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|Written by||Eric Horsted (parts one and two), Michael Rowe & Eric Kaplan (part three), David X. Cohen & Patric M. Verrone (part four)|
- [Opening credits. Caption: The flames in your TV are not part of the show]
- [Scene: A twelve sided dice is rolled and turns 10. Dwight, Cubert, an Indian boy and a Chinese boy are playing Dungeons & Dragons.]
Cubert: Yes, 10!
Dwight: Well done, Cubonius. You decapitated the unicorn.
ALL: All right.
Chinese Boy: Oh, oh! We search his tail pouch for treasure.
Dwight: Deep in the unicorn's rump sack, you find... [The boys gasp as he rolls the dice.] 60 gold pieces and a mysterious scrap of cloth bearing the unmistakable stench of dwarf urine.
Indian Boy: The same stench that was on the bed linens at the inn?
Dwight: The very same.
Chinese Boy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Cubert: I cast a spell of detect magic.
Bender: [Walking over to the table.] What you doing, mini-meatbags? Underage gambling? Shame on you. Count me in. [He places a wad of cash on the table.]
<poem>Dwight: We're not gambling. We're playing Dungeons & Dragons.
Cubert: Right now, we're fighting for our lives in the lair of the Dragon Queen.
Bender: Ah, wrong. Right now you're ass-deep in a folding chair.
Cubert: Yes, but in my imagination I'm riding a golden Pegasus. Giddy up, Sparky! [He rides the chair like a horse.]
<poem>Bender: [Sitting down.] Am I the only one seeing him sitting here with peanut butter on his face?
Dwight: Bender, were you built without an imagination?
Bender: What? Don't be stupid, of course not. It just hasn't descended yet.
- [Cut to the ship flying through space.]
- [Scene: In the bridge Leela pilots the ship with Nibbler on her lap. Fry is playing with some buttons and Bender stares at a console with a sad look on his face.]
Bender: Fry, do I have an imagination?
Fry: I don't know, Bender. Why do you ask? Were the other boys making fun of you?
Bender: Mhmm. They said I couldn't imagine things.
Fry: Well, you never know unless you try. Like, I didn't know if I could swallow a softball, so I gave it my best shot and voilà! [He lifts his shirt to reveal a large lump in the middle of his abdomen.] Wait, that's not it. [He twists to the left a bit to reveal a second hump.] Ah, thar she blows!
Ship's Computer (while beeping): Warning, out of dark matter fuel.
Leela: That's not a warning. A warning is supposed to come before something bad happens.
Ship's Computer (with a more stern alarm): Warning, engines will shut down in one second.
Leela: That's more like it.
- [The ship's engines die and it abruptly comes to a stop, throwing the three crew members out of their chairs. The ship drifts into a shady looking area of space.]
Fry: Uh-oh. This space neighborhood looks kind of sketchy.
Punk: [He flies onto the front of the ship and yanks off the hood ornament.] Rock 'n' roll.
Bender: Hey, that punk stole our hood ornament. Now no one will know we have the LX package.
Leela: We need dark matter and we need it fast. Fry, check Nibbler's litter box. Maybe he dropped a steamer.
Fry: Aye, aye, Captain. Yes! I've never been so excited to see poop. Well, maybe once.
- [He heaves the chunk into a Dark Matter receptacle.]
Bender: There's gas in our ass.
- [Scene: The ship flies through an air lock and lands next to a fuel station.]
Leela: Can you believe the price of dark matter? It'd be cheaper to fill the tank with Nobel Prize winners' sperm.
MOM COMPUTER: Total dark matter purchased, $632.14. Your Speedpass will now be charged.
- [A bolt of electricity shoots out to Leela's Wristlomojacker and she yells.]
Leela: You lousy...
Sal: Hey, gets a loads of that ugly ship. What shades of green is that? Puke?
Leela: For your information it's called Electric Mucus.
Hoschel: More like puke.
Leela: Yeah, why don't you come a little closer so my boot can hear you?
Bender: [Restraining her.] Calm down, Leela. You can vent tonight on your blog.
Sal: What's the matters, you couldn't affords the LX package?
Leela: You're making fun of our ship? Your ship is the most beat-up thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Mickey Rourke's head.
Sal: Yeah, she's a little Rourky, but you got to gets big time ugly to be five-time winners at a demolition derby.
Fry: That's five more times than we've won or even entered.
Bender: We do suck.
Sal: Yup, and it's gonna be six winses after tonights.
Leela: We'll sees abouts that.
- [Scene: The crew sits around the Conference Table. Scruffy leans on the fridge while looking at a magazine.]
Hermes: Dark matter costs have tripled, so we must reduce expenses. Therefore, we will no longer provide complimentary porno magazines in the lounge.
Scruffy: Dern it.
Farnsworth: And no more wasting fuel. From now on I'll be keeping a tight hold on the keys to the ship, swallowing them before I go to bed and recovering them the next morning.
Hermes: Professor, it's 4:00.
Farnsworth: 4:00 in the evening? Then, good night. [He swallows the keys.]
[Scene: Locker Room. The crew is showing.]
<poem>Leela: I don't care what the Professor says. We're entering that demolition derby to prove our ship isn't a piece of junk.
Zoidberg: But won't that turn our ship into a piece of junk?
Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg. He's right, Leela.
Leela: But we have no choice. Rednecks insulted us.
Fry: So? Let it go. Don't let your temper get the better of...
Leela: [Grabbing Fry and shaking him senseless.] Rednecks!
- [Scene: Professor's Bedroom. Zoidberg and Leela sneak in.]
Zoidberg: Using this magneto, I will now guide the keys up the thorax and out via the frontal face hole.[He extracts several keys from the Professor's mouth] That's the storage locker, the boat, the other boat, pay dirt!
- [Exterior shot of Planet Express. The hangar doors open and the ship blasts out. It speeds through space and smashes through a billboard that says "SPACE DEMOLITION DERBY - DRIVE SAFELY!" Scene: The ship lands in an arena where twenty vehicles are facing each other in a square formation.]
Rich Little (VO): Greetings, sports fans. Though whether this outpouring of inbreds can in fact be classified as a sport is a subject of no small scholarly debate.
- [The Planet Express Ship lands next to Sal's.]
Sal: Well, wells, well, if it ain'ts Princess Pukerella and her pukey puke-mobile.
Leela: Oh, yeah? Well... Shut up.
Bender: -Good comeback, Leela.
Leela: You shut up, too.
- [Bender screams.]
Rich Little: Rich Little, here, as Howard Cosell. And now to grace us with its rendition of the national anthem, please welcome what is left of the Dixie Chicks after their tragic matter transporter accident.
- [A blob of three humans walks to the centre of the arena. There are legs and arms coming out of the centre of the blob.]
The Dixie Chicks: We're in horrible pain.
- [The crowd cheers.]
'Rich Little: And we are underway.
- [Vehicles begin smashing into each other. A red truck with a deer strapped to the roof smashes head on into a blue station wagon ship. The deer flies off the hood and smacks onto the glass dome protecting the fans. The Lunar Lander is seen smashing itself onto an Omicronian ship. The blue ship smashes into the disabled red truck. The Planet Express ship flies by them and collides with Sal's ship. Both are sent spinning out of control.]
Leela: Yes! Now we're inflicting.
Rich Little (VO): Outstanding! Tonight we are witnessing a veritable clinic and that ludicrous hullabaloo known as demolition derby.
- [A Lego Man is driving his ship and collides with a Wrecktor ship. Both break into many pieces.]
George Takei: [While smacking into a ship piloted by Scott Bakula.] Way to kill the franchise, Bakula. [He hits him one more time and then sees it explode. Not long after, Takei's ship explodes as well.]
[Sal and Leela are the only two ships left. They struggle to travel towards each other.]
<poem>Rich Little (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, we are down to our final two ships. In the storied annals of demolition derby, today will surely be remembered, if only as the day upon which I was absorbed (Shows Rich Little.) into that hideous conglomeration once known as the Dixie Chicks.
Leela: Buckle your sphincters.
- [Everybody else on the ship is screaming in terror.]
Sal: That broad's insanes.
Hoschel: But you're insansier, right?
Sal: Nah, I guess nots. I've decideds to relax and enjoy life from now ons.
- [They both scream as they steer away from the collision. They crash and when the dust settles the hood pops open and one windshield wiper is working. The crowd cheers. Interior shot of the Planet Express ship shows everybody stunned in horror.]
Leela: Yes! We did it! [Her pony tail is on fire and falls off.]
<poem>Rich Little: And Planet Express takes the trophy.
- [The ship hobbles back to the Planet Express building and falls into the hangar. Inside, Fry and Amy move a curtain with a drawing of the ship around the smashed one. In Farnsworth's bedroom Leela and Zoidberg attempt to put the keys back in his stomach.]
Leela: Now, I'll use the magnet to get the keys back in there.
Zoidberg: What? You mean I cut a big hole in him for nothing? [He begins placing organs back in Farnsworth's body.]
Leela: Don't worry, the Professor won't even remember that he has a spaceship. [She gasps as Farnsworth enters with Hermes.]
Farnsworth: Ah, my precious spaceship! My lone source of joy in the cold December of my days. Come, friends. Let's take her for a spin to the malt shop like old times.
Leela (Into her Wristlojakimater): Leela to Zoidberg. Execute Distraction Protocol Alpha.
Zoidberg (From Wristlojakimater): Roger that.
- [Zoidberg enters the room. He's balancing on a purple yoga ball while juggling four flaming torches.]
Zoidberg: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Ooh! [He falls and lands against the curtain. A torch sits next to him.] Don't look at me.
- [The torch sets the whole curtain a blaze and it is quickly consumed. Hermes gasps.]
Farnsworth: Yes, she's a wonderful ship, all right. As beautiful now as the day I got botched laser eye surgery. [He looks at the floor.] Now, that's odd. What's the fuel gauge doing on the fl... [He gasps as he sees the gauge points at the notch just below the "Full" mark.] Great Godzilla's gonads! Who wasted precious fuel? Answer now or be punished.
Leela: All right, fine. I admit it.
Farnsworth: You will be punished.
- [Cut to the boys playing Dungeons & Dragons.]
Chinese Boy: Oh, my gosh, 20!
Dwight: Your pole arm does double damage, and the gelatinous cube dies in horrible poverty. [He makes dying noises.]
[The boys all cheer.]
<poem>Cubert: I proceed to cast a spell of darkness.
Indian Boy: Most ingenious.
Chinese Boy: Ah, Bender?
Bender: Me? I, uh cast a spell of darkness. [He makes ghostly noises.] Pretty imaginative, huh?
Cubert: No, you just did the same thing as me, but with a dumb noise.
Bender: Oh... You're right. I'm great in every way except I have no imagination. All I ever wanted is to play this magical game and I can't.
Dwight: Yes, you can. You just have to lose yourself in the fantasy. You have to believe the impossible is merely preposterous.
Bender: Okay. Here goes. Visor down. I believe, I believe. [He makes ghostly noises again.] I did it! I imagined something. For 1.3 milliseconds, I truly believed I was a noble robot in days of yonder.
Chinese Boy: Way to go, Bender.
Cubert: What is thy character's name, good sir?
Bender: Uh, um... I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.
- [The boys cheer as the doors open.]
