Transcript:The Lesser of Two Evils
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|The Lesser of Two Evils|
|Written by||Eric Horsted|
|Transcribed by||The Neutral Planet|
- [Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela are heroes in an oval.]
Announcer: [voice-over] Futurama is brought to you by ... [The oval shrinks and zooms back into the corner of the screen, replaced by a spray can.] ... Arachno Spores! The fatal spore, with the funny name!
- [Opening Credits. Caption: The Show That Watches Back.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. A show called Cop Department is on TV.]
Announcer #1: [voice-over; on TV] Cop Department is real. The people you see are not actors. Most of them aren't even people.
- [Fry, Bender and Leela sit slumped on the couch. The coffee table is filled with dishes, uneaten burgers and boxes of Chinese food. On the TV is a centipede-like alien with a blurred face.]
Centipede man: [on TV] C'mon, man, I didn't fire off no laser.
Smitty: [on TV] Then why is there a smoking hole in your ceiling, sir?
- [The camera points to the ceiling.]
Centipede man: [on TV] What? Crazy upstairs lady must've been shooting down.
URL: [on TV] Sir, you're on the top floor of this particular domicile.
- [The alien's wife walks in.]
Centipede woman: [on TV] You get that [beep sound, beep sound] camera out of my house!
Smitty: [on TV] Just relax, ma'am. [A light goes on behind him.] Sir, sir, put down the lamp.
- [The alien smashes the lamp.]
Centipede man: [on TV] OK. OK, I'm co-operating.
Smitty: [on TV] That's it. Now put up your hands.
- [The alien puts his 20 hands in the air and URL moves towards him, cuffs at the ready.]
URL: [on TV] Nice and slow. Aw, yeah!
Smitty: [on TV] And while you're at it, unblur your face.
Centipede man: [on TV] Aw, man.
- [He unblurs his face. It wasn't a TV effect!]
Leela: Hey, Bender, I thought you said you were in this episode.
Bender: Nah, this week I'm on Caught On Tape 3 'cause of what I did in the coffee pot.
- [Fry spits out his coffee. URL walks the alien out of the building.]
Centipede man: [on TV] I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm just going through some things.
- [Smitty opens the car door but the alien head butts him and runs into some bushes. URL lifts up a shoe.]
URL: [on TV] I'm goin' in!
- [The Cop Department logo appears on the screen.]
Announcer #1: [voice-over; on TV] Cop Department will return, after these messages.
- [The picture changes to a traffic-packed New New York.]
Announcer #2: [voice-over; on TV] Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient?
Bender: [tense and impatient] Shut up and get to the point!
Announcer #2: [voice-over; on TV] Then come relive the carefree days of yore at Past-O-Rama ... [The picture changes to a recreated New York street with the Empire State Building in the background.] ... where Old New York comes alive.
- [A woman looks around the street.]
Woman: [on TV] It's like stepping back stepping back into the year 2000!
- [A cowboy riding a hover-moped and carrying a harpoon pulls up. More cowboys follow him.]
Cowboy: [on TV] Time for the mammoth hunt, dudes!
- [They ride off and attack a robotic mammoth on the streets. It roars. A hot air balloon flies overhead carrying actors playing Albert Einstein and Hammurabi, who reigned around 2000BC, rather than AD.]
Einstein Actor: Let's disco dance, Hammurabi!
Hammurabi Actor: Dy-no-mite!
- [They dance. The Past-O-Rama logo appears on the screen, a play on the title logo of an unpopular cartoon series from the early 21st century.]
Announcer #2: [voice-over; on TV] Located on the former site of Brooklyn.
Leela: Sounds like your kinda place, Fry. Wanna go?
Fry: Nah. If I ever wanna go back to the year 2000 I'll just freeze myself again.
Bender: C'mon, Fry, I really wanna see it. You know how I yearn for a simpler time. A time of barn dances and buggy rides, before life was cheapened by heartless hi-tech machines.
Leela: But, Bender, you are--
- [Bender holds his hands to his ear units and shakes his head.]
Bender: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
- [Scene: Outside Past-O-Rama. The place has a Disneyland-esque theme to it and a slogan adorns a sign: "It's Da Boom!"]
