Transcript:When Aliens Attack
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|When Aliens Attack|
|Written by||Ken Keeler|
|Transcribed by||The Neutral Planet|
- [Scene: A view of the WNYW television building in New York. The caption "Earth: 1999" appears on the bottom of the screen.]
- [Cut to: WNYW Corridor. Fry hums as he walks through the corridor carrying a pizza box and a six pack of beer. He opens a door marked "WNYW Control Room". Next to the door an "On Air" sign is lit up.]
- [Cut to: WNYW Control Room. He walks through the door. In the room is a technician surrounded by broadcasting equipment.]
Fry: Pizza delivery! Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh?
Technician: Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
Fry: What are you showing right now?
- [The technician presses a button and a title appears on some screens.]
Technician: Single Female Lawyer. It's the season finale. Wanna watch?
Fry: Ah, I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programmes of the genre "world's blankiest blank".
Technician: She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt.
Fry: I'm in!
- [He sits down and the technician tosses him a can of Löbrau. On the screen is a judge and the single female lawyer, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Calista Flockhart. In fact the entire show is pretty much Ally McBeal.]
Judge: [on TV] Counselor, I remind you that it's unethical to sleep with your client. If you really care about the outcome of the case, you should sleep with me.
Single Female Lawyer: [on TV] Your Honour, it's bad enough to proposition a single female lawyer in court, but this is a unisex bathroom.
Judge: [on TV] Overruled, counselor!
- [He grabs her and they kiss. A cubicle door opens and a stenographer appears with a machine.]
Stenographer: [on TV] Could you repeat that last part?
- [Fry yawns and stretches and knocks over a can of beer. The equipment fizzles, crackles and the screens turn to static.]
Technician: Oh, my God! You've knocked Fox of the air!
Fry: Pft! Like anyone on Earth cares.
- [Scene: In a pullback sequence lifted from Contact the WNYW transmitter transmits the signal through the clouds, away from Earth, and out of the solar system to a planet called Omicron Persei 8 which intercepts the signal 1000 years later.]
- [Cut to: Omicronian Living Room. Two huge green aliens, Lrrr and Nd-Nd, watch Single Female Lawyer on their small oval TV.]
Stenographer: [on TV] Could you repeat that last par--
- [The picture cuts to static. Lrrr hits the TV with his fist.]
Lrrr: This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and her compellingly short garment.
- [The static on the TV changes to the Fox logo.]
Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] Due to technical difficulties, we now bring you eight animated shows in a row.
- [Lrrr growls and vaporises the TV with a laser.]
- [Opening Credits. Caption: Proudly Made On Earth.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender lie back on the couch. Fry holds a can of Slurm and Bender holds a can of beer. Enter Hermes.]
Hermes: What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boat bag!
- [He rolls up the paper and hits Bender with it.]
- [Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]
Fry: Ow! Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
Hermes: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
Fry: That's the one.
Hermes: Hot damn, a day off!
- [He takes off his jacket and shirt and sits between Fry and Bender. Bender hands him a beer. The rest of the staff walk in wearing and carrying various things. Zoidberg wears an old-fashioned green striped swimsuit and a lobster rubber ring around his waist; Amy wears a pink bikini and carries a fold-up chair; Leela wears her green swimsuit with the hole around the navel and carries a picnic bag; Farnsworth carries a red parasol and wears 3/4-length shorts, though he still wears his lab coat and slippers.]
Leela: Who's up for one last summer beach trip?
- [Bender and Hermes leap up.]
Bender: Aw, yeah!
Hermes: Ready, Freddy!
- [He unzips his trousers and they fall around his ankles revealing his swimming trunks underneath. Fry stays on the couch.]
Fry: [unenthusiastic] Eh, I think I'll just stay here.
Leela: Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world.
- [She walks between him and the TV. Fry peers around her.]
Fry: But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world!
- [Leela sighs.]
Leela: Everyone's too polite to say anything but you're covered with bed sores.
Fry: Not covered!
Leela: Just get in the car.
