Transcript:All the Presidents' Heads
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|All the Presidents' Heads|
|Written by||Josh Weinstein|
|Transcribed by||Sanfazer and Jasonbres|
- [Opening Credits. Caption: APPLY VIEWING OIL NOW]
- [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters, afternoon.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Professor Farnsworth enters and walks up to the conference table.]
Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Remember when you asked to see my family tree?
- [Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy, and Fry are sitting at the conference table. Leela is reading a book and Hermes and Amy are playing cards.]
Professor Farnsworth: Ta-da! [Professor Farnsworth activates the holographic projector. The holographic projector shows a tree filled with spheres. Professor Farnsworth touches one of the spheres.] This is my ancestor Philo Farnsworth, inventor of television and, as a bonus, childhood obesity. [The sphere enlarges and shows a television screen depicting a man who resembles Professor Farnsworth. Professor Farnsworth touches another sphere.] And here's Dean Farnsworth, developer of the Farnsworth test for colour blindness. [The sphere enlarges and shows a set of coloured balls depicting another man who resembles Professor Farnsworth. Professor Farnsworth adjusts his glasses.] Where is he, blast it?! [Professor Farnsworth touches a third sphere.] And, just recently, I learned of a modern-day Farnsworth, who invented the anti-senility truss.
- [The sphere enlarges and shows Professor Farnsworth.]
Leela: That's you, Professor.
- [Leela points at Professor Farnsworth.]
Professor Farnsworth: Wha?! [Professor Farnsworth's belly enlarges until his sweater and his pants are separated. Professor Farnsworth is wearing a metallic truss. The metallic truss unleashes several sparks. Professor Farnsworth adjusts his clothes.] Ah, yes. The Farnsworths boast a proud and distinguished lineage. No wormy fruit on this tree.
Amy: What about Fry? [Fry is snoring.] Isn't he your distant uncle?
Professor Farnsworth: Very distant. Not a true Farnsworth, mind you. [A fourth sphere shows Fry. The sphere's branch is filled with fungus and dung beetles.] He's way over here on this filthy branch riddled with fungus and dung beetles.
- [Professor Farnsworth walks up to the branch. The branch falls off and on top of Fry. Fry stops snoring.]
Fry: What's with the seventeen dung beetles?
- [The dung beetles run across the conference table. Amy raises her arms in disgust. Bender squashes one of the dung beetles. On the other side of the conference table are a hanger with a hat on it and Hermes. Hermes is looking at a watch on his right arm and holding a suitcase with his left hand. The hologram disappears.]
Hermes: Well, it's six o'clock. [Hermes removes the hat from the hanger and puts it on.] I guess we'll have to deliver that Human heart tomorrow. Good work, people!
- [Hermes waves and leaves. Bender raises his arms in excitement.]
Bender: Woohoo! Time to go clubbin'. [With his right hand, Bender opens his chest cabinet and grabs a baseball bat. Bender's chest cabinet closes itself.] Baby seals, here I come.
- [Bender hits his left hand with the baseball bat three times and leaves. Fry stretches, stands up, and adjusts his back.]
Fry: Guess I better head over to my night job.
Leela: You have a night job?
Fry: Yup. It's exhausting, but I need the extra money to buy coffee so I can stay awake for my night job.
Fry: Gotta go!
- [Fry waves and leaves.]
- [Scene: Outside the Head Museum, night. Fry is wearing a suit and flies through the Tube Transport System.]
Fry: [extendedly] Woo!
- [Fry falls on his head and grunts, then falls on his back and screams.]
- [Cut to: Dr. Cahill's office. There is a table. Abraham Lincoln's head is standing on it and Dr. Cahill is leaning against it. Abraham Lincoln's beard is filled with something green.]
Dr. Cahill: You've got a surprising amount of algae in your beard, Mr. President. Just sit still and let the algae eater do its work.
- [Dr. Cahill lifts up a fishing net and uses it to drop an algae eater in Abraham Lincoln's jar. The algae eater bites Abraham Lincoln's head repeatedly.]
Abraham Lincoln's head: Ooh! Ow! [The algae eater bites Abraham Lincoln's mole.] Ooh! Lay off my trademark mole.
- [Fry enters. A purse is between Abraham Lincoln's head and Dr. Cahill.]
Dr. Cahill: Hi, Lars.
- [Fry shrugs.]
Dr. Cahill: Whatever. [Dr. Cahill opens and closes the purse.] I'm heading out to my night job. [Dr. Cahill walks up to the door.] Remember: No loud noise, no head bowling, and no parties. Or it'll be your ass in a jar!
- [Dr. Cahill points at Fry.]
Fry: I wanna go to that museum!
- [Fry points at something in front of him.]
- [Cut to: The Hall of Presidents. Twenty-eight Presidential heads can be seen. Fry has entered and is steering a cart with a bag labelled PRESIDENT CHOW on it. Inside the bag is a spoon. Fry feeds Grover Cleveland's head.]
Bill Clinton's head: Man, this place is a snooze. Hey, Fry, I challenge President Taft 'ere to a pie-eatin' contest.
William Taft's head: You're on, skinny!
Fry: Sorry, guys. You know the rules. "No fun allowed."
