Transcript:In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela

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Transcript for
In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela
Transcribed by	Jasonbres

[Opening Credits.]

[Title Screen: "The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan - Brought to You by Bartley's Rocket Wax"]

Transition Announcer: And now, The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan! Brought to you by Bartley's Rocket Wax.

Zapp: [coming out of the Bartley's Rocket Wax logo] I wax my rocket every day.

[Scene: A crummy looking black and white old sci-fi scene of a cardboard version of the Planet Express Ship being chased by an even crummier looking cardboard version of the Nimbus.]

[Scene: Interior shot of the fake Planet Express ship, where an actress playing Leela, an actor playing Fry, and an actor playing Bender, are held captive by an Asian villain.]

Emperor Chop Chop: No one can save you now, Leela.

Leela Actress: Well, what about Zapp Brannigan?

Emperor Chop Chop: Well, obviously, Zapp Brannigan can save you, but— [the door opens and Zapp, portraying himself, walks in] Zapp Brannigan!

Zapp: So, Emperor Chop Chop, once again we meet at last! Drop that space gun or I'll shoot! Like so! [shoots the villain and unties the actress portraying Leela]

Leela Actress: Oh, Zapp! Tie me back up and ravish me!

Zapp: I'd like to, Leela. So I will.

[Zapp kisses the actress passionately.]

[Scene: Interior shot of the Lovenasium. Zapp is seen in his bed caressing his pillow until Kif approaches him.]

Zapp: Ooh, yeah, shake it, baby. Shake it like— [Kif taps him and he wakes up] I surrender and volunteer for treason!

Kif: [saluting] Emergency summons from the President, captain.

Zapp: Oh, it's you. Just let me freshen up. [gets out of bed] Computer, captain's musk.

[A mechanical arm carrying perfume drops the ceiling. Nothing happens. Kif moans and sprays the musk onto Zapp.]

[Scene: Exterior shot of the White House at night. The camera pans down to a tube with an elevator underground that leads to an identical White House.]

[Scene: Interior shot of the elevator. Zapp and Kif exit and walk down a long hallway.]

Zapp: The long dramatic corridor. That's never a good sign.

[Zapp puts his glove onto a scanner.]

Scanner: Glove recognized. Proceed, Mrs. Eisenhower.
[The doors open to reveal President Richard Nixon's Head with a secret service agent in a meeting room with a huge monitor. Zapp and Kif enter saluting.]
<poem>Zapp: Mr. President, what the hell?

Nixon: At ease, Brannigan.

[Zapp stops pushing in his big gut.]

Nixon: What you're about to see is highly classified. Reptillicus, hit the thingy.

[Kif goes to a chair with a machine and activates it, which powers on the monitor showing an orange planet being attacked.]

Nixon: [with a laser pointer in his mechanical hand] At 0000 hours, Planet XXX was attacked by a mysterious death sphere. [points to the death sphere]

Zapp: [pointing to the death sphere with another laser pointer] Magnify that death sphere. [the image is magnified] Why's it still blurry?

Kif: That's all the resolution we have. Making it bigger doesn't make it clearer.

Zapp: It does on CSI: Miami.

[Kif moans]

Nixon: They fought back with advance military hardware, but it was like shooting BB's at Bebe Rebozo.

Zapp: That poor brave hardware.

Nixon: The sphere then fired some kind of hellish blackout ray. Erased that planet like eighteen minutes of incriminating tape.

Zapp: Oh, I just wish I understood why. Why I should care.

Nixon: Because the death sphere is now on course for Earth! Rowrowooooooo!!

[The monitor shows the Solar System and the death sphere's destination.]

Zapp: My god, we're defenseless. Like fish in a barrel.

Nixon: Options?

Zapp: My instinct is to hide in this barrel. [camera cuts to reveal Zapp doing so] Like the wily fish.

Nixon: [sighs] Then we're down to our last hope. A radical new weapon built by a visionary scientist I once dismissed as crazy.

