Transcript:Law and Oracle
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|Law and Oracle|
|Written by||Josh Weinstein|
- [Opening Credits. Caption: FOR THE SOPHISTICATED SHUT-IN]
- [Scene: Videogame. The SCORE is 0050 and the DELIVERY BONUS is 0. A little boy is riding a bicycle and delivers newspapers to the houses that he passes by. Each delivery that he makes increases the SCORE by 50 points. Donkey Kong climbs out of a manhole and throws a barrel at him, but he manages to dodge it.]
Fry: [voice-over] After centuries as a delivery boy, nothin' surprises me.
- [The little boy is run over by a bus. The caption GAME OVER appears on screen, followed by F.B.I. WARNING: WINNERS DON'T PLAY VIDEOGAMES.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge. Fry is playing an arcade game called DELIVERY COMMAND.]
Zoidberg: You stink, loser.
Leela: [off camera] Hey, Fry! [Leela enters.] Pizza goin' out. Come on!
- [The screen of the arcade game is now showing the arcade game's name. Fry sighs and takes the pizza from Leela.]
Fry: Alright. I'll take the red rocket.
- [The screen of the arcade game changes to HIGH SCORES: BBR 65535, NIB 48565, HJF 00254.]
- [Scene: New New York street, day. Fry is riding a hoverbicycle and is dressed in a red cap, a red jacket that is slightly different from his and that is all buttoned up, yellow shorts, and white socks, each with a red strike, that go all the way to his knee. He is run over by a hoverbus and grunts.]
- [Scene: Outside Applied Cryogenics. The clock on the wall reads approximately 3:03.]
- [Cut to: Applied Cryogenics corridor. Fry has an adhesive bandage on his face. He opens a door with a sign reading APPLIED CRYOGENICS and enters the room. It is the room where he was frozen.]
Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for... [Fry takes a piece of paper from his pocket.] D. Frosted Wang? [Fry grunts.] Not another crank delivery! Why don't I read these things ahead of time?! [Ipji, Terry, and Lou step out of the cryo-tube shadows and burst out laughing.] One time was funny. But, every week for ten years, not as funny.
Ipji: True. Not as funny. But still somewhat funny.
- [The three men burst out laughing again. Fry looks annoyed.]
- [Scene: The Planet Express conference room. Professor Farnsworth, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, Leela, and Amy are sitting at the conference table. Fry is standing up.]
Fry: And... And then they burst out laughing a second time. [All but Fry laugh. Fry sighs.] I've been a delivery boy for a thousand years. Isn't there any room for promotion around here?
Hermes: There'll be no promotions unless somebody dies. And, even then, only if we can bring 'em back as a zombie like Scruffy.
- [Hermes points to Scruffy, who is mopping the floor. His wash bucket is beside him.]
Scruffy: Life and death are a seamless continuum.
- [Scruffy hums.]
Fry: Well, could I at least get some encouragement? I could use a shot in the arm. [Shots are fired from outside the building, piercing the window that is the closest to the crew. Fry falls down and screams.] I got shot in the leg!
- [A bag of money is thrown through the window, completely breaking it. Roberto enters the building through the window, nervous, and grabs the bag.]
Bender: Roberto! [Roberto approaches the table.] What are you doin' here?
Roberto: What? A fella can't drop in on ol' friends and hold 'em hostage?
- [Roberto positions his knife in front of Zoidberg's neck.]
Zoidberg: [calm] I'm good! And you?
Smitty: [off camera, on a speaker] Attention, criminal Robot in the building.
- [Cut to: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. The building is being surrounded by NNYPD officers and hovercars.]
Smitty: [off-camera, on a speaker] Come out with your hands up.
- [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Roberto is still threatening Zoidberg.]
Smitty: [off-camera, on a speaker] Uh, other guy.
Roberto: Listen up, piggies! I want a hovercopter. And a non-marked sandwich. And a new face with, like, a... A Hugh Grant look.
- [Cut to: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. The building is still being surrounded by the NNYPD.]
Roberto: [off-camera] And, every five minutes I don't get it, someone's gonna get stabbed in the ass!
Zoidberg: [off-camera] He's bluffing. [A stabbing sound is heard.] Ouch!
- [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Zoidberg looks terrified as Roberto threatens him.]
Zoidberg: He's not bluffing!
- [The ceiling is teared open by URL and Smitty, who descend to the floor with black ropes.]
URL: You call for a chopper?
Roberto: Nah. I specifically said hovercopter.
URL: One chopper comin' up.
- [URL hits Roberto in the head. Roberto screams as he falls down.]