Andrew Jackson's head: Come on, you pansy! I'm thirsty. I want me some Tennessee loopy juice!
Warren Harding's head: And I want loose women. The kind that aren't afraid to show a little ankle.
James Madison's head: [creepily] Or elbow.
- [James Madison's head smiles.]
Fry: No visitors! I'll lose my job.
Rutherford B. Hayes' head: Oh, boo-hoo! I'll lose my minimum-wage job.
- [All the Presidents' heads begin laughing.]
Fry: You're mean, Rutherford B. Hayes!
- [Fry points at Rutherford B. Hayes' head. All the Presidents' heads stop laughing.]
Franklin D. Roosevelt's head: Listen here, young man! We have nothing to fear but running out of beer.
- [Fry sighs.]
Fry: Alright. One small get-together. But let's keep it quiet and dignified.
- [Time lapse. There is music. Zoidberg is holding a bottle of beer with his left hand, dancing, and waving around his coat with his right hand.]
Zoidberg: [quickly] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- [The camera zooms out, revealing that Zoidberg is standing on top of the heads of Ashlee Douglas and Tyler Barnette, who are standing on top of the heads of Zoe Washburne, David Torres, and Bob Glass; Scruffy and Amy are dancing; Amy is holding a bottle of beer with her right hand; and Fry is holding Dwight D. Eisenhower's head with both his hands and walking. The camera pans over to Professor Farnsworth, Hermes, Leela, and Bender. Professor Farnsworth is holding a bottle of beer with his left hand, Hermes is dancing, Leela is holding a bottle of beer with her left hand and dancing, and Bender is holding a bottle of beer with his right hand.]
Bender: Woohoo! Yeah, alright!
- [Bender laughs, throws his bottle at a shelf, shattering it, grabs one of the six bottles in Calvin Coolidge's jar, and pops it open. Scruffy, Leela, and Hermes have already popped open theirs.]
Scruffy, Leela, Hermes, and Bender: Four more beers! Four more beers!
- [Scruffy, Leela, Hermes, and Bender drink. Amy throws a coin into Dwight D. Eisenhower's jar.]
Amy: Yes! Right in the ike!
James Madison's head: [creepily] Nice elbow action.
- [James Madison's head laughs nervously. The camera pans over to Hermes and Thomas Jefferson's head.]
Hermes: So... You grow hemp?
Thomas Jefferson's head: Yes.
Hermes: And... You do what with it?
Thomas Jefferson's head: All manner of things. Manufacture paper, fabric, rope...
Hermes: Oh. Well, nice talking to you.
- [Hermes goes away.]
Thomas Jefferson's head: Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day.
- [Hermes comes back, running.]
Hermes: Let me give you my pager number.
- [Hermes lifts up a piece of paper with his right hand. The music stops. Professor Farnsworth walks up to Ronald Reagan's head.]
Professor Farnsworth: Hey, Reagan. Remember when you asked to see my family tree?
- [Professor Farnsworth lifts up a spherical device with both his hands.]
Ronald Reagan's head: I asked you to leave me alone.
- [Professor Farnsworth presses a button on the spherical device with his right hand. The spherical device shows a tree filled with spheres that is smaller than the one seen earlier.]
Professor Farnsworth: The Farnsworths are a remarkable—
George Washington's head: [off camera] Farnsworth?! [The camera pans over to George Washington's head. George Washington's head spits in his jar's glass.] That name is a stain on American history! One of the worst traitors of the Revolution was a Farnsworth!
- [Professor Farnsworth has walked up to George Washington's head.]
Professor Farnsworth: You're lying!
- [Professor Farnsworth points at George Washington's head. The camera zooms out, revealing Leela.]
Leela: [whispering] He's George Washington! He tends not to do that!
- [Leela points at George Washington's head.]
George Washington's head: David Farnsworth was a notorious British agent and counterfeiter. [The camera zooms in on George Washington's head.] He conspired to bring down our nation with his fraudulent currency.
- [George Washington's head lifts up a piece of paper with his Robotic right hand. The camera zooms in on the piece of paper. The piece of paper reads Colony of Maƒƒachuƒetts - TWO THIRDS OF A DOLLAR, According to a Reƒolution of CONGRESS, paƒƒed at PHILADELPHIA - c. 1775 Philad. - No. 178669 and has an indistinctive signature and a logo with MIND YOUR BUSINESS on it. Professor Farnsworth grabs it with his left hand and looks at it.]
Professor Farnsworth: A Farnsworth did this?! [Professor Farnsworth holds the piece of paper with his right hand and puts his left hand on his head.] Oh, dear! My good name is ruined!
- [Professor Farnsworth sits on Gerald Ford's head.]
Gerald Ford's head: Hi! I'm Jerry. I like movies.
- [Time lapse. There is music. Amy is holding a bottle of beer with her left hand, Professor Farnsworth is sitting on Gerald Ford's head, Zoidberg is dancing with his coat on, Leela is dancing with Martin Van Buren's head against her breasts, Hermes is holding a bottle of beer with his right hand and dancing, and Fry is holding a bottle of beer with his right hand, dancing, and drinking. The eyes of Leela and Fry are closed. Amy kisses a jar. Martin Van Buren's head stares at Leela's breasts with a smile on his face. The camera zooms out, revealing Bender.]
