Transcript:In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela

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Transcript for
In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela
Transcribed by	Jasonbres

[Opening Credits.]

[Title Screen: "The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan - Brought to You by Bartley's Rocket Wax"]

Transition Announcer: And now, The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan! Brought to you by Bartley's Rocket Wax.

Zapp: [coming out of the Bartley's Rocket Wax logo] I wax my rocket every day.

[Scene: A crummy looking black and white old sci-fi scene of a cardboard version of the Planet Express Ship being chased by an even crummier looking cardboard version of the Nimbus.]

[Scene: Interior shot of the fake Planet Express, where an actress playing Leela, an actor playing Fry, and an actor playing Bender, are held captive by an Asian villain.]

Emperor Chop Chop: No one can save you now, Leela.

Leela Actress: Well, what about Zapp Brannigan?

Emperor Chop Chop: Well, obviously, Zapp Brannigan can save you, but— [the door opens and Zapp, portraying himself, walks in] Zapp Brannigan!

Zapp: So, Emperor Chop Chop, once again we meet at last! Drop that space gun or I'll shoot! Like so! [shoots the villain and unties the actress portraying Leela]

Leela Actress: Oh, Zapp! Tie me back up and ravish me!

Zapp: I'd like to, Leela. So i will.

[Zapp kisses the actress passionately.]

[Scene: Interior shot of the Lovenasium. Zapp is seen in his bed caressing his pillow until Kif approaches him.]

Zapp: Ooh, yeah, shake it, baby. Shake it like— [Kif taps him and he wakes up] I surrender and volunteer for treason!

Kif: [saluting] Emergency summons from the President, captain.

Zapp: Oh, it's you. Just let me freshen up. [gets out of bed] Computer, captain's musk.

[A mechanical arm carrying perfume drops the ceiling. Nothing happens. Kif moans and sprays the musk onto Zapp.]

[Scene: Exterior shot of the White House at night. The camera pans down to a tube with an elevator underground that leads to an identical White House.]

[Scene: Interior shot of the elevator. Zapp and Kif exit and walk down a long hallway.]

Zapp: The long dramatic corridor. That's never a good sign.

[Zapp puts his glove onto a scanner.]

Scanner: Glove recognized. Proceed, Mrs. Eisenhower.
[The doors open to reveal President Richard Nixon's Head with a secret service agent in a meeting room with a huge monitor. Zapp and Kif enter saluting.]
<poem>Zapp: Mr. President, what the hell?

Nixon: At ease, Brannigan.

[Zapp stops pushing in his big gut.]

Nixon: What you're about to see is highly classified. Reptillicus, hit the thingy.

[Kif goes to a chair with a machine and activates it, which powers on the monitor showing an orange planet being attacked.]

Nixon: [with a laser pointer in his mechanical hand] At 000 hours, Planet XXX was attacked by a mysterious death sphere. [points to the death sphere]

Zapp: [pointing to the death sphere with another laser pointer] Magnify that death sphere. [the image is magnified] Why's it still blurry?

Kif: That's all the resolution we have. Making it bigger doesn't make it clearer.

Zapp: It does on CSI: Miami.

[Kif moans]

Nixon: They fought back with advance military hardware, but it was like shooting BB's at Bebe Rebozo.

Zapp: That poor brave hardware.

Nixon: The sphere then fired some kind of hellish blackout ray. Erased that planet like eighteen minutes of incriminating tape.

Zapp: Oh, I just wish I understood why. Why I should care.

Nixon: Because the death sphere is now on course for Earth! Rowrowooooooo!!

[The monitor shows the Solar System and the death sphere's destination.]

Zapp: My god, we're defenseless. Like fish in a barrel.

Nixon: Options?

Zapp: My instinct is to hide in this barrel. [camera cuts to reveal Zapp doing so] Like the wily fish.

Nixon: [sighs] Then we're down to our last hope. A radical new weapon built by a visionary scientist I once dismissed as crazy.

[Scene: Exterior shot of Planet Express building. We can hear Farnsworth laughing like a madman.]

[Scene: Interior shot of laboratory and closeup of Farnsworth doing so.]

Farnsworth: Let's see how crazy I am now, Nixon! [camera zooms out to reveal he is actually speaking to Nixon and the entire Planet Express crew] The correct answer is: very.

Nixon: Alright, Professor. Sock it to me!

Farnsworth: Top secret news, everyone! I've developed a tiny one-man stealth fighter that's virtually undetectable.

Zapp: [coming out of a barrel] How undetectable?

Farnsworth: It's right in front of you.

Zapp: [walking toward a semmingly empty space] I find that—OW! [bumps into something]—to believe.

[Farnsworth hits a button revealing the now visible ship as everyone looks in amazement.]

Bender: But how exactly is this Happy Meal toy gonna destroy a giant death sphere?

Farnsworth: From within. This ship should be able to sneak undetected through the sphere's one vulnerable opening.

Hermes: What vulnerable opening?

Farnsworth: All death spheres have one vulnerable opening.

Zoidberg: Well, sure, but who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a "death sphere"?

NIxon: I say Brannigan.

Zapp: [saluting] I say no.

Leela: I say me.

Nixon: I say Leela.

Leela: I say yes.

Fry: I say no.

Zapp: I say Leela, too.

Leela: I say yes again.

Zapp: I say I shall join her.

Leela: But it's only a one-man craft...I say.

Zapp: There'll only be one man. Me. How would you feel if I rode rear as your personal tail gunner?

Leela: Creeped out.

Zapp: Then it's decided.

[Scene: The next day. Close up on a sign that reads "Cape Knievel Flight Test Center. The camera pans down to reveal a plane resembling the old toy wooden airplanes and a Da Vinci style flying machine flying by. On the ground is the entire Planet Express ship crew with Zapp, Kif and Nixon's head around the ship.]

Leela: [stepping into the ship] Are you sure I have to sit in your lap?

Zapp: It'll help us achieve maximum thrust.

[Leela and Kif moan.]

Fry: [giving Leela a bag of trail mix] I made you some trail mix for the flight. [Leela takes it as Fry picks up a huge painting of himself in a robe smoking a pipe] Also this picture to remember me by.

Leela: You hold on to it. [kisses him] I'll be back soon.

Farnsworth: [scoffs] Activate stealth shielding.

[Farnsworth hits a button and the ship becomes invisible while Leela and Zapp remain visible.]

Leela: Liftoff!

Zapp: I'll rodger that.

[They take off as everyone watches.]

Fry: Did anyone else feel aroused and jealous and worried?

Bender: I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.