Difference between revisions of "Transcript:The Six Million Dollar Mon"

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|content=Copied from [http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=futurama&episode=s07e07 springfieldspringfield.co.uk].
|content=Copied from [http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=futurama&episode=s07e07 springfieldspringfield.co.uk].
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<poem>'''{{Hermes}}''': People, as company bureaucrat, I will today be conducting the annual performance review.
:''[Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Worth 250 Futurama Points.]''
With a twist.</poem>
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express Building, conference room. Everyone but Hermes is seated at the conference table, looking up as Hermes descends from somewhere above, riding some sort of jet-powered hover disc.]''
(All gasp) Oh, no.
<poem>'''{{Hermes}}''': People, as company bureaucrat, I will today be conducting the annual performance review. With a twist.</poem>
The firing tie.
:''[Hermes pulls a string in his collar, causing a necktie to unfurl. Everyone gasps.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': Correct. I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown. Zoidberg.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Fry}}''': Oh, no. The firing tie.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Correct. I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown. [''lowers his voice''] Zoidberg.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Zoidberg}}''': [''laughs''] Classic Hermes.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Zoidberg}}''': [''laughs''] Classic Hermes.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Let the interviews begin. Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Let the interviews begin. Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Amy}}''': My primary duties? Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.
:''['''Cut to''': Professor Farnsworth's lab. Hermes, holding a pen and clipboard, is standing in front of the lab's bench; Amy is standing behind it.]''
''[The Professor, asleep in his chair, snores.]''
<poem>'''{{Amy}}''': My primary duties? Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.</poem>
<poem>'''Amy''': Uh, yes, sir, I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away. [''She picks up a lamp and makes a snoring sound into it.'']</poem>
:''[She turns to indicate the Professor, who is asleep in a recliner, snoring.]''
<poem>'''Amy''': Uh, yes, sir, [''she shuffles some papers nervously''] I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away.</poem>
:''[She picks up a small lamp and makes a snoring sound into it. Hermes writes a note on his clipboard.]''
:''['''Cut to''': Somewhere in space. Fry and Bender are outside the Planet Express ship, holding a crate marked ASHES FOR SPACE BURIAL. Hermes and Leela are standing on the ship's hull.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship?</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship?</poem>
<poem>'''{{Leela}}''': Not if you stand on their air hose much longer.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Leela}}''': Not if you stand on their air hose much longer.</poem>
:''[Hermes notices that he is standing on the hose, causing a large air bubble to form.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': Noted.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Noted.</poem>
:''[He lifts his foot; the air bubble rushes down the hose, causing Fry's and Bender's space suits to over-inflate and explode.]''
:''['''Cut to''': The Planet Express boiler room. Hermes is interviewing Scruffy, who is lying down on his cot.]''
<poem>'''[[Scruffy]]''': My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Scruffy]]''': My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today. And that employee is Hermes Conrad.</poem>
:''[He picks up, and starts reading, a magazine titled ASTOUNDING TALES OF DOING IT. Hermes, shaking his head, makes a note on his clipboard.]''
What?! No way! Hermes, no!
:''['''Time Lapse'''. The team is gathered around the conference table again. Hermes stands facing them.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today. And that employee is - </poem>
:''[Dramatic pause. Everyone scoots away from Zoidberg, who is seated in the middle.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': - Hermes Conrad.</poem>
<poem>'''Amy''': What?!</poem>
<poem>'''Leela''': No way!</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Hermes, no!</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Fry}}''': But you can't fire yourself now. We were just getting to know each other.
<poem>'''Fry''': But you can't fire yourself now. We were just getting to know each other.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I've already notified the central bureaucracy. [''The doorbell rings.''] They'll be here two seconds ago.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I've already notified the central bureaucracy. [''The doorbell rings.''] They'll be here two seconds ago.</poem>
:''['''Cut to''': The Planet Express lobby. The crew is gathered behind Hermes as he answers the door.  Center Square Guy enters.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in?</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in?</poem>
Only if you buy me dinner first.
<poem>'''[[Center Square Guy]]''': Only if you buy me dinner first.</poem>
(All laugh)
:''[All but Hermes laugh.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': I'm being fired. I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I'm being fired. I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that.</poem>
You're right, Hermes.
<poem>'''Center Square Guy''': You're right, Hermes. Meet Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.</poem>
Meet Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.
<poem>'''[[Mark 7-G]]''': [entering the lobby] I'm Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Mark 7-G]]''': I'm Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': [''sighs''] Will you be conducting an exit interview?</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Will you be conducting an exit interview?</poem>