[Scene: Exterior shot of Planet Express building. We can hear Farnsworth laughing like a madman.]

[Scene: Interior shot of laboratory and closeup of Farnsworth doing so.]

Farnsworth: Let's see how crazy I am now, Nixon! [camera zooms out to reveal he is actually speaking to Nixon and the entire Planet Express crew] The correct answer is: very.

Nixon: Alright, Professor. Sock it to me!

Farnsworth: Top secret news, everyone! I've developed a tiny one-man stealth fighter that's virtually undetectable.

Zapp: [coming out of a barrel] How undetectable?

Farnsworth: It's right in front of you.

Zapp: [walking toward a semmingly empty space] I find that—OW! [bumps into something]—to believe.

[Farnsworth hits a button revealing the now visible ship as everyone looks in amazement.]

Bender: But how exactly is this Happy Meal toy gonna destroy a giant death sphere?

Farnsworth: From within. This ship should be able to sneak undetected through the sphere's one vulnerable opening.

Hermes: What vulnerable opening?

Farnsworth: All death spheres have one vulnerable opening.

Zoidberg: Well, sure, but who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a "death sphere"?

NIxon: I say Brannigan.

Zapp: [saluting] I say no.

Leela: I say me.

Nixon: I say Leela.

Leela: I say yes.

Fry: I say no.

Zapp: I say Leela, too.

Leela: I say yes again.

Zapp: I say I shall join her.

Leela: But it's only a one-man craft...I say.

Zapp: There'll only be one man. Me. How would you feel if I rode rear as your personal tail gunner?

Leela: Creeped out.

Zapp: Then it's decided.

[Scene: The next day. Close up on a sign that reads "Cape Knievel Flight Test Center. The camera pans down to reveal a plane resembling the old toy wooden airplanes and a Da Vinci style flying machine flying by. On the ground is the entire Planet Express ship crew with Zapp, Kif and Nixon's head around the ship.]

Leela: [stepping into the ship] Are you sure I have to sit in your lap?

Zapp: It'll help us achieve maximum thrust.

[Leela and Kif moan.]

Fry: [giving Leela a bag of trail mix] I made you some trail mix for the flight. [Leela takes it as Fry picks up a huge painting of himself in a robe smoking a pipe] Also this picture to remember me by.

Leela: You hold on to it. [kisses him] I'll be back soon.

Farnsworth: [scoffs] Activate stealth shielding.

[Farnsworth hits a button and the ship becomes invisible while Leela and Zapp remain visible.]

Leela: Liftoff!

Zapp: I'll rodger that.

[They take off as everyone watches.]

Fry: Did anyone else feel aroused and jealous and worried?

Bender: I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.

[Scene: Outer space. The ship takes off with Leela and Zapp. Leela presses a few buttons.]

Leela: Death sphere in range. Engaging holographic targeting. [presses a button and a hologram of the sphere comes up] Activating the Force.

[presses a button that shows the where the vulnerable opening is]

The Force: [a la Obi-Wan Kenobi] Feel the entrance, Leela. Destination on your left in... [monotone] zero point three [regular voice] miles.

[the ship flies down and across the death sphere, which is equipped with many satellite dishes, cameras, and cell towers]

Zapp: Zapp to Leela: look at all that surveillance equipment.

Leela: [whispering] We better whisper.

Zapp: Switching to pillow talk mode.

[They fly over giant letters.]

Leela: Look. What are those huge letters?

[The camera cuts to reveal that the letters spell out the word "V-GINY".]

Zapp: "V-Giny?" Doesn't ring a bell.

[Cut to: Telescope view of the death sphere.]

Farnsworth (v.o.): Hmmm....

[Scene: Planet Express meeting room. Farnsworth is looking through the giant telescope.]

Farnsworth: I don't like the looks of this "V-Giny." Does anyone recognize those call letters?

[Hermes searches through different ship designs on the holographic projector.]

Hermes: Nope. It's not in the Janeway's Guide either.

Farnsworth: Deciphering that ID code is critical. I'll be in the Chamber of Understanding.

