Transcript:A Pharaoh to Remember
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|A Pharaoh to Remember|
|Written by||Ron Weiner|
|Transcribed by||The Neutral Planet|
- [Opening Credits. Caption: Psst ... Big Party At Your House After The Show!]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes, Bender, Leela, Fry, Scruffy and Amy are gathered around watching the TV.]
Linda: [on TV] Up next, daring daylight robbery at a municipal swimming pool.
Bender: Ooh! This is it! Turn me up!
- [Leela uses the remote to change Bender's volume control to maximum.]
Linda: [on TV] Earlier today, a foul-mouthed bandit robbed the municipal pool, making off with the contents of over three lockers.
Bender: More like three lockers and a sink!
Leela: Bender? Did you have something to do with this?
Bender: Of course not.
- [Hermes notices something Bender is wearing.]
Hermes: Holy spitz! He's sportin' skintight Speedos!
Amy: They don't leave much to the imagination.
Hermes: Actually, on a robot, they sorta do.
Morbo: [on TV] One puny human got a look at the robber...
- [Bender leans forward and rubs his hands together.]
Bender: Here we go. Here we go!
Morbo: [on TV] Describing him as a short, nasty, muscular...
Bender: Yeah, make me famous, big head!
Morbo: [on TV] Caucasian human male.
- [A picture appears on the screen of someone who looks vaguely like a human version of Bender.]
- [He takes Fry's beer bottle and throws it at the TV.]
Fry: Hey! Now what am I supposed to watch and drink all day?
Bender: This is an outrage. What's the point of pulling the biggest pool caper ever if nobody knows you did it?
Fry: Well, there's the material rewards.
Bender: You mean this junk? [He opens his chest cabinet and water floods out along with a beach ball, a float, a bikini top and a small child.]
Bender: [crying] All I ever wanted was for people to remember my name. [hoarse] It's Bender.
- [Farnsworth, sat at the table, looks up from a book.]
Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Why bother remembering anything? You're just going to forget it five seconds later.
Bender: [crying] It's so unfair. A debonair robot with a zesty in-your-face outlook doomed to obscurity like the rest of you, especially Leela. If I died tomorrow, no one would even notice.
- [He slides out of the room on the float.]
Scruffy: Boy, I've never seen him so down, or ever before.
- [Cut to: New New York City Street. Bender walks sadly down the busy street.]
Bender: How does a nobody like me get famous? [He sees a mailbox and gasps.] I know! [He puts his foot in it.] Hey, look! I'm stuck! But I haven't given up hope! Call a soft-news journalist!
Woman: You're not stuck.
Bender: [sadly] Shut up.
- [Time Lapse. Bender sees a group of roller-skaters ahead of him dancing. Skates come out of his foot cups and he starts dancing.]
Bender: Hey, everyone do The Bender! This move's called The Bender!
- [Everyone stops skating.]
Roller-Skater: Yo, hotwheels. This circle's about free expression, not fascist moves!
- [He pushes Bender away.]
- [Time Lapse. Bender comes to the end of the street and sees a white, windowless building ahead of him. He gasps.]
Bender: A blank wall! Fame is mine!
- [He runs towards the building, takes his head off and shakes it like a spray-paint can. His legs extend upwards towards the top of the building and he chuckles as he starts to spray something onto the wall.]
- [Time Lapse. The next morning, Bender stands back and admires his work. He has sprayed a huge picture of himself onto the wall, along with "Bender Lives Large And Kicks Butt!"]
Bender: There. Now no one will forget how I lived or my attitude regarding butt.
- [Behind him a crew of demolition workers arrive.]
Sal: Alrights, ladies, let's flush these artists lofts straights to hell!
- [He turns a switch and cracks appear in the building.]
Bender: [screaming] No!
- [The building collapses and Bender's picture folds inwards à la Mad magazine fold-ins. The picture of him has turned into a giant butt and the writing reads "Bender Licks Butt". The demolition crew laugh.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. Bender enters the darkened room, lit only by light streaming through the window.]
Bender: I'm the first one to work. A new low.