<poem>'''Center Square Guy''': Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.</poem>
Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.
:''[Again, all but Hermes laugh.]''
(All laugh) Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty.
<poem>'''Mark 7-G''': Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty.</poem>
Sounds like a party.
<poem>'''Center Square Guy''': Sounds like a party.
(All laugh) Good-bye.
:''[Once more, all but Hermes laugh.]''</poem>
(Sighs) (Computer whirs, buzzes)
<poem>'''Center Square Guy''': Good-bye. [''He leaves the building; the crew breaks into applause''.]</poem>
:''[Hermes takes his personnel file out of his jacket, stamps it FIRED, and feeds it into a slot in Mark 7-G.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': Well, this is it. But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Well, this is it. But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Farnsworth}}''': Off you go.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Farnsworth}}''': [''makes a shooing motion with his hands''] Off you go.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Bender}}''': So, I hear you're a machine...ow!</poem>
:''[Hermes leaves the building, looks back once. The doors close behind him.]''
<poem>'''{{Bender}}''': [to Mark 7-G] So, I hear you're a machine - [''Zoidberg slaps Bender.''] ow!</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?</poem>
<poem>'''Amy''': Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone.</poem>
<poem>'''Amy''': Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone.</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing. Oy. You don't understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing.</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': Oy.</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': You don't understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.</poem>
<poem>'''Leela''': I insult you, you fat sack.</poem>
<poem>'''Leela''': I insult you, you fat sack.</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Sure, when it's convenient. But Hermes was always there for me. And now he's gone, thanks to you, Mr. Bigshot 7-G. [''sobbing''] I'll never see Hermes again.</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Sure, when it's convenient. But Hermes was always there for me. And now he's gone, thanks to you, Mr. Bigshot 7-G. [''He kicks Mark 7-G, starts sobbing.''] I'll never see Hermes again.</poem>
:''['''Cut to''': The Conrad home. Hermes and Dwight are at the dining room table; LaBarbara brings a pot of food from the kitchen.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': On the bright side, I'll never see Zoidberg again.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': On the bright side, I'll never see Zoidberg again.</poem>
<poem>'''[[LaBarbara]]''': Aw, there, there, husband. I made your favorite, curried goat.</poem>
<poem>'''{{LaBarbara}}''': Aw, there, there, husband. I made your favorite, curried goat.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': It better be spicy.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': It better be spicy.</poem>
(Sizzles) Well played.
<poem>'''[[Ron Whitey|Judge Whitey]]''': Well played.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Sal]]''': Ows.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Sal]]''': Ows.</poem>
(Robots screaming)
(Robots screaming)
Line 56: Line 75:
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Then I guess this wouldn't be a good time to tell you that I'm pregnant.</poem>
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Then I guess this wouldn't be a good time to tell you that I'm pregnant.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': What?!</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': What?!</poem>
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': And you're not the father.<poem>
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': And you're not the father.</poem>
No!
<poem>'''Hermes''': No!</poem>
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': I'm just joking, husband. See now? Things don't seem so bad any more, do they?</poem>
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': I'm just joking, husband. See now? Things don't seem so bad any more, do they?</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': You're right.Thank you, LaBarbara.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': You're right. Thank you, LaBarbara.</poem>
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Oh, also, I wrecked the car.<poem>
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Oh, also, I wrecked the car.</poem>
:''[Roberto jumps out from behind a tree. He is carrying three knives.]''
<poem>'''[[Roberto]]''': This here is a mugging! Hand over your skin.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Roberto]]''': This here is a mugging! Hand over your skin.</poem>
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': My ebony splendor? Me don't think so.</poem>
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': My ebony splendor? Me don't think so.</poem>
Line 68: Line 88:
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Do something, Hermes.</poem>
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Do something, Hermes.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I can't! When I fight machinery, machinery always wins!</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I can't! When I fight machinery, machinery always wins!</poem>
Officer: Freeze, bagwad.
<poem>'''[[URL]]''': Freeze, bagwad!</poem>
(Robot screams) You're under arrest for attempted epidermicide.
<poem>'''[[Smitty]]''': You're under arrest for attempted epidermicide.</poem>
<poem>'''Roberto''': I'm coming for you, man. Ain't no jail can hold me.</poem>
<poem>'''Roberto''': I'm coming for you, man. Ain't no jail can hold me.</poem>
That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair.
<poem>'''URL''': That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair.</poem>
