Transcript:Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?

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Transcript for
Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?
Written byEric Kaplan
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: From the network that brought you "The Simpsons".]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. An advertisement plays on TV. A plumber-bot reaches down a toilet with his arm and a jingle plays.]

Singer: [voice-over; singing; on TV] Call Robo-Rooter when you flush your towel.

Plumber-bot: [singing; on TV] And we can also help with an impacted bowel.

[He whirrs his hand around.]

Singer: [voice-over; singing; on TV] Robo-Rooter!

[Fry and Bender sit on the couch. Bender drinks beer while Fry eats something.]

Fry: Mmm. Mmm! Now this is what I call a thousand years of progress: A Bavarian cream dog that's also self-microwaving!

[He presses a button on the side of the cream dog and it microwaves itself, as well as Fry's face, which is left with black scorch marks. He takes another bite. Bender tips his empty bottle upside-down.]

Bender: Aw, jeez. Let's just pray I have the energy to get myself another beer. [On the remote he presses a "beer" button. A hatch on the top of the TV opens up and an extending arm carrying a beer bottle extends across the room. It flicks the bottle-cap off and Bender opens his mouth. The arm tips the bottle up and the beer splashes on Bender's chest.] Oh, what is this, the Middle Ages?

[He just about manages to move under the stream of beer. Enter Amy and Leela in gym gear.]

Leela: Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap.

[Fry licks some cream off his finger.]

Fry: Sack?

Amy: And, Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that doesn't even make sense.

Leela: Come on. We're taking you pigs to the gym.

[Enter Zoidberg wearing a vest and sweatbands around his head and wrists.]

Zoidberg: The gymnasium? Excellent, excellent. For some reason I'm frisky as a squid on Tuesday.

[He clacks his claws.]
[Scene: Outside NNY Dumbbell Club. Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy and Zoidberg walk into the gym. A sign in a gym window advertises "New - Windowless Rooms For Ugly Exercisers".]
[Cut to: NNY Dumbbell Club. They pass gym patrons, including a six-legged alien on a running machine, a woman using a Kegelcizer and a punch bag with arms and gloves that repeatedly punches Larry in the stomach.]

Amy: Hey, who's up for a nice, hot steam?

[Zoidberg shakes his head.]

Zoidberg: We crustaceans don't like steam. I'm going to go work out with the Nautilus!

[A nautilus appears behind him with a basketball.]

Nautilus: What up, Dr. Z?

Zoidberg: Yo, yo, yo! Whassup, whassup! Give up the rock!

[The Nautilus passes the ball and Zoidberg runs off chuckling.]
[Scene: NNY Dumbbell Club Steam Room. Leela, Amy and Fry relax in the steam.]

Fry: Co-ed steam rooms! I love the future!

Leela: Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room.

Fry: Ah, futuristic!

Amy: Psst, look what life was like before genetic engineering.

Leela: Those poor 20th century women.

[Fry crosses his legs, embarrassed.]
[Scene: Outside Steam Room. Amy walks out of the steam room with a towel wrapped around her and sees a man in a steam machine.]

Amy: [sexfully] Hey, handsome. Is there room in there for two?

[The man snorts.]

Man: You wish!

[The machine opens, revealing that the man has a large gut that has been forced into the shape of the machine. He gets out of the machine and his gut falls back into its natural shape. Amy shudders.]
[Scene: NNY Dumbbell Club Weight Room. Fry lifts weights. Enter Leela.]

Fry: Hey, Leela, look who's the super-stud!

Leela: Hmm, somebody must have turned down the gravity. I'll fix it for you.

[She turns the Gravistat from "Lo" to "Norm". Fry drops the weights on his neck and starts to choke. Enter Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: Give me that. [He lifts the weights off Fry, knocks him off the bench and takes his place. Enter Amy and Bender.] More weight!

[Leela and Bender put some more weights on the end. A fin comes out of the top of Zoidberg's head like The Creature From The Black Lagoon.]