- [Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. Bender, Leela and Fry walk around the streets, crowded with other tourists. They pass shops such as 47th Street Butter Churns, Iowa Bagel Co. and a cinema playing Star Wars 9: Yoda's Bar Mitzvah.]
Fry: Cool, it's just like the good old days!
- [A man jumps Fry with a knife.]
Mugger: Give me your wallet or I'll cut you!
- [Fry laughs.]
Fry: Hey, Leela, get a picture of me being "mugged".
- [He dangles his wallet in front of the mugger and Leela takes a photo.]
Mugger: I'll take the camera too.
- [He takes it and runs out through an exit. Fry laughs until he realises what has happened. He clears his throat.]
Bender: Learning is fun.
- [Time Lapse. Leela points at a screen with "Dow: 11,107" on it.]
Leela: Ooh, ancient Wall Street.
- [The Dow drops to 7,539 and stockbrokers crowd around the windows.]
Stockbroker #1: No!
Stockbroker #2: I'm ruined!
- [They throw themselves out of the window. The Dow goes back up to 11,108 and they fly back through the windows with jet-packs.]
- [Time Lapse. The trio have joined a tour group. The guide is dressed in pre-20th century clothing.]
Tour Guide: I direct your attention to this ancient and mysterious tablet which has yet to be deciphered.
- [He points to a parking sign. Leela turns to Fry.]
Leela: Do you know what it means?
Fry: Yeah, I asked a cop once. It means "Up yours, kid".
- [Bender puts his arms around Fry and Leela.]
Bender: I gotta say I'm really enjoying the day out with you people. Hey, a suicide booth! So long, suckers.
Fry: Uh, sorry, Bender, that's just a phone booth.
Bender: [disappointed] Oh.
Leela: What were they used for?
Fry: In New York? Bathrooms.
Leela: Oh. I-I'll be out in a sec.
- [She walks into the phone booth.]
- [Scene: Past-O-Rama XLIInd Street Subway. A guy with an afro stands next to some graffiti on the wall that just says "graffiti". On the same wall are two signs, one advertising "Learn Spanglish" and the other advertising "Laser Tentacle Surgery" in AL1. Bender, Fry and Leela stand by a turnstile.]
Leela: [reading] Tokens only. [talking] How does this work?
Fry: I'll show you. [He hops over it.] Whup.
Bender: Oh, it's a turnstile.
- [He hops over it and Leela follows with some fancy vaulting.]
- [Scene: Past-O-Rama Subway Train. Leela, Bender and Fry look around the messy train car.]
Leela: What's this? [She sniffs.] Another bathroom?
Fry: No, it's a mobile apartment with no rent.
- [He lies down on a seat and puts a newspaper over him. Bender hits him.]
Bender: C'mon, Fry. Get up!
- [Fry snarls and turns away from him.]
- [Scene: Past-O-Rama Street. They walk out of the subway and head elsewhere.]
- [Scene: Past-O-Rama: Treasures of The Holy Tomb. The 20th century museum appears to be themed on Ancient Egypt. Leela reads a tour leaflet.]
Leela: Wow! The burial chamber of the 20th century's greatest spiritual leader, Al Sharpton.
- [Bender looks at a glass case of jewellery.]
Bender: Ooh. Now this guy had taste!
Leela: It says he was mummified in ceremonial vestments.
Fry: We sometimes called it a jogging suit.
- [Scene: Past-O-Rama: Traffic Pavilion. Fry, Leela and Bender watch a holo-film of a busy Old New York street, packed with cars.]
Narrator: [on speaker] The traffic jams of Old New York were a public forum of free interchange of opinions.
- [In the holo-film the cars honk their horns.]
Motorist #1: [in film] Move it, crap for brains!
Motorist #2: [in film] Bug off!
Motorist #3: [in film] Get home, bastard man!
Narrator: [on speaker] It all started with Gerald Ford's famous invention, the "automocar" ... [The three start to move away from the holo-film on a moving walkway.] ... which was powered by a tank of burning fossils. Here we see a 20th century assembly line where cars were constructed by primitive robots.
- [A metal door goes up and behind it robots dressed like cavemen bang car frames with clubs.]