- [The lights go on and the staff, dressed in black, jump out from behind the sofa.]
- [Behind them is a coffin, a wreath, a banner reading "R.I.P. Bender" and one of Bender's mug shots.]
Fry: Happy funeral, Bender!
- [Bender gasps.]
Bender: A surprise funeral? For me?
- [Fry pats him on the shoulder.]
Fry: We just wanted to show you that you really will be remembered.
Zoidberg: [opening the coffin] Now if the deceased would kindly take his place of honour.
- [Bender climbs in.]
Bender: Ooh! Cushion-y! And a minibar!
- [Hermes plays a jazzy tune and Fry stands in front of the "mourners".]
Fry: Dearly beloved, we are here today to remember Bender, taken from us in the prime of life when he was crushed by a runaway semi driven by the Incredible Hulk.
Bender: Aw! You knew my favourite cause of death.
Fry: Now let us each remember the best things about Bender in our own way. Professor?
- [Farnsworth stands up and clears his throat.]
Farnsworth: Your standard bending unit is made of an iron-osmium alloy. But Bender was different. Bender had a point-04% nickel impurity.
Bender: [crying] It's what made me me.
- [Hermes stands up and takes Farnsworth's place.]
Hermes: If you ever needed a small package brought into the country without a lot of X-raying and such, Bender always had a free body cavity.
Bender: Eh, the Professor's was better.
Leela: Bender, shush. You're supposed to be dead.
- [Bender sits up.]
Bender: Say more about how great I am. And where's the crying? You people look like you're waiting for the bus.
- [He lies back. Zoidberg makes a bagpipe noise with his mouth flaps.]
Zoidberg: [singing] Oh, Danny-boy,
The pipes, the pipes are calling--
- [Bender sits up again.]
Zoidberg: [singing] From glen to glen and down--
Bender: Danny-boy? You're at my funeral, singing about some dead stiff named Danny-boy? You really are a massive bonehead.
Zoidberg: I'm expressing my sorrow.
Bender: Get lost! I'd say "Don't quit your day job" but you're awful at that too.
Leela: We're trying our best.
Bender: Your best is an idiot. Let's pick it up, people. So far it's been crap after crap! I croaked, now show me some love!
- [He lies down again. Amy stands up.]
Amy: Bender was a truly special--
Bender: [shouting] Louder and sadder.
Amy: [shouting] Bender was a truly special--
Bender: [shouting] Next!
- [Amy walks away crying. Preacherbot takes her place.]
Preacherbot: Dear Lord--
Bender: [shouting] Oh, next!
Zoidberg: [singing] Oh, Danny-boy--
- [Bender throws his glass at him. It breaks on his head and Zoidberg cries out in pain. Bender sits up.]
Bender: Come on! Surely there must be someone here who knows how great I was.
- [Fry stands up.]
Fry: Yes there is, Bender. Bender was a lot of things to a lot of people. But, looking back, the number one thing I can say about him is this, and simply this: Bender was my friend.
- [Bender pauses.]
Bender: What? That's it? Who are you? You're nobody! This is the worst funeral ever! [He pushes his legs through the bottom of the coffin and stands up.] I hope you're all happy. You've succeeded in convincing me life is worth living, by showing how bad my funeral will suck.
- [He throws some flowers off the coffin and walks out. The flowers land on Farnsworth's lap.]
Amy: I know whose funeral we'll be attending next!
Farnsworth: [bashful] Oh, stop!
- [Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Bender sits reading Sullen Robot Magazine while Leela uses his hand to tighten a nut on the steps of the ship. Enter Farnsworth.]
Farnsworth: News, everyone! Today you're going to Osiris 4 to deliver this enormous sandstone block.
- [He points to a massive block right next to him that is bigger than the ship.]
Fry: I thought something looked different in here.
- [Bender throws down his magazine, mutters to himself and walks onto the ship.]
- [Scene: The ship flies towards Osiris 4 with the sandstone block tied to the top of it.]
- [Cut to: Osiris 4 surface. It lands in a desert on the planet.]