Fry: Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, what's that jazz on your head?

Zoidberg: Enough with the questions. More weight! [The four add more weights.] More! [Amy and Fry leap onto the weights.] More!

[He growls and his pupils dilate and contract.]

Leela: Maybe you could do more reps with less weight.

[Zoidberg growls and cuts the dumbbell. Amy and Fry scream and fall to the ground.]

Bender: Hey, looks like Zoidberg's finally coming out of his shell. [He chuckles.] Get it? [He chuckles again.] He's coming out--

[Zoidberg gets up and knocks Bender over then runs rampage around the room, knocking over equipment and people.]
[Cut to: NNY Dumbbell Club Bike Room. People calmly pedal on the exercise bikes. Zoidberg runs in, growling and they pedal faster but don't go anywhere.]
[Cut to: NNY Dumbbell Club Pregnercise Pool. Randy leads a session in the pool full of pregnant women.]

Randy: Nice and gentle, we don't want any unnecessary stress. [Zoidberg appears in the middle of the pool. The women scream and he scuttles out of the water. A woman spontaneously gives birth and her baby cries.] Is there a doctor in the gym?

Zoidberg: I'm a doctor!

[Randy trembles and four more women give birth.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg sits on the lab table with his claws bound. The rest of the staff stand around him.]

Leela: I wonder why Dr. Zoidberg is acting this way. Out of all of us he always seemed the most normal.

Zoidberg: I am normal. [sexfully] Amy, take off these rubber bands and I'll show you how normal I am!

[Amy's clothes have been ripped to shreds and her hair is a mess.]

Amy: Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.

Fry: Maybe he has a parasite.

Hermes: Maybe he is a parasite!

Bender: It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have to have a big clam-bake and cook him! Yee-haw!

[He puts his chef hat on. Farnsworth walks past with a syringe.]

Farnsworth: Now, now, this won't do. Let me just give old Zoidy a sedative.

[He tries to poke the syringe needle into Zoidberg but it just breaks on his shell.]

Zoidberg: Ah, much better. You can take off these rubber bands now.

Amy: I'll do it.

Leela: [simultaneous] Stop!

Fry: [simultaneous] No, Amy!

Bender: Moron!

[Farnsworth puts a stethoscope on Zoidberg's head.]

Farnsworth: Mm-hm... [He puts it on his shoulder.] Oh-ho! [He puts it on his chest.] Aha! There's the problem.

Zoidberg: Give it to me straight, Professor. Is it fin rot? It's fin rot, isn't it? Tell me it's not fin rot!

Farnsworth: Relax, my chiton-y chum. There's no problem. You're just heavy with male jelly.

Leela: Bleck!

Farnsworth: It must be mating season for Zoidberg's people; a chaotic time when his behaviour is dictated by the tiny brain in his rump.

Fry: Eck!

Farnsworth: There's only one thing we can do--

Bender: I'll get the water boiling!

[He starts to leave, now wearing an apron with a lobster on it as well as his hat.]

Farnsworth: We, by which I mean you, will have to rush him to his ancient homeworld which will shortly erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.

Fry: Oh, baby, I'm there!

Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?

Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in. [shouting] Uh, no need to pack pants, people. Let's roll!

Amy: Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these while he's gone.

[She holds up the rubber bands. The staff stare at her, gobsmacked. Bender slaps his head in disbelief.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg growls and the others scream.]

Bender: [from inside] Moron!

[Scene: The ship flies down to the sandy world of Decapod 10. Most of the surface of the planet is water, with a few sandy island dotted here and there. The buildings are made of sand.]
[Cut to: Decapod 10 Planetary Spaceport. The landing gear extends and it skids along the sandy runway until it comes to a stop in a parking space. Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg walk out and are greeted by a Decapod man standing underneath a banner that says "Welcome Maters!" The man puts a garland over Zoidberg, whose fin has disappeared.]