<poem>'''Roberto''': And then I'm-a stab it. Ha-haw!</poem>
<poem>'''Roberto''': And then I'm-a stab it. Ha-haw!</poem>
(Siren wails) (Magnets hum)
(Siren wails) (Magnets hum)
Line 81: Line 101:
<poem>'''Bender''': Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent to see you.</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent to see you.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': We need to talk alone.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': We need to talk alone.</poem>
Okay, Hermes. Sure.
<poem>'''Fry''': Okay, Hermes. Sure.</poem>
<poem>'''Leela''': [in shower] Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil?</poem>
<poem>'''Leela''': [in shower] Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil?</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': In a second. I'm eavesdropping.</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': In a second. I'm eavesdropping.</poem>
:''[Amy appears behind Leela in the shower.]''
<poem>'''Amy''': Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough.</poem>
<poem>'''Amy''': Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough.</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': I said not now!</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': I said not now!</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': Sure, I know a guy.</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': Sure, I know a guy.</poem>
(Siren wails, dog howls) Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown.
<poem>'''Bender''': Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown.</poem>
So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of "body augmentation".
<poem>'''Hermes''': So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of body augmentation.</poem>
I am expert in shadowy field of many things.
<poem>'''[[Yuri]]''': I am expert in shadowy field of many things.</poem>
I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery. Can you help me?</poem>
Can you help me? No problem.
<poem>'''Yuri''': No problem. I prepare operating room.</poem>
I prepare operating room.
(Cat yowls)
(Cat yowls) Hermes: Oh, honey, I'm home! Pops?! Is that a harpoon in your chest? Yes.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Oh, honey, I'm home!</poem>
And I'm happy to see you.
<poem>'''Dwight''': Pops?!</poem>
Mmm And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Is that a harpoon in your chest?</poem>
I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Yes. And I'm happy to see you. Mmm. And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be.</poem>
But do you really need chest artillery? It's not just a weapon.
<poem>'''Amy''': I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous. But do you really need chest artillery?</poem>
It's the bureaucrat's best friend.
<poem>'''Hermes''': It's not just a weapon. It's the bureaucrat's best friend. Observe. Oh, Mark 7-G? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf?</poem>
Observe.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': [grunting] ''[Laughs.]'' Pitiful and sickening.</poem>
(Sing-songy): Oh, mark 7-g? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf? (Grunting) (Laughs) Pitiful and sickening.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done.</poem>
Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done.
<poem>'''Mark 7-G''': My best wasn't good enough.</poem>
My best wasn't good enough.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I'll need my personnel file, please.</poem>
I'll need my personnel file, please.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Welcome back, old friend. I missed you terribly.</poem>
Welcome back, old friend.
<poem>'''Hermes''': You do everything terribly. And I'm not your friend.</poem>
I missed you terribly.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': [''laughs''] Good old Hermes. When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.</poem>
You do everything terribly.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal. Scruffy, could you retrieve them?</poem>
And I'm not your friend.
<poem>'''Scruffy''': 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet. Pass.</poem>
(Laughs) Good old Hermes.
<poem>'''Hermes''': [Sighs.] I'll fetch my hand tools.</poem>
When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.
<poem>'''Bender''': Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine?</poem>
Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Oh, no. No more implants. I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.</poem>
Scruffy, could you retrieve them? 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet.
<poem>'''Bender''': That's sweet, Hermes.</poem>
Pass.
<poem>'''Mark 7-G''': Maybe I should get an extendo-arm.</poem>
(Sighs) I'll fetch my hand tools.
<poem>'''Hermes''': How long will it take to install an extendo-arm?</poem>
Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine? (Whirring) Oh, no.
<poem>'''Yuri''': I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour.</poem>
No more implants.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[Grunts.]'' [garbled] Thank you, Hermes.</poem>
I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.
<poem>'''Fry''': I don't know. It seems like a lot of trouble to cut off your arm just to snake a drain.</poem>
That's sweet, Hermes.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Ah-ah-ah, it's not just a drain snake. It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories. Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig.</poem>
Maybe I should get an extendo-arm.
<poem>'''Bender''': A machine that can bend? No way.</poem>
How long will it take to install an extendo-arm? I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants?</poem>
(Grunts) (Garbled): Thank you, Hermes.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.</poem>
I don't know.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Such a mild insult. That's not my Hermes. Speaking of What happened to your cutoff body parts anyhow?</poem>
It seems like a lot of trouble to cut off your arm just to snake a drain.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Right here. I was going to donate them to the salvation air force, but they're starting to rot.</poem>