- [Scene: Car. Leela drives the crew across the desert in a dark blue convertible. With her in the front are Farnsworth and Fry. Fry has taken off his red jacket and swapped it for red shorts. Amy, Hermes and Zoidberg sit in the back and Bender lies across the three of them.]
- [Scene: Monument Beach Car Park. Leela parks in the packed car park and the crew get out.]
Farnsworth: Ah, here we are: Monument Beach!
- [Fry gazes at the beach. People climb the Great Sphinx of Giza and alongside it is St. Peter's Tower, the White House, Randy's Donuts, many moai of Easter Island, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Mount Rushmore.]
Fry: Wait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower of Pisa? I didn't know they were both in New York!
- [Leela unpacks some things from the boot.]
Leela: They are now. In the 2600's, New Yorkers elected a super-villain governor, and he stole most of the world's monuments.
Bender: Truly a great man. Look at him up there.
- [He looks up at the super-villain and whistles. The governor's head has been carved into the mountain next to the other presidents' heads.]
- [Scene: Monument Beach. Leela lies on a sunbed and picks up a tube of Tanning Butter from the arm. She squeezes some onto her legs and hums as she rubs it in. Zoidberg picks up a chunk of real butter and rubs it across his head and groans. Hermes walks across in front of Zoidberg, Amy and Leela with a metal detector. It beeps rapidly.]
Hermes: Aha! [He puts the metal detector down and digs in the sand.] Found you!
- [Bender's head pops up from the sand.]
Bender: OK, now you go hide. [Hermes puts the trowel down and hands Bender the metal detector and runs off. Bender throws the metal detector away and chuckles.] Nice knowin' you.
- [He runs to a sunbed, picks up a drink and closes his eyes.]
- [Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Zoidberg versus Amy and Leela in a beach volleyball game. Amy passes to Leela and she hits it over the net. It hits Farnsworth on the head and knocks him over. He groans. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns and throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth stands up.]
Farnsworth: Come on, Zoidberg, I passed it right to you.
- [Zoidberg scoffs.]
Zoidberg: I've had it with this game! I'm going for a scuttle!
- [He crouches down and scuttles into the water.]
- [Time Lapse. Leela is back on her sunbed and Bender is on his.]
Bender: OK, everyone, come and get it!
- [He opens his door. He has turned his chest cabinet into a grill and there are four cooked burgers on a wire rack. He takes one out and puts it in a bun and hands it to Fry. Fry takes a bite.]
Fry: Ah, just like my dad used to make ... until McDonald's fired him.
Bender: Bite my red-hot glowing ass. [Smoke rises from behind him.] Wait a minute. Red-hot glowing ass? [He turns around and sees his red-hot glowing ass. He turns back to Fry.] [calmly] I'll be right back! [He gets up and runs into the sea, waving his arms around.] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [His ass sizzles in the cool water.] Aw, yeah!
- [Amy, Leela and Fry eat their burgers while Farnsworth sleeps. Nibbler watches, licking his lips. Amy's burger slips out of the roll and onto her chest. Nibbler leaps up.]
Amy: No, Nibbler! [Nibbler runs off with the burger and her bikini top. She gasps and covers herself with the burger buns.] [whispering] Psst, Professor, I need another bikini.
- [Farnsworth wakes up.]
Farnsworth: Eh ... wha? [He sees her.] Oh, oh, OK, I think there's one can left. [He reaches into a bag next to him and takes out a spray can and hands it to her. She sprays it over her making a brand new pink bikini.] Oh, my.
- [She sprays the straps on her back and turns around.]
Amy: There. How do I look?
- [Farnsworth wiggles his glasses.]
Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.
- [Time Lapse. Fry finishes sculpting a sandcastle. A blonde guy stands over him and kicks the sandcastle in his face. Leela gasps and Fry spits the sand out. The guy turns to Leela.]
Bully: Say, doll-face, how'd you like to make time with a real man?
Leela: No. I'm not attracted to bullies. No matter how big and ... [He flexes his muscles.] ... handsome they are.
Fry: It's OK, Leela, go ahead. I got a lot of work to do.
Bully: Uh, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her.
Leela: Fry! Although I suppose we could go for a walk along the beach.