Decapodian Man #1: Welcome home, old friend. Just 19 hours until the mating frenzy!

[He points to a giant water clock that slowly fills with water.]

Zoidberg: Excellent, excellent!

Decapodian Man #1: See you there, Doctor--

[He says something in the Decapodian language.]

Fry: Is that how you say "Zoidberg"?

[The man runs off crying.]

Zoidberg: You didn't have to call attention to his speech impediment.

[Scene: Zoidberg's Car. Fry and Zoidberg sit in the front and Bender and Leela in the back.]

Bender: You're looking less nuts, crabby.

Zoidberg: I'm feeling less nuts, thank you, because tomorrow I will be depositing my jelly in the cloacal vents of a female. [sexfully] If you catch my drift.

Fry: [nudging Zoidberg] Who's the lucky lobsterina?

Zoidberg: I don't know yet. But I shall attract one this afternoon with an erotic display.

Leela: It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.

Zoidberg: Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material.

Fry: You and me both, brother!

Zoidberg: Ah, my old scuttling grounds! Let's pull over.

[He pulls over. Rather than a normal hover car, he is driving a car with 10 legs along the sides.]
[Scene: Decapod 10 Surface. They look into a rock pool.]

Zoidberg: I used to hang out here as a larva. It looked so much bigger back then. [A tiny crustacean crawls out of the rock pool. Zoidberg picks it up.] Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?

[He eats it.]
[Scene: Claw-Plach Arena. Zoidberg, Fry, Bender and Leela look into an arena where spectators watch two Decapodians fighting.]

Bender: Look! Outdoor theatre! Let's get tickets. Oh, let's do!

Zoidberg: No, it's the ceremony of Claw-Plach, where my species fight to the death over matters of honour. Also whether abbreviations count in Scrabble. [angry] They don't!

Fry: I didn't come here to see any activity involving two guys. Where do you people do your erotic display?

Zoidberg: Same place as your species: The beach.

[Scene: Decapod 10 Beach. Fry, Leela and Bender lie on sunbeds. Zoidberg comes out of a male changing room wearing a grass skirt and a shell necklace.]

Zoidberg: How do I look?

Bender: Like whale barf.

Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete.

[He walks off, clacking his claws.]

Fry: Hey, I wonder if these guys are here to watch the erotic display too.

[He points at a group of Decapodians with cameras and binoculars.]

Decapodian Man #2: Aw, yeah! Aw, wow!

[Zoidberg puts a shell on a mound of sand.]

Zoidberg: Perfect! This oughta make me stand out. [He jumps onto the mound and his fin pops up again. Some women walk past.] Craw!

[Other men "craw" on the beach and women take interest. Fry chuckles.]

Fry: Look how ridiculous they look.

Bender: Please, he's no different from the rest of you organisms; shooting DNA at each other make babies. I find it offensive.

[Another woman passes Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: Craw!

Decapodian Woman #1: Keep your jelly away from my eggs!

[She walks off and another woman who sounds like Amy replaces her.]

Zoidberg: Craw?

Decapodian Woman #2: So not interested.

[She walks off and a third woman approaches Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: Craw!

Decapodian Woman #3: Humph. I've heard that line before!

[Zoidberg sighs.]
[Time Lapse. The sun is setting and the other Decapodian men hold their mates in their arms along the beach. Zoidberg doesn't.]

Zoidberg: Cra-- Oh, what's the point?

[His fin goes back into his head and he sits down on the mound. Fry, Leela and Bender watch.]

Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?

Bender: 'Cause he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.

Fry: Hey! I can get any girl I want anytime I want. I'm just too busy.

[He plays with a yo-yo and the string gets tangled. He snarls and starts to untie it. Zoidberg sees another woman and his fin goes up again.]

Zoidberg: Edna? Edna, it's me, Zoidberg. Remember, from high school? [Edna makes a questioning purr.] You used to laugh at me because my face was covered with barnacles!

[Edna gasps.]

