name "Omega Device" sort of conjured up something cooler looking. Not that I'm disappointed or anything.
Nine: The important thing is what's inside.
Fry: What does that look like?
Hutch: No one knows, man. It was invented by a blind inventor, and the one dude he described it to was deaf.
Mad Fellow: So the legend goes.
Nine: When activated, the device will emit a localized blast of delta-band noise to momentarily disable the Dark One.
Fry: Like farting in a tent?
Nine: No, an elevator. Which is why you must strike the enemy at point blank range!
- [The Madfellows agree.]
Fry: But the Dark One could look like anything or anyone, right?
Hutch: Or anywhere.
Fry: So, what's your plan to recognize it?
Nine: We don't have one.
Fry: Got it.
Hutch: And we don't dare think of one neither. 'Cause if we do, the Dark Ones might sense kind of the general vibe. Even through our mighty foil. [He pokes a hole through his hat.] Oh, man! Anyone got some tape or some gum?
Nine: As my colleague indicated, the plan cannot come from us, Fry. We were counting on you and your unreadable brain to come up with something.
Fry: That was a mistake.
Nine: I see that now.
Hutch: Freaky thing is, the Dark Ones' thoughts are unreadable, just like yours.
Nine: Yes, if we dared unwrap our heads, we could easily locate the one other being whose mind we can't read. The Dark One!
Hutch: But then the Dark One would read our minds and crush them like blood pumpkins.
Fry: Wait. I can read minds and my mind can't be read. I have a plan.
Nine: Great. Whatever it is, don't tell us.
Hutch: Wait. Fry can read minds and his mind can't be read. So he can safely scan for the Dark One...
Nine: Shut up! Shut up!
Hutch: ...whose mind can't be read...
- [All of the Madfellows cover their ears and start gibbering over Hutch's voice.]
- [Scene: Maxi-Padlock Women's Prison. The Feministas share one cell.]
Mysterious, Sinister Voice: Leela, time is running out. We must get to the violet star.
Leela: Okay, okay. Shut up, already.
- [Everybody in the cell is confused.]
Dixie: Nobody's talking, Leela.
Trixie: We're just painting each other's toenails with rat blood.
Warden: Lights out, ladies! Those compact fluorescent bulbs waste pennies a day.
- [The light flickers off and a door is heard closing.]
Leela: Okay, feministas, all clear.
Amy: [She falls off the top bunk.] Whoa!
Linda: We now go live to Leela with the escape plan. Leela?
Leela: Thanks, Linda. Now we're in here because we tried to save endangered wildlife. So this time, endangered wildlife will save us.
- [She pulls up her pant leg and shows everybody the leech is clamped onto her leg.]
Amy: The Martian muck leech.
Leela: That's right. He's been living off me since we got captured. [She gets light headed and has to sit down on a bed.] Little cutie almost sucked me dry.
- [She pulls the leech away from her leg and throws it at the back wall of the cell, into which it promptly begins burrowing. The Feministas cheer.]
LaBarbara: Look at him go. Like a green snake through a sugarcane cake.
Hermes (on her cell phone): Keep trying.
- [Scene: Scruffy is painting the Planet Express ship Electric Mucus again with a large spray can. He shakes it before spraying. Pan over to Zoidberg, who is making the same shaking noise by moving his body up and down. He turns to the ship and vomits the same color all over it.]
- [News segment.]
Morbo: Our top story. The universe's most wanted eco-feminists are now behind bars, including gang leader, Turanga Leela. AKA, the Notorious B-I-Itch.
- [Pull out of the TV to the Planet Express lounge. Farnsworth and Hermes are watching TV on a 304" MagnaPhallix and a commercial for the 308" edition is on. Zoidberg and Scruffy enter.]
Zoidberg: We finished un-pinking the ship, Hubert. Now what?
Farnsworth: Now we get back to work. And if that means destroying an ecosystem or two, so be it.
Zoidberg: I just meant without our good friends Fry, Leela, Amy and the robut.
Farnsworth: Oh, boo-hoo. This is a business, not a social club. Money talks.
Lincoln (on a $5 bill): True wealth is measured in friendships.
Farnsworth: Shut up, you.
Scruffy: Life goes on. But I believe we'll forever carry the pain on the inside.
- [He licks his finger and turns a page of his Play-Boy-Ar-Dee magazine.]
- [Scene: Maxi-Padlock Prison. A rooster crows at dawn.]