Bender: Anyone seen Ulysses Grant? [Leela opens her eyes, looking at Bender.] He owes me a cheroot.
- [Leela turns to her right.]
Leela: He's over there, pukin' in the Bushes.
- [Bender looks at Leela and turns to the same direction. Ulysses Grant, who is on a shelf, prepares to vomit in the jars of George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush, who are on the floor.]
- [Dr. Cahill enters, perusing a set of paper sheets, and looks surprised. The music stops playing. Zoidberg, Fry, Leela, and Professor Farnsworth gasp. Leela drops Martin Van Buren's head on the floor. Martin Van Buren's jar shatters.]
Fry: Oh, boy.
- [Dr. Cahill has crossed her arms.]
Dr. Cahill: [angry] Mr. Fry! [Dr. Cahill uncrosses her arms and walks up to Fry as she looks around.] Why are all these people standing around? [Dr. Cahill grabs a bottle of beer with her right hand and throws the set of paper sheets away with her left hand.] [happy] When they should be partying!
- [Amy is holding her bottle of beer with her right hand.]
Amy, Bender, and Hermes: Alright!
- [James Polk's head presses a button on a stereo with his Robotic left hand. The music resumes playing. Zoidberg lifts up Lyndon Johnson's head.]
Zoidberg: Hey, hey, LBJ. You wanna get drunk?
Lyndon Johnson's head: Oh, hell, yeah. [Zoidberg begins drinking the water in Lyndon Johnson's jar.] Whoa!
Professor Farnsworth: Zoidberg, no! [Professor Farnsworth and Amy run towards Zoidberg.] The effects of jar juice aren't fully understood!
- [Professor Farnsworth and Amy separate Zoidberg and Lyndon Johnson's head. Amy puts Lyndon Johnson's jar on top of another jar.]
Zoidberg: Uh... Not bad. A hint of vitalis and—
- [Zoidberg screams. Zoidberg's eyes turns to plasma, but go back to normal in a moment. However, a plasma sphere has appeared in his chest. The plasma sphere becomes larger, consuming him, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy whole, becomes brighter, dazzling Leela and Bender, and disappears.]
- [Cut to: Wall. Three Campbell's Soup paintings can be seen. The plasma sphere appears, forms the figures of Professor Farnsworth, Zoidberg, and Amy, and disappears. Professor Farnsworth has a flower on his head, hair, beard, different glasses, and a necklace; Zoidberg has hair, a suit, and different shoes; and Amy has different hair, an earring, a dress, a bracelet, and different boots.]
Amy: I recognise this! [The camera zooms out, revealing Professor Farnsworth to be barefoot.] It's the 1960s! [Zoidberg touches Professor Farnsworth's beard. Professor Farnsworth looks angry and moves away from Zoidberg.] I did a report on it for my drug-taking class.
- [A blond man walks up to Zoidberg.]
Blond man: Hi. I'm Andy Warhol and you're some kind of... Marvellous lobster man.
Zoidberg: Right on! Say, you got any real soup or just this schlock?
- [The plasma sphere appears in Zoidberg's chest, becomes larger, consuming Zoidberg whole, and disappears.]
Andy Warhol: What a horrid bore.
- [Cut to: The Hall of Presidents. The music has stopped playing. The plasma sphere appears, forms the figures of Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy, and disappears. Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy are back to normal.]
Professor Farnsworth: Ooh.
Zoidberg: Far out! That head gave me a total head trip!
- [Zoidberg puts his left claw on his head.]
Fry: Really?! [The camera pans over to a shelf.] I'm gonna lick Herbert Hoover's head!
- [Fry points at Herbert Hoover's head.]
Zoidberg, Leela, Amy, Hermes, and several heads: Lick the head! [Bender has picked up Herbert Hoover's head and is holding it in front of Fry.] Lick the head!
- [Fry licks Herbert Hoover's head and Bender puts it back on the shelf. The plasma sphere appears, becomes larger, consuming Leela, Hermes, Fry, and Bender whole, and disappears.]
- [Cut to: Bar. A bartender and two customers are there. The plasma sphere appears, forms the figures of Leela, Hermes, Fry, and Bender, and disappears. Leela has different hair, a scarf, evening gloves, a dress, and high heels; Hermes and Fry have a hat, a tie, a different suit, and different shoes; and Bender has a hat and a bow tie.]
Bender: Whoa! A speakeasy. [Bender raises his right hand, then raises his left hand, and puts both his hands on the counter.] One prohibited beverage, please.
- [The bartender turns to his right.]
Bartender: Hey, Dutch. The new still is here.
- [The bartender puts a jug of draught beer on the counter.]
Bender: I'm not a still! [The bartender turns to Bender. Bender points at himself with his right hand and puts his right hand back on the table.] I just smell like one!
- [A siren goes off. The camera pans over to the window, behind which a light is flashing. A car-drifting sound and a door-opening sound can be heard.]
Male voice: Dutch Schultz, come out with your bootleg whisky. We're thirsty!