Edna: Zoidberg? Well I didn't know you were back in town. I heard you went off and became a rich doctor.

Zoidberg: I've performed a few mercy killings. So, as long as I'm in town I was wondering if maybe ... craw?

Edna: Oh, gee, yeah, I'm just going through a lot of things right now and-- Look, Zoidberg, I carry more eggs than any other female and I owe it to our race to pick a mate who's stuffed with male jelly. Maybe a rock star.

Zoidberg: Or maybe a doctor?

Edna: I'm sorry, Zoidberg. You're just an inferior male specimen. Nice seeing you again.

[She leaves. Zoidberg's fin goes down and he sits down and sobs.]
[Scene: Ships Mess. Later that night, Zoidberg sits at the table and the others stand around.]

Zoidberg: [crying] No one will ever want to mate with me, not with a puny claw like this. Did you see those other guys? They looked like giant claws with bodies attached.

Leela: At least you didn't smell as bad as them.

Zoidberg: [crying] You're right, my stink gland is weak. Smell!

[He forces her face into his armpit and she struggles and gags.]

Fry: Listen, Doc, if you wanna score you gotta fake like you're in love. [He takes Leela's hand.] Just look her in the eye, start crying and say [fake crying] "I've never been so happy."

[Leela takes her hand away and scoffs.]

Leela: If a guy ever did that to me I'd know it. Wait a second. They've all been doing that to me. Even Sean!

[She bursts into tears and runs out of the room.]

Zoidberg: Hmm, this "love" intrigues me. Teach me to fake it.

[Scene: Ships Rec Room. Fry has set up the room to look like a classroom. On a board at the front he has written "First Date: Champagne, Flowers, Lame Conversation". Zoidberg sits at a desk ready to learn.]

Fry: OK, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?

Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.

Fry: No. Tell her she's special.

Zoidberg: But she's not. She's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.

Fry: Well, tell her that. And then?

Zoidberg: Then mating.

Fry: No. Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. [Zoidberg raises his hand.] Yes?

Zoidberg: Is "desire to mate" a feeling?

Fry: You're not even trying!

[Zoidberg buries his head in his claws and groans.]

Zoidberg: It's all so complicated with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies.

Fry: OK, OK, don't worry. The love meister will take you under his wing.

Zoidberg: What? Now there's a bird involved?

[Scene: Outside Edna's Apartment Building. Zoidberg stands outside the sand building and Fry hides under a giant shell with his back to the building.]

Fry: OK, go ahead.

[Zoidberg throws an octopus at Edna's French window. She opens it and walks out onto the balcony.]

Edna: What the-- Dr. Zoidberg, your mating display failed. Why are you trying to talk to me?

[Zoidberg shrugs.]

Zoidberg: [shouting] I have no idea.

Fry: [whispering] You just wanna talk, it has nothing to do with mating.

Zoidberg: [shouting] I just wanna talk, it has nothing to do with mating. [whispering] Fry, that doesn't make sense.

Edna: Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But OK.

Fry: [whispering] Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin.

Zoidberg: [shouting] You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?

Edna: Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.

Fry: [whispering] Now ask her how her day was.

Zoidberg: Why would I wanna know?

Fry: [whispering] You wouldn't. Ask anyway.

Zoidberg: [shouting] How was your day?

Edna: Well first I got up and had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then I went to the store to buy some fish. Then...

Zoidberg: Fry, look what you did, she won't shut up.

Fry: [whispering] That's normal. Just nod your head and say "Uh-huh".

Zoidberg: [nodding] Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Edna: ...And then you threw an octopus at my window. You know, Zoidberg, it's crazy but when you talk this way your obvious deficiencies as a male seem ... less obvious. Your genes seem less detrimental. [She sniffs.] You even stink more.

[Zoidberg looks at Fry.]

Zoidberg: Do I ask her to mate now?

Fry: [whispering] Third date!