Farnsworth (Angrily): Everybody out of the conference room. I am calling a conference. (To the crew:) Everybody get in here. [Cut to Leela standing with the crew and Farnsworth.] You wasted precious fuel just because you were insulted by some redneck yokel from beyond the stars?
Leela: It was only half a ball.
Farnsworth: That's not the point. Your temper is out of control. And to think I'd have never even known if it weren't for the lengthy and unsolicited tattling of Dr. Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: She also took home two rolls of Scotch tape.
Farnsworth: Thank you, Dr. Zoidberg. Hermes, incentivize that employee.[Hermes throws a fish into Zoidberg's mouth.] As for you, Leela, I'm letting you off with a warning.
Leela: Oh, thank you.
Farnsworth: A warning that will be administered by this 50,000-volt shock collar.
He puts the collar on her and Leela turns angrily towards Zoidberg]
Leela: Zoidberg, I'm gonna put my boot so far up your cloaca, you'll be... [She is shocked.] Ow!
Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence. [She is shocked.]
Leela: Son of a... [She is shocked.] Ow!
Farnsworth: Or perversions of a sexual nature.
Leela: [She is silent for a moment, then is shocked.] Ow!
Hermes: Sorry, it's the only collar they had in stock at Office Depot.
Zoidberg: I hope you picked up some Scotch tape while you were there.
Bender: That's a good one.
- [He puts his arms around Zoidberg and laughs as Leela struggles to her feet. She grabs Bender's arm and activates the shock collar sending the charge through Bender and to Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams in pain as he is shocked.]
- [Scene: An episode of The Scary Door.]
Narrator: Imagine, if you will, an announcer you can barely understand. He refers to a... *incoherent mumbling* But you're not quite sure what he said. He seems to be eating something, or perhaps he's a little drunk. It's remotely possible that he just said something about... The Scary Door.
- [Pan down to a normal farm day. Pan over to a barn with chickens and a tractor around it. Suddenly two UFO's enter and start destroying everything. Soldiers fire artillery and bullets at the hordes of ships.]
Soldier: Firing, sir!
Soldier: It's all over. Our guns and bombs are useless against the aliens.
Farmer: The saucers! Theys'a crashin'!
- [The saucers are crashing into the ground and barn. A view of a field shows many saucers slamming into the ground and the farmer pulls himself up to watch.]
Narrator: In the end, it was not guns or bombs that defeated the aliens, but that humblest of all God's creatures, the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
- [A Tyrannosaurus Rex smacks a UFO to the ground and eats the alien inside. Leela turns off the TV. She is sitting in the lounge with Hermes.]
Leela: I can't believe TiVo suggested that piece of... [She is shocked.] Ow! Come on, Hermes. Surely you have the authority to remove this damn [The collar shocks her, but it goes unnoticed.] collar.
Hermes: Alas, no. I got the key but not the authority.
Leela: [She reaches for the key and gets shocked.] Yeow! Well, who does have the authority?
Hermes: Only the staff doctor. You'll have to convince him that you have resolved your anger issues.
Leela: I don't have any god da- [Shock.] mother f- [Shock.] anger issues. [Smoke is coming from the collar.]
[Scene: Bender and the boys are playing Dungeons & Dragons.]
<poem>Dwight: As your dwarf-skin canoe rounds a bend you suddenly see... [He rolls the dice.] A terrifying red dragon.
- [Bender screams.]
Indian Boy: What do we do? What do we do?
Bender: Wait, I know. I make use of my rod of fireballs. [He makes explosion noises.]
<poem>Cubert: [He scoffs.] Everyone knows red dragons are immune to fireballs as well as all other forms of incendiary attack.
Bender: Yes, but I aim not at the dragon but at the river itself to create a shroud of steam through which we can escape.
Dwight: [He rolls the dice.] Sweet pony of Sierra Leone, it worked!
- [Bender laughs victoriously.]
Chinese Boy: We did it!
- [Fry enters the Conference Room sniffing a carton of milk.]
Fry: Bender, smell this milk.
Bender: I go not by the name of Bender, you fleshy fool. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.
- [Fry backs out of the room. Cut to the Lab where a monkey and Farnsworth stare at each other. They're both wearing headgear connected to tubes. Fry enters.]
Fry: Professor, something's bothering me.
Monkey (In Farnsworth's Voice): Well, you can always talk to me about anything, Fry. What's on your mind?
Fry: Well, it's... it's about my friend Bender.
Farnsworth Monkey: Mmm. I see. Show me on this anatomically correct doll exactly where he touched you.
Fry: No, it's nothing like that. It's just that I am worried about him. He's being playing an awful lot of Dungeons & Dragons.
Farnsworth Monkey: Dungeons &... Good God! Hasn't he seen the Afterschool Special? You've got to talk to him, Fry. Make him quit now before he completely loses his mind.
Fry: Okay, I will.
Farnsworth Monkey: Good boy. Just don't let him touch you down there.
- [Fry nods. Pan to Farnsworth who is acting like a monkey.]
- [Scene: Zoidberg's Office. Leela lays on a bed while Zoidberg examines an X-Ray.]
Zoidberg: Well, here's your problem, right here. You've got a skull embedded in your head.
Leela: [Annoyed sigh.] You're absolutely right, Doctor. Can the collar come off now?
Zoidberg: Let me just peel your head a little and see if I can get that skull out. [He pulls a large potato peeler out of a drawer and prepares to "fix" Leela's problem, but she gets angry and activates the shock collar while kicking the utensil out of his grip. It flies into the groin of an upside down poster of the human body.]
<poem>Zoidberg: So, you tell me, little miss expert, why always with the temper? Calm down for once and think. Here, enjoy a relaxing spritz from my empathy bladder. [She is squirted with a light green liquid and the collar emits a shock. Leela isn't phased by it.]
Zoidberg: What is it, already? What's the cause of your anger?
Leela: I guess I would have to say, I hate you. [The collar emits a shock.]
Zoidberg: I'm beginning to understand. It all goes back to your parents.
Leela: What? [The collar is intermittently shocking her now.]
Zoidberg: You harbour resentment because they pushed you to study medicine when all you ever wanted was to be a song-and-dance man. [He dances around and sings a tune then falls to his knees and sobs.] Why? Whyyy?
Leela: I was raised in an orphanarium. My parents are sewer mutants who I never even met until a few years ago.
Zoidberg: Then you've got to go to them and work this song-and-dance stuff out. Maybe have them cook me nice dinner. No scallions. I hate them. (To an intercom:) Amy, cancel my appointments.
Amy (From intercom): Stop calling me.
- [Scene: Bender's apartment. Bender is washing a pot and Fry enters the kitchen.]
Fry: Bender, please don't get mad, but I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons.
Bender: You're absolutely right, Fry. I almost went insane, but after this heart-to-heart talk, I've decided to quit.
Fry: Really? Whew! That's a load off my toad.
Bender: Now, if you'll excuse me. [He places the pot on his head.] I'm off to slay the werewolf of Goblin Mountain. [He waves his arms around, makes gibbery noises and dives head first out the window, having clearly gone insane. Cut to Hermaphrobot screwing her left breast in place under a street light. Bender falls in front of her, gets up and pulls a sword out from his chest.]
<poem>Bender: On guard, man-wench! Prepare to cross blades.
Hermaphrobot: You couldn't afford it, honey. [She snaps her fingers.]
[Cut to Nibbler moving litter to cover of a fresh ball of Dark Matter. Bender jumps next to litter box and startles him.]
<poem>Bender: Foolish leprechaun, I scoop your treasure in the name of the fancy men. [He scoops Nibbler's poop and dumps it in his chest.]
Hermes (from off screen): He also left a small pile of treasure on the living room rug.
- [Cut to a Hoverbus Hoverstop. Pan to Bender running toward it, sword drawn, at full speed.]
Bender: Foul dragon, meet thy doom.
- [The Hoverbus runs Bender over. He is left crushed in the middle of the street. Pan down the sewer cover to Sewer City.]
- [Pan across the sewers to the Turanga residence. Scene: Inside, Zoidberg, Leela and her parents are eating.]
Turanga Munda: Would you like a napkin, Doctor?
Zoidberg: Thank you.
Leela: Satisfied, Zoidberg? My relationship with my parents is fine.
Turanga Munda: Now, hold on, Leela. Maybe this torture collar is good for you.
Leela: What? [ she is shocked.] Ow!
Turanga Munda: It'll control your temper. Men like a woman who's not always slamming their head in the car door.
Turanga Morris: She's right. That's what first attracted me to your mother. [He laughs and Leela's collar emits a shock.]
<poem>Turanga Munda: So, Leela, I understand your friend here is a physician, and I'm not seeing a ring on his claw.
Leela: Mom, he's a cockroach from outer space. [A large shock is dispensed and Leela screams.]
<poem>Zoidberg: Good, Leela, work that anger out. Excuse me a moment, I'm swarming with parasites. [He sticks his fork under a flap on his chest and many bugs crawl around it. There is a knock on the window, Turanga Morris answers it.]
Turanga Morris: Hey, it's what's-his-name from the surface. The bi-clops.
Fry: Ha-have you seen Bender? He's gone nuts. Also, smell this milk.
- [Bender comes shooting out of a grate in the wall. He has his sword and a garbage can lid as a shield.]
Bender: Prepare for a surprise attack.
- [Everybody screams and Fry drops the milk carton.]
Zoidberg: Someone do something.
Leela: I would, but... [She is shocked.] Ow! Take my collar off.
Zoidberg: I can't, I'm still eating. [He shovels food into his mouth and Bender attacks him by smashing his head with the shield.] Help me, Leela.
- [Leela prepares to attack Bender with a plate, but is brought to the floor by a shock from the collar. She chokes trying to get it off.]
Bender: I cast upon thee a spell of fireball! [He burps behind a lit candle in Leela's direction, but she dodges out of the way. The fireball sets the couch, then house on fire. Bender has them cornered and uses his arm as a bow to fire utensils at the group. They all struggle to dodge the shots, but a spoon strikes Zoidberg in the forehead. Bender readies to fire a spork.]
<poem>Zoidberg: No! Not the spork!
Fry: [Standing in front of the group with a ladle in his hand.] Beholdeth, Titanius, I cast a freeze ray upon you.
Bender: [He scoffs.] That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as a "freeze ray." What, you mean a cone of coldness?
Fry: Yeah, that.
Bender: No! No! Fancy men are defenseless against cone of coldness. [He acts like he's about to freeze.] I'm freezing... what? Ah! [His body goes rigid and falls over.]
<poem>Fry: Bender, no. When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won't make you cool?
Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'm a doctor. I'm sure the robut will be just fine with a little help.
- [Cut to Bender opening his eyes.]
Bender: Help, help. [Cut to reveal he's in a padded cell in a straight jacket.] (Echoing:) Help! [Cut to show the exterior of his cell. Cut to exterior shot of the HAL Institute - For Criminally Insane Robots.]
[Scene: Dr. Perceptron's office.]
<poem>Dr. Perceptron: Please, send in the patient.
Intercom Assistant: Yes, Doctor. [An arm extends out a pulls a lever on the desk. Bender falls from a door in the ceiling, still in the straight jacket, into a chair.]
Dr. Perceptron: So, (Low monotone voice:) Bender, (Normal voice:)I understand you're having trouble separating fantasy from reality.
Bender: Says who? Was it the bugbear? Is he talking about me again?