Bully: Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay.
- [He runs off and Leela sighs.]
- [Scene: Seabed. Zoidberg scuttles around the water and happens upon a pile of eight fish skeletons. He starts slurping them.]
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. [A lobster pot traps him.] Help! Help! [He knocks on the trap. Bender wanders by, whistling.] Bender, you gotta spring me. I'll never survive in here; I'm too pretty!
Bender: Alright, alright, I'll bust you out. [He bends the bars and spotlights shine on the pair and alarms beep.] Cheese it!
- [Then run off.]
- [Scene: Monument Beach. Fry finishes reconstructing his sandcastle.]
Fry: Voila. The greatest sandcastle ever built. This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in, if he were a fiddler crab.
- [Leela and Farnsworth gather round.]
Leela: It's very nice. We should get a picture before the tide comes in.
- [Amy, Zoidberg and Bender arrive.]
Fry: Ooh, yeah. Anyone have a camera?
Bender: Right here, buddy. [His left eyelid covers his left eye and his right eye zooms out. The rest of the staff kneel next to the castle.] Wait, I wanna be in the picture too. [He takes his head off and puts it on the ground. He pushes his antenna down and it flashes like a timer. His body joins the staff.] Pretend you're happy.
- [They smile.]
- [Their smiles fade when a huge shadow creeps over them. The camera goes off as the crew look up and see a huge grey alien saucer flying low overhead. The centre of it starts to open up. Everyone watches as it stops above the White House. The middle opens up and it blows up the White House à la Independence Day. Everyone screams.]
Leela: Oh, my God!
- [Hermes pokes his head up through the sand.]
Hermes: What in Babylon?
- [People flee as a fleet of saucers reduce the monuments to rubble and knock over the Leaning Tower of Pisa. A smaller saucer flies past the staff and destroys Fry's sandcastle. Fry falls to his knees and scoops up the sand.]
Fry: [screaming] Nooo!
- [Scene: Car. The crew return to New New York with alien saucers chasing them.]
- [Scene: Outside Planet Express. The car does a 180-degree skid outside the building and the crew run inside.]
- [A saucer blows up the car.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry peeps through the blinds and turns to the others.]
Fry: We're all gonna die, aren't we?
Farnsworth: Oh, I should think so. Although last time aliens invaded all they did was force the most intelligent of us to pair off and mate continuously. [chuffed] Oh, yes!
- [He sprays his throat. Bender turns on the TV to the news. Linda presents with a smile.]
Linda: [on TV] Once again, today's winning lotto number was 4. In other news, alien saucers continue to rain destruction upon Earth. We now go live to an emergency address by Earth President McNeal.
- [A picture in the corner fills the screen. McNeal, a middle-aged man with brown hair and a croaky voice, addresses people from different nations. A "President McNeal" caption is on the bottom of the screen.]
McNeal: [on TV] Ladies and gentlemen, our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot. Give our alien masters whatever they want a--
- [The TV cuts to static briefly then changes to Lrrr. His is now wearing a big red cape and is surrounded by several other Omicronians. He speaks into an old-fashioned microphone.]
Lrrr: [on TV] People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. [He taps the mic and turns to his aides.] Is this thing on? [He blows into it and turns back to the camera.] Now then: We want the one you call "McNeal". Give us McNeal or we will lay waste to your cities with our anti-monument laser. We demand McNeal!
- [The picture cuts out then back to a totally flabbergasted McNeal.]
McNeal: [on TV] Uh, as I was saying ... [He clears his throat.] ... mankind would sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous alien demands for this McNeal ... whoever he is. Am I right? [The representatives murmur to each other.] And now, the man who will lead us in our proud struggle for freedom, fresh from his bloody triumph over the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, 25-star General Zapp Brannigan!
- [He steps aside and Zapp takes the podium. The people cheer and applaud.]
Man: [cheering; on TV] Yeah!
- [Fry applauds and Leela groans.]
Bender: Hey, look, Leela, it's that idiotic windbag you slept with.
Leela: The Earth is under attack. Can't we just forget about that?