Amy: Oh, no, a rooster! That indicates it's the following morning.
- [Everybody makes noises as they wake up.]
LaBarbara: How's that creepy crawler doing?
Leela: I'm sorry, femi-sisters, but it pooped out around 3:00 a.m. Poor thing couldn't take another bite.
- [The leech bites onto her neck.]
Amy: Well, I guess we failed. But what matters is, we tried our best and we looked good doing it.
- [There are many thuds coming from the wall. A crack starts forming and is finally broken down from the outside.]
Amy: Bender, is that you?
Bender: Who does it look like? My identical cousin Buster?
- [The Feministas cheer.]
Leela: You're here to break us out? But you're the one who put us in.
Bender: But I'm Bender, king of the combination shot. I put you in so that by busting you out, I could commit 15 felonies at once. Puttin' my rap sheet miles ahead of yours on the all-time chart.
Leela: You are one devious bastard.
Bender: That's what it says on my vanity plate. [He bends over and a license plate on his crotch plate reads "1DVSBSTD."]
- [Cut to the exterior of the prison. The group is hiding behind a wall near the hole Bender created.]
Leela: What about the sentries?
Bender: Already taken care of. I sent them a cake laced with nutmeg. That's a human sleeping drug, right?
Amy: No, it's a human baking drug.
- [Bender groans and smack his forehead.]
Leela: Okay, Plan B. Everyone knows men have one fatal weakness - they can't resist hookers. Dixie, Trixie, you know what to do.
- [Smash cut - Bender has been turned into a hooker by means of masquera, a blond wig and eye lashes. Two balloons are strategically positioned on his body and a small amount of fabric covers him.]
Bender: [He walks out with a swagger and speaks in an effeminate voice.] Hello, boys! [The spot lights are directed at him and he is fired at my machine guns. The firing stops.] Your eyes say no, but your machine gun fire says- [The gun fire resumes.]
- [Scene: Asteroid in the Violet Dwarf Star System. The surface and its animals are covered in a white goo. Pull back from the system to an observation grand stand. There are hundreds of people present.]
Mr. Wong: Ladies and gentleman and whatever, welcome to my most environmentally disastrous implosion ever: a whole star system!
- [The crowd cheers.]
Zapp: Kif, old boy, mind if I sit on your shoulders for a better view?
Kif: Well, actually, sir, I was hoping...
- [Kif ends up with his head up Zapp's man-skirt and sighs.]
Mr. Wong: My associate Philip Fry here will have honor to blow this ugly, dirty star into nice, clean black hole.
- [The crowd cheers and Mr. Wong applauds as well as Fry slowly lowers himself below the podium.]
Mr. Wong: Fry, careful those wires. What you doing down there?
Fry: [He drops a wire.] Just polishing your shoes, Mr. W.
Mr. Wong: Mmm, that nice. Get between the toes there, very dirty.
- [Cut back to the prison. The group is pinned down in Bender's hole in the wall by machine gun fire. Sirens are sounding.]
Bender: Well, so much for Plan B.
Leela: What's Plan C?
Bender: All situations have the same Plan C. Bending, come on.
- [They run towards the closest wall. They reach it and Bender attempts to move it.]
Leela: We're boned, Bender. It's a brick wall.
Bender: Granted, it's not on the list of approved bendables, but I'm so great!
- [Bender bends the 50 foot brick wall and only Leela, Amy, Labarbara and Bender escape over it. They take shelter behind a mound of earth and hear dogs in the distance.]
Amy: Dogs! The boning continues!
Bender: [He pulls a telephone out of his chest.] Green Bluebird, this is Mr. Fabulous. We are go for cheesing it.
- [The Planet Express ship approaches for an extraction. The dogs have reached the ship, but only one can bite onto the tail wing before quickly loosing grip. Gun fire chases the ship as it flies away from the prison.]
Leela: [She enters the bridge.] Professor! Hermes! Zoidberg! [She looks at Scruffy] Uh...
Scruffy: Scruffy. The janitor.
Leela: You helped us escape? Even after we locked you in a go-go cage like common go-go dancers?
Farnsworth [Blubbering]: I couldn't live with myself, Leela. I call myself a scientist, wear the white coat and probe a monkey every now and again, yet I put monetary gain ahead of preserving nature. Can you ever forgive me?
Scruffy: I reckon.
Leela: I could kiss you, Professor.