Dr. Perceptron: I understand. Commence therapy. [He pushes a button on his clip board. A hammer comes down from the door in the ceiling and begins striking Bender on the head.] Tell me about your feelings. [The strikes from the hammer speed up.]
[Scene: Planet Express Lounge. Fry is reading a pamphlet titled "Mental Illness - It's okay to be ashamed."]
<poem>Fry: Poor Bender. Says here to tell his friends he's at a spa.
- [Amy enters the room.]
Amy: So what happened to Bender?
Fry: He's at a spa.
Amy: Wow, there's a spa in the nut house?
Zoidberg: Friends, friends, stop everything. There's food in this shaker. [He begins sucking the salt out of a salt shaker, accidentally swallows it and sneezes mucus all Leela, who becomes angry and is administered a shock.]
<poem>Leela: Ow! Enough already! Can you please remove this anger collar?
Hermes: Are you still angry?
Leela (Assuring): No. [She is shocked.] Ow!
Hermes: It also shocks you when you lie.
Farnsworth: Quiet, everyone. The network news is on and if I, a 165-year-old man, don't watch it, who will?
Morbo: Thankfully, the amazing talking horse was rescued and safely returned to the meat department.
Linda: [She laughs.] Turning to the less stupid portion of our broadcast, fuel prices hit an all-time high today due to the ongoing dark matter shortage.
Morbo: Earlier, our own Morbo sat down with Mom, CEO of Mom's Friendly Multinational Energy Conglomerate.
- [An opening montage of "Tea with Titans" is shown. Morbo is seen in pictures with Rich Little, Zapp Brannigan, the Space Pope and Billionare Bot.]
Morbo: [He sips his tea.] Oh! Hello, Morbo the Annihilator, here, sitting down to a delightful tea in this fake living room set. (Shouting:) Thank you for joining us, Mom.
Mom: My pleasure, sugarplum.
Morbo: Mom, you control the world's only dark matter mine. Tell us, why are fuel prices so high?
Mom: Oh! It's terrible, isn't it? Dark matter is just so rare nowadays, but we'll keep pinching loaf after loaf from the bowels of the earth, even if I lose money on every log.
Morbo: If you are losing money, how did you post record profits last quarter?
- [Morbo holds up a Quarterly Report book for "Mombil." It shows Mom squeezing a drop of liquid out of the Earth. There is a dollar sign in the droplet. Mom nervously clears her throat.]
Mom: You look thin, care for one of my famous pecan clusters?
Morbo: [He reaches for one, but hesitates.] Morbo shouldn't. It will go straight to Morbo's gargantuan forehead. Oh, what the heck? I guess I could destroy one or two of them. [He devours the entire plate and all of the cookies in one gulp.]
<poem>Mom: Do people care enough to drill for dark matter even in an Alaskan wildlife refuge? People do.
Farnsworth: Greedy old hag, taste the wrath of my fuzzy slipper. [He hurls the slipper toward the TV, but it doesn't make it and floats to the ground.]
<poem>Leela: Professor, why are you so hot and dusty over this dark matter shortage?
Farnsworth: Oohh... I bet you'd like to know. I bet you'd like to know, indeed.
- [Scene: Mom's Dark Matter mine. A truck transporting fuel away from the mine drives by a white rabbit. When the exhaust dissipates, the rabbit is grey and a polar bear eats it. Mom is entering her office, which houses a map of the world, the single non-local metaparticle crystal and a vault, which Larry and Walt are throwing bags of money into. When the doors close, Mom pushes one of her buttons and her large dress mechanically folds into her boots.]
Walt: Hello, Mother. How did the interview go?
Mom: It made me want to puke my face off. Where's my Thigh Blaster?
Larry: Right here, Mom.
Mom: Shut up!
Larry: Okay, thank you.
- [Igner pushes a chair over for her to sit on and she begins using her Thigh Blaster.]
Mom: Burn, you damn thighs. Burn!
Igner: Mommy, are you upset 'cause of the dark matter shortage?
Mom: There is no shortage, you moronic ass-brain!
Igner: There's not? But you said...
Mom: [She sighs.] Allow me to explain. Suppose this hand represents current reserves of dark matter and this hand represents consumer demand.
- [She slaps him with both hands, then lights a cigarette and goes back to burning her thighs.]
- [Cut back to Planet Express. Farnsworth is still going on while he mixes a fluid in two boiling tubes.]
Farnsworth: I just bet you'd like to know why I'm so angry about this dark matter shortage. I bet very much you'd like to know.
Amy: You're right, Professor. We would like to know.
Farnsworth: Really? I didn't think anyone was interested. It all started 30-odd years ago. [Farnsworth starts a VO. Fade to a flashback of Farnsworth sitting at a desk. He is molding a chemistry model and Mom joins him, similar to the scene from Ghost.] I was working in Mom's laboratories for the third time after twice before realizing how evil she was and vowing never to work for her again. But somehow the rich, wrong stench of her boney charms kept calling me back.
- [Everybody announces their disgust.]
Zoidberg: Don't stop, Professor. I'm getting aroused. [His mating fin rises.]
<poem>Farnsworth: Back in those days, dark matter was just a worthless inert curiosity, and I was smashing it in a particle accelerator, in an ill-conceived attempt to create a more durable harpsichord wax. But, as Deepak Chopra taught us, quantum physics means anything can happen at any time for no reason. Also, eat plenty of oatmeal and animals never had a war. Who's the real animals? [Small pause.] And thus against all probabilities... it happened. [The dark matter particles in the particle accelerator begin colliding and exploding. A large explosion leaves only a single item - the single non-local metaparticle crystal.
Younger Farnsworth: Dang!
Farnsworth: I'm sure I don't need to explain that all dark matter in the universe is linked in the form of a single non-local meta-particle.
Amy: Guhh! Stop patronizing us.
Farnsworth: So, in one instant, I had transformed all dark matter everywhere into a new crystalline form... (Younger Farnsworth to Younger Mom:) ...making it the most potent fuel since primitive man first ignited mastodon flatulence to heat his cave.
Younger Mom: I'm intrigued, Hubert. You have my undivided attention.
- [Mom is breast feeding Walt and Larry at the same time. Farnsworth pulls out a match and ignites a ball of dark matter causing combustion. It blows the two of them to the ground and the babies start crying.]
Younger Mom: Shut up, you milk-sucking leeches! A new super fuel, eh? We're rich.
Younger Farnsworth: Indeed, we are.
Younger Mom: Not you, we. Us, we. [A younger Wernstrom walks into her arm.] I'm getting back together with my ex-husband.
Younger Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
Younger Wernstrom: You've been played, Farnsworth. Played like a cheap harpsichord.
Younger Mom: Walt, fire that employee like Mommy taught you.
- [Walt pushes a button on a toy. Farnsworth finds this cute, but it forced through the wall by a large piston. Cut back to present times.]
Leela: Professor, maybe I can help you get even with Mom. I spend most of my time thinking about how to get revenge on a bad boss.
Fry: Me, too.
Amy: I made a blinding powder.
[She holds up a vial of it]
Farnsworth: Thanks, but that won't be necessary because I have the ultimate weapon. [Cut to the scene when the first crystal was created. A black crystal shoots out of the machine and Farnsworth puts it in his pocket. VO:] You see, in the instant the energy crystal was created, there also came into being an opposite crystal made of pure anti-backwards energy.
Farnsworth: So, this! If ever the two crystals should meet, their wave functions would collapse like Raymond Burr's trampoline, once again rendering all dark matter inert and useless as fuel.
Hermes: But then we'll have no fuel.
Farnsworth: But once we free society from dependence on Mom's dark matter, scientists will finally care enough to develop cleaner, alternative fuels.
Fry: Scientists like you!
Farnsworth: No, not me. I'm too busy developing makeup for dogs. That's where the money is.
Leela: [Her collar is active during her rousing.] This is our chance to teach Mom a lesson. Come on! Let's take the anti-crystal and shove it up Mom's regular crystal.
Hermes: Fight the power!
Farnsworth: There's just one, small problem, and it's a big one. I hid the crystal and I can't remember where.
Hermes: Well, surely it's just a matter of waiting till you next move your bowels and then using a potato masher...
Farnsworth: Don't you think I already tried that? No. I'm afraid, the crystal is lost forever.
- [Cut to the crystal being used as a die by the boys playing Dungeons & Dragons.]
Dwight: Nine? You did it. You outwitted the fungus.
Chinese Boy: Who needs girls?
- [Scene: HAL Institute - Dr. Perceptron's office. Bender is sitting in a circle with Mad Hatterbot, Roberto, Convenience Store Bot, a Teapot bot and Rosie from the Jetsons.]
Dr. Perceptron: Since you have all proven resistant to individualized hammer therapy, I now prescribe group therapy.
- [He presses a button and hammers begin hitting the robots on the head. The Teapot bot is shattered by its hammer and Rosie cleans the mess up.]
Rosie: Everything must be clean, very clean. That's why the dog had to die. He was a dirty dog. Dirty, dirty. Also, that boy, Elroy. Dirty, dirty.
Dr. Perceptron: Who would like to share their feelings?
Intercom Assistant: I feel unappreciated at work.
Dr. Perceptron: What? I can barely understand you.
Intercom Assistant: I said I feel...
Mad Hatterbot: Change places.
- [Everybody switches seats.]
Roberto: Well, well. Looks like old Roberto is the focus of attention now. Stop looking at me. [He makes his "knifing" noises.]
<poem>Dr. Perceptron: Calm down, Roberto. Tell us about your childhood.
Roberto: I was designed by a team of engineers attempting to build an insane robot. But it seems they failed.
Convenience Store Bot: Um, actually... [Roberto stabs him and he coughs up some candy bars.]
<poem>Bender: Look, we have to accept the fact that we all have a serious problem. And if we ever wanna get out of here, the first step is to admit it.
Dr. Perceptron: Good, Bender.
Rosie: That's right.
Bender: There's a band of river trolls living in the moat and they may have no intention of letting us out of this castle, unless we hand over the Golden Scepter of Zanthor.
Roberto: Say what? Dude's crazy.
Dr. Perceptron: Bender, please, try to...
Bender: I know not of this Bender. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.
Dr. Perceptron: You are suffering a breakdown. Now stop. Hammer time. [He pushes a button and a hammer smashes his glass head.] I'm in your seat. I forgot we had changed places.
Mad Hatterbot: Change places? [His body is trampled by running robots.]
[Scene: Planet Express - Observatory.]
<poem>Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Amy: You perfected dog mascara?
Farnsworth: Far from it. If you ask me, they look like a bunch of hookers. But what I have invented is a means of locating the missing crystal. [Everybody gasps.] When I push this button, the crystal will emit a high-frequency stink.
Zoidberg: [He is putting on eye mascara.] Hurray!
Farnsworth: There. Now, with any luck I'll detect it with my smelling aid. [He sticks a device in his nose and it begins beeping.] I just pray to all powerful Atheismo that we find it before Mom does.
Hermes: Do you smell the crystal, Professor?
Farnsworth: No, damn it! Just the alluring scent of Obsession for spaniels.
- [A dog sprays perfume on another dog and sniffs its behind. Cut to the anti-backwards crystal die, emitting a fume.]
Dwight: Dude. Who whipped an egger?
CubertHe who smelled it, dealt it.