- [Several shots are fired against the wall from the outside. Hermes, Fry, Bender, and Leela duck. Bender tries to reach for the jug on the counter, but it is shattered by another shot. Bender grunts. The plasma sphere appears, becomes larger, consuming Hermes, Fry, Bender, and Leela whole, and disappears.]
- [Cut to: The Hall of Presidents. Amy, Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, and Dr. Cahill can be seen. The plasma sphere appears, forms the figures of Hermes, Bender, Fry, and Leela, and disappears. Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy are back to normal.]
Hermes: What the heck is goin' on?! Jefferson, did you sell me some bad rope?!
Professor Farnsworth: It must have something to do with the jar fluid. [Professor Farnsworth puts his left hand in Thomas Jefferson's jar, takes it out, and smells it.] Aha! [Professor Farnsworth turns to Dr. Cahill.] Dr. Cahill, do I detect a trace of opal essence?
Dr. Cahill: Very observant, Professor. To preserve the heads, we use a rare form of powdered crystalline opal. [Dr. Cahill opens a safe and grabs a test tube filled with powdered crystalline opal with her right hand.] This is the world's entire supply. [Dr. Cahill holds the test tube with her left hand.] Yet it's so powerful, it should last a thousand years. It keeps the heads alive, but... We don't know how.
Amy: Why did it give us those hallucinations?
- [Professor Farnsworth turns to Amy and raises his left hand.]
Professor Farnsworth: Because it didn't!
- [Professor Farnsworth moves away from Amy.]
Amy: Uh... Yuh-huh!
- [Dr. Cahill is still holding the test tube. Professor Farnsworth is pointing at it.]
Professor Farnsworth: Opal has unusual temporal properties. [Professor Farnsworth turns to the others and illustrates the situation with both his hands.] It preserves each head in a time-stasis bubble. Ergo, licking those heads actually sent us back in time to their original eras. [Professor Farnsworth points at a painting on the wall resembling Shot Marilyns that bears Zoidberg's face instead of Marilyn Monroe's. To its left, there is a sign reading UNWELCOME GUEST - 1968.] Look!
Zoidberg: Fuh! Schlock and more schlock!
- [The camera pans over to Bender. Bender's chest cabinet is opened by Dutch Schultz.]
Dutch Schultz: Pssst! Is the coast clear?
Bender: Button your yap, you mug!
- [Bender closes his chest cabinet.]
Professor Farnsworth: I've discovered a new means of time travel! I'll call it the Farnsworth effect!
- [George Washington's head spits in his jar's glass.]
George Washington's head: Nice try. [Professor Farnsworth looks at George Washington's head.] But even this discovery won't undo the treachery wrought by your nefarious ancestor David Farnsworth.
Professor Farnsworth: It will if we go back in time and stop him!
- [Professor Farnsworth takes the test tube from Dr. Cahill's left hand and pours the entire supply of powdered crystalline opal in George Washington's jar. Leela, Fry, Hermes, and Bender gasp. Professor Farnsworth removes George Washington's head from the shelf and licks it three times.]
Leela: Professor, no! [Leela and Fry run towards Professor Farnsworth and hold him. Bender runs towards George Washington's head and removes his jar from Professor Farnsworth's hands.] You can't tongue the father of our country!
- [The plasma sphere appears, becomes larger, consuming Bender, Professor Farnsworth, Leela, and Fry whole, and disappears. George Washington's head falls on the floor.]
- [Cut to: Meadow. The plasma sphere appears, forms the figures of Fry, Professor Farnsworth, Leela, and Bender, and disappears. Fry, Professor Farnsworth, and Leela have hats, different hair, different clothes, and different shoes; and Bender has a hat and his antenna slicked back.]
Fry: Where are we? Also, when are we?
Professor Farnsworth: 68th and Broadway, colonial era. [A cowbell-ringing sound is heard and a cow is seen. The cow moos.] Rush hour.
- [Farnsworth, Fry, Bender, and Leela are seen walking down the street of Colonial era New York]
Professor Farnsworth: By my calculations, this head trip will last, at most, 24 hours. We need to stop that monster, David Farnsworth!
- [Just as they stop, Leela bends down. Cut to a shot of a newspaper titled "WALL FOOTPATH JOURNAL", dated Monday, April 17th, 1775, with the headline "BEARS DRAG DOWN MARKET, MAUL 50", with a chart representing the headline.]
Leela: Look at the date on this newspaper. [She picks it up and reads it.] April 17th, 1775.
- [Farnsworth looks at the paper with Leela and adjusts his glasses.]
Professor Farnsworth: Say, on this exact date, the Continental Congress was meeting secretly in New York. Maybe they can help us.
Bender: But they could be meetin' anywhere! What are we gonna do? Search building to building?
- [Cut to a wide shot of New York revealing there are only two buildings on the entire street.]
Professor Farnsworth: [pointing to the building on the left] We'll start with that one.
- [Scene: Interior of the building. Thomas Jefferson is seated with a quill in his hand while several other founding fathers are standing around him.]
Thomas Jefferson: Alexander Hamilton of New York, how say you?
Alexander Hamilton: Nay.
Thomas Jefferson: John Hancock and John Adams of Massachusetts?
John Adams: Yay.
John Hancock: Yay.