- [Cut to: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. The number of NNYPD officers and hovercars surrounding the building has diminished. Amy, Leela, Fry, Hermes, Professor Farnsworth, and Zoidberg are there. A crowd, the crew included, cheers. All hovercars but one fly away. Smitty and URL force Roberto into the one hovercar left. Amy kisses Smitty passionately. Smitty is perplexed. Zoidberg also kisses Smitty passionately. Smitty is terrified. The two crew members walk away.]
Smitty: You know, URL. [URL has entered the hovercar.] Sometimes it's almost too much for me.
URL: You mean the respect we get and the high level of job satisfaction?
- [Smitty enters the car.]
Smitty: There's that, but I'm also talkin' about the non-stop promotions and the free hot ride.
- [The hovercar grows a roof of light and flies away.]
Leela: I do love a man in uniform. [Fry clears his throat, laying emphasis on his delivery-boy uniform.] I mean a uniform that doesn't involve short pants.
- [Fry sighs.]
Fry: I can see I have no future here. My only option is to resign with dignity. [Fry takes his shorts off and gives them to Hermes.] Here are my shorts.
- [Fry walks away with his buttocks bared. Amy, Leela, and Hermes look at him in surprise as he walks into the distance.]
- [Scene: Outside Police Academy. A sign reads NOT AFFILIATED WITH POLICE ACADEMY IV.]
- [Cut to: Inside Police Academy. Fry stands below a sign reading RECRUITMENT.]
Fry: Hello. I'd like to enrol in Police Academy.
Policeman #1: You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop?
Fry: That's the plan.
- [Fry nods.]
Policeman #1: I like you, kid. I got no pants on either.
Fry: I can see that. You're quite a bit taller than me.
- [The policeman offers Fry his hand.]
Policeman #1: Welcome to Police Academy.
- [Fry shakes the policeman's hand.]
- [Scene: Classroom. Wearing white NNYPD shirts, Aliens, Humans, including Fry, and Robots, including Fat-bot and the spotty teen Robot, are sitting down. Fry turns to a brown Robot to his left.]
Fry: Hi! I'm Fry.
Brown Robot: I'm the Sound Effects 5000.
- [The Sound Effects 5000 produces several sound effects.]
Fry: Wow! That would be impressive if you were a Human!
Sound Effects 5000: [sad] Yeah...
- [The door opens.]
Policeman #2: On your feet for Chief O'Mannahan.
- [All stand up.]
Chief O'Mannahan: At ease, cadets. I'll make this short and sweet 'cause I'm PMS-in' like a lumberjack. Police Academy is not for everybody. You're gonna get your boobs scuffed. But, if you got the vulva to stick it out, I'll be proud to call you ladies policemen.
- [Fry salutes the Chief.]
Fry: Sir! Yes, ma'am!
- [Scene: Car. Fry and the Sound Effects 5000 are in it. They start driving. Fry is smiling. The camera zooms out, revealing that the car is in a room, attached to the floor, and the buildings that they were passing by are a circling background. Fry and the Sound Effects 5000 look to a black-haired man in the room.]
Black-haired man: Yeah. That's great. [The black-haired man approaches the driver's window.] Now can you actually turn on the ignition?
Sound Effects 5000: [sad] I don't have any hands.
- [The Sound Effects 5000 lifts up his arms, revealing that he has footcups for hands.]
- [Montage: Outside Police Academy. Fry, another Human, and two Robots are practising shooting. Fry runs out of fire and angrily throws his gun towards an arc on a shooting doll as if it were an arrow, hitting the centre.]
- [Cut to: Arena. Fry turns on a lightsaber. The camera zooms out, revealing that the black-haired man, who is standing on a podium, and a construction with a sign reading BATON RANGE are there. Fry hits three robbers like beavers, but does not hit a woman who is carrying a baby. The black-haired man nods, approving of Fry's performance. Fry hits him with the lightsaber and he screams and falls down.]
- [Scene: Arena. Chief O'Mannahan is standing on a stage above which there is a sign reading TODAY: POLICE ACADEMY GRADUATION, TONIGHT: POLICE ACADEMY AWARDS. Various cadets are sitting while looking at her and a crowd is watching the event.]
Chief O'Mannahan: Well, it's that time of the month. Graduation Day. So grow up hair and put 'em together for our new officers.
- [The crowd applauds. The Sound Effects 5000 and Fry are among the cadets.]
Amy: [off camera] Woohoo!
- [Fry looks at the crowd, seeing Hermes, Professor Farnsworth, Zoidberg, Bender, Leela, and Amy.]
Bender: Hooray for the pigs!
Chief O'Mannahan: Graduates, you are hereby officially cops. Now movin' along. Nothin' to see here.