Dwight: Yeah? Well, he who denied it, supplied it.
Cubert: Well, he who articulated it, particulated it.
Dwight: Well, he who refuted it, tooted it.
- [Cut to Mom's office, her map is flashing with an alarm.]
Mom: Jesus craps. The anti-backwards crystal.
- [She slaps Larry.]
Larry: Ow! Ah... sorry?
Mom: Relax, it's not your fault. [She slaps him again.] I can't believe it still exists. Google the hell out of that skanker. [The map zooms into Planet Express.] Planet-sucking-Express? Of course. How could I have been so dumb? [She slaps herself.] With that crystal, Farnsworth could completely destroy my dark matter empire. I underestimated that sagging old bag of bones and gonads.
Inger: Is that man bad?
Mom: Very bad, Igner. And that's why I need you three to go steal the anti-crystal away from him. But be careful. You'll need all your stoogely cunning.
- [Scene: A cube van stops in front of Planet Express. The door bell rings and Fry answers.]
Fry: Oh, great. What do we got? Wall gophers? Toilet snails?
Walt: No, I'm afraid you've got owls. Over there, see?
- [Fry looks around and doesn't see anything. Walt hits Igner.]
Walt: Dump the bag, you nitwit.
- [Igner turns to grab the bag, hitting Larry in the head with a ladder.]
Larry: Hey, watch it. [He holds up a mouse trap.]
<poem>Walt: Quiet, you. [He gets his hand caught in the mouse trap.] Ow!
Fry: I was looking over there for a long time but I didn't see any... Oh, there they are. Gross.
Walt: We've got to act fast. Larry, get out the geigersniffer.
Larry: I don't know, Walt. You're just gonna hit me with it.
Walt: No. I'm going to hit you with this. [Walt hits Larry's shield on his mask and knocks him over. Cut to the lounge, the three can still be heard in the background as Leela and Amy sit on the couch. Fry enters.]
<poem>Fry: Those three exterminators are hilarious.
Amy: Really? I don't think so.
Leela: Me, neither. Now, Sex and the City, that's funny.
- [Cut to the boys playing Dungeons & Dragons.]
Dwight: After wandering aimlessly in the swamp, you suddenly... [He rolls the dice.] wander aimlessly in the swamp.
- [The door opens behind them and the ticking of the geigersniffer is heard. Larry, Walt and Igner enter and hone in on the anti-backwards crystal.]
Walt: There it is. [Larry and Igner walk into him after he has stopped.]
<poem>Cubert: Uh, excuse you as you apparently didn't notice, we're trying to traverse the Quagmire of Slogdonia.
Walt: I'm sorry, little boy. You see, we're owl exterminators.
Igner: We are owl extermin... [Larry pulls the ladder back and lets it hit Igner in the head.] Ow!
Walt: And what we have here is an owl egg that's about to hatch into an owl larva. So, if you don't mind, we'll just take this and...
Cubert: [He scoffs.] What are you, stupid? That's a dodecahedral crystal I found hidden in the downstairs walrus tank.
Dwight: And I wrote numbers on it so we could use it as a D12, 'cause I have the best handwriting.
Cubert: Do not.
Dwight: Do too.
Cubert: Do not.
Dwight: Do too.
Cubert: You win this round.
- [Farnsworth enters.]
Farnsworth: What's going on here?
Igner: We're owl exterminators.
Farnsworth: Oh? Then you won't have any problem exterminating this owl.
- [He pulls an owl out from behind him. It is perched on his arm. Igner nervously attempts to grasp the owl with a pair of pliers, but it flies away before he catches it. The owl torments the three of them by flying around their heads. The anti-backwards crystal falls to the floor and rolls to Farnsworth's feet. He sniffs a little more and bends over to pick it up, cracking his back a few times in the process.]
Farnsworth: My anti-backwards crystal. [He sneezes out the smelling aid] So it's you three. I should have known Mom would send her brainless brood to do her dirty work. Walt, the leader among imbeciles.
Walt: Hey! They resent that.
Farnsworth: Larry, the sniveling middle child.
Larry: Sorry. Thank you.
Farnsworth: And you, Igner. The evil I could tolerate, but the stupidity... [He shudders.]
<poem>Igner: We're owl exterminators.
Farnsworth: Good God. Just knowing we're in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo. [The boys start laughing.] Now, get out and tell Mom thanks for the crystal. [He laughs while staring at the crystal. Cut to the three brothers standing in front of Mom.]
<poem>Igner: Thanks for the crystal.
- [Mom slaps Igner. Cut to Planet Express. The hanger doors open and Fry is seen adjusting something in the ship's thruster with a large screw driver.]
Fry: There. The repairs are complete.
Farnsworth: [He honks the horn.] Let's go, already. We've got to infiltrate Mom's dark matter mine, now. How do you start this thing? [Fry ducks out of the way as flames shoot out of the thrusters. Cut to a shot of Leela sifting through Nibbler's litter box. Farnsworth honks the honk again.] Good Lord, woman. Can you move any slower? [He honks the horn again.] Rake up some dark matter and top off the tank.
Leela: Well, there isn't any dark matter. Nibbler hasn't pooped at all. And he ate a whole family of koalas last night. Nibbler! Nibbler!
Farnsworth: I'm not interested in the whereabouts of your cutesy-fruitsy space rat. The only thing that matters right now is this crystal. [He throws the crystal at Leela's head.]
Farnsworth: And be careful with that crystal. [The ship takes off.]
[Scene: Bender is laying flat in a chair. He has mice and spiders crawling all over him, there is an alarm sounding off, the lights are flashing and there is a axe device swinging close to his head like a pendulum.]
<poem>Bender: (Muffled chanting.) [Dr. Perceptron removes the tap from his mouth.] Death to ogres! [He put the tape back on.]
Dr. Perceptron: Even relaxation therapy has failed. Diagnosis, insanity. Nurse, schedule a robotomy for Bender.
Nurse Ratchet: Yes, Doctor. I'll get the tools from the shed.
Dr. Perceptron: It's a very painful procedure. So until then, just try to relax.
- [The rats, spiders and swinging blades are placed on Bender again.]
- [Scene: The Planet Express ship is flying towards Mom's Dark Matter Mine. A small camera poking out of the ice watches them. Cut to Mom watching the camera's feed. She laughs and Walt joins in with her, Larry joins soon after that.]
Mom: What are you laughing at?
Larry: Your laugh. It's just so infectious.
Mom: So's herpes. Now, shut up! You and Walt, lead the killbots to the surface and blow Farnsworth out of the sky.
Walt: What about Igner?
Mom: That hairless ape? I swear. When he came out I flipped a coin whether to keep him or the after-birth.
Walt: Yes, Mother. You told that story at his graduation.
Mom: I'm afraid he can't be trusted on this mission. You see, there is a terrible secret about Igner I've never told anyone. And here it is.
- [Cut to a wide shot of them talking. They can't be heard. Igner is sweeping and listening from an open door. Cut back to Mom. She says something and Walt and Larry's jaws drop. Igner makes his "I'm scared" noise. Cut to the Planet Express ship flying toward the mine. It's being fired by a line of Killbots at and returning fire.]
Walt: Continue returning fire.
Killbot 1: [He turns to them while firing.] What?
Killbot 2: [He turns around while firing too.] What did they say?
Killbot 1: I don't know. I can't hear a thing.
Killbot 3: [He turns around as well.] Hey, what's everybody talking about?
- [The ship takes down two Killbots, but the hole is filled by more. It is hit multiple times and the crew starts screaming. Keep exterior shot of the ship.]
Farnsworth: Mayday! Mayday! [Walt and Larry flee from the defence line.] Oh, God. I cannot believe this is the best plan I could come up with. [The ship crashes just in front of the Killbots. Pull back to reveal Farnsworth holding a controller. He flicks a switch and a light goes off. Fry and Leela sit in the snow bank with him.] We weren't actually in the ship.
- [The three are standing in front of exhaust fans.]
Leela: Okay, team, these red-hot, razor-sharp fans are the only safe way into the mine.
Fry: Hmm, uh, ladies first. [She pushes him through the blades, picks up Farnsworth and hops through. They're walking through a tunnel.] Phew! That blade missed me by the skin of my pants. [His pants have been cut open. The crew throw their jackets into a bin labelled "CLOTHES FOR THE GREEDY." Farnsworth presses the call button on a maintenance elevator.]
<poem>Elevator Steward: Maintenance shaft 7 serving...
Farnsworth: Shut your mouth.
Elevator Steward: I'm just talking about the shaft.
- [Leela kicks him in the chest, he hits the wall and falls apart. Her collar is emitting a charge.]
Fry: Jeez, doesn't that shock collar hurt?
Leela: Actually, feels kind of good. I guess I'm starting to associate it with the pleasure of beating people up.
- [The doors on the elevator close and it begins its descent, but picks up speed all the way down. The three of them are screaming and an interior shot of the elevator shows them experiencing weightlessness. An exterior shot of Level 65 shows the elevator suddenly stop a few feet from the floor, slamming the three of them to the ground. It slowly lowers until it's even with the floor. Cut to Mom staring at the crashes ship on her TV.]
Walt: We shot them down, Mother. The intruders never even got to Sector 1.
Security Woman (on PA): Intruders in Sector 15. Intruders in Sector 15.
Mom: Ugh... Sometimes I don't know why I even bother to slap you. [She slaps them twice anyway.] (on PA:) All Killbots to Sector 15.
- [Cut to two Killbots rolling down a hallway.]
Killbot 1: [He turns to the other Killbot and shoots him.] What did she say?
Killbot 2: [He turns to the other Killbot and shoots him.]What did you say? [The two of them stay position towards each other and eventually destroy themselves. Fry, Farnsworth and Leela dash by their bodies. Another view of a hallway shows balls of Dark Matter being transported through tubes.]
<poem>Fry: There are so many killbots behind us I can't count them all. Three, I think.
- [Leela runs around a corner, then steps back and grabs Fry as he keeps running into the open. Several Killbots drive down a hallway.]
Leela: We're trapped.
Farnsworth: The main pit must be in here. I'm detecting vast quantities of Dark Matter.
- [On the wall, there is a keypad reading CODEX PAD.]
Leela: Step aside turkey-neck. I think I know the code. [She punches the keypad and the door opens. They get in and slam it shut before the Killbots spot them.]
Farnsworth: We're in. We're in the heart of the mine. The very source of all Mom's wealth and... [He lets out a long winded, girly scream. Pull away from them at the door down a huge room with caged Nibblonians occupying it. There are more floors featuring the same thing above and below. Cut to shots of the caged Nibblonians, their poop is being harvested and transported through clear pipes.]
Leela: My God! This isn't a crap mine. It's a crap farm.
Fry: Is there really so much of a distinction? I mean...
Nibbler: (From offscreen:) Leela, it's me, Nibbler.
- [Leela runs over to a Nibblonian, he looks tired and very shaggy.]
Leela: Oh, my God, you look horrible, Nibbler. I think I'm going to vomit.
Nibblonian: Nibbler is over there.
Leela: Oh, sorry. Nibbler! Oh, my poor little snuzzy-wuzzams. Are they treating you okay?
Nibbler: No, they are force-feeding us so we poop more dark matter. It's horrible. [A chime tings and chickens fly out of a hole at the rear of his cage and he "reluctantly" eats them whole then belches.] Those are good. You've got to help us.