- [Time Lapse. Leela pulls the ropes away from the block. Fry talks to an Osiran and two ancient Egyptian dog-like creatures. The man wears something similar to ancient Egyptian jewellery and his hair looks like it is made of solid gold.]
Fry: Hi. We have a giant stone to deliver. Sign here.
- [He hands the man a clipboard and he signs the invoice with an ancient Egyptian hieroglyph.]
Osiran: Ah, very nice. Much like the 10 million identical stones used in the future tomb of our great Pharaoh Hermenthotip.
- [He points to a sandstone building which is under construction.]
Leela: Impressive. Who's building it?
Leela: Say again?
Osiran: You are now slaves of the great Pharaoh Hermenthotip. Guards.
- [The guards shackle the crew to a pole and carry them away.]
Fry: Call it a hunch but I've got a bad feeling about this.
- [Scene: Slave Boat. The slaves row a boat down a river past other slaves. The slaves are shackled to benches.]
Fry: You know the worst thing about being a slave? They make you work but they don't pay you or let you go.
Leela: That's the only thing about being a slave!
Osiran: Attention. You are now possessions of the great Pharaoh Hermenthotip, heir to the Tenth Dynasty, bringer of the good aspects of the annual floods.
Fry: Incredible. This place is just like the Ancient Egypt of my day.
Osiran: That is no coincidence. For our people visited your Egypt thousands of years ago.
Fry: I knew it! Insane theories, one; regular theories, a billion.
Osiran: We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians, such as pyramid-building, space travel and how to prepare our dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello.
- [Fry laughs.]
Fry: Also Wolfman!
- [Bender whistles, impressed.]
Bender: Look at these swanky tombs! These people really know how to die.
Leela: Are you crazy? They worked thousands of people to death to make these stupid monuments.
Bender: Hey, you spend your whole life building a guy's toe and you're gonna remember him. [He looks across at a slave being whipped as he carves a stone toe.] I think I'm gonna like it here!
- [Scene: Market. Fry, Leela and Bender walk through the market with the Osiran behind them. A man makes an enquiry at a "Lose Weight Now - Ask Me How" booth.]
Man #1: Yeah, I, uh, noticed your sign and I thought I'd come over here and look into getting involved in your program.
Man #2: What we do is make you starve to death.
- [Scene: Outside Hermenthotip's Tomb. The slaves pull the giant sandstone block.]
Osiran: One, two, three, pull! [He whips them and they pull.] One, two, three, pull!
- [He whips them again. The Australian man from the Spa 5 labour camp is with them.]
Australian Man: Oh! Bloody chunder!
Bender: Pick it up, people. We're enslaved here to do a job. Master? Do we have to count to three every time? Couldn't we just count to one. Or better yet one-half?
Osiran: Good idea, slave. [He whips Bender and counts quicker.] One-half, pull! [He whips them.] One-half, pull!
- [He whips them.]
Bender: Now we're slavin'!
- [Time Lapse. Fry pushes a block up the side of the tomb and Leela pulls one up using a rope and a pulley. The Osiran stands on top of the block and whips her as she pulls.]
- [Time Lapse. Back at the bottom of the tomb, they pull another block.]
Bender: Come on, guys. Pharaoh's countin' on us. Work faster, like this. [He pushes a block up the side of the tomb and the Osiran runs after him, whipping as he goes. He stops to catch his breath.] You call that motivating me? Don't just whip with your arms. The power comes from your hips. Like this.
- [He takes the whip and whips himself. The rest of the slaves arrive with the block.]
Leela: Bender, quit giving the slave drivers pointers!
Fry: Yeah. Remember who your real friends are.
Bender: I'll tell you who I remember. [He points at some tombs.] Anopsis ... Pleotut ... Whatshisname. He was the greatest of all.
- [He salutes the tomb. Some horns blow.]
Osiran: Pharaoh Hermenthotip approaches.
- [The slaves bow. The horn blowers are whipped and they blow again. Hermenthotip's boat is carried from the water by slaves who were below the water line. They gasp for air.]
Bender: Hurry! Hurry! Pharaoh's coming! Get that nose in place. Come on!