- [The policemen cheer and throw their lightsabers in the air. It starts raining lightsabers and the policemen complain.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! Free sky sticks! [A lightsaber falls on Zoidberg's head, ridding him of his crust.] Ooh. [Zoidberg points his finger accusingly.] Police brutality!
- [Scene: Outside the NNYPD. The words 18TH PRECINCT are below the façade. A TV screen on the wall shows the caption WANTED, along with the profile photographs of two people, a woman and a man, who are walking by it. A policeman exits the building.]
- [Cut to: Inside the NNYPD. A bored policeman and Chief O'Mannahan, who is writing on a pad with a pen and has a cigar in her mouth, are standing up in front of a screen displaying a map, two photographs of individual locations, one of which is the NNYPD itself, and the captions INCIDENT, APB, and 10851. Chief O'Mannahan spits on the floor.]
Chief O'Mannahan: [to herself] Nice... [The camera zooms out, revealing two tables where eight policemen, including URL and Fry, are sitting.] [to the policemen] Alright. Before we head out, I'll be teaming up our new officers with their ironically matched partners. Sound Effects 5000, you'll be with Gretsky.
- [The Sound Effects 5000 raises his arms, turns to Gretsky, and produces a cheering sound. Gretsky covers his ears and screams.]
Gretsky: Ow, my tinnitus!
Chief O'Mannahan: Fry, due to the unfortunate loss of Officer Smith, you'll be riding with URL.
URL: And Smitty was just a few days from retirement.
Fry: Wuh— What happened?
URL: He took a early retirement. Damn.
- [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Zoidberg, Hermes, Leela, Amy, and Bender are sitting at the conference table. Professor Farnsworth is standing up.]
Professor Farnsworth: Let's get down to business.
Amy: Aren't you gonna say [imitating Professor Farnsworth's voice] Good news, everyone?
Professor Farnsworth: No, I just said that for Fry's benefit. May the poor fellow feel better about his pointless job.
- [Leela and Amy nod with their eyes closed.]
Hermes: As much as I miss 'im, he didn't really serve much purpose around here. [Leela and Amy open their eyes.] Though he did walk Zoidberg.
- [The camera pans over to Zoidberg, who is biting on a leash and whining. Zoidberg spits out the leash.]
Professor Farnsworth: In any case, I've improved on Fry by sticking some wheels on a board so Leela and Bender can easily make the next delivery without him.
- [Professor Farnsworth puts a board made of wood with wheels attached on the table and slides it in Bender's direction.]
Bender: Neat. So where are we goin'?
- [Professor Farnsworth makes the table's holographic projector show a planet in grey.]
Professor Farnsworth: Pandora.
Leela: That dangerous, 3-D planet? Can't we just send our avatars?
Professor Farnsworth: No! It's cheaper just to have you die.
- [Scene: New New York street. A green car is going very fast. URL uses a radar detector to measure its speed. The radar's screen reads c+15MPH. Fry looks at it.]
Fry: Whoa! Fifteen miles over the speed of light.
URL: That's a violation of the law of Lorentz invariance, baby.
Fry: Light 'em up.
- [URL's head grows two police horns. Fry and URL ride their motorcycles in pursuit of the car. The car's driver spots the two policemen on his rearview mirror. The camera shows a box next to him. The car causes confusion, scaring the people on the street, and follows the road. There is a sign reading WELCOME TO CIRCUIT CITY. The car enters the City through an electric passageway, turning into a car in the style of Tron. The NNYPD motorcycles proceed through the passageway in pursuit of the car and each one becomes a light cycle. The chase continues and URL sees hobo Dandy Jim.]
URL: Look out for that particular individual.
- [The wall of light created by Fry's cycle stops Dandy Jim.]
Dandy Jim: An electric wall, eh? I can't see the harm in peein' on that.
- [Dandy Jim's urinating momentarily destabilises the City. Still trying to avoid capture, the car hits Fry's cycle, causing it to spin around in the air for a while. Fry manages to make a safe landing.]
URL: Whoa! Where my man learn that?
Fry: SunnyD commercial.
- [Fry and URL keep pursuing the car.]
URL: Let's refract this sucker.
- [Fry and URL appear in front of the driver and proceed towards him. The driver screams as his car is surrounded by an electric wall on each side, forcing him to drive towards what seems to be the centre of the City, the location of a giant, jewel-like object around which floats the caption FRESNEL CIRCLE. He tries to prevent his car from colliding with the object by driving around it. The object creates five duplicates of the car and five duplicates of the driver, each in a different colour. The six identical cars crash into the electric wall produced by the original car. The six identical drivers scream and the six cars turn into one, the original car, broken. The light in the City disappears and the driver opens his car's door, falling on the floor. Fry and URL are pointing their guns at him.]
Fry: DNA and career chip, please.
