Transcript:A Clockwork Origin
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|A Clockwork Origin|
|Written by||Dan Vebber|
|Transcribed by||Teyrn of Highever|
- [Opening Credits: This time, it's personal.]
Cubert: I couldn't get past the protesters. A bunch of smiling, angry people were handing out these anti-evolution flyers.
- [He shows the Professor one. It shows a woman spanking a man wearing a dunce cap that says "Darwin". It reads "Teach truth, not evolution. Also bring back spanking".]
Farnsworth: [He gasps.] Evolution is under attack in our schools? To the science mobile.
Farnsworth: Yes. The science mobile!
Leela: It's just that you've never called it that before, but okay.
- [Scene: Wozniak Nerd Academy. The ship passes a sign that says "Go Flinchers!". It lands.]
Woman: I don't understand evolution, and I have to protect my kids from understanding it! We will not give in to the thinkers!
- [The crowd listening cheers]
Farnsworth: [Walking to the podium.] You people are as loud as you are ignorant. Now, get back on your turnip trucks and go home!
- [The crowd boos.]
Hydroponic farmer: [Standing in front of a turnip truck.] That is an insultingly accurate stereotype, sir!
Farnsworth: As a professor of science, I assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men.
- [An orangutan walks up from the crowd. He is wearing a suit and glasses.]
Farnsworth: Dr. Banjo?
- [The crowd cheers again.]
Banjo: Oh, please. A far more logical explanation is the undisprovable science of Creatureism. All life was created in its present form seven thousand years ago, by a fantastical creature from outer space!
Banjo: Oh! [He shows a hologram of a man and a chimpanzee, with a backwards prohibition sign running through an arrow.] If you elitist, East Coast evolution is real, why has no one found the missing link between modern humans and ancient apes?
Farnsworth: We did find it! [The arrow is replaced by Homo erectus.] It's called Homo erectus!
Banjo: Then you have proven my case, sir, for no one has found a link between apes and this Homo erectus. [The arrow is put between before Homo erectus.]
Farnsworth: Yes, they have! [The hologram fills in again.] It's called Homo habilis!
Banjo: Ah-ha! But no one has found the missing link between ape and this so called Homo habilis.
Farnsworth: Yes, they have! [The hologram fills in.] It's called Australopithecus africanus!
Banjo: Oh-ho! I've got you now! [Time Lapse. The hologram now shows 19 different species of ape. Only Fry and Leela are still there.] Fair enough, but where, then, is the missing link between apes and this Darwinius masillae? Answer me that, Professor!
Farnsworth: Okay, granted, that one missing link is still missing, but just because we haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist!
Banjo: [He scoffs.] Things don't exist simply because you believe in them. Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky!
- [Scene: Olduvai Gorge. A sign reads "Welcome to Olduvai Gorge. Birthplace of Ryan Seacrest (and the rest of mankind). The crew are excavating.]
Farnsworth: I'll show that banana-swilling, poop-slinger! We just need to find that last missing link.
Leela: I found a missing link. It seems to be half-man, half-toucan. [She shows a human shaped skull with a large beak.]
Farnsworth: Not what we're looking for. Throw it in the soup! [She throws it in a pot.]
Fry: Did you find something, Hermes?
Hermes: [Hiding the fossil behind his back.] No. [The dog lands in the soup.]
Amy: I hate chiseling right after a manicure. Oh! Darn it! I broke off one of my fingers!
Zoidberg: [He and Cubert are standing near the fossil of a long-necked reptile.] Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! [Cubert looks at him, deadpan.] What, too soon?
Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.
Bender: Hey, look! I found a robot fossil! [He picks up a spring.]
Farnsworth: That's a bedspring, you dumb bedspring! There are no robot fossils!
Bender: What? Who says I didn't evolve?
Farnsworth: Everybody! Robots were created quite recently. It was in all the papers.
Bender: Then explain this! [He turns around and works on something. He turns around and shows the Professor. He has put eyes on the spring and mounted it on a plaque that says "I hate Mondays".]