Ah-ah-ah, it's not just a drain snake.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Then I'll just take them and, uh, throw them away, shall I why not? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah.</poem>
It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': So, friend, welcome to my home. I'm very proud of it. But I want to hear what you think.</poem>
Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': [imitating Hermes] "Oh, mon, I'm Hermes, and I think it stinks in here like a green snake, or something else that's Jamaican."</poem>
A machine that can bend? No way.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': [''laughs''] Good one at my expense, Hermes.</poem>
But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants? Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Mmm, well, I must admit it's not bad. And it will cut two or three hours a day off my cornrowing routine.</poem>
Such a mild insult.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Yes, our lives will never be the same. Darn it! I'll be right back.</poem>
That's not my Hermes.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': (Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a Cylon eye for?</poem>
Speaking of What happened to your cutoff body parts anyhow? Right here.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, calm down, dear. You know, you look even hotter in infrared.</poem>
I was going to donate them to the salvation air force, but they're starting to rot.
:''[Moaning, smooching]''
Then I'll just take them and, uh, throw them away, shall I why not? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah.
:''[Whirring]''
So, friend, welcome to my home.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned. Now, you must promise me you won't be getting any more upgrades.</poem>
I'm very proud of it.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I promise.</poem>
But I want to hear what you think.
:''[Bender, Fry, Farnsworth, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg ooh and aah]
"Oh, mon, I'm Hermes, and I think it stinks in here like a green snake, or something else that's Jamaican.
<poem>'''Amy''': Wow.</poem>
" (Laughs) Good one at my expense, Hermes.
<poem>'''Fry''': Nice shiny metal ass, Hermes.</poem>
Mmm, well, I must admit it's not bad.
:[''Bender''' grunts and stammers]
And it will cut two or three hours a day off my cornrowing routine.
<poem>'''Amy''': So, with all these implants, what exactly is the difference between you and a robot?</poem>
Yes, our lives will never be the same.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I still have one thing no robot shall ever have a good old flesh-and- blood human brain.</poem>
Darn it! I'll be right back.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Yes, a big, smart brain. Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right?</poem>
(Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a cylon eye for? Now, calm down, dear.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense.</poem>
You know, you look even hotter in infrared.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Uh, Mr. Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me?</poem>
(Moaning, smooching) (Whirring) Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Yes, yes, doctor. Right here.</poem>
Now, you must promise me you won't be getting any more upgrades.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Wait. You're not eating my discarded flesh, are you?</poem>
I promise.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': How could you even ask such a thing? Of course, I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy.</poem>
(Oohing and aahing) Wow.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Thanks to years of Labarbara's curried goat, no doubt. But my mecha-stomach has no need of goat. Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces.</poem>
Nice, shiny metal ass, Hermes.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Something wonderful.</poem>
(Grunts, stammers) So, with all these implants, what exactly is the difference between you and a robot? I still have one thing no robot shall ever have a good old flesh-and- blood human brain.
<poem>'''Florp''': Give it way up for Dr. Zoidberg and Little Hermes.</poem>
Yes, a big, smart brain.
:''[Cheering and applause.]''
Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right? Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Hello! Hello! So, Little Hermes, did you hear I've taken up running?</poem>
Uh, Mr.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': "Yeah, from restaurant to restaurant. Ho ho, mon."</poem>
Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me? Yes, yes, doctor.
:''[Audience laughing]''
Right here.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': "Seriously, though, have you lost weight?"</poem>
(Squealing) Wait.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Yes.</poem>
You're not eating my discarded flesh, are you? How could you even ask such a thing? Of course, I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': "Looks like you found it again."</poem>
Thanks to years of Labarbara's curried goat, no doubt.
:''[Little Hermes and audience laugh.]''
But my mecha-stomach has no need of goat.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Oh, boy. That was quite a zinger, old friend.</poem>
Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': "I'm not your friend. I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels."</poem>
Something wonderful.
:''[Audience laughing']]
Florp: Give it way up for Dr.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week.</poem>
Zoidberg and little Hermes.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': "You've been warned, people.</poem>
(Cheering and applause) Hello.
:''[Audience laughing']]
Hello.
<poem>'''Amy''': (laughing) He's good. I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving.</poem>
So, little Hermes, did you hear I've taken up running? "Yeah, from restaurant to restaurant.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': So, Mr. Conrad, did you enjoy the show?</poem>