Nibblonians: Help us!
Nibblonian: Help us, for God's sakes!
- [Nibbler drops a turd and it is transported out of his cage via a tube. Nibbler whimpers.]
Leela: Nibbler made a bo-bo.
Nibbler: Yes, but not on my terms. I will not be treated like... Hey, wait, aren't you amazed I can speak?
Fry: Well, actually, no. You forgot to blank our memories after you spoke last time.
Nibbler: You mean you've known I was sentient? Then why did you let me eat Friskies and make bo-bo in a litter box?
Fry: Well, you're cuter that way.
Farnsworth: Cute as a baby's buttocks.
Leela: So what happened? How did Mom capture all you Nibblonians?
Nibbler: [He sighs.] It all began 36 years ago... [He looks at his watch.] Now! On the planet Vergon 6. [Fade to the surface of Vergon 6. There are many animals moving around.] (VO:) It was a veritable Eden, brimming with unique and irreplaceable species. [Nibbler eats a tortoise looking animal.] Most of which were delicious. [he belches up the animal's shell.] I was Supreme Fuzzler of a Nibblonian scientific outpost. It was paradise, until they came. One of your DOOP ships struck dark matter, little realizing it was not a natural deposit, but rather centuries of Nibblonian fecal material.
Fry: Wow, the big fecal enchilada. Anyone else hungry?
Nibbler: The DOOP contracted a ruthless businesswoman to spearhead the mining operation.
Leela: Let me guess. Mom?
Nibbler: The very same.
Fry: Can I also guess Mom?
Nibbler: To reduce cost she started a new enterprise, Mom's Friendly Robots, to build robot slaves. Remember this was back in the days before Robot Lincoln.
Mom: Faster, faster!
Robot Slave: I'm going exactly as fast as you built me to go.
Mom: Oh, wise guy, huh?
- [She unplugs him from the socket and whips him with the cord, then plugs him back in.]
Robot Slave: Ow!
Nibbler: Eventually, the planet was mined down to a hollow shell and my people were forced to evacuate. [A Nibblonian ship is shown leaving the planet. Pan over to see Nibbler squatting down in some plants.] Alas, I had eaten a day-old Swinosaur for lunch. And while doing some evacuating of my own, I was left behind. [He makes noises that often accompany bowel movements. Mom is watching him.]
Mom: So, that's where it comes from. We may have a whole new source of Dark Matter on our hands.
Nibbler: As it turned out I was the lucky one. [The Nibblonian ship is seen entering Mom's ship.] Unbeknownst to me, Mom captured my colleagues and enslaved them here in this... this... crap farm.
Nibblonian: There's nothing to do but eat and crap, eat and crap. It's like visiting my parents.
Nibbler: As for me, I emerged from behind the "bush of many uses" to find I had been left behind. I was doomed, doomed.
[Scene from Loves Labours Lost in Space]
Leela: Hello, there.
Nibbler: Startled, my cuteness reflex kicked in.
Leela: I'll call him Nibbler.
Nibbler: A silly name for a high-ranking Fuzzler. But, hey, I was glad to be rescued. [Flashback Nibbler watches Vergon 6 explode.]
<poem>Leela: But then, how did you end up here with the others?
Nibbler: I was kidnapped yesterday by Mom's vile sons in their moronic disguises.
Igner: I was an owl exterminator. [They turn around. Igner is pointing a gun at them.] Do you have the crysal?
Farnsworth: It's pronounced "crystal," you lump.
- [A noise is heard from the door behind them.]
Igner: Go, run fast. [He points at the large pipe labelled "Primary Chicken Valve." A marching is heard and the door opens. Walt, Larry and many Killbots enter the room.]
<poem>Walt: Did you see anyone?
Walt: Yes, you. You're the only one here.
Igner: If I'm the only one here, then how could I see anyone?
Larry: He's got a point, Walt.
Walt: So does my knee.
- [Walt knees Larry in the gut. Cut to the three navigating through the chicken shute.]
Fry: This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the chickens.
- [Scene: Bender is having an robotomy. Nurse Ratchet pulls a lever and Bender's arms and legs are restrained.]
Nurse Ratchet: Don't worry, those clamps are for my own protection.
Dr. Perceptron: Do you know where you are, Bender?
Bender: Sure do, I'm in the magical land of Cornwood, frolicking with wenches.
Dr. Perceptron: Close. You're in the loony bin for a robotomy. I will begin by drilling through the eye to access the frontal processor. [He begins drilling through Bender's eye.]
<poem>Nurse Ratchet: Can't you just use the access panel?
Dr. Perceptron: Either way is fine.
Bender: [He sniffs.] Does anyone else smell burning dragon beak?
- [Cut to Mom's office. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth are in the ventilation ducts above. Leela opens the grated panel and they gasp; a chicken peeking out behind them squawks.]
Mom: Wherever you are, Farnsworth, my boys will find you. [She pans over the security monitors on her desk. Her three sons approach her.]
<poem>Walt: They've eluded us, Mother. But rest assured, we've already slapped each other, so there's no need to... [She triple slams them.]
Mom: You'll thank me some day when you are slapping your own kids. [She walks over to the single non-local metaparticle crystal.] I know Farnsworth's game. He is going to try to poke his clammy old crystal at my hot fiery crystal.
Mom: If the crystals get within six inches of each other... [She slaps Larry.] Wham! All my dark matter will be worthless.
- [She sits back down in her chair and a slipper floats down and lands on her head. She examines it and spots the three of them shuffling along the top of a circular vent. She screams and then Farnsworth screams back.]
Mom: Get them!
- [Her sons try to climb the icey wall to reach them.]
Leela: Keep going, Professor. I'll take care of the ditz brothers. [She swings over to the top of the incline the brothers are trying to scale and slide down, boot first, at them. She kicks them and then slides across the icy floor. The collar is emitting a shock.] Ooh. That feels good.
Mom: Oh, for crying out... [She pulls a compact laser pistol from her boot and shoots at Farnsworth, blowing a hole in the chicken pipe through which one of the birds peeks out, but the shots quickly whither away to nothing.] Oh, the freaking battery's dead. Walt, where's the charger?
Walt: In the hardware drawer, Mother. [Leela punches him and she is shocked. Mom opens a drawer whilst grumbling under her breath and pulls out a large amount of wires.]
<poem>Mom: Damn tangled mess of wires.
Farnsworth: We're almost there. The crystals are beginning to engorge. [Cut to Nibbler. The glow from a ball of Dark Matter can be seen in his belly. All the balls being harvested from the other Nibblonians are also emitting a pulsing glow. Cut to a Dark Matter station. The individual nozzles are glowing. Cut to Bender, who is still being drilled into. His chest, which is filled with spheres of Dark Matter, is also glowing. Cut back to Mom's office. Leela and the brothers are trying to battle on ice, Mom is trying to untangle the charger and Fry is hanging onto Farnsworth as he leans closer to the single non-local metaparticle crystal.] I can't quite reach. Fry, grab onto my easy-fit waistband. Just a few more inches. Come on, really wedgie it on in there. [Fry pulls harder on the underpants and they rip, sending Farnsworth toward the ground. He, somehow, lands on his feet.] So, that's why they call me the Catman. [Fry lands behind him.]
<poem>Mom: Nobody move. I've found the charger. [She clicks the trigger twice and nothing happens.] Hang on. I'm on it. Okay, there!
Fry: Save us, Catman.
Mom: It's over, Hubert. Give me the anti-backwards crystal.
Farnsworth: Never! [He eats the crystal and begins to chuckle. The crystal glows in his stomach, along with the keys to the ship.]
<poem>Mom: Oh, bravo. You're in a crap-harvesting factory, genius. Walt! Larry! Start harvesting. [Walt picks up a large syringe labelled "Prunes" and Larry picks up a bucket.]
Farsnworth: No! [Mom laughs.]
[Cut back to the robotomy.]
<poem>Dr. Perceptron: I will now delicately jerk out your imagination, severing fantasy's grip on your nerd-circuit.
Bender: Cornwood! [Purple waves expanding from Bender's head fills the screen and Bender vanishes in a bright flash.]
<poem>Dr. Perceptron: Illogical. Illogical. Computational overload.
Nurse Rachet: But, Doctor, I love you. [Dr. Perceptron's head explodes.]
[Cut back to Mom. She is still laughing.]
<poem>Mom: Oh, what now?
- [The same purple waves move through the office and the floor begins to crack. Everybody falls into the hole with the ice and scream.]
- [Scene: A green pasture is shown upside down. The ground shakes and rocks blast out from underneath. The shot rotates 180 degrees and Fry climbs out of the hole.]
Frydo: This is crazy. Ow! What the... You okay, Leela?
Leegola: Yeah, I think so.
Frydo: Wait a second. Is there something different about your hooves? [He gasps.]
<poem>Leegola: Oh, Lord. I'm half-horse and half-naked.
Frydo: Where the hell are we, hell?
- [A horse is heard neighing and someone approaches them on it.]
Titanius Anglesmith: I know not of this Bender. I'm Titanius Anglesmith. Welcome to Cornwood!
- [Frydo and Leegola gasp.]
- [Scene: Titanius Anglesmith's Castle. A feast is taking place.]
Titanius Anglesmith: Wretched peasants, put aside your cares and feast on the succulent flesh of the roast munchkin!
- [Frydo and Leegola both show distaste toward the rotating, crispy munchkin.]
Peasent Cook: Care for a slice of scroto?
Frydo: Uh... that's his name, right?
Peasent Cook: 'Tis also that, sir.
Titanius Anglesmith: We're honored this eve by a visit from my friends of old, Frydo and Leegola. So let the dwarves do their gay dance and let the gnomes play their sissy piccolos. [They begin dancing and music is played.] Dance! Dance, you little freaks. Faster. [The music speeds up.] Faster! [The dancing and music speeds up more and a dwarf trips and falls toward Titanius Anglesmith.]
<poem>Dwarf: My ankle!
Titanius Anglesmith: To the kitchen with him!
Dwarf: Wait! Wait! Wait! I do impressions. Behold! The swamp hag: "Get out of my swamp, you kids!"
Titanius Anglesmith: Don't let him get too crispy.
Calculon: Lord Anglesmith.
Titanius Anglesmith: You have ridden hard, noble squire. May I offer you a horn of ale and a shank of dwarf?
Calculon: 'Tis dire news, sire. Dark riders approach.
Titanius Anglesmith: [He gasps.] You shall be handsomely rewarded, sir knight. We ride at once! [He pulls one of two ropes in front of a sign labelled "Drawbridge" and Calculon is squished by the drawbridge.] Oops! [He pulls the second rope and the drawbridge flips over to the other side.] Frydo! Saddle up that trusty steed.
- [Fry rides Leegola out of the castle and is holding a lance. Titanius Anglesmith is behind them.]
Frydo: What's happening? And why am I enjoying it so much?
Titanius Anglesmith: Foul beast-bags! Meet thy doom!
- [Titanius Anglesmith lodges his lance in the ground and is thrown off his horse, crashing off screen.]
Waltazar: Follow me.
- [Frydo rides toward the three sons, but is impaled by Waltazar's lance against a tree. Ignus runs into Waltazar and impales him and Frydo.]
Waltazar: Damn thee, Ignus.
Ignus: Well, you said to follow you.