- [The driver offers his hand and Fry pierces it with a gun that projects a hologram reading NNY DMV, ERWIN SCHRÖDINGER and showing the driver's profile photograph.]
URL: Erwin Schrödinger, huh? What's in the box, Schrödinger?
Erwin Schrödinger: Um... A cat, some poison, und a caesium atom.
Fry: The cat! Is it alive or dead? [Schrödinger is not given the time to reply.] Alive or dead?!
- [URL pushes Schrödinger against his car's door, alarming him.]
URL: Answer him, fool.
Erwin Schrödinger: It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function.
- [Fry enters the car.]
Fry: Says you.
- [Fry opens the box and a cat jumps out of it, attacking him. Fry screams. URL takes a close look at the box.]
URL: There's also a lotta drugs in there.
- [Scene: Space. The Planet Express ship is flying.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express ship bridge. A chair is labelled PHILIP J. FRY, DELIVERY BOY. The camera pans over to Bender and Leela. Bender is sitting on a chair that is identical to the Fry chair and Leela is at the wheel. There is an awkward silence.]
Leela: So... You're a Robot?
- [Bender sighs and looks the other way.]
- [Scene: Outside the NNYPD. The TV screen has an image of the Hyper-Chicken and the caption NEED A LAWYER?. Fry and URL escort Schrödinger inside. A policeman wielding a lightsaber and two civilians are also present.]
- [Cut to: Chief O'Mannahan's office. Chief O'Mannahan is shaving above a drawing of Schrödinger.]
Chief O'Mannahan: You boys did good. Nailed a major violator of the laws of Physics.
URL: He's goin' down. [URL lifts up Schrödinger's cat.] Cat's gonna testify.
- [Chief O'Mannahan lifts up the drawing of Schrödinger, revealing it to read WANTED.]
Chief O'Mannahan: Guys like this really bust my uterus. You're both getting a promotion! Ever heard of the Future Crimes Division?
Fry: Tomorrow I have.
- [Scene: Anaglyph-image planet. The caption PANDORA is on screen. The Planet Express ship flies towards the planet and moves back and forth, accidentally clashing with a tree resembling the Hometree in Avatar and consequently knocking it down.]
Leela: [off camera] Oops.
- [The ship lands on the log.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express ship bridge.]
Leela: I can't make out a thing!
- [Bender's eyes look like 3-D glasses. His right eye is blue and his left eye is red.]
Bender: Well, I guess you should've had two eyes!
- [Leela kicks the board, now sustaining a package, in Bender's direction.]
Leela: Just deliver the package and let's get outta here.
Bender: Screw that! [Bender kicks the board back to Leela.] I ain't no delivery boy! I'm the company's chef.
Leela: Oh! You're the chef, are you? [Leela stands up.] Then why don't you make us something nice to eat?
- [Bender stands up as well and begins walking towards the door, muttering.]
Bender: [muttering] I'll make you something— [Bender leaves the room and the door closes. It is opened as Bender re-enters.] [angry] Here's your damn peanut butter and jelly sandwich!
- [Bender throws a sandwich onto the camera. The caption PUT ON 3-D GLASSES ONE MINUTE AGO appears on screen.]
- [Scene: Door. It has a sign reading FUTURE CRIMES DIVISION and another sign reading WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID NEXT SUMMER. The door opens. The room is a cylinder and its walls are filled with screens, displaying photographs showing Joey Mousepad, a female Omicronian, the Donbot, the Taco Bellevue Doctor, and Petunia. A spiral staircase, three elevator tubes, and ten desks are inside. There is no ceiling on sight. Various people are looking busy. A blond man enters and is followed by Fry and URL as he walks through as aisle leading to the door of one of the elevators.]
Blond man: Now that we can predict crimes with 99% accuracy, we can arrest most perpetrators before they even perpetrate anything.
Fry: That's ridiculous. Only horoscopes can predict the future.
Blond man: That's what we used to think. Until we invented... [The blond man opens the door, revealing it to lead to no elevator, but to another room, in the middle of which there is a Robot lying on a tub with his eyes closed.] This.
- [Fry and URL approach the tub.]
URL: Slowed on, baby.
Blond man: The cybernetic oracle. The ultimate man-machine hybrid. Programmed with every crime ever recorded and implanted with the brain cells of History's greatest detectives. We call 'im... Pickles.
Fry: On account of it's like he's floating in a jar?
Blond man: Exactly. The oracle's visions are recorded on these coloured balls. [The blond man lifts up a box containing four balls: One green, one black, one red, and one white with pink stains.] Green is larceny. Black is fraud. Red, homicide.
Fry: What's pink pocodots?