- [Time Lapse.]
Farnsworth: I've hit a rich vein of missing links. Java Man, Piltdown Man, Manfred Mann. [He throws out the skulls as he names them.] Eureka! [He is holding a skull.] It's the elusive missing missing link! This will show Banjo, once and for all!
- [The crew cheers from nearby, where they are eating their soup.]
Fry: [He scoops up some soup. Amy's finger is in the spoon.] What the...
Amy: Oh, that's mine. [She takes it back.]
- [Scene: NNY. Museum of Natural History. A banner reads "World Bone Premiere".]
Bender: [He walks up to the Professor, wearing an under-sized Tuxedo.] Hmm, my tux doesn't fit. Probably because I've grown so much since I last wore it, or evolved, one might say.
Farnsworth: One might not say that! Your tux doesn't fit because you stole it from a boy!
Bender: You mean a man! It was his Bar Mitzvah.
Ben Beeler: Welcome, museum members. Or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. [The crowd chuckles weakly.]
Zoidberg: [To Cubert.] He's good.
Beeler: Tonight, we have a new resident here in the hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo farnsworth. [A curtain rises, revealing the skull and an artist's recreation of the hominid.]
Farnsworth: Once again, science saves the day. The end.
Beeler: And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo!
Banjo: Thank you Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all dis-proven evolution. [He pulls a cord and a painting of Homo farnsworth riding a dinosaur is revealed.] Behold! Homo farnsworth frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation.
Farnsworth: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
- [Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship blasts off.]
- [Scene: Deep Space.]
Farnsworth: Faster! Faster! Just drop me off at that asteroid over there.
- [Scene: Robo-Planetoid.]
Leela: Wow, this planetoid is completely lifeless.
Farnsworth: Not lifeless enough! Set up my shack so that I can kick you out of it!
- [Hermes sets down a container labeled "Blow Shack" and pulls the cord. The shack pops up and sends Hermes flying.]
Fry: [Looking at a polluted pond.] Professor, is this your only water source? It looks like Diet Dr. Pepper.
Farnsworth: It's not that bad. It's just laden with toxic minerals. But not for long. [He rattles a tube.]
Fry: What's in the tube?
Farnsworth: Microscopic Nanobots. [He empties the tube. The robots quickly start cleaning the water.] They're tiny robots I designed to eat up nasty irritants.
Fry: Speaking of nasty irritants, what's going to become of Cubert?
Farnsworth: Who? Oh, my son. Don't worry, he's been safely abandoned with his godfather.
- [Scene: Planet Express. Cubert and Dr. Zoidberg are sitting at a table.]
Zoidberg: Cubert, I felt we needed some father-son bonding time, so I found a couple of baseball gloves and boiled them up for lunch.
Cubert: Why don't you just go to Hell!
Zoidberg: Wait! We still have to discuss the facts of life. What are they?
- [Scene: Robo-Planetoid.]
Hermes: [He walks out of the Professor's shack.] Okay, I finished moving the last grand piano. Now can we have our pizza?
Farnsworth: You'll get your damned pizza, you parasite! First, let see if my Nanobots have purified the water yet. [He pours some water from an Erlenmeyer flask on to a microscope slide and examines it.] Ah, the water's as sterile as my milkman-trusting father. But what's this? The Nanobots have gotten more complex.
Bender: What's that you say? Those robots have evolved all by themselves, you say?
Farnsworth: It wasn't by themselves! I put them there. I'm a genius. Get over it!
Amy: Hey look, now they gotten bigger. [The robots are coming onshore.]
Farnsworth: Good heavens! Trilobots!
- [The Trilobots cannibalize the ship while the crew look on in shock.]
Leela: Oh, no! My sunglasses were in there!
- [Time lapse. The Trilobots attack the crew.]
Hermes: Let's get the pizza out of here. [Hermes runs off with the pizza. The crew follows. The Trilobots cannibalize everything, including the Professor's shack and the pianos inside.]