Waltazar: Well, now I say follow this! [He hits Larius with the handle of his lance. Frydo falls to the ground and drops the Die of Power on the ground.]
<poem>Larius: The Die of Power! He's rolling it.
Waltazar: Oh, no!
Titanius Anglesmith: I'm back bab-... [He gasps and falls to his knees as he watches the die roll.]
Die of Power: Seven. [An appendix comes out of the die and the seventh attack is "Banish Foes."]
Titanius Anglesmith: "Banish foes"? Cool.
Waltazar: No! No!
- [The three sons disappear from their horses and reappear in a swamp.]
Larius: I got to say, I had no idea the Die of Power was so powerful.
Waltazar: Did you have any idea of... [He backhands Larius.]
Swamp Hag: Get out of my swamp, you kids!
- [Scene: Titanius Anglesmith, Leegola and the wounded Frydo are riding through a forest.]
Leegola: I can't believe I'm saying this, but that was really exciting. I've never felt so alive. [Frydo makes death noises.] What else can we slay? Is that a hobbit over there?
Titanius Anglesmith: No, that's a hobo and a rabbit. But they're making a hobbit.
Frydo: Thank God, an outhouse. I can't hold it in much longer. And by it, I mean my entrails.
Titanius Anglesmith: Hush! This be no outhouse, but the lair of the great wizard Grayfarn.
- [Titanius Anglesmith knocks on the door.]
Greyfarn: Who is it? [He opens the door.]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: 'Tis I, Titanius.
Greyfarn: Just a moment. [He closes the door.]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: [He shakes his head and makes a disgusted noise.] Methinks the wizard be casting a powerful spell, indeed.
- [A zipper is heard and the door opens, but the interior has changed from an outhouse to a room with a fireplace.]
Greyfarn: Come in! Come in! Yes. 'Tis a powerful object in both our worlds. If you failed to destroy it in yours, perhaps you were brought here that you might have a second chance.
Frydo: So, this land is real?
Greyfarn: Oh, dreadfully real. If you die here, you'll really be dead. But instead of science, we believe in crazy hocus-pocus. It's like Kansas.
Leegola: God help us.
Greyfarn: Cornwood's troubles began hundreds or perhaps millions of years ago. (VO:) Deep in the Geysers of Gygax, Momon herself injection-molded the Dice of Power from the living plastic.
Momon (in flashback): [She picks up the freshly molded dice and begins laughing.] Damn, these are hot.
Leegola: Ah ha! In our universe she's called Mom.
Greyfarn: In your universe, are you taught not to interrupt? Evidently not. Anyway, Momon spawned three rotten sons, whom you've already had the displeasure of meeting. Waltazar, Larius, and the dumbest of all, the halfwit Ignus, bastard son of Momon and the brainless He-demon. Curse you, Momon, queen of all that is evil and not very good in bed. And I'm not just saying that because she dumped me. [Fade to flashback. Momon is plucking her eyebrows with a scorpion while Greyfarn is playing a euchalali.] (VO:) Yes, I was once her consort. I was blinded by love, and later, scorpion venom. [Momon squirts venom in his eyes.] I'm blind! (Out of flashback:) But Momon has one weakness. She put too much of her power into this. The generalissimo of dice. [He places the black Die of Power on a table.]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Yeah? Well, bite my shiny metal face. [He slams his face against the die and the table.]
Greyfarn: Don't be foolish, Titanius. If you had paid attention in freshman alchemy, instead of frequenting the bawdyhouse, you'd know there's only one way to destroy it. In the boiling plastic from which it was molded.
Frydo: Like that machine that makes wax lions at the zoo.
Greyfarn: Quiet, you. We must infiltrate the Geysers of Gygax, the impenetrable stronghold of Momon.
Titanius Anglesmith: Impossible. Impossible, I say.
Greyfarn: No, Titanius. For we maintain one advantage, the element of surprise. [Pan over to the die, Momon is watching through it while laughing. The snakes in her hair then make hissing little laughs as well.]
[Scene: The crew is walking through a light forest.]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Verily, our quest has begun.
Hermaphrodite: Stop right there.
- [They gasp as he walks out from behind a bush with others. They too are centaurs.]
Leegola: He's a centaur like me.
Frydo: You wish.
Hermaphrodite: I am Hermaphrodite, most beautiful of centaurs. Gaze upon me and weep at my loveliness.
Greyfarn: Very well.
Titanius Anglesmith: Loveliest of centaurs, we seek to end Momon's reign of evil. Have you stout fighters at your command?
Hermaphrodite: One thousand archers of truest aim. [Pan over to many archers standing on a hill.] Fire!
Titanius Anglesmith: Hey guys, I forgot I had this pumpkin. [He holds up the pumpkin and the archers' arrows carve it into a sculpture of Titanius. One more arrow comes in on fire and lights the jack-o-lantern.]
<poem>Leegola: I knew it. My people are mighty warriors. Our enemies will be like Swiss cheese with blood coming out of the holes.
- [The centaurs object.]
Female Centaur: We centaurs are creatures of peace.
Leegola: Oh, Lord.
Hermaphrodite: Violence is never justified. We shall not join your quest. And furthermore, if mayhem be your intent, you may not cross our lands.
Leegola: Or what?
Hermaphrodite: [He is intimidated.] Or... Uh... Mmm? [Leegola snatches his bow and quiver of arrows and walks off with the other two] [Softly.] You may pass.
- [Scene: The crew is trying to find their way to Momon, but are having difficulties. They travel over a large wooden bridge. Cut to them looking over a map while standing on a cliff in the snow.]
Greyfarn: We're not there, we're here.
Titanius Anglesmith: No, this way.
Greyfarn: I mean, here.
- [They walk back over the bridge they first crossed. Cut to them standing on the shoulders of a tree that is walking over a large body of water. He then sets them down on land.]
Greyfarn: Thank you, kindly, Treedledum.
Treedledum: Okey-doke. Anything else I can do?
- [Cut to the crew around a fire that is burning Treedledum.]
Leegola: You know who I'm gonna miss? That tree guy.
- [It's now daytime and there are many camps positioned along the visible path to Momon.]
Greyfarn: Bad news, fancy men. Momon's guards stand watch at the pass. 'Tis as if she somehow anticipated us.
Titanius Anglesmith: And so our quest comes to an end. I only regret not giving up sooner.
Greyfarn: Fret not, Titanius. For we still have one hope, the Cave of Hopelessness.
Titanius Anglesmith: Let me know how that turns out.
- [Scene: The foursome are walking toward the entrance of the Cave of Hopelessness. There is a large ogre acting as a bouncer.]
Ogre: Halt. Are you on the list? I'm not seeing you on the list.
[Leegola readies an arrow]
Leegola: I'll split this doofus in half.
Titanius Anglesmith: Wait, I got it. Yeah. My cousin's in the band. The band of merry men. Please, we were already in there. I just need to go back for my coat.
- [The water behind them begins bubbling. An aquatic version of Amy rises from the water. Frydo gasps.]
Gynecaladriel: I am Gynecaladriel, queen of the water nymphos.
Leegola: All right. I'll split this doofus in half.
Gynecaladriel: Stand aside and I will use my powers to overwhelm the guard. [Time cut, the four of them are standing at the entrance. Gynecaladriel walks out from behind a bush where the ogre is asleep and ties up her top.] Behold, the deed is done.
Titanius Anglesmith: Hi oh!
- [Cut to them walking through the cave holding torches.]
Frydo: Mr. Wizard, why is this place called the Cave of Hopelessness?
Greyfarn: Oh, fear not, lad. 'Tis named for its discoverer, Reginald Hopelessness...
Greyfarn: ...the first man to be eaten alive by the Tunneling Horror.
- [They stop as shadows appear on the wall of the curve ahead of them.]
Frydo: What's that? The Tunneling Horror?
Gynecaladriel: No, it's morcs.
[The morcs emerge from the shadows; hideously deformed hunchbacks with annoyingly droning voices]
Morcs: Morc calling Orson. Morc Nanu, nanu. Shazbot.
Titanius Anglesmith: Oh, God, no. They're so aggravating.
- [The morcs speak really quickly while being slaughtered by the crew.]
Morcs: Oh, fantastic. [Titanius decapitates him] Nanu, nanu.[He is hit by an arrow fired by Leegola] Reality, what a concept. [Another one is brought down by an arrow] Fantastic. [Leegola cleaves one morc in two and takes his sword. Greyfarn points his staff at the head of a morc and blows it up. Zoom out to show the crew surrounded by morcs, several of whom are lasered in two by Greyfarn's magic. Frydo disarms a morc and stabs him. Leegola, now wielding two swords at once, cleaves her way through them easily. Gynecaladriel somehow ends up kissing a morc.] Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
Gynecaladriel: Shut up! Shut up!
[She starts throttling the morc in an attempt to silence it. Frydo and Titanius duel with another morc]
Morcs: Oh, fantastic. Oh, fantastic. Oh, wonderful.
Frydo: Maybe it'll go away if we just don't laugh at it.
Titanius Anglesmith: It doesn't.
- [Cut to the team backing out of the tunnel and into a large area of the cave. Leegola is killing the remaining morcs in the tunnel.]
Morcs: Nanu, nanu. [Leegola turns away from the tunnel, panting heavily from all the slaughter but pauses as one more morc speaks.] Oh, shazbot. [She stomps on the morc's head with her back hooves, crushing it.]
<poem>Frydo: Well, at least we didn't have to face the tunneling whatchimacallit. [The cave begins to shake.] Uh-oh.
- [Zoidberg's head pokes out from behind a wall.]
Zoidberg: Enough already with the banging and the swashbuckling.
- [He crawls over the wall to reveal he's a large, centepede-esque creature. Everybody screams as he stand in front of them.]
Leegola: Oh, I'm gonna enjoy killing you. [she shoots an arrow into his chest and he snaps it off.]
<poem>Zoidberg: Watch where you're shooting that thing. [She shoots him again.] Again? What, am I talking to myself over here?
Leegola: Mutilate! [She draws her sword and begins stabbing his belly.]
<poem>Zoidberg: Okay. Now, I'm getting a little mad even.
- [He makes noises as he snatches up the five of them with his claws. Leegola gets loose.]
Leegola: I'll kill you and eat your heart, you abomination. [She slices his chest open, pulls out his heart and tears a chunk out with her teeth.]
<poem>Zoidberg: [He laughs.] Don't make me laugh. The very idea that removing only one of my two hearts could... Hey, what are you doing down there? [Leegola pulls out his second heart and drops it.] Now, I'm dead. [He falls to the ground, but Leegola is still stabbing him.]
Frydo: Leela, it's over. You killed him enough.
Leegola: I'm not taking any chances with the Tunneling Horror.
Zoidberg: What? I'm not the Tunneling Horror. I hate that guy. Always with the tunneling. Anyway, I'm dead. [He lays back down.]
<poem>Leegola: So, you're just an innocent monster. Oh, God. What have I done?
- [The cave starts rumbling.]
Zoidberg: Oh! There he goes again.
- [A large, killer worm creature comes out of the ground and roars at Leegola and Frydo, who are standing on Zoidberg. Everybody screams.]
Titanius Anglesmith: The Tunneling Horror! [He turns to the side and vomits nuts and bolts.]
<poem>Frydo: Greyfarn, what do we do?