Bender: Evidently not.
Zapp: [on TV] Call me cocky, but if there's an alien out there I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go it alone. [He looks into the camera.] That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air.
- [Leela stands up.]
Leela: Well, you heard the windbag: We've been drafted. Everyone into the ship.
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I refuse to fight. I'm a conscientious objector.
Fry: A what?
Bender: You know, a coward.
Zapp: [on TV] Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated.
- [He holds up a remote control, points it at the camera and presses the button. Bender's antenna top flashes red and beeps and he stands up.]
Bender: It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity. [His antenna stops flashing.] Oh, crap!
- [Scene: A fleet of ships, including a yellow school bus and the Planet Express ship, fly away from Earth towards the hangar bay of the orbiting Nimbus.]
- [Scene: Nimbus Hangar Bay. The ships are moored and Zapp gives the assembled recruits a briefing. He walks down the ranks with Kif at his side.]
Zapp: We're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white, some of you are black. [He stops by a man and points at him.] You're brown. [He moves on to Bender.] And you're silver. But I don't care if your skin's red or tan or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together. [He looks back at Bender.] Am I right, soldier?
Bender: Well, actually, I-- [Zapp presses the remote again and Bender's antenna flashes and beeps.] Sir, yes, sir! Sir!
Zapp: Remember, our mission is simple: Destroy all aliens!
- [Kif raises his hand.]
Kif: Um, uh, not me, sir.
Zapp: Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif. [quietly] Unless you have to. [He sees Leela.] [talking] Oh, ho, ho! The luscious Captain Leela. [He starts rubbing his hands.] This is turning into one very sex-ay struggle for the future of the human race!
Leela: Thanks, but I'm not technically human.
Zapp: Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela either.
- [Scene: Nimbus Crew Bunkroom. The recruits are assembled around the beds.]
Zapp: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made bed. You will practise until you can make your bed in your sleep.
Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
Zapp: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier. Not with all the bed-making you'll be doing.
- [Scene: Nimbus Briefing Room. The recruits are dressed in DOOP uniforms and Zapp briefs them à la the briefing in Star Wars. He points at a display of an Omicronian saucer.]
Zapp: The alien mothership is in orbit here. If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. [Kif sighs and turns to a computer.] Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command, all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
- [Fry raises his hand.]
Fry: W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a--
- [Bender starts to choke him à la Homer Simpson to Bart in The Simpsons. His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry and salutes.]
Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission. [His antenna stops flashing and he bangs his head with his knuckles.] Aw, cut it out!
Zapp: You're a brave robot, son. But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission. Which reminds me. [He walks over to where Leela is sitting and puts his foot on the seat next to her. She folds her arms and isn't impressed.] Leela, perhaps before we head into battle you'd like to make love to me, in case one of us doesn't come back.
Leela: Maybe we should wait till afterwards, in case neither of us comes back.
Zapp: Here's hoping.
- [He salutes by tapping his heart, saluting from his head and blowing a kiss.]
- [Scene: The fleet flies around the moon towards the Omicronian mothership à la the X-Wing approach in Star Wars.]
- [Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry mans the controls and wears a helmet that looks like Luke Skywalker's.]
Fry: I'm gonna be a science-fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway, or Xena!
Leela: [on screen] Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?
Fry: Sure, I just like TV better.
- [He makes gunfire noises.]
- [Scene: The fleet attacks. Lasers fly in the Star Wars-esque battle. The Omicronians fire back on the fleet and blows up two ships flanking the Planet Express ship. It peels away, narrowly avoiding another laser beam.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela wrestles with the controls as alarms beep and smoke pours from the ceiling. She brushes the hair out of her eye and looks across the room.]
Leela: Bender, damage report.
Bender: The auxiliary power's out, and they spilled my cocktail.
- [He looks at the tipped over glass lying on the computer and the olive rolls off the edge.]
- [Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry narrows his eyes.]
Fry: Alright, scumwads. This one's for Bender's cocktail!
- [Scene: The Planet Express ship flies straight towards the saucer and Fry lets rip with 12 blasts from the laser. Leela turns the ship away and the Omicronian saucer creaks, groans and finally explodes in a spectacular fireball, complete with the obligatory flying tyre.]