Blond man: Clown slaughter. It happens more often than you think. [An alarm goes off and a red light flashes. Pickles' brain begins sparking. A red ball surfaces in the tub.] Clutter in the ball! [The blond man reaches the ball with a fishing net.] Red ball, homicide!
Fry: [extendedly] Woo!
- [The blond man puts the ball in a machine, which produces a blue light. Now wearing metallic gloves, the blond man moves around photographs on the wall screen that are superimposed on each other. They show a window, Hattie, an old man, a raccoon in the snow, birds, and a sheet of paper reading LAST WILL & WHATCHACALLIT. He isolates the photograph showing the old man.]
Blond man: Suspect: Male, six-foot-one, distinctive mustard stain on his forehead.
- [The blond man isolates the photograph showing Hattie, which now bears the play symbol in its lower left corner. He presses the symbol, starting a video.]
Hattie: [on the video] My kajigger!
Blond man: Victim: Hattie McDoogal.
- [The blond man isolates the photograph showing the birds, which automatically turns into a video showing the birds tweet. He passes the photograph to Fry, who zooms in, isolating a clock reading 5:08.]
Fry: Look! The clock says 5:08. [Fry looks at his wrist.] It's 4:30 right now!
URL: Uh-oh. We only have a half hour to chill out before we head over.
- [Scene: The house shown by one of the photographs revealed by the red ball. The birds are in a cage. The camera zooms out, revealing that Hattie is sitting on a couch with the old man, who kisses her hand three times.]
Old man: Oh, Hattie. When I look into your one good eye, I see a reflection of beauty.
- [Hattie looks the other way, embarrassed.]
Hattie: Oh, fresh.
- [URL bursts in through the door, wielding a gun. Fry is behind him.]
URL: Freeze, fool.
- [Fry enters and is also wielding a gun.]
Fry: You're under arrest for future murder!
- [The clock on the wall reads 5:08.]
Old man: Ja? [The old man jumps to behind the couch.] You can't arrest me for future murder after it's right-now murder!
- [The old man grabs a snow globe with the raccoon in it from a nightstand and prepares to throw it at Hattie.]
Hattie: My kajigger! [The old man accidentally opens the cage with the snow globe, causing the birds to start flying around him. He drops the snow globe, screams, and is handcuffed by Fry and URL.] So he didn't really wanna marry me?
URL: Nah. See, he knew you'd left everything to your parakeets in your will.
- [URL lifts up the sheet of paper reading LAST WILL & WHATCHACALLIT.]
Fry: He was gonna murder you, marry your parakeets, and then poison them with an arsenic-laced cuttlebone.
- [Fry grabs a cuttlebone from the old man's jacket.]
URL: Classic move. Aw, yeah.
- [Scene: NNYPD locker room. Gretsky, the black-haired man, Chief O'Mannahan, URL, and Fry are present. Chief O'Mannahan is topless, smoking a cigar, and sitting down, while the two policemen are in their uniforms and standing up. Chief O'Mannahan's bra is hanging from the door of one of the lockers.]
Chief O'Mannahan: Congratulations on your big bust.
Fry: You too.
- [Chief O'Mannahan stands up.]
Chief O'Mannahan: Keep it up and you boys might just make detective. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go drop a big one.
- [Chief O'Mannahan enters the ladies room.]
Fry: Wow! I can't believe it. One more promotion and I'll be a real detective. Like Sherlock Holmes or Speed Buggy.
- [Chief O'Mannahan exits the ladies room with the cigar in her mouth and a crying baby in her arms.]
Chief O'Mannahan: Eight pounds. I'm namin' 'er Bert!
URL: Mazel tov, Chief. That's a beautiful bathroom baby.
- [Scene: Photograph room. Fry is sitting in front of the wall screen, which is displaying photographs showing Hattie, ten units of what looks like an emerald, the raccoon in the snow globe, and two of the old man who tried to kill Hattie. He presses buttons randomly and URL enters, dressed in a casual outfit.]
URL: Ain't you headin' home, Phil?
Fry: In a minute. I just wanna finish this paperless work.
URL: Don't stay up too late. We gotta lotta people to shoot tomorrow.
- [URL leaves and the photographs on the wall screen disappear. The alarm goes off and the red light flashes. A green ball surfaces in the tub.]
Fry: Hello? Anyone? [Fry grunts.] There's never a cop around when you need one.
- [Fry stands up, approaches the tub, and reaches the ball with a fishing net. He puts it in the machine, which produces the blue light, and the wall screen displays photographs showing a gun, a safe, a calendar, the word Maltese, a play symbol, a house, and a dog.]
Female voice: Green ball, larceny.