Robots: [chanting] Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga...
Bender: We've come a long way, baby!
- [The walkway moves on.]
Narrator: [on speaker] The fruit of the robots' labour was this ... [At the end of the assembly line some lights light up a green car.] ... the stately 1992 Latoura.
Fry: Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. Actually she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains.
Leela: Fry, remember when I told you about always ending your stories a sentence earlier?
Fry: C'mon, let's sneak in for a closer look.
- [He peers in through the window. A man dressed in medieval clothes stands behind him.]
Man: Sir, we don't touch the antiques. sir. You-- Oh! [He chuckles.] I'm sorry. You work here. I should have realised from that ridiculous getup you're wearing.
Fry: Hey! This is from Miller's Outpo-- Uh, I mean, yeah, I work here alright!
- [The man hands him some keys.]
Man: Here, move this rust bucket outside behind St. Koch's Cathedral.
- [He moves away but takes one last look at Fry and laughs.]
- [Cut to: Car. Fry and Bender climb in the front and Leela sits in the back.]
Leela: Did you drive much in the 20th century, Fry?
Fry: Nope. [He starts the engine.] No one in New York drove. There was too much traffic. [He moves the gear lever.] Nice! Listen to that baby purr.
Bender: There's a baby in there, huh?
- [Fry looks in behind him, in the rear-view mirror and behind him again.]
Fry: It's just like riding a bicyc--
- [Cut to: Past-O-Rama: Traffic Pavilion. The car lurches forward and smashes through the wall.]
- [Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. The three scream as the car speeds past people and cuts up a yellow cab being pulled like a rickshaw, with a couple sat on the roof. The car mounts the pavement.]
- [Cut to: Past-O-Rama: Theatre. 26 robots dance to a packed theatre hall. The car ploughs through the wall and drives across the stage, cutting off the robots' legs. The robots fall to the floor.]
- [Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. The car spins out of control past a three-card-monte-bot and finally crashes into something and comes to a stop.]
- [Cut to: Car. The airbags inflate in the front and everyone groans.]
Bender: I think I got whiplash.
Leela: You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck.
Bender: I meant ass whiplash.
Fry: I'm just glad we hit something. I thought we'd never stop.
- [He opens the door and gets out.]
- [Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. Bender and Leela get out too. There is a big smoking dent in the front of the car. They gasps when they see that Fry hit a another bending unit, which, except for a goatee, looks like Bender. The bending unit rubs it's ass.]
Bending Unit: Ow! I think I got whiplash.
- [It falls unconscious.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Zoidberg, Leela and Hermes impatiently pace around the room while Bender sits on the couch reading a magazine. Fry looks at a clock. It changes from 6:24 to 6:25. Enter Farnsworth and Amy, wearing masks and work aprons. Farnsworth holds a blowtorch.]
Fry: How's that robot I ran over?
- [Farnsworth lifts his mask.]
Farnsworth: We did all we could.
- [Fry gasps.]
Fry: You mean he's--
Farnsworth: Good as new? Yes!
- [Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The staff are assembled.]
Farnsworth: Leela, Zoidberg, the rest of you, this is Flexo.
Hermes: Sweet llamas of the Bahamas! Except for that stylish beard, he looks just like Bender!
- [Flexo hops off the worktop. His voice is exactly like Bender's.]
Flexo: No duh, dreadlock, we're both bending units.
Bender: Hey, brobot, what's you serial number?
Bender: No way! Mine's 2716057!
- [They both laugh. Fry joins in then stops.]
Fry: I don't get it.
Bender: We're both expressible as the sum of two cubes.
- [Flexo cheers and they high five.]
Fry: So, uh, Flexo. Sorry about crushing your body like that. You OK now?
Flexo: Well I don't feel as bad as you look! [He laughs.] Nah, I'm just messing with you, kid. You're alright. That's some face you got, though. I think they got a cream for that. [He laughs again.] Nah, you're great.
Fry: Well just let me know if there's anything I can do to make it up to you.
Flexo: Actually, your little stunt did a number on my back. You mind rubbin' it for me?
Fry: Uh ... sure.
- [He rubs Flexo's shoulders.]