- [The slaves haul the nose onto the tomb. Hermenthotip walks off the boat and the slaves bow. He walks past them and looks at the tomb.]
Hermenthotip: Excellent work! I am very proud of all you slaves.
- [Bender stands up and cheers.]
Bender: Viva Hermenthotip!
Hermenthotip: And now, I have a grand announcement. In honour of your achievement, you're all hereby--
- [The nose falls off the tomb and crushes him. The slaves gasp.]
Bender: [screaming] No!
- [He runs forward and lifts the nose away from the Pharaoh.]
Hermenthotip: [hoarse] Tell the slaves they can all go--
Bender: Go faster? I told them but they're so damn lazy.
Hermenthotip: [hoarse] No. I mean they are all free--
Bender: Free-loading off you? I agree.
Hermenthotip: [hoarse] No, I--
- [He dies. The slave driver puts a sheet over his body.]
Osiran: Pharaoh Hermenthotip is dead.
Bender: [crying] He's whippin' angels now.
- [Time Lapse. Night has fallen and hundreds of slaves are gathered for Hermenthotip's funeral. Fry, Bender, Leela, the Australian man and some other slaves carry Hermenthotip's coffin and lower it into a hole.]
High Priest: We commend the body of Hermenthotip to the abode of the damned. The damned good looking! [He grins but no one laughs.] Pharaoh commanded me to tell that joke at his funeral.
Bender: [crying] I'll always remember you, Hermenthotip!
High Priest: To equip Pharaoh for his journey, we bury him with his favourite possessions. Such as his heart and liver. [The slaves lower some canopic jars into the hole.] And the many goods he left in his royal garage. [A pickup truck back up to the hole and tips Hermenthotip's stuff into it.] Also, this bag of cats our culture considers holy.
- [He tosses in a bag of live cats.]
- [Time Lapse. An pseudo-Elton John singer plays a piano and sings a song dedicated to the Pharaoh.]
Singer: [singing] Pharaoh my God-king,
You are cold and deceased,
I used to have him sing...
- [Time Lapse.]
Singer: P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets...
- [Time Lapse.]
Singer: But the years went by,
And Pharaoh died,
Suzie will have joined him in the afterlife--
- [The High Priest pushes him into the hole.]
Osiran: Hermenthotip is gone. The time to designate a new Pharaoh is at hand.
- [The tomb lights up.]
Osiran: At dawn tomorrow, the high priest will consult the Wall of Prophecy to determine Hermenthotip's successor. [He points across the river at the illuminated wall. Bender hoots.] That concludes the funeral. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
- [Scene: Liberty Meadows Slave Quarters. The slaves sit around in a room.]
Fry: Can you believe it? Pharaoh's dead!
Slave #1: Yes! Tonight we are slaves to no one, except the rhythm!
- [He plays bongos. The Australian man stands up and plays some panpipes and another slave plays a tambourine.]
Leela: Yeah! Play those bongos!
Fry: I'm gonna spin till I fall down!
- [He spins almost once and falls down. Bender cackles and sneaks out.]
- [Cut to: Outside Liberty Meadows Slave Quarters. Bender sees the dog-guards. Their backs are turned to him. He takes a ball out of his chest cabinet and throws it. The dogs see it and run after it, barking. Bender runs off in the opposite direction.]
- [Scene: Wall of Prophecy. Bender sneaks around to the front of it and takes a hammer out of his chest cabinet.]
Bender: We interrupt this ancient prophecy to bring you late-breaking bulletin. He hammers the back of his head and creates and imprint of himself on the wall.
- [Time Lapse. The next morning, the High Priest and four other priests stand in front of the wall and the slaves watch.]
High Priest: Great Wall of Prophecy, reveal to us God's will that we may blindly obey.
Priests: [chanting] Free us from thought and responsibility.
High Priest: We shall read things off you.
Priests: [chanting] Then do them.
High Priest: Your words guide us.
Priests: [chanting] We're dumb.
- [The slaves watch from below.]
Fry: You know what else stinks about being a slave? The hours.