- [Fry sits down and isolates the photograph showing the safe. The safe explodes. Fry isolates the photograph showing the dog. The dog barks angrily. Fry isolates the photograph showing the calendar. The calendar reads NEXT THURSDAY, 8. Fry isolates the photograph showing the gun. The gun fires. Fry isolates the photograph showing the play symbol and hums.]
Fry: The thief seems to be some sorta ghost. Or is he? [Fry zooms in, revealing the thief to be Bender. Fry gasps.] Bender?!
- [Fry presses the play symbol. Bender laughs evilly.]
- [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Fry's jacket is hanging on a chair.]
Hermes: [off camera] Item seven. [The camera zooms out, revealing that Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, Amy, and Hermes are sitting at the conference table. Hermes is looking at a set of paper sheets.] Our corporate tax rate remained unchanged this fiscal year.
Amy: That's not funny.
Hermes: It's not supposed to be funny. It's a business meetin'.
Zoidberg: Things used to be funny around here! Noses were picked. Pants fell down. So what changed? Only Fry could say... And he's gone!
- [Bender and Leela enter.]
Amy: Hey! Bender and Leela are back from Pandora. How was it?
- [Bender has already sat down. Leela is leaning against the table.]
Leela: Awful. We had nothing to say to each other. [Leela sits down.] So we had to listen to Bender's Eagles album for twenty-seven hours.
Bender: Beats talkin' to you, "Witchy Woman". [Fry enters, dressed in his NNYPD uniform, looking serious. The crew cheers.] Hey, meatbag!
Hermes: Look at you!
Leela: Hubba-hubba. Your pants go almost all the way to your ankles!
- [Fry approaches the table.]
Fry: Good afternoon, individuals. [to Bender] Sir, would you mind stepping outta the building?
Bender: Normally, when a cop asks me that, I spray whipped cream in his eyes and run away. But, to ditch these losers, gladly.
- [Scene: Central Park. Bender and Fry are walking.]
Fry: Bender, be honest with me. Are you planning a big heist?
Bender: Usually, but not at the moment.
Fry: I only ask 'cause the oracle thinks you're gonna pull of a major theft next Thursday.
- [Bender writes on a pad with a pencil.]
Bender: Next Thursday, you say? Pray, continue.
- [Fry presses the NNYPD badge on his helmet and a hologram of the photograph showing the house is projected from his nose.]
Fry: Are you familiar with this particular location?
Bender: I may have a burgling familiarity with it.
- [Fry presses the NNYPD badge again and a hologram of the photograph showing the word Maltese is projected.]
Fry: Does the word Maltese mean anything to you?
Bender: The Maltese Liquor?! The strongest and most valuable malt liquor ever brewed! And soon it will be mine... [Bender laughs evilly.] I'm sorry. You were sayin'?
- [Fry presses the NNYPD badge one last time and the hologram disappears.]
Fry: Bender, I'm only tellin' you this so you can avoid committing the crime.
Bender: [while writing on the pad] "Avoid committing the crime". Got it.
- [Fry takes the pad from Bender's hand.]
Fry: You wrote "Commit the crime"!
- [Bender sprays in Fry's eyes with a bottle labelled Whipped Cream and runs away, laughing. Fry looks angry.]
- [Scene: Outside the NNYPD. The TV screen has the caption THE PLACE TO CALL WHEN YOU'RE BEING MURDERED. No one is there.]
- [Cut to: Photograph room. Fry is once again sitting in front of the wall screen. The wall screen is displaying the seven photographs revealed by the green ball. Fry sighs as he moves them around.]
Fry: There's gotta be some way to stop Bender. [Fry strokes his chin.] Maybe something in the oracle's prediction that I missed before due to incompetence. [Fry continues moving the photographs around. He stops at the one showing the gun.] Wait. Who's the trigger-happy jerk? [Fry rewinds and zooms out, revealing the shooter to be himself. He gasps.] That's me. I recognise the face.
- [Fry continues playing the video. The video shows Fry shoot Bender. Bender screams, drops the bottle, and falls down.]
Bender: [on the video] You shot me. You miserable dingus!
- [Bender makes a dying sound.]
Fry: No! No! What have I will have done?
URL: Man, that's heavy. [Fry is alarmed. The camera zooms out, revealing that URL is standing behind Fry.] Osmium heavy.
- [Fry gasps.]
Fry: Are you gonna turn me in for concealing evidence?
URL: Say what? You're my partner, home-Fry. [URL puts his hand on Fry's shoulder.] Besides, I got my own secrets.
- [The door is opened by Chief O'Mannahan. Chief O'Mannahan enters.]
Chief O'Mannahan: Anything big worth checkin' out?
- [URL removes the green ball from the machine, making the photographs on the wall screen disappear.]
URL: Just your big, jangly booty, baby.