Ho ho, mon.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Alas, no. Seeing what I once was filled me with regret.</poem>
" (Audience laughing) "Seriously, though, have you lost weight?" Yes.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': You could always undo your implants.</poem>
"Looks like you found it again.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade.</poem>
" (Laughs) (Audience laughing) Oh, boy.
<poem>'''Fry''': But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain.</poem>
That was quite a zinger, old friend.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Exactly.</poem>
"I'm not your friend.
:''[Bender, Leela, Fry, Zoidberg and Amy gasp.]
I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Oops.</poem>
" (Audience laughing) Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
:''['''Little Hermes''' gasps.]''
I'll be here all week.
<poem>'''Yuri''': Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that.</poem>
"You've been warned, people.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': (laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave.</poem>
" (Laughs) He's good.
<poem>'''Bender''': Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom.</poem>
I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Step aside.</poem>
So, Mr.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Bing-reka! The brain circuit. Come, fellows. Let's go home and install it.</poem>
Conrad, did you enjoy the show? Alas, no.
<poem>'''Bender''': Enjoy eternity without your brain, anonymous dead robot.</poem>
Seeing what I once was filled me with regret.
:''[Bender chuckles. Wind howls. Electrical buzzing.]''
You could always undo your implants.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': So, Little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery?</poem>
Regret that I still have one human part.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap."</poem>
That meat puppet disgusts me.
:''[Amy, Bender, Leela and Fry laugh]''
It's time for the ultimate upgrade.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! ''[Clanking. Birds chirping.]'' Ah, now I can see what I'm doing. Commence the operation!</poem>
But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain.
<poem>'''Labarbara''': Terminate the operation!</poem>
Exactly.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Labarbara? Dwight?</poem>
(All gasping) Oops.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': I just got an urgent text from Little Hermes. You can't do this thing! You don't even know whose brain that is.</poem>
(Gasps) Robot brain implant? Never.
<poem>'''Hermes''': It doesn't matter. Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father.</poem>
No one in right mind would do that.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son.</poem>
(Laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Wait. I care about you too much to lose you. But my new robot brain won't. Commence the operation.</poem>
Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom.
:''[All gasp.]''
Step aside.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes. And commence living without me. Because I will commence divorce proceedings. Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly.</poem>
Bing-reka! The brain circuit.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Oh, I can't do this, Hermes. Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors.</poem>
Come, fellows.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Oh, thank you, Professor. Come now. Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about.</poem>
Let's go home and install it.
<poem>'''Hermes''': There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.</poem>
Enjoy eternity without your brain, anonymous dead robot.
:''[Whirring]''
(Bender chuckling) (Wind howling) (Electrical buzzing) So, little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery? "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': You can't force me to operate.</poem>
" (Laughing) Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! (Clanking) (Birds chirping) Ah, now I can see what I'm doing.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill.</poem>
Commence the operation! Labarbara: Terminate the operation.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Wait. I'll perform the surgery.</poem>
Labarbara? Dwight? I just got an urgent text from little Hermes.
<poem>'''Hermes''': You? With those clumsy claws?</poem>
You can't do this thing.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': It's true, old friend. My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work.</poem>
You don't even know whose brain that is.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': "But mine aren't. You, mon, give me that robot brain."</poem>
It doesn't matter.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': And you, metal guy, lie down.</poem>
Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father.
<poem>'''Leela''': Zoidberg, this makes no sense. Why are you helping him?</poem>
You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son.
:''[Drumbeat playing]''
Wait.
<poem>'''Bender''': And what's that catchy beat?</poem>
I care about you too much to lose you.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': I'll tell you.</poem>
But my new robot brain won't.
<poem>Two, three I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago
Commence the operation.
when a happy thought dispelled my woe
(All gasping) Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes.
and I felt perhaps he'd be a bit less dull
And commence living without me.
'''Little Hermes''': if I sliced up his cyborg skull
Because I will commence divorce proceedings.
'''Zoidberg and Little Hermes''': (in harmony) he wants a brain
Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly.
'''Zoidberg''': he wants a robot brain
Oh, I can't do this, Hermes.
'''Zoidberg and Little Hermes''': (in harmony) another brain
Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors.
'''Zoidberg''': let's see if he feels pain
Oh, thank you, Professor.
'''Zoidberg and Little Hermes''': (in harmony) a brand-new brain