Thomas Jefferson: [dips his quill in ink and starts writing something] The yay's have it. Our nation's official joke state shall be New Jersey. [A knock on the door is heard] Uh-oh. [Jefferson crumples up the paper and puts it in his mouth and swallows it.]
- [Several members of the Continental Congress get out their muskets. The door opens revealing Fry, Farnsworth, Bender and Leela.]
John Adams: Ah, 'tis just our new Crockpot.
Bender: Watch it, Wiggy! I ain't no stinking crock!
John Adams: We'll see about that in five hours. [He puts a raw chicken in Bender's chest cabinet.]
- [Farnsworth and Fry enter the building, Leela is about to enter until she is stopped in her tracks by Hancock.]
John Hancock: Halt! From whence commeth thou, one-eyed maiden!
Leela: Uh, ever been to Peru?
John Hancock: Certainly not!
Leela: [pushing down Hancock's musket so she can get through] I'm from Peru.
Professor Farnsworth: Clam up, founding fathers! We need help locating the treacherous forger [takes out the counterfeit currency] who forged this forgery!
- [The founding fathers gasp.]
Thomas Jefferson: [takes the counterfeit] My word! If these enter circulation, our economy will be destroyed! And with it, our chance at independence!
Alexander Hamilton: [taking the counterfeit from Jefferson] Only one man in the colonies has a printing press fine enough to make these. Our good friend, Ben Franklin.
Leela: Uh-oh. Isn't Franklin in Philadelphia?
Thomas Jefferson: When he's not in Charlotte, or Maribel, or Louisa!
- [The other founding fathers laugh at this obvious innuendo, but Fry just stares blankly.]
Fry: I don't get it.
Professor Farnsworth: I'm sure no one's ever said this before, but I must get to Philadelphia as quickly as possible!
- [Scene: Exterior of a deserted street. Fry, Farnsworth, Bender and Leela are riding a very slow horse-drawn cart. They observe that even a colonial man pulling a boy riding a wooden horse is faster than them.]
Professor Farnsworth: Oh! Why couldn't my disgraced ancestor have lived in the NASCAR era?!
- [Scene: Overhead exterior shot of the streets of Philadelphia. Farnsworth, Fry, Bender and Leela stop their cart outside of a building with a sign that says "BEN FRANKLIN'S PRINT SHOP". In front of the building is a sign that says "The New J's Are Here!".]
- [Scene: Interior of the print shop. A woman opens the door and finds the crew outside.]
Woman: Dr. Franklin, your new steam engine is here.
Bender: I ain't no stinkin' steam engine! [a bell dings] Chicken's ready.
Benjamin Franklin: You may go, Louisa.
Fry: [leaning into the frame] Now I get it!
- [Cut to: A few minutes later. Leela is seated and Farnsworth is standing by a stove. Franklin is tinkering with his new "steam engine", while Fry stands behind the table. Bender starts vibrating.]
Benjamin Franklin: Fascinating. Be you man or machine?
Bender: Mostly machine. Might be a couple dead cats in there.
Professor Farnsworth: Dr. Franklin, with all due respect to the brilliant inventor of the... [motions toward the device behind him] stove, I must speak with you. [walks toward Franklin, who has a chicken leg in his mouth] I'm looking for the scoundrel who made [takes out the counterfeit again] this!
Benjamin Franklin: [takes the counterfeit and inspects it] Intricate filigree, satanic symbols, looks like one of mine. [looks closer at it and gasps] But no! This is a fake!
Fry: Duh! It says [points to the words on the currency] "Colony of Maffachufetts"!
Bender: [scoffs] More like "Taxachufetts"!
Benjamin Franklin: [sighs] That's just how we print S's, you "ƒtupid ƒhitheads"! Someone must've used my press while I was poking around in Charlotte. Let's ask my apprentice, David Farnsworth.
Professor Farnsworth: [gasps] Farnsworth?!! That's him! Arm yourselves!
- [Cut to a shot of a badger tied to a wooden club, who growls. Cut to a wide shot of a door under a staircase where Franklin is holding the club alongside Farnsworth, holding a candle, Fry, Bender, and Leela.]
Benjamin Franklin: I call it "the Franklinator".
- [Franklin opens the door, gasps and drops his Franklinator, which scurries away knocking over a table carrying a vase, which breaks.]
- [Cut back to the room under the staircase, which is empty, save for a chair with a hole in it.]
Benjamin Franklin: The apprentice's suite is empty! He's gone!
Professor Farnsworth: Wait! What's that glistening in the chamber pot?
Bender: [walking toward the chair] Let's find out.
- [Bender bends down and puts his hand in the chamber pot.]
Leela: Bender, do you know what a chamber pot is?
Bender: I don't know and I don't care!
- [Bender takes a coin out of the pot and gives it to Franklin who handles it with a white cloth and shows it to Farnsworth.]
Professor Farnsworth: A Massachusetts hapenny?
Bender: Probably fake, too. There's one way to find out. [Bender takes the hapenny, opens his teeth to bend the coin and the others, beside Farnsworth, look in disgust.] What?
Fry: Bender bent a poo penny! Bender bent a poo penny!
Benjamin Franklin: Look! 'Tis but worthless tin!