Flexo: Aw, yeah, that's it. Little lower.
- [He goes lower.]
Fry: How's that?
Flexo: Lower. [He goes further down.] Yeah that's gettin' it. A little lower though.
Fry: Uh, I can't get any lower than this.
Flexo: I'll say, you're rubbing my ass!
- [He and Bender burst out laughing and high-five again.]
- [Scene: Outside Electric Ladyland Laptop Dances. A robot distributes leaflets directly from his hand.]
Robot #1: Hey, check it out here. Six beautiful devices. They know what you like and they'll do it to within a tolerance of one micron!
- [Scene: Electric Ladyland Laptop Dances. In the smoky strip club a Fembot fan dances with mechanical fans.]
Robot #2: Yeah! Spin those fans, baby!
- [Another robot whistles.]
Robot #3: Alright, mama!
Robot #4: Gyrate, baby!
- [Flexo and Bender smoke cigars. Fry coughs.]
Fry: I don't like this place. It's 120 degrees and there's very little oxygen.
Bender: Shut up and hoot. [The lights dim and a chunky Fembot with no distinguishing facial features rolls out on some tracks with a feather boa around her "neck". The robots cheer and wave their money at her.] Hubba-hubba, she is built -- in Mexico, I believe.
Flexo: And that ain't silicon, it's tungsten. And plenty of it!
Fry: [unsure] Uh, yeah. Look at that exhaust fan.
- [He waves a dollar and puts it into the stripperbot.]
Stripperbot: Thanks, moderate spender. Please select erotic transaction.
Flexo: Yeah, how 'bout a lap dance for my pal here?
- [The stripperbot moves towards Fry.]
Fry: Uh, no, no, that's alright. [She leans on him and he struggles.] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
- [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning Fry sits at the table wearing a neck brace and holding an icebag to his head.]
Fry: I'm telling you, there's something about Flexo I don't like.
- [Enter Flexo and Bender.]
Flexo: Hey, Fry, think fast. [He opens his chest cabinet and a gas blasts Fry in the face, making him cough.] Get it? It's chlorine!
- [He and Bender laugh and leave. Zoidberg laughs.]
Zoidberg: It's funny because it's poisonous!
Fry: Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp, but he's bad news. I regret ever running him over.
Hermes: Take a rage dump, man. He's no worse than Bender.
Fry: He's much worse. He drinks and smokes and he posts naked pictures of me on the Internet.
Amy: That's Bender, alright.
Fry: I'm talking about Flexo.
Leela: Oh, I get it. This is cute. You're jealous of Bender's new friend!
Fry: No, I'm not. Mark my words: Flexo's evil. He's the evil Bender.
Hermes: Rage dump!
- [Farnsworth appears on the big screen.]
Farnsworth: [on screen] Good news, everyone. Report to my bedroom for a private exhibition.
- [Everyone exchanges worried glances with one another.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Bedroom. Farnsworth sits on his four-post bed and the staff and Flexo gather around.]
Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you. [Everyone climbs on and Farnsworth presses a button and makes the curtains around the bed close. What goes on inside is hidden from view.] Feast your eyes on this!
- [Everyone gasps.]
Leela: It's beautiful.
Amy: And huge.
Fry: Can I touch it?
- [Behind the curtains Farnsworth holds a big glowing atom.]
Zoidberg: So what is it, already?
Farnsworth: It's a single atom of jumbonium, an element so rare the nucleus alone is worth more than $50,000.
Bender: How much more?
Farnsworth: 100,000. That's why I hid it here, under my mattress.
Leela: Uh, Professor, can we discuss this somewhere else?
Farnsworth: Why certainly.
- [Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Bathroom. Farnsworth sits in the bath still holding the atom. A toy scale model of the Planet Express ship floats in the bath with him.]
Farnsworth: The atom sits atop this dimestore tiara which will be awarded to the winner of this year's Miss Universe pageant on the planet Tova 9. [He puts the atom on the tiara and it floats.] Your job is to deliver it, safe and sound.
Amy: Wow! When I was a little girl on Mars I dreamed of being Miss Universe.
Leela: That's kinda pathetic.
Amy: Aw, come on, Leela. Deep down all girls wanna be Miss Universe.