- [Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry looks back at the explosion and cheers.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela stands up and waves her arms around.]
Leela: We did it! We won!
Bender: [sadly] Yeah, but it'll never bring back my martini. [He opens his chest cabinet.] [normal] Well, who wants a martini?
- [He takes a cocktail mixer out and shakes it.]
- [Time Lapse. Fry, Leela and Bender chink their glasses and raise a toast. The communication screen comes down from the ceiling.]
Zapp: [on screen] Good work, everyone. The mothership is destroyed.
- [Through the window they see several white dots filling the starfield.]
- [Scene: The dots form a circular shape outside and it flips over, revealing it to be another Omicronian saucer that is so huge it dwarfs the Nimbus.]
- [Cut to: Nimbus Briefing Room.]
Zapp: What the hell is that thing?
Kif: It appears to be the mothership.
Zapp: Then what did we just blow up?
- [Kif checks the screen beside him.]
Kif: The Hubble Telescope.
- [Scene: The battle continues. The real mothership destroys more ships and a Slurm lorry.]
- [Cut to: Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp and Kif watch the battle on screen.]
Zapp: [shouting] Stop exploding, you cowards!
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela drops her martini glass.]
Leela: This is hopeless. [She runs to the pilot's seat and sits down.] If we're gonna get blown to bits, we might as well do it in the comfort of our own home.
- [She pulls a lever on the seat.]
- [Scene: The ship jerks to a stop and reverses back towards Earth.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Farnsworth talks to a woman, a man and a robot who bear a striking resemblance to Leela, Fry and Bender. The woman is blonde and has two eyes; the man has brown hair that is combed down and he wears a green jacket; the robot is very crude and clunky.]
Farnsworth: You'll be the captain, you'll be the delivery boy, and you'll be the alcoholic, foul-mouthed-- [The door behind him opens and the real crew walk in.] Oh, God, you're alive. I mean, thank God you're alive! [He turns back to the others.] Sorry, check back in three days, a week at the most.
- [They leave and Lrrr crackles onto the TV.]
Lrrr: [on TV] We want McNeal! Stop stalling!
- [The scene changes to the news studio.]
Linda: [on TV] And now a rebuttal from President McNeal.
- [McNeal addresses the same people as before. Zapp is back with them.]
McNeal: [on TV] The people of Earth remain united in my refusal to hand over myself. Total annihilation is a small price to pay compared with--
- [Zapp steps forward and puts a sack over McNeal. As he drags him away the people applaud and a man kicks the sack.]
- [Scene: Outside Capitol Building. An Omicronian saucer is parked at the back of the building and there is a door at ground level. Zapp puts the sack down, knocks and runs a few feet back.]
Zapp: [shouting] Here he is! Come and get him!
- [The door slides up, revealing Lrrr and Nd-Nd. McNeal wriggles out of the sack and gasps.]
Lrrr: You are not McNeal.
Zapp: [simultaneous] Huh?
McNeal: [simultaneous] Huh?
Nd-Nd: You are not the one we want.
McNeal: [grovelling] Oh, thank you. Thank you, glorious masters! I--
- [Lrrr whips out a laser and vaporises McNeal. He crumbles into a pile of smoking dust. Zapp squeals and takes a step back.]
Lrrr: Give us McNeal!
Zapp: That was McNeal.
Nd-Nd: No, McNeal, the single female lawyer.
Lrrr: She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous.
- [Zapp rubs his chin.]
Zapp: [sexfully] Really?
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch on TV.]
Fry: Miniskirts? That sounds familiar.
- [Cut to: Outside Capitol Building.]
Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.
Zapp: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.
Lrrr: [shouting] Silence! [talking] We will accept no more decoys. [He holds up a headshot of the single female lawyer.] This is the McNeal.
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry stares at the headshot.]
Fry: Wait, I know her.
Leela: You do not, you big fat liar. You don't know anyone. All you do is watch TV.