Amy: Look, there's a cave-like hole in that mountain. It might be a cave. [The crew runs into the cave and blocks the door with a boulder.]
Leela: Does anyone have a lighter?
Bender: Hang on. [He opens a beer and drinks. He burps and adjusts the flame.]
Leela: Okay, we've got shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation.
Hermes: It's pizza time. [He passes boxes to the rest of the crew.]
Hermes: So much for that. [They all throw away the pizza.]
- [Scene: Planet Express. Cubert's room.]
Zoidberg: Hello, I remembered you like superheroes so I painted you a mural on your wall. [He points to a crude drawing of himself and Cubert in costume.] This is Father-Man. He fights crime to earn Son-Boy's respect. Is it working?
Cubert: This is sucky! You suck! Who taught you to do three-point perspective? I could make a better mural with my butt!
Zoidberg: [Sadly.] Father-Man away. [He scuttles off. Cubert looks ashamed.]
- [Scene: Robo-Planetoid. The crew is waking up.]
Hermes: Nothing like a cave for a good night's sleep. So what do we have to eat that's not poisoned with pineapple?
Farnsworth: I packed plenty of food, but it's all in dehydrated pill form. [He holds up a bottle that says "Steak Dinner 40 mg. Fixin's 10 mg".]
Leela: Then we need water from that pond. We'll have to fight our way past the Trilobots. [Bender moves the boulder.] Go! Go! Hit anything that moves!
- [The crew rushes out, Karate-chopping the non-existent enemies. They all fall into a pile. They get up and take in their surroundings.]
Amy: A whole forest grew overnight.
Farnsworth: [He knocks on a tree. It is metal and hollow.] All these trees are robotic. I can't believe how quickly they sprung up.
Bender: I can. Robots do everything faster. Including evolving and believing how quickly things spring up.
Leela: [She gets water from the pond and re-hydrates the pill. It turns into a steak.] One thing about Bristol-Myers Squibb, they know how to cook a steak. [She takes a bite.]
Leela: Everybody grab a club. [The rest of the crew starts hitting the robot.]
Fry: [The robot throws opens its mouth and Fry hits the ground, several feet away.] Oh, big, tough water guy, why don't you come up here on land and... [A robotic T-Rex grabs him in its jaws.]
Amy: Look out for the next thing!
- [A robotic Triceratops rams the T-Rex. The T-Rex robot falls into the water and the Triceratops turns on the crew.]
Farnsworth: Great Scott, a Tricycle-tops!
- [The two robot dinosaurs in the pond attack each other.]
Fry: Woo-hoo! Throw down dinosaurs of the land and sea. [Something crows and Fry screams. A robot Pterosaur carries him off.] This is a cool way to die!
- [Scene: Outside Planet Express.]
Cubert: Dr. Zoidberg? I'm sorry for treating you like a total Zoidberg... I mean, loser. [Zoidberg comes out of his dumpster.]
Zoidberg: Go on.
Cubert: It's just that I get bullied a lot. I guess I kinda make fun of people as a defense mechanism.
Brett Blob: Hey, Cubert, is that your family mansion? [He laughs.]
Cubert: Why don't you ask your mom? She's coming over for a sex visit.
- [Brett's insides start boiling and he pushes himself through a fence, coming towards Cubert. Cubert sees this and backs away, whimpering.]
Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know just how to handle bullies. Just pretend like you're pathetic. Help, I'm scared. I wet myself. I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee, but what else is new? [He bursts into tears.]
Brett: [He laughs.] The pee-babies peed themselves. I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads.
Zoidberg: And that's that.
Cubert: Woah! You're like some kind of dumpster Jedi.
Zoidberg: So, you wanna come in maybe? [He opens the other lid.] I've got a nice pound cake with a footprint on it.
- [Scene: Robo-Planetoid. Fry is being taken to the robot Pterosaur's nest.]
Fry: [Trying to avoid the babies Pterosaurs.] Ah! Don't eat my butt!
- [The others are crawling in the brush, trying to get to Fry.]