[Scene: Red Primate. At the restaurant that is "For The Land Food Lover In You", Zoidberg and Edna date and are joined by Fry, Leela and Bender. They sit around a table. Other Decapodians eat at other tables. Bender finishes a story.]

Bender: So I returned his artificial heart and ever since then I've been known by the name of Honest Bender.

[Everyone laughs and Fry slips Zoidberg a piece of paper.]

Zoidberg: [reading] I'd like to propose a toast to ... coat check number 84.

[He raises his glass.]

Fry: [whispering] Turn it over.

Zoidberg: Oh, Edna! [reading] Of all the slimy, gross crab monsters on this planet, you are apparently the hottest.

[He raises his glass again. Edna, Leela and Bender glare at him.]

Bender: Oy.

Fry: [wiping a tear] That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Edna: Yes, well ... excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps.

[She gets up and leaves. Zoidberg sighs.]

Leela: Uh, me too.

[She runs after Edna.]

Zoidberg: I'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange new emotion. Is it love when you care about a female for reasons beyond mating?

Fry: Nope. Must be some weird alien emotion.

[Scene: Red Primate Women's Room. Edna powders her mouth flaps.]

Leela: Zoidberg said some dumb stuff but he's a nice guy, really. It's just that Fry's been telling him what to say and Fry's a ... do you have idiots on your planet?

Edna: Fry? You mean words of such beauty came from the blowhole of that hideous alien?

Leela: Yeah ... what? Look, never mind the words. Zoidberg's a doctor. A doctor, honey.

Edna: Hmm.

[Scene: Edna's Apartment Building Corridor. Fry stands outside her door and reads a message on a fish. "Fry - Let's discuss Zoidberg - Edna." He drops the fish and it wriggles back into the water. Fry rings the doorbell which sounds like a sonar beep.]

Edna: [from inside] Come in.

[She growls sexfully.]
[Cut to: Edna's Apartment. Fry walks in and looks around. The room is decorated like a fish tank. Edna pulls open some curtains and walks towards Fry. She is dressed in a dark blue teddy and fishnet tights.]

Edna: [sexfully] Hello, Fry. Can I interest you in some surf and turf?

Fry: No thanks. I just came to tell you that Zoidberg's really great. He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo.

Edna: Well that is where it comes out but jelly isn't everything. [She comes closer.] I know Zoidberg's magical words were really yours. Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars!

[She runs towards him and he ducks behind the chair. She edges towards him and he moves around the chair.]

Fry: Uh, I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big, freaky mud bug you'd be way up the list!

Edna: Hush, you romantic fool! Engage your mandibles and kiss me!

[She dives on him and they land on a couch. Her mouth flaps snake around Fry's head and she kisses him. Fry struggles to get away. Enter a smartly-dressed Zoidberg carrying flowers and champagne.]

Zoidberg: Edna, I couldn't stand it any longer. I-- [He sees Fry and screams. Fry manages to break away from Edna's grip and gasps for air.] [angry] Fry!

[His claws clip the bottle neck and it falls to the floor and breaks.]

Fry: Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks.

Zoidberg: [angry] Her caviar is on your neck!

Fry: But--

Edna: Oh, it's true, Zoidberg. We can't hide it any longer. Fry and I have fallen in love and we're going to mate tomorrow.

Fry: What?

Zoidberg: [angry] Fry! [His fin reappears and knocks his hat off.] I challenge you to Claw-Plach!

[He clacks his claws.]

Fry: English, please?

Zoidberg: A fight to the death.

[He clacks his claws again.]

Edna: And if you survive, we'll make sweet love!

[She clacks her claws. Fry pulls at his hair and screams.]
[Scene: Decapod 10 Surface. Decapodian guards hold Fry in chains and march him to the Decapodian Emperor's throne. Bender and Leela watch.]

Decapodian Emperor: The law is clear. Fry and Zoidberg shall fight to the death for the claw of the beautiful Edna.