[A glass dome is lowered over Farnsworth. A small disco ball is lowered from that. We hear muffled disco music coming from the chamber as the Professor taps his foot to the boogie beat.]

[Scene: The death sphere. Zapp and Leela approach the entrance.]

Leela: This is it! The moment we should've trained for!

[Leela pushes the control stick forward. When they get into the vulnerable opening, they are surrounded by black goo as well as many televisions showing such programs as √2 News, Everybody Loves Hypnotoad, a Slurm commercial, a Torgo's Executive Powder commercial, and All My Circuits. In the center of the sphere, a machine is firing black goop at some television screens including one showing "All My Circuits" and one showing a Slurm commercial.]

Leela: Holy cr—

[Before Leela can finish the phrase, the death sphere detects their presence and shoots.]

Zapp: Incoming yucky!

Leela: Firing pocket rocket!

[Leela pushes a button on the invisible control stick, which launches a rocket from the bottom. The rocket gets into the black goop, bubbles and disappears.]

Zapp: Don't panic, Leela! Go go go go go!

[They fly away as fast as they can from the second black goop attack.]

Leela: I hope this is the control stick!

[They escape from the goo, but the ship somehow goes out of control.]

Zapp: Captain's Log: We've lost control. Addendum: Whoooaa-oooooaa-ooaaaah!!!

[Title Screen: Transcredible Exploits title card]

Transition Announcer: And now, back to The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan!

Zapp: [once again from the Bartley's logo] Chapter Two: "The Heat Thickens".

[Cut to: Zapp and the actress portraying Leela on what looks like a mysterious planet with the now crummy stealth fighter burning in the background. Zapp is on one knee seeing the Leela actress acting unconscious.]

Zapp: Leela, wake up! I can't face this mysterious planet alone without you or someone like you.

[Zapp attempts to resuscitate the fake Leela as we fade back to reality and see Zapp on the ground just blowing and the camera pans left to reveal Leela with her legs pinned under a huge log.]

Leela: Zapp? Zapp, wake up!

[As Zapp realizes he's kissing the grass, he gets up.]

Zapp: Leela? Where are we.

Leela: We crashed on an uncharted planet. When I woke up, I was pinned under this tree. Can you help me?

Zapp: [walking toward the tree] If anyone can move it, I can. [attempts to lift the tree but fails] No one can move it. Are you hurt?

Leela: No. But I'm so thirsty. This spacesuit is making me sweat like a sow.

Zapp: Me, too. We better strip them off and continue surviving au naturel.

Leela: Uh, I suppose so.

[Leela and Zapp strip while the camera carefully cuts before they reveal too much. The now nude Zapp approaches Leela with some leaves.]

Zapp: Here. We can cover ourselves with these sticky sap-covered leaves. I'll try to avert my eyes from your nudery.

Leela: You will? [turns to reveal she's already covered] Eh, what's the point? You'll have to look sooner or later.

Zapp: Well, I promise not to abuse the privilege. For now, I better scout around for food and water and help.

Leela: What a thoughtful and considerate thing to say. What the hell's wrong with you?

Zapp: I'm not quite sure. Perhaps it's the fresh air or a severe head injury. In any case, I'm off.

Leela: [as Zapp walks away] If you see any steaks, that'd be good!

[Scene: Planet Express meeting room. Fry is holding an open milk carton and smelling it. He puts it back in the refrigerator.]

Fry: Why isn't Leela back yet? [to Bender] Do you think she's okay?

Bender: How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay? I'm feelin' a little neglected here!

Fry: Oh, sorry. Are you okay, Bender?

Bender: Shut up!

Hermes: What difference does it make? When that death sphere gets to Earth, we'll all be blown to Manwich meat!

Amy: Well, I guess it's time to indulge in some end-of-the-world debauchery. Who's up for an orgy?

[Everyone obliges excitedly, but then have second thoughts.]

Zoidberg: Maybe a Parcheesi tournament.