Leela: If this is anything like killing that pigeon on my balcony, we've got our work cut out for us.
- [The robot T-rex and another dinosaur attack them. Fry is still trying not to be eaten. The sun flares.]
Farnsworth: Look out, a solar flare!
- [An energy wave hits the Planetoid, turning Fry's hair into an afro and short-circuiting the robots.
Amy: What the shmell happened?
Farnsworth: A mass extinction. [Fry lands unceremoniously near them.] That solar flare created a huge electromagnetic pulse that while harmless to organic life, short-circuited the robo-dinosaurs.
Farnsworth: Only puny, mammal-like robots cowering in caves could survive such a catastrophe.
- [Bender waits until this moment to move the boulder and leave the cave. He is wearing a scarf.]
Bender: Guys, guys! I taught myself to knit.
Farnsworth: Wait a moment. If we could scavenge the right parts from these robo-dinos, I might be able to construct a rudimentary spaceship to get us off this planet!
- [Time Lapse. The crew is standing in front of a spaceship.]
Farnsworth: Oh, well, it took almost two hours, but it's finished. [The crew cheers.] Now let's go... to sleep. It's solar powered, so we can't take off until sunrise.
Bender: Well, let's find something comfy to bed down on. [Time Lapse. Bender is sleeping on top of Fry, Hermes, and the Professor.]
- [Nearby, Leela and Amy are kidnapped by unknown robots. The rest take no notice, with Bender fluffing his Fry-pillow and turning over.]
- [Time Lapse. The next morning, a mechanical rooster crows and the crew leaves their cave.]
Fry: Hey, looky here. [Mechanical flowers have sprung up, there are animals everywhere.]
Hermes: Sweet robot swan of Botswana!
Bender: Looks like the fittest did a little surviving last night, huh?
Fry: Hey, looky there. [Amy and Leela are still being abducted.]
Hermes: Those robo-cavemen have kidnapped our human regular-women!
Fry: We gotta save them! But the only weapon we have is my fan dance. [He shows off a fan.]
Farnsworth: Hmm, I believe I can fashion a slingshot using this robot wishbone and this elastic from my pants. [His pants fall down.]
- [Scene: Cavemen's cave. The cavemen drops their captives on the ground. They grunt at them and drop a broom nearby.]
Amy: I think they want wives, so just play along. If it doesn't work out, we'll still get half their rocks.
Leela: I can earn my own rocks! Also, I don't want any rocks!
- [Scene: Outside the Crew's cave.]
Farnsworth: Well, it took almost twelve hours, but it's finished.
Hermes: It's too dark now, but first thing tomorrow we'll slingshot them like they've never been slangshat. [They go into their cave.]
- [Time Lapse. The next morning. The remaining crew run out of the cave, screaming war cries. They run right past Amy and Leela. They stop and run back.]
Fry: What's going on? How did we save you?
Amy: It was the weirdest thing. We went to sleep, and when we woke up, our cave husbands were gone.
Leela: I'm gonna miss Spencer.
- [Something rustles in the bushes nearby. The robot woman comes out. Fry snorts and scratches his head in confusion.]
Dr. Widnar: Don't be afraid, little guys. I'm not gonna hurt you. [She throws a net on Fry.]
Fry: [He whistles.] Nice net.
Widnar: You... you can speak?
Hermes: Dread my locks! A fully-evolved robot human.
Widnar: I'm Dr. Widnar, a naturalist.
Bender: And I'm Bender, baby. My human slaves and I come from a planet where organic life and robotic life evolved side by side.
Farnsworth: Oh, shut up!
Widnar: Amazing. [She pokes Hermes.] I've theorized that carbon-based, fat-filled life could exist, but until today, I never had any proof.
Leela: Good for you. Can we go home now? [Widnar throws a net on Leela.]
- [Scene: Museum of Natural Robo-History. The crew looks at the "Ascent of Bot". Widnar steps up to a podium.]