Fry: But I don't want her!

Decapodian Emperor: Once invoked, the sacred tradition of Claw-Plach can not be taken back. It is a recent tradition, only 18 years old, but it is a tradition none the less.

[Scene: Claw-Plach Arena. Decapodians have filled the amphitheatre to watch the fight. A Decapodian child waves a big foam claw. Zoidberg walks into the arena and the crowd cheers. The soldiers throw Fry in and Zoidberg moves towards him with his claws at the ready.]

Zoidberg: Get ready, Fry. I'm going to rip your swim bladder out and show it to you.

[Leela leans over the edge of the bleachers.]

Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, this is madness. You're being irrational.

Zoidberg: [shouting] Of course I'm being irrational! I'm in love!

Leela: Aww.

Fry: Leela!

Leela: Right, right. [She turns to the Emperor.] You have to stop this madness.

Decapodian Emperor: Listen, lady, as you can plainly see I'm a highly desirable male, groaning with jelly. Yet I embrace a life of celibacy in order to uphold our crazy traditions. One of your friends must die.

Bender: Fate is cruel and unyielding and what must be must be. [shouting] Takin' all bets! I'm giving 9-2 on Zoidberg, the crab with the jab! The Great Red Hope! Come on, baby!

[Spectators wave their money at Bender. Zoidberg takes Fry aside.]

Zoidberg: Fry, it's been years since medical school so remind me. Disembowelling in your species: Fatal or non-fatal?

Fry: Fatal.

[Zoidberg holds some cash up to Bender.]

Zoidberg: Large bet on myself in round one!

[Edna stands by the Emperor.]

Decapodian Emperor: Edna, have you anything to say before begins the Claw-Plach?

Edna: I do. I just want to say that today I got up and I had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth--

Fry: [shouting] Shut up!

Edna: I love you, Fry!

[Zoidberg growls and reaches his claws out to Fry. Guards restrain him.]

Decapodian Emperor: Fry, having guessed what animal I was thinking of, you shall have first choice of weapon. [Fry chooses a pair of giant nutcrackers from a case.] And you, doctor?

Zoidberg: I choose my own claws! I want the tactile pleasure of chopping him right here in the gonads!

[He points at Fry's neck.]

Fry: Shh! Nobody correct him!

[Bender leans over the bleachers.]

Bender: Fry, I've never asked you for anything before but, if it's not too much trouble, when it comes to the ninth round just let him win.

Fry: But it's a fight to the death!

Bender: Oh, so this is suddenly all about you. Sheesh!

[He storms off.]

Decapodian Emperor: Please rise for the national anthem.

[Decapodians hold their hands to their hearts and a woman plays the incidental music from the Star Trek episode Amok Time on an organ.]

Fry: Uh-oh.

Decapodian Emperor: [shouting] Let Claw-Plach begin!

[Fry and Zoidberg circle each other. Zoidberg spins his claws around and Fry does the same with his nutcrackers and whacks himself in the eye. Zoidberg scratches a "Z" in Fry's shirt à la The Mark of Zorro then scratches "DR" above it. Fry squeals and backs away. A bright light shines in his eye. He squints and tries to avoid it.]

Fry: Hey!

[In the bleachers, Bender reflects the sunlight off his arm and into Fry's face. He chuckles. Leela slaps him.]

Bender: Ow!

[In the arena Zoidberg dives at Fry and Fry dodges. Zoidberg lands in the mud and Fry chuckles. Zoidberg stands on his hands, kicks off his sandals and chases Fry, clacking at him with his foot claws. The crowd cheers.]

Leela: [shouting] Come on, Fry! Die with dignity!

Fry: Aha! [He hits Zoidberg's hands with the nutcrackers and Zoidberg flies over his head and lands on his feet.] Oops!

[He grabs Zoidberg around the neck with the nutcrackers and Zoidberg grabs Fry's neck with his claws locking the two together in a struggle.]