Leela: Not me.
Amy: Really? Maybe it's just cute girls.
Farnsworth: Due to the atoms tremendous value, Planet Express would go bankrupt if it was stolen. Therefore we'll need to hire on additional security for the mission.
- [Flexo raises his hand.]
Flexo: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Mr. Professor, right here!
Fry: Uh, maybe we should stick with people we know and trust. I mean, Flexo's great, but--
Farnsworth: "Flexo's great," you say? Well that's good enough for me. [He shakes Flexo's hand.] Welcome aboard, lad.
- [Flexo laughs maniacally.]
- [Scene: The ship speeds away from Earth.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. Leela puts the atom in a transparent safe and locks it. She turns around, holding a laser.]
Leela: Space bandidos have been operating in this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour shifts guarding the safe. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically.
Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Wait, let's go by rank.
Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Fry: Flexo outranks me?
Flexo: That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"!
- [He pokes Fry. Then some more.]
- [Time Lapse. Bender's shift has started. He stands with his laser poised and rotates his head. The cargo bay door opens and Fry walks in. Bender points the laser at him.]
Bender: Halt. Who goes there?
Fry: Don't point that at me.
Bender: "Fry" who?
Fry: Look, I know Flexo's your friend but I don't trust him alone with the atom.
Bender: My God, Fry! Just 'cause the guy's got a beard you label him as evil? Well I got a label for you, pal: An ugly little word called "prejudice".
Fry: I'm not prejudiced.
Bender: Ah, save it for the cross-burning, Adolf!
- [Time Lapse. Fry is gone and Bender sits with his feet on the safe reading Pentiumhouse magazine. Enter Flexo.]
Flexo: Keeping an eye on the safe?
- [Bender puts down the magazine. He only has one eye.]
Bender: You know it!
- [He points at his other eye sitting on a crate the other side of the cargo bay, watching the safe.]
Flexo: Well, looks like it's my shift. You lie down and go offline for a while.
- [Bender yawns.]
- [He picks up his eye and walks out the room whistling. The door closes behind him and Flexo laughs as he looks at the atom. Fry jumps out from behind a crate.]
Fry: Caught you! [Flexo panics.] I saw you looking at the atom!
Flexo: So? I look at lots of atoms. Shouldn't you be resting up for your shift?
Fry: Oh-ho, you'd like it if I went to sleep, wouldn't you?
Flexo: Whatever it takes to shut your yapper. [He laughs.] Nah, I'm just kidding, you're a joker.
Fry: Yeah, well here's a funny joke: I'm gonna sit right here till it's my shift.
Flexo: Suit yourself, skinbag.
Fry: That I will.
Fry: Good. [Flexo doesn't reply.] Good.
- [Time Lapse. Flexo sits with the laser, bored, while Fry paces up and down. Fry's watch beeps.]
Fry: Well, that's eight hours.
- [He snatches the laser from Flexo.]
Flexo: Yeah, eight hours of solid boredom. [He laughs.] Nah, I'm kidding, you're a wonderful man.
- [He leaves and Fry sits down.]
Fry: Finally, the atom is safe.
- [He falls asleep immediately.]
- [Scene: The ship flies towards Tova 9.]
- [Scene: Outside Miss Universe Pageant. The ship lands on a landing pad near a sign informing people that "Contestants May Not Exceed More Than 50% Implant".]
- [Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. The ship shakes as it lands and Fry wakes up. He screams. The safe is broken and the atom is gone. Leela runs in.]
Leela: What is it? [She gasps.] My God! Did you hear maracas?
Leela: Then it wasn't space bandidos. [She turns around.] Bender, lock down the ship. Don't let Flexo escape.
- [Behind her, Bender wears a blue scarf.]
Bender: Aye aye, Captain. It appears that Flexo has outwitted us all. Especially me ... Bender.
- [Time Lapse. Leela and Fry look at the broken safe.]
Leela: How could Flexo have stolen the atom?
Fry: He must have used a sleep-ray on me. Sleep-rays exist in the future, right?
Fry: Oh. Then I must've fallen asleep.
Leela: Well you were sure right about Flexo being evil.