Widnar: Welcome, museum members, or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. [A robot coughs.] I now present my latest discovery, the amazing non-mechanical man, Homo farnsworth.
Farnsworth: Thank you. I must say, I'm so proud to see what you've blossomed into since I first created your ancestors.
- [The crowd gasps.]
Farnsworth: I thought you knew. You all evolved from some filth-gobbling Nanobots I designed. I dumped them in one of your ponds a few days ago.
Widnar: But this is Creationist talk!
Robot Farnsworth: He speaks lies! The Earth was created in eons not days.
Farnsworth: Yes, relative to you, it was eons, but, well, look at this hologram I took the day before yesterday of a robot frolicking with a robo-dinosaur. [He shows a hologram of Bender riding one of the dinosaurs. The crowd gasps again.]
Widnar: I don't want to live on this planet anymore! [She blasts off.]
Robo-Police: You're under arrest for crimes against science.
Farnsworth: [He is dragged off.] No! Could you drag me by the restroom?
- [USB Today Headline: "Trial of the Century. Carbon-based life-form accused of Creationism." Underneath, "Carbon-based life-form discovered.]
- [Scene: Superior Gort. Exterior. Protestors are hassling the Professor.]
Robot: Go back to Roboklahoma!
- [Scene: Superior Gort.]
Leela: I am...
Bender: I am, your Honor. [Everyone else gasps.]
Farnsworth: Bender, what the Hell are you doing?
Bender: Shut up, I'm billing you by the hour! Besides, I'm a robot, they'll listen to me. [He clears his throat.] Ladytrons and gentlebots...
Superior Gort Prosecutor: Objection. In the absence of pants, defense's suspenders serve no purpose.
Superior Gort Judge: I'm going to allow them, for now.
Bender: Thank you. Your Honor, this meat-man does not deny that we robots are the glorious products of evolution. He claim only to have played a small role in supplying the initial machinery. I ask you, is that so crazy? Yes, it's completely crazy, and that is why you must find him not guilty by reason of insanity! [Everyone gasps again.]
Farnsworth: Objection, I'm not crazy! I created you all and I came here in a homemade spaceship and lived in a cave. If you don't believe me, ask my uncle.
- [Fry gives a thumbs-up.]
Superior Gort Judge: Prosecutor, your opening statement?
Superior Gort Prosecutor: [on cell-phone.] Yeah, honey. I'll be home by dinner. [To the Judge.] The prosecution rests, your Honor.
Superior Gort Judge: Very well, we will reconvene when the jury reaches a verdict.
- [A fork-lift carries the jury box out of the room.]
Bender: [To Farnsworth.] Son, you in a whole mess of trouble.
- [Time lapse. The next morning. A gavel bangs.]
Superior Gort Judge: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Robotic gas forms: No, we have not, for we have evolved to a high state of consciousness. [They are all energy beings.] In the grand scheme, all physical beings are but yokels. Now, settle your petty squabbles and get the hell out. [A blinding flash occurs and the energy beings are gone.]
Bender: [To Farnsworth.] That'll be $10,000.
- [Scene: Planet Express. The ship lands. The Professor is showing Banjo pictures of his experience.]
Banjo: Well, digital photographs don't lie. I admit that what you witnessed may have been some form of evolution.
Farnsworth: I'm glad you agree, Dr. Banjo.
Banjo: Evolution set into motion by a wise and all-knowing Creator. You.
Farnsworth: [He chuckles.] Well I don't know about all-knowing. And I admit it's possible, however unlikely, that some wise and all-knowing alien monster set evolution in motion here on Earth.
Bender: And the Creator could also be a robot.
Farnsworth: Then who built this so-called Creator-robot?
Banjo: Some magical bearded robot in the sky? [He and Farnsworth laugh.]
Bender: I guess that would be stupid. Never mind.
Farnsworth: Then it's settled. Finally, a world in which I'm happy to raise my son!
Zoidberg: Good, cause I'm sick of him!
- [Closing Credits.]
Zoidberg: [Over credits.] I'm serious. He's a terrible person.
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