Greyfarn: [He is making out with Gynecaladriel.] Do about what?
- [The Tunneling Horror lunges at Frydo and Leegola, but misses and grabs Titanius Anglesmith with its tail pincers.]
Frydo: Why aren't you killing it, Leela? You love killing.
Leegola: No, no more killing.
Zoidberg: Oh! So, suddenly, Miss Goody Four-shoes over here doesn't kill anymore. She killed me not five minutes ago. What am I? Chopped liver?
Leegola: Shut up. [She slashes into his chest.]
<poem>Zoidberg: Ow! Stop chopping my liver.
Leegola: You're on your own. (Sobbing:) I refuse to hurt another living thing. [She throws her sword behind her and it decapitates Zoidberg. She then gallops out of the cave. Frydo turns to look at Titanius Anglesmith getting thrashed around against the walls.]
<poem>Frydo: All right. I may be weak and I may be small, but I don't see how I can possibly destroy that monster. Guess I'll just huck whatever's in my pockets at him. At least I can say I tried.
Titanius Anglesmith: Any time now!
[The creature slams him hard into the wall]
- [Frydo throws a box of Tic-Tacs, a peanut and then the Die of Power.]
Frydo: The Die of Power. I forgot to remember to roll it.
- [Everybody turns to the die and gasps. Gynecaladriel and Greyfarn stop kissing and Gynecaladriel places Greyfarn's dentures back in his mouth. The die lands on three: grow.]
Die of Power: Three.
Frydo: "Grow?" I don't see anything growing. Everything is getting smaller. [Frydo rips through his clothes and shoes as he grows in size then hits his head on the ceiling of the cave.] Ow. Wait a second. I'm big! In your face, everyone from middle school especially Jeremy. [He grabs the Tunneling Horror and begins punching it in the back, eventually punching a hole right through it. When he pulls his fist out air escapes from the creature and it shrinks down to the size of a normal bug and scampers to a hold in the wall. Frydo then shrinks back to normal size while laughing, his pitch matches his size.] Wow, that was intense. You guys got to try the Die of Power.
Titanius Anglesmith: I'll take a hit.
Frydo: Hands off the dodecalicious. [He snarls at Titanius Anglesmith and protects the die.]
<poem>Greyfarn: Beware, Frydo. Don't be seduced. Hang on a second. [He kisses Gynecaladriel.] Resist the allure of the die. For to defeat Momon, we must melt it in the super bombastic, bubbling plastic from whence it came.
- [Momon is watching from the die:]
Greyfarn: For to defeat Momon, we must melt it in the super bombastic, bubbling plastic from whence it came.
- [Momon is speaking to her sons.]
Momon: I send you to kill them and they're not even maimed? That's what I get for sending boys to do a mom's job.
Larius: Sorry, Mom.
Momon: Sorry doesn't put heads on my table. Peaches. [An ogre comes out of a tunnel.] You're up.
- [Peaches grabs a flail that has a hand instead of a spiked ball. He whirls is around in front of the sons.]
Ignus: I like this part but I don't like...
- [They are slapped three times by the hand.]
- [Scene: Hermaphrodite and another centaur are walking in a circle in the middle of a stadium.]
Centaur Opponent: You are an able opponent, Hermaphrodite. But hear me well when I posit that we must abhor violence in all its forms.
- [The crowd cheers.]
Hermaphrodite: I offer a dissenting opinion.
ALL: [A gasp-like "huh?"]
<poem>Hermaphrodite: For abhorring violence is itself an act of violence and, therefore, to be abhorred. [The crowd cheers.] All bow before mighty Hermaphrodite. [Leegola walks up to him and he is scared.] Ah! Don't hurt me.
Leegola: I'm not here to hurt you. Or anything ever again. Please, teach me the centaurs' ways of wimpiness.
Hermaphrodite: What do you offer in return?
- [Leegola holds up a carrot, which Hermaphrodite eats. Cut to the two galloping along a path, a rainbow is in the background. They run past creatures which resemble Teletubbies. Cut to the two shooting flaming arrows toward each other. The arrows collide and form a firework in the shape of a peace sign. Cut to the two and another centaur playing tic-tac-toe with beanbags. Hermaphrodite misses winning the game, Leegola walks up with a beanbag in her mouth and drops it on the winning tile. They all laugh.]
- [Scene: Titanius Anglesmith, Frydo, Greyfarn and Gynecaladriel exit the Cave of Hopelessness.]
Titanius Anglesmith: Yes! We made it out of that godforsaken cave. Now, what's the fastest way home? Back through the cave? [Greyfarn hits him in the head with his staff.] Ow! [His eye shield falls from its mounted position.] Ow!
- [Exterior shot of the Geysers of Gygax.]
Greyfarn: We're close now, my friends. So close, I can practically feel the heat of the fiery molten plastic.
Gynecaladriel: You're standing in the fire.
Greyfarn: Oh, my. [He yelps and walks out of the fire.] Alas, our path is blocked by Momon's army of evil. As well as her navy of moral dubiousness.
Titanius Anglesmith: Wait a second. Mayhaps we might raise an army of our own. We're but an hour's ride from Wipe Castle.
Greyfarn: Of course. Wipe Castle. And while we're there, we can get some of those greasy little dwarf burgers.
Gynecaladriel: Ooh! I love those. You can eat like eight of them without gaining any weight because of all the diarrhea.
Greyfarn: Sleep deep, fair snoozles. At dawn, we ride for Wipe Castle. [Frydo howls in front of the moon.] Quiet, Frydo. [He howls again, but softer.]
[Momon is watching from the die.]
<poem>Momon: We've got them now. Send all our forces against Wipe Castle.
Waltazar: Right away, Mother. I'll just leave a small contingent behind in case...
Momon: I said, everything. Peaches!
Peaches (offscreen): I'm in the tub.
Momon: Waltazar, you and Larius shall lead the assault.
Waltazar: What about Ignus?
Momon: I'm afraid he can't be trusted on this mission. You see, there is a terrible secret about Ignus I've never told anyone. And here it is.
- [Her words cannot be heard as we see Ignus listening from the doorway while sweeping. The two sons in the room are shocked at what Momon says and Ignus gasps.]
Momon: It's a good day to be evil. [She begins laughing, followed by Waltazar and Larius. Peaches joins in too.] Oh, put a towel on, for crap's sake. [She slaps him.]
[Scene: Frydo ventures away from the camp to some rocks by the water.]
<poem>Frydo: They all wants it. They wants the dodecalicious.
- [Frydo's reflection in the water begins speaking to him.]
Reflection Host: Tell you what, you want to defend a magic artifact, and I mean, defend it good, then what you need is a top-quality knife.
Frydo: Me is listening.
- [The reflection has a Infomercial graphic on it.]
Reflection Host: The Eviscerator is one of the finest, if not the finest, tactical folder on the market today. We're talking 440 stainless, quick release and... I don't believe this. Is this a stag horn handle at this price?
Reflection Host 2: It is, yeah. It's a stag horn.
Reflection Host: At this price? You have got to be kidding me. That's got to be some kind of mistake, right there.
Reflection Host 2: Now, you folks at home, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, that can't be stag horn. It's got to be the cheaper manticore horn. But, I've got the specs right here and I'll tell you what, this is the real deal.
Reflection Host: Unbelievable.
Reflection Host 2: It is unbelievable. That's exactly what it is. I mean, this is... I have no words to describe this deal. Honestly, have you ever seen stag horn at this price?
- [Cut to Frydo, he shakes his head.]
Reflection Host: No, no, I don't believe I ever have.
Reflection Host 2: 1101-1816 is the item number on this one.
Reflection Host: You know what, we're gonna have to put a clock on this deal, folks. Two minutes. Can I get a clock at two minutes up there?
Reflection Host 2: Two minutes at most. Honestly, I'd be surprised if they last that long.
Reflection Host: Oh, I'd be very surprised, shocked really. Now, I know the lines are busy, people, but keep dialing in if you want a truly exceptional knife to slice up your friends in their sleep.
- [Cut to Frydo walking with the knife in his hand. He's flicking it open and closed repeatedly. He walks over to Titanius Anglesmith's sleeping bag and begins stabbing it. Titanius Anglesmith is in Gynecaladriel's sleeping bag, however. They both wake up and gasp.]
Titanius Anglesmith: He tried to murder me. He tried... Woah, cool. Is that the stag horn?
- [Frydo hisses at Titanius and throws the knife at him. The handle and blade break away from each other and Frydo runs away from the camp.]
- [Scene: Titanius Anglesmith, Greyfarn and Gynecaladriel are venturing toward Wipe Castle.]
Greyfarn: Alas, Frydo's weakness was no match for the die's strength. We can only hope he forges on alone to the Geysers.
Titanius Anglesmith: I can hope my ass is made of ice-cream but that don't make me a hot fudge sundae.
Greyfarn: As for us, we must press on to Wipe Castle, though the journey be long and I fear I may not live to see it.
Gynecaladriel: There it is!
- [Exterior shot of Wipe Castle. The draw bridge lowers.]
- [Scene: Frydo is wandering through a swamp. A twig snaps behind him.]
Frydo: They's following us's.
Zoidberg Head: You know, you talk like that, it's gonna cost you points at a job interview.
Frydo: What does it wants?
Zoidberg Head: First of all, I resent being called "it." I prefer jerkhole or simply [Disgusted noise.] Second, I thought I could help you destroy the die, maybe.
Frydo: (In his normal voice:) Yes, yes, please help me. The die is tearing me apart. (In his raspy voice:) No, it's not. We're having a nice time. (In his normal voice:) Shut up. (In his raspy voice:) You shut up. (In his normal voice:) S'all right? (In his raspy voice:) Who's a s'all right? (In his normal voice:) Help me!
Swamp Hag: Get out of my swamp, you kids!
- [Cut back to Wipe Castle. URL and Smitty are gate guards with trumpets. They play a fanfare, then URL breaks off into a jazz riff. The three of them clap.]
URL: Now, before your audience with the king, there's a shocking fact you best know about him.
Titanius Anglesmith: Enough blabbety-blab! Open the doors.
Roberto: What, ho?
Titanius Anglesmith: We bring ill tidings, o fanciest of men. Momon's reach nears the die of power. And should she obtain it, she will then have the entire basic set. Rivers will run red with blood and yellow with urine. And a dog will be seen eating cat food in the land. Oh, great king, your army is the last hope of Cornwood. Let us join forces before the light of good is extinguished forever.
Roberto: You calling me crazy? Just 'cause I've got a hotel in my foot don't make me a boogalee-moogalee-moogalee.
Titanius Anglesmith: Pardon?
Roberto: Stop laughing at me, flying avocado!
- [He yells while swinging his sword at the invisible fruit. Cut to Titanius closing the doors.]
Titanius Anglesmith: Uh... moving along then. As the only nobleman present who's not... [He crosses his eyes and makes crazy noises.] ...I hereby place myself in command of the royal army.
URL: What royal army would that be?
Smitty: King went insane and declared war on the scallops. Tied his army to a boulder and pushed them into the sea. They never returned.
URL: Scallops must've got them. [Smitty nods.]
<poem>Greyfarn: Oh, well. There'll be no epic battle today.
- [A horn sounds offscreen and they all gasp. They walk to the edge of the castle and look down. There is a massive army of ogres.]
Titanius Anglesmith: Methinks we be boned.