Come now.
'''Zoidberg''': it might drive him insane
Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about.
'''Zoidberg and Little Hermes''': (in harmony) he wants a brain
There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.
'''Zoidberg''': he wants a robot brain
(Whirring) You can't force me to operate.
'''Zoidberg and Little Hermes''': (in harmony) wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh</poem>
Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill.
<poem>'''Amy''': Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself?</poem>
Zoidberg: Wait.
<poem>'''Fry''': Oh, loosen up, Amy.</poem>
I'll perform the surgery.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': My condolences, Labarbara. I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue.</poem>
You? With those clumsy claws? It's true, old friend.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': (sobbing) Oh, he's gone! Oh, Zoidberg, what have you done?</poem>
My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': I'll tell you what I've done. I've brought your husband back.</poem>
"But mine aren't.
:''[All gasping]''
" You, mon, give me that robot brain.
<poem>'''Dwight''': Pops.</poem>
And you, metal guy, lie down.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Sweet reawakenin' Of me, a Jamaican-in.</poem>
Zoidberg, this makes no sense.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Hermes, you're alive.</poem>
Why are you helping him? (Drumbeat playing) And what's that catchy beat? I'll tell you.
<poem>'''Dwight''': And practically rhyming.</poem>
Two, three I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago ♪
<poem>'''Hermes''': Wife, son, I am so sorry. Once I started upgrading myself, I lost all control. But I see now that if you can't be man enough with your own parts, no amount of machinery will help.</poem>
when a happy thought dispelled my woe ♪
<poem>'''Roberto''': (in Mecha-Hermes' body) Not so fast.</poem>
and I felt perhaps he'd be a bit less dull ♪
:''[All gasp.]''
if I sliced up his cyborg skull ♪
<poem>'''Roberto''': But faster than that!</poem>
he wants a brain he wants a robot brain another brain let's see if he feels pain ♪
<poem>'''Hermes''': It's that insane robot, Roberto.</poem>
a brand-new brain it might drive him insane he wants a brain he wants a robot brain wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself? Oh, loosen up, Amy.
:''[All scream.]''
My condolences, Labarbara.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Quick, Hermes, the keys.</poem>
I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I left them in my other body.</poem>
(Sobbing): Oh, he's gone! Oh, Zoidberg, what have you done? I'll tell you what I've done.
<poem>'''Roberto''': Oh, yeah. And I'm-a stick 'em in your pancreas till I find one that opens it.</poem>
I've brought your husband back.
:''[Roberto yells à la Tarzan.]''
(Slurps) (All gasping) Pops.
:''[All yell.]''
Sweet reawakenin' Of me, a Jamaican-in.
<poem>'''Roberto''': I'm gonna peel off your skin and eat it like pencil shavings.</poem>
Hermes, you're alive.
:''[Hermes gasps.]''
And practically rhyming.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Ow! Thank God Zoidberg didn't reattach my nerves.</poem>
Wife, son, I am so sorry.
<poem>'''Roberto''': Mmm, that's tasty. Too tasty. [Whimpers.] It burns. It it burns! (screaming)</poem>
Once I started upgrading myself, I lost all control.
<poem>'''Fry''': What's happening?</poem>
But I see now that if you can't be man enough with your own parts, no amount of machinery will help.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': The spicy curried goat. Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot.</poem>
Not so fast.
<poem>'''Hermes''': In the end, all his implants were no match for my wife's reckless seasoning.</poem>
(All gasping) But faster than that! It's that insane robot, Roberto.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Now, husband, don't you think you owe Zoidberg a thank-you for saving you from yourself?</poem>
(All screaming) Quick, Hermes, the keys.
<poem>'''Hermes''': But I hate him.</poem>
I left them in my other body.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Honey, we all do. But fair is fair.</poem>
Oh, yeah.
:''[Hermes clears his throat.]''
And I'm-a stick 'em in your pancreas till I find one that opens it.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Zoidberg, I I know we have never been friends, but I appreciate what you did. Thank you.</poem>
(Laughs) (Frightened yelping) (Roberto yelling ŕ LA Tarzan) (All screaming) I'm gonna peel off your skin and eat it like pencil shavings.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Never been friends? Ouch! What a zinger. Well, here's one for you, Mr. Not-My-Friend Conrad. [Grunts.] You acted like a big jerk. You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like LaBarbara or a friend like me.</poem>
(Gasps) Ow! Thank God Zoidberg didn't reattach my nerves.
:''[Bender laughs.]''
Mmm, that's tasty.
<poem>'''Bender''': It's funny because it's mean.</poem>
Too tasty.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here forever.</poem>
(Whimpers) It burns.
:''[Zoidberg sings in harmony with himself.]''
It it burns! (Screaming) What's happening? The spicy curried goat.
<poem>'''Amy''': Ugh. He's doing it again.</poem>
Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot.
In the end, all his implants were no match for my wife's reckless seasoning.
Now, husband, don't you think you owe Zoidberg a thank-you for saving you from yourself? But I hate him.
Honey, we all do.
But fair is fair.
(Clears throat) Zoidberg, I I know we have never been friends, but I appreciate what you did.
Thank you.
Never been friends? Ouch! What a zinger.
Well, here's one for you, Mr.
not-my-friend Conrad.
(Grunts) You acted like a big jerk.
You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like Labarbara or a friend like me.
(Laughing) It's funny because it's mean.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll be here forever.
Wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh Ugh.
He's doing it again.
Wa-wa-ooh, wa-wa-ooh