Farnsworth: Okay, but watch out for my new grill. [He smiles and shows his gold and diamond teeth.]
[Cut back to the destruction of the star system. The audience cheers as Zapp takes the stage.]
Zapp Brannigan: Before the grand finally [Mispronunciation of finale], as it were, it seems only fitting that I, Commodore 64 Zapp Brannigan, say a few brief pages in honor of...
Nine (Telepathically): Whatever your plan is, Fry, I suggest you get on with it. Get... Shoot, I got hot sauce on my Number 9 shirt.
Fry (Telepathically): Okay, locate the Dark One by finding someone whose thoughts I can't read.
Zapp Brannigan: And unaccustomed...
Zapp Brannigan (Telepathically): By God! I'm the greatest speaker of all time. They're suckling at the teats of my every syllable.
Zapp Brannigan: Allow me now...
Kif (Telepathically): His voice is like ear sandpaper.I miss Amy.
Nixon's Head (Telepathically): The one secret no one ever suspected is that I really did stage the moon landing. On Venus. (LAUGHING)
Mom (Telepathically): [She sighs] If I had all the money in the world, I'd... Oh, wait. I do. [Evil laugh.]
Calculon (Telepathically): I'd like to thank the academy, my agent, and most of all, my operating system, Windows Vista, for everything it... System error.
Snoop Dogg (Telepathically): Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Naked ladies.
Mr. Wong (Telepathically): I never should have taken that accent elimination class from Jackie Chan.
Zapp Brannigan: And so, as we obliterize this star, let us remember those immortal words once spoken by a great man, moi. And I quote, "All good things must come to an end, preferably in a humongous explosion."
- [The audience cheers.]
Mr. Wong: Let's pop this beach ball.
ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight!
- [Fry lifts his hat up and hears indiscernible chatter of the crowd.]
Fry (Telepathically): There's no one here whose thoughts can't be read. No one, except me! My thoughts can't be read. But, but that's crazy. If I were the Dark One, I'd know it, wouldn't I? But, here I am, right where the Dark One would be, about to blow up the star. Oh, God! Somewhere deep inside of me, it's me! I'm the Dark One!
ALL: Two... one!
- [A crashing is heard and the crowd gasps. Leela has crashed the ship into the observation dome. She exits the ship with a megaphone.]
Leela: Put your hands in the air!
- [The crowd gasps and obliges.]
Snoop Dogg: Should we wave them like we just don't care?
Leela: That's optional.
Mr. Wong: You girl punks gone too far this time. Your parents should be ashamed.
Amy: Yes, you should!
- [Mr and Mrs. Wong gasps and she rips off her mask, revealing her identity to them.]
Mrs. Wong: Amy?
Mysterious, Sinister Voice (Telepathically to Mr. Wong): Destroy the star, Leo, hurry.
Mr. Wong: You got it, Mr. Voice-in-my-head. [He makes a howling Kung Fu noise. Him and Leela fight over the plunger. He gets it away from her, but Amy whacks him in the stomach with her putter.] I've gotta admit, Amy, you got a pretty good swing.
Amy: Really? Thanks, Dad.
- [He reaches out for the plunger, but she whacks him in the chest again and he groans in pain.]
Leela: Okay, time to defuse this star cracker once and for all. [She begins to cut the wire for the plunger.]
Fry: Leela, wait. You're making a mistake. You have no idea what's really going on.
Leela: What is really going on?
Fry: I can't tell you.
Leela: Then why should I trust you? Why?
Fry: Because... Because...
Leela: You're you. That's all I need to know.
Bender: No! Don't do it!
Amy: Leela, are you crazy? We became fugitives and jail-breakers to stop him.
Bender: And hookers, don't forget hookers.
Leela: Shame on all of you. After everything we've been through together, do you really think Fry would-
- [Fry pushes down on the plunger and everybody gasps. The camera follows the spark along the wire to a wire that was crudely spliced in. It travels up to the Omega Device, which Fry is now holding to his chest.]
Fry: Goodbye, Leela. I destroy myself to save you.
- [The spark reaches the device and it transforms into a medieval coat rack. There is a green orb charging in the center of it which then expands, surrounding Fry and Leela in a sphere of green energy for a small moment. It's all over as quickly as it began, leaving Fry and Leela confused. Fry attempts to trigger it again by pushing down on the plunger a few more times.]
Nixon's Head: Where's the boom? I was expecting a boom.