Larius: Where's their army?
Waltazar: Maybe they didn't hear the horn. Blow it again. [He blows his horn.]
<poem>URL: Man, I'll show that cat how to blow. [He starts up with his jazz number again, but is blows away by the air escaping a horn placed in front of him. Cut to the ogres rushing the castle. The pull the drawbridge down and cross it with a ram to knock the doors open.]
Waltazar: All right. On three. One...
Titanius Anglesmith: Two, three! [Waltazar is punched through the door by the ram.]
<poem>Greyfarn: Oil in the murder hole.
- [Titanius hurls hot oil through the grate at the enemies.]
Larius: [He stops and looks up at the murder hole.] What are they pouring through the murder hole? Hot oil? Yeah, I think it might be hot oil. [The steamy oil lands on him.]I knew it. I was right, Walt. It's hot oil.
- [Exterior shot of Wipe Castle. The ogres are climbing up ladders to get into the castle. One ogre reaches a window where Gynecaladriel is removing her clothes and begins drooling. His saliva burns through the wooden ladder and it splits in two. Cut to an ogre breaking trough the wall. Titanius is waiting on the other side with a mace and knocks him unconscious. Peaches then breaks through the wall behind Titanius and uses his glove flail to slap him.]
Titanius Anglesmith: Ow.
Roberto: [Running around through the ogres. He stops one of them.] What the... You're not made of Tuesday. [The ogre strikes Roberto over the head with his club.] My sanity. It's back. At last, I can live the life I always... [The ogre strikes him again.] AHH! Boogalee-moogalee-moogalee!
- [Cut to: Giant kangaroos hopping toward the castle with more ogres in their pouches. The ogres are throwing spears at the castle while travelling. Cut to Greyfarn and Gynecaladriel fending off the spears, then a piano, then a small kangaroo. A unicorn has been thrown and gets lodged in the castle wall. Greyfarn taps his staff on the ground twice and it morphs into a large boomerang. He throws it off screen to the left, but it comes back in on the right and hits him in the back of the head. He picks up the boomerang and holds it close to the edge of the frame so half of it is in front of him and half appears behind him. He then moves it too far forward and hits himself in the back of the head with it. The giant kangaroos are now at the castle walls and are jumping into them feet first.]
- [Cut to: A centaur watching this. He draws and arrow and launches it to a far away camp. An arrow is then launched from that camp to another, then to another, then to another.]
Man: Ow! [Another arrow is then shot.]
- [Scene: Many centaurs, including Leegola and Hermaphrodite, are dancing to folk music in a room. Scruff is sweeping up their droppings behind them while mumbling and plugging his nose. Suddenly, an arrow flashes across the screen and lodges in the wall. The music abruptly stops and everybody gasps. Pan over the wall where the arrows land reveals the arrow struck a target labelled "War," which has never been used.]
Leegola: What does it mean?
Female Centaur: 'Tis as we feared. Evil will soon triumph over good.
Hermaphrodite: Your friends face certain death. Followed by a disrespectful marionette show performed with their corpses.
Leegola: No! We've got to do something.
Hermaphrodite: Believe me, we will. We've taken out a sternly worded ad in tomorrow's Cornwood Times. [He holds up a news paper with the headline "There must be a better way" printed on it above a picture of an ogre being beheaded. Leegola kicks through the paper and everybody gasps.]
<poem>Leegola: What a load of man-horse manure.
Hermaphrodite: Well, Leegola, if you have a better idea, perhaps you'd like to challenge me to debate.
- [An arrow flies across the room and lands on "Tedious Debate" which is frequently used.]
- [Scene: Frydo and Zoidberg Head are venturing into the Geysers of Gygax.]
Frydo: I'm too exhausted. I can't go on.
Zoidberg Head: I'm here for you, my friend. I'll drag you onward. Even to my last ounce of strength. Grab onto my testicles.
Frydo: You know, I think maybe I can walk after all.
'Momon: (From the die:) That's not Wipe Castle. [She gasps.] The dodeca-call is coming from inside the house.
- [Frydo grunts as he works his way to the top of a ledge over the lava. Momon hears him and screams as she spots him across the cave.]
Zoidberg Head: What are you waiting for, Frydo? Throw it already in the boiling plastic.
Frydo: I would. But... (In raspy voice:) Me's enjoys owning it.
Zoidberg Head: Stop talking like that. It gives me anxiety. [He launches himself at Frydo and bites his tushie.]
- [Momon gasps as the die flies out of Frydo's hand. Before it hits the ground she morphs into a dragon. The die hit Ignus on the head and lands on 12 - "Mirror Mania".]
Die of Power: Twelve.
- [Frydo also morphs into a dragon.]
Frydo: So, it's all come down to this. A dungeon and dragons.
Zoidberg Head: I didn't see it coming.
- [Momon takes flight and breathes fire at Frydo's feet. Frydo evades the fire and breathes back at Momon, but she dodges it.]
- [Cut back to Wipe Castle. The trio+ are still battling the hordes of attacking ogres.]
Ogres: Eat the wizard, eat the slut. Eat the robot's shiny butt
Gynecaladriel: Well, at least we'll be remembered in song.
Titanius Anglesmith: Wait a second. I have an idea. I surrender. Here, eat my friends. Just give me one more second of sweet, sweet life. [As the ogres stop, thousands of arrows strike them and all the ogres fall. Titanius is still holding up his two companions. He clears his throat.] Well, that worked out pretty good, eh, fellows?
- [Cut to Leegola commanding the centaurs from a distance.]
Leegola: Prepare to fire again, brave cowards.
[Hermaphrodite walks up, heavily battered, bandaged and beaten]
Hermaphrodite: I still say, I won the debate. [Leegola strikes him in the stomach with a piece of wood.]
- [The arrows take down all but one ogre.]
Remaining Ogre: Whew!
- [Leegola dashing on screen and punches him, knocking him out. Gynecaladriel runs through the castle doors.]
Gynecaladriel: Leegola, you saved us. How can I ever repay you? [She kisses Leegola, but it quickly turns into passionate kisses. A large eruption of the geysers breaks the kiss and they all gasp.]
<poem>Greyfarn: Frydo is fighting for his life. The fate of Cornwood is in our hands. Quickly, to the Geysers.
Titanius Anglesmith: [While watching Leegola and Gynecaladriel kiss.] Can it wait a couple of minutes?
Greyfarn: Yes. Yes, it can.
- [Cut back to Momon and Frydo. Frydo kicks Momon offscreen and he begins walking over to the die, but Momon tackles him. They both get up and start fighting with their hands and tails. Momon whips Frydo against a pillar and she starts walking toward the die, but Frydo grabs her tail and swings her sideways along the ground.]
Frydo: You are no match for my dragon style. [Momon breathes fire and Frydo ducks, but the fire burns his wings off.] I guess you are a match for my dragon style.
Momon: Tell me, Frydo, are you aware that a dragon's one weakness is its soft underbelly?
Frydo: No. Why do you... [She leaps and bites his belly. Frydo screams in pain.]
<poem>Leegola: Get my friend out of your mouth.
Titanius Anglesmith: It is all over, Momon. We'll soon be down there defeating you. And it's all thanks to the existence of this fragile staircase. [He laughs victoriously, then Momon stomps on the ground, causing the staircases on either side of them to disintegrate.] Whoa!
- [Ignus rises up on a spider behind the pillar.]
Ignus: Quick. Get on the magic bug.
Greyfarn: It's not a magic bug, you dope. It's a magic arachnid. Can't you count the legs?
Greyfarn: Six, seven, eight. Not six, eight. I'll kill you, you imbecile.
- [Greyfarn's staff starts glowing like a lightsabre and Ignus pulls out a lightsabre looking device. Ignus hops off the magic spider and the two begin battling on the pillar.]
- [Cut back to Momon and Frydo. Momon begins walking toward the die with Frydo still on the ground, but he sees this and stabs Momon in her belly with the tip of his tail.]
Momon: My underbelly. My one weakness.
- [The two dragons fall beside each other and groan while morphing back into their human forms.]
Zoidberg Head: [He picks up the die.] I got it. Now I can throw it in the hot thing over there and be the hero. On the other hand, infinite power might be nice.
- [Cut to the battle between Greyfarn and Ignus.]
Ignus: Please, I'm trying to help you.
Greyfarn: Then why are you hitting me with a stick? How stupid are you that you think that's helping?
Ignus: Mommy never told you about my father.
Greyfarn: She said he was a foul He-demon.
Ignus: Exactly. [He clicks off his lightsabre device.] You are my father.
Greyfarn: No. No, that's impossible.
Ignus: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Greyfarn: No! [He hits his head with his staff.] No! [He hits his head with the staff again.]
<poem>Ignus: Ya-huh! I heard Mommy say so.
- [Greyfarn gasps as he hits his head one more time and falls off the large pillar.]
Zoidberg Head: [While jumping and spinning between Frydo and Momon.] I have all the dice. I am the dungeon master. I know all and see... [He is squished by the falling Greyfarn. The die rolls away from him and Momon quickly snatches it up.]
<poem>Momon: Game over. [She begins laughing and a purple blast expands from the Geysers of Gygax blowing the rocks around it apart. During her laugh, Momon starts coughing, but then continues laughing. The floor and pillars begin collapsing into the ground.]
Frydo: No! No!
- [Everybody is screaming as they come flying out of the ground back into Mom's office.]
Mom: What happened?
- [Everybody is confused.]
Leela: My God, we're out of that weird, crazy world and back in our regular crazy world.
Fry: Did we all just have some kind of freaky dream or was it ghosts?
Farnsworth: Neither, Fry. It was science. Bender's mighty imagination amplified by a dark matter resonance created an alternate reality that very nearly blew our minds.
Hermes: Exactly. You can't make that kind of stuff up.
Mom: Quit trying to explain everything. I defeated you in that world and I'll defeat you in this one. Boys, the crystal’s still in his stomach.
Walt: Commencing intestinal flash flood.
Farnsworth: Wait! Before my moment of shame, can I...
Mom: Yes, speak up.
- [Farnsworth and Igner look at each other, teary eyed.]
Farnsworth: Can I give my boy a hug?
Mom: All right. Fine. I've never done it. I guess somebody should.
Inger: Daddy. [They hug.]
<poem>Farnsworth: Like father, like son, eh, boy?
- [Pan down to reveal that the two crystals are near each other in their stomachs.]
Igner: We both eated the crysals. [They giggle together.]
<poem>Mom: No. No!
- [The two crystals pulse repeatedly then explode. Farnsworth and Igner belch together. Mom picks up a ball of Dark Matter and it desitegrates in her hand.]
Mom: My dark matter. It's worthless.
Farnsworth: That's right, Mom. But fear not, fancy folk for I've just thunk up an alternative energy source. Nibbler-power.
Nibbler: Hurray. Wait. What?
- [Cut to a chicken swinging back and forth, clucking. Pull back to show several Nibblonians pulling the Planet Express ship while trying to reach the chicken that is hanging in front of them.]
Farnsworth: Mush! Mush! [He whips the Nibblonians.]
<poem>Bender: Whip harder, Professor.
- [They cheer.]
Farnsworth: Faster, [Whip] faster. [Whip] Slower. [Whip]
[Fade to black]
<poem>Garry Gygax: Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons for the next quadrillion years?
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