Fry: That's where I know her from. She's Jenny McNeal. She was a character on a TV show back in the 20th century, Single Female Lawyer.
Bender: Well if they're hoping to see a TV show that hasn't existed for a thousand years, pft, they are royally boned.
Lrrr: [on TV] We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day, for five days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow -- 8 central!
- [The staff gasp.]
Farnsworth: [disappointed] I'm beginning to think there'll be no forced mating at all.
- [Scene: Lrrr and Nd-Nd's saucer hovers above New New York.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The entire staff are assembled around the table. Leela paces around.]
Leela: They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see some stupid TV show about some bimbo lawyer?
Fry: It's crazy! How could they even know about a show from a thousand years ago?
Farnsworth: Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand light years away. So the electro-magnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see--
Fry: Magic. Got it.
- [Amy types "single female lawyer" into a search engine and a page pops up.]
Amy: Check this out: Back in 1999 the season finale of Single Female Lawyer was interrupted by technical problems. Apparently some zidiot spilled Coke on the transmitter.
Fry: Beer-- I would think.
Bender: They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.
- [Amy searches some more.]
Amy: There aren't any copies left.
Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus.
Fry: Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode. If I could make up an ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves.
Zoidberg: I could make the costumes.
- [He cuts some material with his claw.]
Farnsworth: I have an old five-megawatt broadcasting tower in the attic.
Bender: [dramatically] And I, I could be an acting coach!
- [He whizzes his hand around.]
Fry: Let's put on a show.
- [Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. The ship has been moved to make way for a courtroom set. Hermes and Farnsworth makes some last-minute perfections to the set, Bender arranges things on the defendant's table and Zoidberg wheels a rail loaded with frilly clothes past Fry, Leela and Amy. Fry sits on a chair with the script.]
Fry: OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny--
Leela: Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays.
Amy: Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.
Leela: Gimme the script.
- [She snatches it from Fry.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Attic Roof. Farnsworth leans through a hatch and hooks up a satellite dish and points it at the nearby saucer.]
- [Cut to: Outside Omicronian Saucer. Lrrr climbs a ladder up to the roof and jabs an aerial into it.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. On the courtroom set Fry calls for his cast.]
Fry: Places, everyone.
- [Amy puts the finishing touches to Leela's make-up. She is dressed in a green suit and high heels.]
Amy: OK ... all set!
- [Leela turns around. Amy has attached a googly eye to the side of Leela's face. She flicks the pupil and it rolls around.]
Fry: Lights! [Bender opens his chest cabinet and a bright studio light shines from it.] Camera one! [Bender's right eye extends and whirrs.] Camera two! [Bender's left eye extends and whirrs.] Camera three!
- [Something whirrs in Bender's head but nothing else moves.]
- [Scene: Omicronian Saucer. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit in recliners in front of a TV screen with six other Omicronians sat around them.]
Lrrr: Prepare the water cooler, that we may gather around it later and discuss things.
- [He pulls the recliner lever and flicks the TV on. Bender holds up a crude sign with "Single Female Lawyer" written on it and sings.]
Bender: [singing; on TV] Single Female Lawyer,
Fighting for her client,
[He swaps the sign to one that says "Written and Directed by Fry".]
Wearing sexy miniskirts,
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]
Bender: [singing] And being self-reliant.
(talking) Hey, I'm pretty good!
- [He takes the sign away and the episode begins. Farnsworth is the judge, Zoidberg is the prosecutor and Leela is the defendant. Farnsworth and Leela hold their scripts.]
Farnsworth: Uh ... [reading] ... Jenny McNeal, you are charged with jury-tampering in last week's case ... [At the side of the set Fry watches on a TV screen that Bender is hooked up to. Bender scratches himself.] ... on account of your hot, naked affair with the foreman. How do you plead?
- [Leela stands up and looks at her script.]
Leela: [reading] Your Honour, I move for a mistrial, on the grounds that I'm also having a hot, naked affair with the foreman of this jury.
- [Amy and Hermes sit in the jury box with ten cardboard people. Hermes waves.]
Hermes: [sexfully] I'll see you during the recess!
- [Cut to: Omicronian Saucer.]