- [Bender peers around the doorway, the bottom of his face and his body obscured by the wall.]
Bender: I locked down the exits but he may have already gotten away.
Leela: OK, thanks, Bender. Let's fan out and look for him.
Bender: Roger that, I got a map of the ship right here.
- [He walks into full view carrying a big map that hides his body and lower face. Leela walks over to him.]
Leela: [whispering] Keep an eye on Fry. We can't rule out the possibility that he did it.
- [Scene: Ships Galley. Leela sneaks in with her laser at the ready. She flicks on the lights and positions herself by a cupboard marked "Emergency Supplies".]
- [She opens the cupboard but all that is in there is a clown suit.]
- [Scene: Leela's Quarters. Fry snoops around by a chest of drawers.]
Fry: Aha! [He opens a drawer but there is no Flexo, just Leela's panties. He rummages around anyway.] Uh, searching ... hmm.
- [Enter Leela.]
Leela: Fry? Why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants drawer?
Fry: I didn't find him here 10 minutes ago so I thought it was time to check again.
- [Leela slaps his hand. Bender walks in with the map covering him again.]
Bender: Well, he wasn't in the, uh, kitchen room.
Fry: [suspicious] Say, Bender, can I hold that map for a second?
Bender: And leave me high and dry in case of a scavenger hunt? I think not.
- [Fry pulls at the map but Bender holds onto it, with it still covering his face.]
Fry: Give it up!
- [They struggle for a bit and Fry eventually pulls it away, revealing Bender to be wearing his green turtleneck that covers his chin.]
Bender: Alright, take it. Sheesh!
- [He leaves. Fry eyes him suspiciously.]
- [Scene: Ships Cargo Bay. Leela and Fry inspect the safe again.]
Leela: Well, looks like Flexo got away clean.
- [Bender stands behind Fry wearing another scarf.]
Bender: It's a darn shame.
Leela: He must have jumped ship with the atom the second we landed.
Fry: Or maybe, he never left at all! [He pulls the scarf off the robot.] Wait a minute. You're Bender.
Bender: Of course, who said I wasn't?
Fry: But why were you wearing that scarf and the turtleneck and this fruity number?
Bender: It's a little thing called "style". Look it up sometime.
- [He puts the scarf back on.]
- [Scene: Outside Miss Universe Pageant. A screen advertises the Miss Universe pageant tonight and the Miss Parallel Universe pageant tomorrow. Flexo runs into the building laughing.]
- [Scene: Miss Universe Pageant. Inside, the alien finalists are lined up. Bob Barker's head in a jar hosts.]
Barker: Our ninth finalist, Miss Methane Planet, Halatina Smogmeyer. [Halatina is made entirely of gas and blows in, waving and smiling at the audience. They cheer and cough from the fumes.] And our tenth and final finalist, Miss Earth's Moon, The Crushinator.
- [The Crushinator rolls in and crushes some shoes.]
Crushinator: [mechanical voice] Thank you, Bob Barker. I'm as happy as a girl can be. End statement.
Barker: Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home the atomic tiara?
- [From the side of the stage Leela peers around the curtains and gestures to Barker.]
Leela: [whispering] Downplay the tiara.
Barker: Uh, we'll find out after these subliminal messages.
- [Scene: Bob Barker's Dressing Room. The crew are with him.]
Barker: So you lost the atom, huh? You're garbage, human garbage! Do you brain-dead space jockeys have any idea how much that thing is worth?
Barker: [to Leela] You're closest without going over.
Fry: Well, uh, we'll be leaving now. If you'll just sign this form saying you received the atom.
Barker: I'm not signing squat. You find me that damn tiara before the pageant ends.
Leela: But, Mr. Barker--
Barker: Enough out of you. I may be against the fur industry, but that won't stop me from skinning you alive! As long as no one wears the skin.
- [A woman wheels him out.]
Leela: Well, gentlemen, it appears we're boned.
- [Flexo wanders past the open door.]
Leela: Get him!
- [Cut to: Miss Universe Pageant. Miss Unnamed Planet #2856-B plays the William Tell overture on a bugle. She stops and takes her hands away revealing the bugle to be her nose. The judges give their scores. Florp gives her an 8, Calculon gives her a 9 and Zapp Brannigan holds up a "Room 715" sign and shakes the keys to the room sexfully.]