- [Leela covers her face with her hand in disbelief.]
High Priest: The prophecy is strange and crudely drawn at best. It indicates that, we are "here" and our next Pharaoh is over there, near some ... tents.
Bender: [shouting; from reeds] Those are waves, jackass. It's supposed to be a river!
- [The slaves murmur to each other.]
Fry: Hey. I think I know who the next Pharaoh is!
Leela: Oh, Lord!
High Priest: We hear your voice, oh, great Pharaoh. Reveal yourself to us.
- [Bender stands up.]
Bender: Behold! I have emerged from the place of spells and fairies!
High Priest: It is he. Just as the Wall of Prophecy prophesied. [He points at Bender's imprinted face on the wall.] Long live Pharaoh Bender!
- [All the slaves except Fry and Leela bow.]
Slaves: [chanting] Long live Pharaoh Bender!
Leela: This society is a bunch of idiots.
- [Scene: Outside Pharaoh's Palace. The High Priest and priests stand on a balcony addressing the slaves.]
High Priest: People of Osiris 4, please welcome a man who started as a slave but worked his way up to Lord of All Creation! Our new Pharaoh, Bender!
- [The crowd cheers and Bender dances out to a riff of The Bangles' Walk Like An Egyptian.]
Bender: Citizens of Me! The cruelty of the old Pharaoh is a thing of the past. [The crowd cheers.] Let a whole new wave of cruelty wash over this lazy land.
- [The crowd cheers then realises what he has said.]
Leela: What did he say?
Bender: Hear the word of Pharaoh. Build unto me a statue of ridiculous proportion. One billion cubits in height ... [The priests gasp.] ... that I might be remember-ed for all eternity. And be quick about it!
- [The slaves are whipped.]
- [Scene: Bender's Statue. Fry and Leela crawl along the floor with Bender sat on a throne on their backs. An old slaves struggles as he pulls some logs.]
Bender: Lowly slave, why are you not working?
Slave #2: I am.
Bender: I meant yourself to death.
Slave #3: Mighty Pharaoh, it hurts when I breathe.
Bender: Well then what do you think you should stop doing? [He taps Fry and Leela with his foot.] Crawl, pigs!
- [He whips them.]
- [They crawl forward.]
Bender: The Pharaoh has spoken.
- [Montage: The slaves haul the massive leg of Bender's statue upright as he watches from his palace. The ground shakes as the leg is moved into position. He whips two architects as they look at the design for the ass. Fry takes a "1" to a "-- Days Since Last Accident" sign but, instead of hammering the "1" on, he hammers his hand to the sign. The "1" falls to the ground and Fry bends down to pick it up but can't reach it.]
- [Scene: The statue is almost finished. The foot is positioned so it looks like it is about to crush Hermenthotip's tomb. Up in space, the slaves, in spacesuits, lift Bender's antenna ball to the top of the statue. Bender floats near them wearing a jet pack.]
Bender: Your task is nearly completed. Don't let down Pharaoh now.
- [He whips them and glides away.]
- [Scene: Bender's Statue. A stage has been set up at the foot of the statue and the Osiran and the priests stand next to something covered with a sheet.]
Osiran: The great monument is finished, oh Pharaoh. And now, the unveiling.
- [He pulls the sheet away revealing Bender underneath it. Bender looks up at the statue. Skeletons are sticking out of the foot. The statue speaks in a booming voice and its mouth lights up with each syllable.]
Statue: Remember me. [A jet of fire comes from its eyes.] Remember me. [Another jet.] Remember me.
Osiran: Does it please you, my lord?
Bender: Hmm ... it's a good start. Uh, yeah, it's definitely big alright. I just wonder if it's too big, y'know? I mean, are people gonna be remembering me or the statue?
High Priest: But, sire, we made it to your exact specifications.
Bender: Too exact if you ask me. Tear it down and try again. But this time don't embarrass yourselves.
- [He takes a sip of his drink. The Osiran walks behind him and he and the priests mutter something to each other. They jump forward and wrap Bender in bandages. The High Priest turns to the crowd.]