- [Chief O'Mannahan approaches URL.]
Chief O'Mannahan: See ya tonight, toots.
- [Chief O'Mannahan gropes URL and leaves.]
Fry: [confused] You... And— And the Chief?!
- [URL hums.]
URL: We been gettin' it on. Right there in your chair. [URL points to the chair where Fry is sitting. Fry looks disgusted.] I'm like, "Oh, baby! Oh, baby!" And she's like, [in a deeper voice] "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."
- [Scene: Outside the NNYPD, night. The TV screen has the caption ANGRY? FRUSTRATED? APPLY TO BE A COP!. No one is there. Two street lamps are on.]
- [Cut to: Photograph room. The wall screen is displaying the video showing Fry shoot Bender.]
Fry: I would never shoot Bender! Never! He taught me how to shave.
- [The alarm goes off and the red light flashes. A green ball with dark-green strikes surfaces. URL reaches it with a fishing net.]
URL: Revision ball. By decidin' not to shoot Bender, you created an alternate future.
- [URL throws the ball in Fry's direction and Fry catches it and puts it in the machine. The wall screen displays another video showing Fry point a gun at Bender.]
Fry: [on the video] I could never shoot you! Never! You taught me how to shave.
Fry: [on the video] Just get outta here. [Fry puts the gun down and closes his eyes.] Go!
- [Bender sprays in Fry's eyes with the bottle labelled Whipped Cream and runs away, laughing. Fry looks sad.]
URL: Now dig the unintended consequences.
- [URL points at the wall screen. The wall screen displays a video showing the Planet Express conference room, where Professor Farnsworth and Amy are sitting at the conference table, on which there is a bottle of Maltese Liquor, and Bender, Zoidberg, Hermes, and Leela are standing up.]
Bender: [on the video] My friends, let us share this booze in a toast to our dear friend, Bender. [Everyone drinks. All but Bender start suffocating and fall down, dead. The coffins of Amy, Hermes, Professor Farnsworth, Zoidberg, and Leela close by themselves. Fry walks up to Leela's coffin and puts a flower on it. Bender is also there.] Oops.
- [URL approaches the two.]
URL: [on the video] The Maltese Liquor done destroyed their brains. Fools should've known it's fatal for anyone but Robots and Billy Dee Williams.
- [Fry pauses the video.]
Fry: So, if I don't shoot Bender, all my other friends will die?!
URL: Fate is a freaky mistress. Much like the Chief. Look out!
Fry: Somethin' is not right. I refuse to believe it. Rewind!
- [Fry and URL both rewind.]
- [Scene: The house shown by one of the photographs revealed by the green ball. Equipped with a contractor's belt and kit, Bender heads towards the door and rings the bell. He looks at the camera, revealing that he is wearing a moustache, and scratches his buttocks. The door is opened by Hedonism Bot.]
Hedonism Bot: Ooh. Are you the calloused working man I ordered?
Bender: Uh... [Bender looks the other way.] Sure.
- [Cut to: Wine cellar. Followed by Hedonism Bot, who is coming down the stairs, Bender walks further into the room.]
Bender: In order to fix your leaky roof, I'll need to spend two or three hours down here in the wine cellar.
Hedonism Bot: I'll be upstairs putting batteries and things.
- [Hedonism Bot leaves. Bender presses a button on the wall, turning the lights on. He drops his kit.]
Bender: Whoa! [Bender zooms in on a table sustaining the bottle of Maltese Liquor with his eyes.] The Maltese Liquor! [Bender zooms out and takes off his moustache and belt.] Forty ounces of Heaven! [The dog shown by one of the photographs appears and barks angrily. Bender grabs a slice of steak from his chest cabinet.] Here, boy. [The dog stops barking.] This is for you. [Bender knocks the dog unconscious with the slice of steak and eats it as he walks towards the table.] Ah! [Bender arrives at the table, hums, grabs a dynamite cylinder from his chest cabinet, lights the dynamite cylinder with his finger, grabs a cigar from his chest cabinet, puts the cigar in his mouth, lights the cigar with the dynamite cylinder, closes his chest door, and exhales smoke towards the bottle on the table, revealing the safe shown by one of the photographs.] Invisible safe, eh? [Bender giggles, is alarmed by the imminent explosion of the dynamite cylinder, screams, dropping the cigar, and places the dynamite cylinder on the safe. The dynamite cylinder explodes, causing the safe's door to open. Bender uncovers his ears and rubs his hands.] Aw, yeah, baby. [Bender grabs the bottle.] Two-hundred-and-ten proof.
Fry: That's all the proof I need. [The camera zooms out, revealing that Fry is pointing a gun at Bender.] Put the bottle back!