Barker: Next up in what is generously called the "Talent Competition", performing a traditional gangsta rap, Miss-- What the--
- [Flexo runs onto the stage followed by Bender, Fry and Leela. The women scream and Bender dives on Flexo.]
- [They get up and fight, moving in an identical way.]
Women: [chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
- [Leela points a laser at the two robots. They have their hands at each other's throats, covering any suspicious goatee that might help tell them apart.]
Bender: Shoot him, he's choking me!
Flexo: No shoot him, he's choking me!
- [They struggle and beads of sweat trickle down Leela's face.]
Leela: I don't know which one to shoot.
Fry: Flexo! Shoot Flexo!
- [Bender and Flexo fence each other using their antennae and they break through a wall.]
- [Cut to: Dressing Room. The contestants run away screaming, covering themselves with towels. An Amazonian separates them.]
Amazonian: Women-only room!
- [She lifts them up.]
- [Cut to: Miss Universe Pageant. A woman from the same species as the creature Zoidberg hooked up with in A Flight To Remember is in the middle of her rap. Bender and Flexo fly out through the hole in the wall and knock her over. They cover each other's chins again.]
Leela: Alright, enough of this. [She shoots a display of model planets hanging from the ceiling and they fall and knock Bender and Flexo to the floor. Another planet bounces onto one of the doors, revealing the atom. Gasps all around. Bender sits up. The atom is in his chest cabinet.] There's the atom!
Bender: Aw, jeez.
Fry: Bender? You stole the atom?
Bender: Yeah, but I can explain, it's very valuable.
Flexo: I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.
Fry: Whoa, whoa, wait a second. You mean Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked. Shocked! Well not that shocked.
Leela: I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo. It's just, what with the beard and all--
Flexo: Don't even bother. You people sicken me. I put my life on the line to guard that atom and this is how you repay me? Well you can go rot for all I care. [He laughs his anger away.] Nah, I'm just kidding, you guys are alright.
- [He walks off laughing.]
Fry: I'm so confused. The Bender I liked turn out to be evil and the Bender I hated was good. How can I live my life when I can't tell good from evil?
Bender: Eh, they're both fine choices. Whatever floats your boat.
- [He takes out a cigar and smokes it.]
- [Scene: Backstage. Bob Barker reads a book the woman is holding. URL and Smitty drag Flexo in behind him.]
URL: Is this the guy?
Barker: Huh? Oh, yeah, that looks like him. Whatever.
Flexo: Wait, but I--
Barker: Take him away.
- [Scene: Miss Universe Pageant. The contestants are all lined up ready for the winner to be announced.]
Barker: Alright, let's put an end to this pathetic hoedown. Brannigan, read the thing.
Zapp: And the winner is...
- [He starts to open the envelope. Leela, Fry and Bender watch from the side of the stage.]
Leela: It figures. Who else but Zapp Brannigan would be judging the most chauvinistic, degrading, dehumanising--
- [Zapp turns around.]
Zapp: Huh? Leela?
- [Everyone applauds and a spotlight moves to Leela.]
Leela: Wait, you're making a-- [Some flowers are handed to her.] Ooh! Look at that. [A woman puts the tiara on her head.] I feel like a princess!
- [She starts to cry and walks onto the stage and waves to the applauding audience.]
Zapp: Wait. What are you people? Idiots? I'm still going mano a mano with this envelope. [He struggles with the envelope and finally rips it open. He takes out a piece of paper.] And the winner is: Miss Vega 4. [The women take the flowers and tiara from Leela and put it on Miss Vega 4, a big purple splodge. She waves to the audience.] [singing] There it is, Miss Universe. There it is, looking weird.
- [The tiara sinks into Miss Vega 4. Fry, Leela and Bender watch. Leela sighs.]
Leela: I almost had that tiara.
Bender: Me too.
Fry: Well, you guys might both be losers but I just made out with that radiator woman from the radiator planet.
Leela: Fry, that's a radiator.
Fry: Oh. [He clears his throat.] Is there a burn ward within 10 feet of here?
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