Edna: [screaming] Nooo! I can't stand to look.

[Zoidberg looks up at her.]

Zoidberg: Huh?

[Fry dodges his grasp and gains the upper hand by grabbing him from behind with the nutcrackers and bringing him to his knees. The crowd gasps.]

Bender: Psst, Fry. Take a dive.

[Fry grins and tightens the nutcrackers. Sweat pours down Zoidberg's face and the crowd chants.]

Crowd: [chanting] Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! [Fry looks around at the crowd.] Claw-Plach! [He takes the nutcrackers from around Zoidberg's neck and throws them aside.] Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach!

[The crowd gasps.]

Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilisation or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything? Dr. Zoidberg is my friend, and though a woman has come between us, I say we'll always remain friends. And you know why? [He raises his arm.] One reason. [Zoidberg cuts his arm off with one clean click of the claws. Fry looks at his lifeless arm on the ground and pulls his shirt up around his wound.] You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!

[He picks up his dismembered arm and beats Zoidberg around the head with it. Zoidberg kicks him away and starts to choke him.]

Leela: Wait! Stop! Everyone is gone.

[Zoidberg looks around the empty arena.]

Zoidberg: Edna? Honey?

[Cut to: Decapod 10 Beach. The mating frenzy meter has filled with water.]
[Cut to: Claw-Plach Arena. They hear the craws of Decapodians.]
[Cut to: Decapod 10 Beach. They run to the beach and gasp.]

Zoidberg: Edna?

[Edna and the Emperor hold claws. They scuttle into the water along with thousands of other Decapodians. They all disappear underwater and the sea fills with a green slime.]

Leela: Ew!

Bender: Oh, my God!

Zoidberg: The frenzy! [His fin disappears back into his head.] Oh, the greatest experience in life and I missed it.

[He bursts into tears.]

Fry: Aw. I'm sorry, Doc.

[He pats him on the back with his severed arm.]
[Time Lapse. The four walk along the empty beach and seagulls fly around them. Zoidberg injects Fry with St. Jonah's Morphine for Children.]

Fry: Ow, ow! Ah!

Zoidberg: The frenzy is over. How will I ever get rid of my male jelly now?

Fry: [holding up his arm] I'll lend you this.

Leela: Fry!

[A seagull grabs his arm and tries to pull it away.]

Fry: Hey, hey.

[Bender is covered in bird faeces.]

Bender: Shoo! Get away! Hey! What's with the flying jerks?

Zoidberg: They come to feast after the frenzy. Once my species passes on its genes, it dies.

[He points to the sea which is littered with the corpses of Decapodians.]

Fry: You mean you have to choose between a life without sex and a gruesome death?

Zoidberg: Yes.

Fry: Tough call.

[Scene: The ship flies away from Decapod 10.]
[Cut to: Ships Medical Room.]

Zoidberg: Well it was nice of you to let me reattach your arm, Fry, especially after I made a complete eel out of myself.

[Fry lies on a table while Leela and Bender watch. He shrugs.]

Fry: No biggie.

Zoidberg: Yes biggie. I learned to feel things I'd never felt before: Love, jealousy, passion for disembowelling. I owe it all to you. [He finishes reattaching the arm.] There! I pronounce the operation a success.

Leela: Hooray!

Bender: Yeah!

Fry: [laughing] Yeah!

Zoidberg: I may not know from emotions but when it comes to medicine, forget about it.

[Fry look at his arm.]

Fry: I don't mean to nitpick, super-doc, but do you think maybe you could take one more whack at this?

[He points at his arm. Zoidberg has attached it to his other arm so he has two on the same side. Zoidberg turns around with his laser-saw.]

Zoidberg: For you, my friend, anything.

[Scene: The ship flies towards Earth. Fry screams from inside.]

Fry: [from ship] My legs!

Zoidberg: [from ship] Alright, alright, third time's the charm.

[He saws again and another limb falls off and splats.]