Professor Farnsworth: Where could Farnsworth have minted such a high quality fake?
Benjamin Franklin: Not here. But, you know, I have a friend in Boston who's an expert silversmith. They could be connected. [brief pause] There's only like forty people who do anything around here.
Professor Farnsworth: But Boston's 300 miles away and Bender kicked our horse to death! We'll never get there in time! Unless you have another "invention" up your sleeve! Foh!
Benjamin Franklin: [thinks] Hmmm...
- [Scene: Exterior of Philadelphia, night. There is a lightning storm in the air. A kite with a key is being flown. The camera pulls back to reveal Franklin is flying it with Bender under the string while the others watch behind two barrels. Franklin ties the kite to Bender's antenna.]
Bender: How's this going to get us to Boston?
- [Lightning strikes the key attached to the kite and shocks Bender.]
- [Cut to: On the street, Bender is tied to the cart running, with Fry at the front and the others, now joined by Franklin, in the back seat.]
Bender: Stupid Franklin— [lightning shocks him again as he runs faster]
- [Scene: The streets of Boston. A sign says "Welcome to Boston", a sign below it says, "BIG DIG GROUNDBREAKING TOMORROW". The Bender-drawn cart whizzes right past the sign.]
- [Scene: Exterior of another building. The sign above this one says "PAUL REVERE, SILVERSMITH: We Smelt It & Dealt It". The Bender-drawn cart stops outside the building.]
- [The door of the building opens to reveal Franklin, his hair all frizzied and covered with leaves, Bender, and Leela outside. The man answering is Paul Revere himself.]
Paul Revere: Ah, that scrap metal I ordered is here.
Bender: I'm 40% scrap metal. [bangs his chest and walks inside]
Paul Revere: Well, Ben Franklin, [shakes Franklin's hand] my fellow Son of Liber— [notices a couple of redcoats outside] Tea kettles, heh. Yes, I've made some new tea kettles. Perfect for special occasions. Like hanging King George in effigy— [Franklin motions Revere to calm down because of the redcoats again] and H and I are monograms you can put on those tea kettles. [one of the redcoats notices Revere speaking strangly] Whatta you looking at, you British bastards?!?!?!
Benjamin Franklin: [pushing Revere inside as the others follow him] Paul, we talked about this.
- [Scene: Interior of Revere's house, Franklin closes the curtains.]
Professor Farnsworth: Mr. Revere, we're looking for a counterfeiter who minted [gives Revere the fake coins] these smelly hapennies. His name is David Farnsworth.
Paul Revere: [inspecting the fakes] Farnsworth? I just hired him for the fall candlestick rush. He's in the foundry this very moment!
- [Fry, Bender and Leela gasp as the camera zooms in to the Foundry building seen outside the window behind them.]
Benjamin Franklin: [holding a sack of Franklinators] Everybody take a Franklinator.
- [Everyone takes a Franklinator with a badger on it, except for Bender whose Franklinator is a shark. Fry takes his out.]
Fry: Aw, I gotta chipmunk.
- [Scene: Outside the silversmith building. Shot of the full moon. Pan down to Revere, Franklin, Farnsworth and the others, each with a Franklinator and with pots and pans on their heads.]
- [Scene: Interior of the foundry.]
Leela: [kicking the door down] Hee-ya!
- [Cut to a man dropping many counterfeits who looks similar to Farnsworth but with different glasses, bad teeth, and red hair.]
Professor Farnsoworth: David Farnsworth, I presume?
David Farnsworth: [in an indistinguishable British accent] I'm David Farnsworth.
Professor Farnsworth: Fuff! You're a disgrace to the very name Fowvwuh!
- [David Farnsworth produces a strange looking hammer.]
Fry: Look out! He's got a bezeling planisher!
David Farnsworth: 'At's right! 'Oo wonts ta be bezel'd?!
- [Leela takes the planisher from David Farnsworth and punches him, he flies backwards splitting the table with the counterfeits in half. David Farnsworth throws counterfeits at Leela and punches back. Leela kicks him. Meanwhile, Revere, carrying a cannonball, turns Bender around and puts the cannonball in his chest cabinet and bends him down.]
Bender: You idiot, I'm not a cannon!
- [Revere lights Bender's antenna, which causes the cannonball to fire out of Bender's shiny metal ass and crushes the wall behind where Leela and David Farnsworth are fighting.]
Bender: Oh, I guess I am a cannon.
- [David Farnsworth moans holding his head.]
Professor Farnsworth: Time to prune the family tree! [He knocks out his ancestor unconscious with a candlestick. Everybody cheers.] Huzzah! I've saved the Farnsworth name!
- [A man approaches Revere through the broken wall.]
Man: An urgent message for Mr. Revere!
- [The man hands Revere a letter with his name on it. Revere opens it and begins reading it out loud. Bender, Professor Farnsworth, Fry, and Benjamin Franklin are listening.]
Paul Revere: Mr. Revere, pray, do not 'ƒhit' your pants. The British attack has begun. Cross the river and watch for my signal. [Revere finishes reading the letter.] I must ride.
- [Revere leaves the building, panting, and a horse is heard neighing from outside.]