Fry: It didn't work. I'm the Dark One, and it didn't do anything. [He throws the plunger to the floor.]
Mysterious, Sinister Voice: [It is emitted from Leela's direction.] You're not the Dark One, I am!
Mysterious Voice: Not Leela, you moron. Me! [It's revealed that the Desert Muck Leech is the Dark One. He screams and falls flat.] What did you do to me?
- [The crowd gasps.]
Dark One: I am the Dark One. The very last Dark One. How is it possible I couldn't read your mind? Oh, I am momentarily disabled.
- [A thunderous burst occurs behind them and everybody looks at the Violet Dwarf Star System. The smaller asteroids line up beind the largest asteroid and move as one into the violet dwarf star and it undergoes mitosis, rapidly becoming a morula, then a blastocyst (the early stages of embryonic development).]
Randy: [He gasps.] What's happening out there?
Sal: Somethings wondersful.
Leela: The star and the asteroid. They were an egg and a sperm.
Preacherbot: Great modem of mercy. Cover the children's eyes.
Morbo: There are no children here.
Preacherbot: Then move your fat head. I can't see.
- [The process is complete and an Encyclopod emerges. The crowd gasps.]
Nine: The Encyclopod is reborn. A new green age has begun!
Mad Fellow: So the legend foretold.
- [The Encyclopod moves toward and past the observation dome, displaying the ecosystem on its back.]
Farnsworth: Look! Inside its pouch. Extinct Tasmanian tigers!
Amy: And dodo birds!
Leela: And white rhinos!
Hermes: And striped biologist-taunters!
Striped biologist-taunter: What are you gonna do, shoot us?
- The Encyclopod circles around the dome and stops in front of the crowd.]
Encyclopod: Life! [The crowd gasps.] These once extinct plants and animals are my gift to the universe. Through untold generations, my race has treasured their DNA. Treat them wisely with the knowledge that all species are precious.
Leela: This is unbelievable. What's going on?
Hutch: To answer that, I must tell you a story. A story of two alien species so ancient that-
- [The Dark One attacks his neck and he falls over. The crowd screams and Fry slaps the creature off Hutch's neck.]
Fry: Hutch, are you okay?
Hutch: My sister's femi-necklace. [He reaches for the necklace lodged in Fry's head.]
Fry: What? [It is pulled out of his head and he screams.] Hey, how come I can't read your thoughts anymore?
- [Hutch falls dead with a grunt.]
Encyclopod: I shall avenge you, Hutch...Waterfall.
- [The Encyclopod fries the Dark One with a laser emitted from his eyes.]
Nine: After all these eons, the Dark Ones are no more. Will you preserve their DNA, O Great Encyclopod?
Encyclopod: I suppose I should. Wait, where did it go?
- [Pan to Zoidberg who is licking his claws.]
Encyclopod: Well, at any rate, I shall preserve the DNA of Homo sapiens.
Fry: Huh. I thought you only saved the DNA of endangered species.
Encyclopod [Ominously]: Farewell. [He flies away.]
Fry: I guess he didn't hear me.
Bender: Well, looks like that wraps everything up in a nice big, old, fat sack of...
Zapp Brannigan: I hereby arrest you fugitives on 53 counts of... fugivity. Kif, round them up, and spare me the weary sigh for once. [Pause.] Kif?
Kif: [He is running into the ship with the rest of the crew.] Wait for me.
- [The ship backs out of the dome and takes off with the Nimbus right behind it, firing wildly.]
Fry: Well, this is the end. There was so many things I wanted to say to you.
Leela: Like what?
Fry: Like this is not the end. But mostly just, I love you, Leela.
- [The ship shakes as it is hit by one of the Nimbus' shots.]
Leela: Maybe I waited too long to say this, but I love you, too- WORMHOLE!
- [The ship is heading straight for a worm hole in space.]
Hermes: Sweet topology of cosmology, it's huge!
Farnsworth: If we fly into it, it could take us trillions of light years away. There's no knowing if we'll ever return.
Fry: What do we do? Should we go for it?
- [Pause in dialogue. Bender gets a beer out of his chest and opens it.]
Bender: Into the breach, meatbags. Or not. Whatever. [He starts drinking the beer.]
ALL: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
- [Fry and Leela kiss as they fly into the wormhole. It closes shut after their transmission.]
- [End credits.]
|← Previous episode transcript
← Previous film transcript
|Navigation in production order||Next →|