Latest revision as of 09:07, 8 February 2020

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[Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Worth 250 Futurama Points.]
[Scene: Planet Express Building, conference room. Everyone but Hermes is seated at the conference table, looking up as Hermes descends from somewhere above, riding some sort of jet-powered hover disc.]

Hermes: People, as company bureaucrat, I will today be conducting the annual performance review. With a twist.

[Hermes pulls a string in his collar, causing a necktie to unfurl. Everyone gasps.]

Fry: Oh, no. The firing tie.

Hermes: Correct. I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown. [lowers his voice] Zoidberg.

Zoidberg: [laughs] Classic Hermes.

Hermes: Let the interviews begin. Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.

[Cut to: Professor Farnsworth's lab. Hermes, holding a pen and clipboard, is standing in front of the lab's bench; Amy is standing behind it.]

Amy: My primary duties? Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.

[She turns to indicate the Professor, who is asleep in a recliner, snoring.]

Amy: Uh, yes, sir, [she shuffles some papers nervously] I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away.

[She picks up a small lamp and makes a snoring sound into it. Hermes writes a note on his clipboard.]
[Cut to: Somewhere in space. Fry and Bender are outside the Planet Express ship, holding a crate marked ASHES FOR SPACE BURIAL. Hermes and Leela are standing on the ship's hull.]

Hermes: Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship?

Leela: Not if you stand on their air hose much longer.

[Hermes notices that he is standing on the hose, causing a large air bubble to form.]

Hermes: Noted.

[He lifts his foot; the air bubble rushes down the hose, causing Fry's and Bender's space suits to over-inflate and explode.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express boiler room. Hermes is interviewing Scruffy, who is lying down on his cot.]

Scruffy: My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.

[He picks up, and starts reading, a magazine titled ASTOUNDING TALES OF DOING IT. Hermes, shaking his head, makes a note on his clipboard.]
[Time Lapse. The team is gathered around the conference table again. Hermes stands facing them.]

Hermes: Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today. And that employee is -

[Dramatic pause. Everyone scoots away from Zoidberg, who is seated in the middle.]