Leela: He has so much stuff. [Leela puts a set of tableware into a seemingly bottomless purse.] He won't miss this.
- [Scene: Backyard. Bender and Franklin are putting together a pile of counterfeits. Bender takes some from his chest cabinet and Franklin takes others from a box on the floor. Leela is steering a cart with more conterfeits.]
Professor Farnsworth: Let's burn these counterfeits and paddle the next swan boat the hell out of Boston.
- [Leela and the Professor throw their counterfeits into the pile.]
Fry: Here you go.
- [Fry hands the Professor a lantern.]
Professor Farnsworth: Thanks. [The Professor throws the lantern onto the pile, causing it to shatter. The counterfeits start burning.] Say, where did you get that lantern?
Fry: From that old church to the north. [Fry points to a church.] They had two burning, so I figured they wouldn't miss one.
- [Cut to: Revere riding a horse.]
Paul Revere: One if by land. Two if by sea. [Revere stops by a river and sees one lantern hanging on the wall of the church.] [shouting] The British are coming! The British are coming! [Revere goes back to riding the horse.] [shouting] By land! By land! [whispering] Gotta treat this OCD. Gotta treat this OCD.
- [Revere passes by the river where it is revealed that the British is actually attacking by sea.]
Professor Farnsworth: Fry, you dope! You've really screwed the granny this time! History needed that second lantern!
Leela: We better stop Paul Revere before—
- [Too late, as a flash of light appears carrying the crew back to their own time.]
- [Scene: The Head Museum. The crew arrives wearing British attire.]
Leela: [in a British accent] I guess everything worked out jolly oll right, eh, guv'nor?
Bender: [laughing, in a Cockney accent] Wot's with th' fruity accent, ducky? Bollocks! Ah've got it, too!
Fry: [in a British accent] Where's all th' Presidents' heads, then?
- [Cut to a wide shot of the Hall of Presidents, now the 'all of Nobility, with many British flags hanging below the ceiling.]
Professor Farnsworth: [in a British accent] Ah say, appears we've changed 'istory too much, disahster of nightmarish proportions an' wotnot. [smokes a pipe calmly as a dramatic musical sting is heard] Quite.
- [Scene: Wide shot of the now British-ruled New New York as "Rule Britannia" plays in the background. The camera zooms in on the city to reveal such British characteristics as a British subway sign, a Harrods Fifth Avenue, and a double decker bus, which drops off the Fourth Doctor from Doctor Who, who runs into a British telephone booth. The camera pans right to reveal the British ruled Planet Express building, now with a chimney smoking in the back.]
- [Scene: Interior of the Planet Express building, close up on a banner with the logo, which now says, "Planet Express Ltd.: A Despatch Concern. Cut to the meeting room, where Hermes is seated at the conference table. Farnsworth, Leela, Fry and Bender enter.]
Hermes: Where 'ave you blokes been? [cut to a shot of Hermes now wearing a shirt that says "Manchester United"] You nearly missed elevenses.
Amy: [wearing a hat and elegant clothing and carrying a tray of tea and other delicacies] Who's for tea and shmavories?
Bender: Wot in bloody 'ell's goin' on aroun' 'ere ah says?
Professor Farnsworth: Indeed. Wot's become of the dear old USA?
Amy: Beg pardon?
Professor Farnsworth: The Revolution? 1776 and wot all?
Hermes: Oh, the Colonial Desktop(?). Well, there's nuthin' we Brits enjoy more dan a good document'ry. Turn on the televiser, Dr. Zoidsmythe.
- [Zoidberg, now Zoidsmythe, enters wearing a bowler, monocle and suit, carrying an umbrella and doing John Cleese' silly walk from Monty Python's Flying Circus.]
Narrator: The Vanquished Pride of the Yankees, [Zoidsmythe silly walks away] or [reading the title] America the Dutiful! [During the speech, several images are shown, including the Liberty Bell, which is now the Tyranny Bell, the Lincoln Memorial statue, now the Hitchcock Memorial and surrounded by birds, and a Dunkin' Donuts, now Dunkin' Crumpets.] North America or Wes' Britannia as we now call it, has been under British rule for fourteen-hundred years... [An arm pulls down a screen showing a scene not unlike Terry Gilliam's animations from Monty Python.] all thanks to a nutter known as "Wrong Way Revere".
- [A Gilliam-style Revere enters the scene on a horse.]
Animated Revere: The British are coming, by land, by land! Heh heh heh heh!
- [Cut to: A crude reenactment of the British attack with a cardboard sea and the British wearing cardboard canoes.]
Narrator: But we came by sea, we did. Surprised the Yanks at Lexington ending the Rebellion with narry a kipper scuffed.
- [Cut to: The Planet Express, Ltd. conference room. Amy is now carrying a tray of fish.]
Amy: Scuffed kippers, anyone?
Zoidsmythe: Right kind of you, mum. [gobbles all the fish in Zoidbergian fashion]
- [Cut to: The documentary. John Hancock is signing his name poorly to the Declaration of Dependence due to his arm being in a cast.]