Bender: We both know I won't do that! Either you're gonna shoot me or I'm gonna spray whipped cream in your eyes and walk outta here like a big shot.
Fry: Bender, no! You don't have to do something just 'cause it's gonna happen! The future's making a chump outta you!
Bender: Oh, yeah?! [Bender puts the bottle on the table.] Well, I'm gonna make a chump outta the future! I'm not stealin' anything.
Fry: Yes! I stopped the crime without shooting you. The oracle was wrong!
Male voice: [off camera] Was I?
- [The camera reveals the male voice to belong to Pickles, who is wielding a gun of his own.]
Pickles: Yes. It is I, Pickles! I set the whole thing up. Everyone will think Bender's the thief, while I make off with that glorious brew.
Bender: [confused] Seriously? Why?
Pickles: So I can kill my Human brain cells. Do you have any idea what a burden it is to know everything that will ever happen?! To never be surprised. To know the punch line of every joke hours in advance.
Fry: Like watching Leno.
Pickles: And that is why I faked the prediction of this crime. Nevertheless, stay with me here. [Pickles begins walking.] Things will now happen just as I fake-predicted. [Pickles points the gun at Bender.] Bender, you're going to hand me that bottle. [Bender reaches for the bottle on the table.] Not that one! The real one. Which you switched when Fry stupidly looked away.
- [Fry is looking away.]
Bender: Aw, man. Why do you gotta be so oracle-y?
- [Bender opens his chest cabinet, grabs the real bottle, and hands it to Pickles.]
Pickles: Fry... You are going to shoot Bender, killing him and shattering the fake bottle. Just as I predicted. [Pickles points the gun at Fry.] Do it! It is your destiny!
Fry: Funny thing about destiny. [Fry points his gun at Pickles.] Sometimes fate has other plans. [Fry shoots in Pickles' direction, hitting the invisible safe, which redirects the shot to Bender. Bender screams, drops the bottle, and falls down.] Oh, nuts.
Bender: You shot me! You miserable dingus!
- [Bender makes a dying sound.]
Pickles: And now the part I didn't show you. [Pickles shoots Fry. Fry screams and falls down.] Everyone will think Bender killed you. [Pickles places his gun in Bender's hand.] And I walk away with a goofy juice. [Pickles walks towards a mirror, laughs evilly, opens the real bottle, and drinks the malt liquor. Pickles' brain begins sparking and Pickles makes sounds of both pain and pleasure. His brain is now significantly smaller.] Finally... Blissful ignorance! I have no idea what's going to happen next!
Fry: [off camera] Did you get that, Chief?
- [Pickles screams. Fry lifts up his shirt, revealing that he is wearing a bullet-proof vest. Bender opens his chest cabinet, which contains a hanger and another bullet-proof vest. Bender takes the vest out of his chest cabinet. Pickles is stunned. The mirror stops reflecting his image, showing the figures of URL and Chief O'Mannahan.]
Chief O'Mannahan: We got it all from behind this prediction-proof glass.
- [Fry handcuffs Pickles.]
Pickles: But... How could you know my prediction was fake?
Fry: I knew somethin' was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then it hit me. [Fry presses the NNYPD badge on his helmet and a hologram of Bender sharing the malt liquor in the Planet Express conference room is projected from his nose.] You showed Bender sharing the deadly booze with our friends. [Fry presses the NNYPD badge and the hologram disappears.] Bender would never share!
Bender: The very idea!
Fry: So we set up this little charade based on an episode of Speed Buggy.
- [Bender and Fry high-five.]
URL: With the added benefit of me and the Chief bein' locked in a small room.
- [URL and Chief O'Mannahan share a long kiss. Hedonism Bot enters, dressed in a cosplay outfit.]
Hedonism Bot: Shall we adjourn to the dungeon?
- [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters, day.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Fry is now wearing his regular clothes.]
Fry: Well, I got my shield for stopping Bender. [Fry lifts up his NNYPD badge. Zoidberg, Amy, Professor Farnsworth, Leela, Hermes, and Bender are sitting at the conference table. They all cheer.] But then I got fired for tipping off Bender.
- [They all cheer again. Bender gives Fry the finger.]
Professor Farnsworth: Fry, we have no idea what you do around here, but we desperately need you back.
Fry: Ruh— Really? Um, I don't suppose there's any chance I can get a promotion...
Professor Farnsworth: Sure! What the heck! I hereby promote you to... [Professor Farnsworth stands up.] Executive delivery boy!
Hermes: [whispering to Leela] It's a meanin'less title, but it helps insecure people feel better about themselves.
- [Executive Producers, MATT GROENING, DAVID X. COHEN appears on screen.]
Fry: I feel better about myself!
- [Closing Credits.]
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