Farnsworth: Belay that Parcheesi tournament! I've identified the death sphere! We may yet have a faint hope of survival!

Zoidberg: Still, a Parcheesi tournament.

[Farnsworth activates the holographic projector at the meeting table, which shows a satellite labeled "USAF Flying Destiny".]

Farnsworth: This is a top secret military satellite launched by the Air Force in 1998.

[Farnsworth then shows a hologram of another satellite labeled "V-Chip"]

Farnsworth (cont'd): And this is a top secret FCC satellite launched that same year to censor indecent TV programs.

Bender: Like The Pimpsons? And Assarama?

Farnsworth: Precisely. However, the satellites collided shortly after launch and were never heard from again.

[Zoidberg is in the kitchen getting the Parcheesi game board.]

Zoidberg: I found the board!

Farnsworth: Now, I've simulated that collision using Shrapnovision(?).

[The crew watches as the holograms of the satellites collide in a huge explosion and again in slow motion, which details how it became the death sphere called "V-Giny".]

Fry: [taking a piece of one of the satellites out of his hair] Granted, all that makes perfect sense, but why is this death sphere destroying planets?

Farnsworth: That makes the most sense of all. [puts up a projection of planets destroyed by the death sphere] Look at the planet it's destroyed so far. First came XXX, the nude beach planet. Then Poopiter. [a planet labelled "#!@€$!#%&" comes on screen] And finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company.

Fry: You mean... [whispers something to Farnsworth and the crew get angry at him for doing so, causing Farnsworth to slap him]

Hermes: So the death sphere is "censoring" indecent planets?

Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we can't keep it in our collective pants! Our sole hope is to persuade the people of Earth to abandon their smutty ways.

[We hear a whip crack. The camera cuts to reveal it was Amy in a dominatrix outfit.]

Amy: So the orgy's off?

[Scene: The uncharted planet. Leela is now laying down under the tree groaning.]

Leela: So thirsty. Why couldn't a water fountain have fallen on me?

[She hears rustling. Zapp approaches her with something in his hands.]

Zapp: I couldn't find any water. But the moisture in these fruit and nut berries should sustain you.

Leela: Thank you. [takes them and eats them]

Zapp: I climbed perilously high into the trees to pick them, yet I saw no sign of intelligent life.

Leela: Bummer.

Zapp: Moreover, the crash totally destroyed our ship.

Leela: So we're stuck here until someone finds us?

Zapp: Alas, that may never happen. Stealth technology makes the ship impossible to locate yet easy to stub your crotch on.

Leela: Well, there's worse places to be marooned. Plenty of food, mild climate.

Zapp: It's a veritable Garden of Eden.

Leela: It is?

[A wide shot of the planet is seen showing the true beauty of it. The camera zooms in on an apple on a tree. A snake slithers by it.]

Snake: Hello.

Leela: Did that snake say, "Hello"?

Zapp: No, we're both delirious from dehydration.

Snake: Just like Adam and Eve.

[Scene: The V-Giny is still on course for Earth.]

[Scene: Outside the New New York Library. The Planet Express ship flies there.]

Farnsworth (v.o.): We can still save Earth. People are sure to clean up their act when presented with cold hard facts by rational folks like us.

[The ship's hangar door lowers with the crew now in brown robes holding picket signs that say, "Shame on Everything!," "Sin No More!," "Judgement Day is at Hand!," "Bender is Great!," "The End is Nigh!," and "Repent!" Farnsworth also holds a bullhorn.]

Farnsworth: The end is near! Repent thy sins!

Sal: [giving money to Petunia] I'll thinks it overs while I engages this five dollar hooker.

Fry: [taking the bullhorn from Farnsworth] Don't do it! It's not worth it!

Petunia: Okay, make it three dollars.

Sal: Yuck! I don't wants no three-dollar hooker. I'm goin' backs to the adults bookstore.

Fry: Adult bookstore? I thought this was the public library.

Bender: [pointing to the words on a pedastil] Nope, pubic library.