Narrator: The humiliated conspirators were forced to sign the Declaration of Dependence, proclaiming British rule forever. [Cut to George Washington's bedroom, Washington is seen sleeping in his bed when his door opens.] Meanwhile, a loyal Brit by the name of David Farnsworth tracked down the traitor George Washington and bravely smothered him with his wig. [David Farnsworth covers Washington with his wig, Washington's screams are muffled.]
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, criminy!
- [Cut to a portrait of David Farnsworth, now in royal garments.]
Narrator: In gratitude, King George named Farnsworth a duke and granted his family massive land holdings in the colonies.
- [Cut to: The Planet Express, Ltd. conference room.]
Professor Farnsworth: Blimey. I've never felt so ashamed to be a Farnsworth.
Scruffy: Will m'lord be returning to his massive land holdings for luncheon?
Professor Farnsworth: Huh-woh?
- [Scene: Exterior shot of a gated entrance. The sign on the gate says, "Farnsworthingshire". The gates open and the camera zooms in to reveal a rich mansion in the country.]
- [Scene: Interior of the mansion. Leela, with a British attired Nibbler, Amy and Farnsworth are seated by a fireside. Fry is standing near it.]
Leela: [yawns] I know we're ladies-in-waiting but what are we waiting for?
Professor Farnsworth: How should I know? Just shut up and wait!
Bender: [he is looking out a window, his back turned to the camera] Say, how is it that we've got socialized medicine [turns around to reveal his dental problems] bot me teeth still loo' like this?
Fry: Con't we just go back in time an' set things roight again?
Professor Farnsworth: Don't want to. Rather nice living under the crown and so forth.
Zoidsmythe: [being used as a footstool by Farnsworth] Rather. [Farnsworth whips Zoidsmythe with his cane]
Professor Farnsworth: Wot's more, couldn't go back even if we wonted to. No more crystalline opal left in all the world, don't you know.
- [A door opens and Scruffy enters the room.]
Scruffy: M'lord, the Queen is here for 'er, eh, weekly, irrrrr, visit.
Professor Farnsworth: The Queen? Sounds most satisfactory. All of you out!
Bender: [sighs, and exits with the others] Right, then. Let's go play some quoits...wotever that is.
- [Buglers are now outside the door announcing the Queen's entrance. A squire rolls out the red carpet.]
Squire: Presenting the Queen of England, America, and two parking spaces in Tokyo.
- [The Queen enters, and she is rather hideous.]
Queen: Where's me consort at?
Professor Farnsworth: [gulps] C-C-Consort?
- [The Queen pounces on Farnsworth.]
Queen: That's right, luv. Fer cent'ries, a Farnsworth gentleman 'as provided service to the Queen. Now close yer eyes an' think of England!
- [As she puckers up, Farnsworth notices her crown, which has a blue jewel.]
Professor Farnsworth: Ah say, what's that in your crown?
Queen: You mean Andamooka Opal? Why, it's th' most precious gem in all th'— [Farnsworth raises his cane]
- [Scene: Exterior of the mansion. Bender gets a ringer.]
Bender: Yes! Three rubbers on the hob!
- [Farnsworth runs out of the mansion carrying the Queen's crown. The Queen leans out of a window.]
Queen: Stop him! He crowned me in th' knickers an' nicked me crown!
- [Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum, now the 'ead Museum. Leela, Fry, Farnsworth and Bender run up the stairs followed by Smitty and URL, dressed as British bobbies.]
Smitty: Freeze or we'll be forced to continue chasing you since we don't carry guns!
- [Scene: Interior, the 'all of Nobility. Farnsworth and the others burst into the room with the crown.]
Leela: We've got to go back in toime an' set things straight! 'Urry up an' lick Washin'ton's 'ead again!
Bender: We can't! There's no George Washington nor any other Presidents.
Fry: [pointing somewhere] Wot about this bloke? 'e's from Revolutionary times.
- [Camera zooms out to reveal that Fry is pointing to the head of David Farnsworth.]
Professor Farnsworth: Farnsworth!
David Farsnworth's head: Hey! Yer the plaunkers wot candlesticked me! Well, ah showed you! Ah killed George Washin'ton an' now I'm married to one of the Spice Girls! Don't rightly know which one.
Professor Farnsworth: Bender, fetch me that powdered opal!
- [Bender takes the gem out of the crown, drops it on the floor and stomps on it with his footcup. Farnsworth sweeps it up and pours it into David Farnsworth's head's jar.]
Professor Farnsworth: It's time to restore dignity to the Farnsworth name!
- [He licks David Farnsworth's head, who is naturally disgusted at this act. Farnsworth and the others disappear as they go back in time. A few seconds later, they return wearing their normal clothes with everything back to normal.]
Fry: [speaking in his normal voice] There. That time, I left both lanterns in place.
Professor Farnsworth: [speaking in his normal voice] And I hit Farnsworth much, much harder. Eh, perhaps too hard.
Leela: [speaking in her normal voice] Look! All the Presidents are back! Even John Tyler!
John Tyler's head: That's the first time anyone's spoken to me in twelve-hundred years.
- [The camera pans up to the ceiling flags. Where the "Don't Tread on Me" snake flag was is now a flag with Bender holding a cigar and pointing to his rear end with the caption "Bite my fhiny metal aff" on it. Bender walks past it and laughs.]
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