Lrrr: If McNeal wishes to be taken seriously why does she not simply tear the judge's head off?
Nd-Nd: It is true what they say; "Women are from Omicron Persei 7, men are from Omicron Persei 9".
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]
Farnsworth: [reading] Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.
Zoidberg: Gracias. [He stands up with his script behind him and walks over to the witness box where Leela is sat.] Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August 23rd?
Leela: Sleeping with you.
- [He jabs his claw in her fake eye and pulls it off her face. He sniffs it and eats it. Leela leafs through the script in a panic.]
Leela: Uh, g-- uh, getting back to the, uh, matter, uh-uh, if it please the court... [whispering] Fry, there's nothing else here. You only wrote two pages of dialogue.
Fry: Well, it took an hour to write. I thought it would take an hour to read.
- [Leela sighs.]
Leela: What are we supposed to do now?
Fry: I don't know, I don't know. Just say anything. As long as it's compelling, mesmerising, a tour de force.
Farnsworth: [reading] What say you, Single Female Lawyer?
Leela: I say ... I'm giving up the law. [She stands up.] And I'm giving up being single. Your Honour, will you marry me?
- [Amy and Hermes gasp. Bender makes dramatic incidental music noises. Fry buries his face in his hands.]
Fry: No, no! Go to commercial!
- [Bender puts the Single Female Lawyer card in front of the camera.]
Bender: We'll be back after this word from Crazy Bender's Discount Stereo.
- [He retracts his eye.]
Fry: Married? Jenny can't get married.
Leela: Why not? It's clever, it's unexpected.
Fry: But that's not why people watch TV. Clever things make people feel stupid, and unexpected things make them feel scared.
- [Lrrr crackles onto the screen.]
Lrrr: [on TV] : Attention, McNeal. Your unexpected marriage plan scares us. You stole our hearts as a single female lawyer, and so shall you remain -- or else!
Fry: You see? TV audiences don't want anything original. They wanna see the same thing they've seen a thousand times before.
Bender: [à la Arnold Jackson] Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Fry?
Fry: Trust me on this. While other people were out living their lives, I wasted mine watching TV, because deep down I knew it might one day help me save the world. Plus, I would have lost my Workman's Comp if I had gone outside. Now just read these cue cards.
- [He scrawls something on some big cards with a black marker.]
- [Time Lapse. The cast take their places. Fry holds up the cue cards.]
Fry: And action!
Farnsworth: [reading] Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I must decline your offer of marriage. For, you see, I'm dying. Cough, then fall over dead.
- [He smiles and just stares ahead.]
Zoidberg: [reading; unmoved] My God, he's dead.
- [Farnsworth checks his pulse.]
Leela: [reading] I will now make my closing statement. With my fiancé deceased ... [Farnsworth smiles weakly.] ... I hereby return to my single female lawyer career. No matter what any man says.
Hermes: We find the defendant vulnerable yet spunky!
Zoidberg: [cheering] Hooray!
Amy: [cheering] Hooray!
Fry: And ... cut!
Bender: [singing] Single Female Lawyer,
Having lot's of sex--
- [Lrrr cuts onto the TV. Nd-Nd drinks from the water cooler behind him.]
Lrrr: [on TV] Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+, OK, not great. [Nd-Nd sees she is in the shot and runs offscreen.] As a result, we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality.
Fry: Way to overact ,Zoidberg!
Lrrr: [on TV] And now we must return to our planet, to catch the end of a thousand-year-old Leno monologue.
- [He sweeps his cape over him and runs offscreen.]
- [Cut to: New New York City Street. The Omicronian saucers fly away and people come out from hiding. A white man hugs a black man, a Jew hugs an Arab and a clown hugs a nun.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch and cheer.]
Bender: You did it, Fry!
Fry: Yep. [He turns the TV on, sits down on the couch and puts his feet up on the table.] It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: At the end of the episode, everything's always right back to normal.
- [A pullback reveals New New York is a burning ruin. There is a crashed ship in the river and the flaming arm of the Statue of Liberty crumbles away.]
- [Closing Credits.]
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