High Priest: Ladies and gentlemen, the Pharaoh suddenly died.
- [The slaves cheer and the priests throw Bender into his tomb.]
Leela: Good riddance.
Bender: [shouting; from tomb] What about my servants?
Priest: Oh, yeah.
- [They throw in Fry and Leela and seal the tomb.]
- [Cut to: Tomb. Fry and Leela hit the hard floor. Leela lights a match and Bender stands in front of the still wrapped in the bandages.]
Fry: Bender, I really hope that's you. 'Cause if it isn't ... we're in trouble!
- [Bender pulls some bandages away from his face.]
Leela: You jerk. Why'd you have to drag us along?
Bender: I wanted to watch you remember me.
- [He turns on a light. The entire tomb is fitted out like a casino.]
Leela: Did you really think you'd need all this junk in the afterlife?
Bender: Afterlife? Pft. If I thought I had to go through a whole other life I'd kill myself right now.
Leela: Well rot in peace. Fry and I are leaving.
Bender: Sorry, but we're totally sealed in. [He knocks the wall.] Nothing can get in or out. Except millions of snakes. [Snakes pour in from the eyes on a picture of Bender à la the snakes in Raiders Of The Lost Ark. Fry screams.] Here, have a pomegranate schnapps from my private distillery and start sharing fond memories of me, Bender.
- [Fry sips some and spits it out.]
Fry: What proof is this? Some huge number?
- [Leela lights the drink and it explodes.]
Leela: It's explosive! Maybe we could escape by setting fire to the distillery and blowing this whole place to rubble! [She jumps onto a wooden statue of Bender.] Let's get a little kindling going!
- [She breaks away part of the leg and stacks the wood underneath the distillery. Bender dives in front of her.]
Bender: No! You can't blow up my monument. I won't be remembered.
Leela: Oh, right, how selfish of me. We'll just stay here forever. Hey, Fry? Remember that robot "Bender"?
- [She nudges him.]
Fry: Bend-er? Doesn't ring a bell. [Bender gasps.] Did you hear something, Leela?
Leela: No. But I bet it wasn't someone who was good at stealing.
- [Bender hits his head.]
Bender: Stop it, stop it! It's not right! You've crossed a line.
Fry: Hey, Leela, you know who I remember?
Bender: Oh, please, let it be me.
Fry: That guy who used to bend things. You know?
Bender: Me, please!
Bender: Alright, alright! If it means that much to you, blow up my statue.
Leela: Oh, Bender! When did you come in? Hold still!
- [She spins the bandages off him.]
- [Time Lapse. Fry turns the distillery taps on and starts flooding the room. Leela uses the bandages as a fuse and takes a torch off a wall.]
Leela: Let's blow this tomb!
- [She lights the bandage.]
- [Cut to: Osiris 4 Surface. The statue starts to shake and the foot splits apart. Bender, Leela and Fry run through the hole and past some slaves.]
Slave #1: Pharaoh Bender! He once more walks among the living.
Bender: [running past] How we doing?
- [They run up the ships steps.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela presses some buttons and the ship takes off. Bender looks at his statue through the windscreen as the ship rises past it.]
Statue: Remember me.
Bender: [crying] I will. I will.
- [Scene: The ship speeds away from Osiris 4 and the statue explodes, sending a shockwave across the desert.]
- [Scene: Ships Cockpit. Leela comforts Bender.]
Bender: Please, just leave me alone.
- [He turns around, hugs Leela and bursts into tears.]
Leela: Bender, I understand your desire to be remembered. But you don't need a statue for that.
Bender: [crying] I don't?
Leela: No. You have your legacy as a brutal, tyrannical dictator, and that will outlive any monument.
Bender: You really think they'll remember me?
Bender: Well in that case. One planet down! Helmsman...
- [Scene: The ship flies towards a planet.]
Bender: [from ship] Set course for Earth!
- [He cackles.]
Leela: [from ship] That's not Earth.
Bender: [from ship] Oh.
- [The ship zooms away from the planet.]
- [Closing Credits.]
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