Hermes: - Hermes Conrad.

Amy: What?!

Leela: No way!

Zoidberg: Hermes, no!

Hermes: Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.

Fry: But you can't fire yourself now. We were just getting to know each other.

Hermes: I've already notified the central bureaucracy. [The doorbell rings.] They'll be here two seconds ago.

[Cut to: The Planet Express lobby. The crew is gathered behind Hermes as he answers the door. Center Square Guy enters.]

Hermes: I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in?

Center Square Guy: Only if you buy me dinner first.

[All but Hermes laugh.]

Hermes: I'm being fired. I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that.

Center Square Guy: You're right, Hermes. Meet Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.

Mark 7-G: [entering the lobby] I'm Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.

Hermes: [sighs] Will you be conducting an exit interview?

Center Square Guy: Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.

[Again, all but Hermes laugh.]

Mark 7-G: Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty.

Center Square Guy: Sounds like a party.
[Once more, all but Hermes laugh.]

Center Square Guy: Good-bye. [He leaves the building; the crew breaks into applause.]

[Hermes takes his personnel file out of his jacket, stamps it FIRED, and feeds it into a slot in Mark 7-G.]

Hermes: Well, this is it. But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime.

Farnsworth: [makes a shooing motion with his hands] Off you go.

[Hermes leaves the building, looks back once. The doors close behind him.]

Bender: [to Mark 7-G] So, I hear you're a machine - [Zoidberg slaps Bender.] ow!

Zoidberg: Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?

Amy: Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone.

Zoidberg: What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing.

Bender: Oy.

Zoidberg: You don't understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.

Leela: I insult you, you fat sack.

Zoidberg: Sure, when it's convenient. But Hermes was always there for me. And now he's gone, thanks to you, Mr. Bigshot 7-G. [He kicks Mark 7-G, starts sobbing.] I'll never see Hermes again.

[Cut to: The Conrad home. Hermes and Dwight are at the dining room table; LaBarbara brings a pot of food from the kitchen.]

Hermes: On the bright side, I'll never see Zoidberg again.

LaBarbara: Aw, there, there, husband. I made your favorite, curried goat.

Hermes: It better be spicy.

Judge Whitey: Well played.

Sal: Ows.

(Robots screaming)

Robot Devil: Ah, fire. Aah! It burns! It burns!

Hermes: Hmm, not bad. Needs a little hot sauce.

Hermes: I just don't know how we'll get by.

LaBarbara: Then I guess this wouldn't be a good time to tell you that I'm pregnant.

Hermes: What?!

LaBarbara: And you're not the father.

Hermes: No!

LaBarbara: I'm just joking, husband. See now? Things don't seem so bad any more, do they?

Hermes: You're right. Thank you, LaBarbara.

LaBarbara: Oh, also, I wrecked the car.

[Roberto jumps out from behind a tree. He is carrying three knives.]

Roberto: This here is a mugging! Hand over your skin.

LaBarbara: My ebony splendor? Me don't think so.

Roberto: I said hand it over. I'm hungry! Ha-haw! Ha-haw!

Hermes: For God's sake, woman, just give him your skin! Can't you see he's crazy?!

Roberto: You calling me cra---zy?! Ain't nothing crazy about me but my brain. Right, brain? Right! No, not you, right brain. Right, left brain? Right! Okay, then. Ha-haw!

LaBarbara: Do something, Hermes.

Hermes: I can't! When I fight machinery, machinery always wins!

URL: Freeze, bagwad!

Smitty: You're under arrest for attempted epidermicide.

Roberto: I'm coming for you, man. Ain't no jail can hold me.

URL: That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair.

Roberto: And then I'm-a stab it. Ha-haw!

(Siren wails) (Magnets hum)

Roberto: S-s-stop! It's driving me sane!

(Screaming)

Fry: Hey, Bender, you should become an executioner. You could kill humans and wear a cool hood.

Bender: Nah, I like my victims to know who did it.

Hermes: Psst!

Bender: Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent to see you.

Hermes: We need to talk alone.

Fry: Okay, Hermes. Sure.

Leela: [in shower] Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil?

Fry: In a second. I'm eavesdropping.

[Amy appears behind Leela in the shower.]

Amy: Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough.

Fry: I said not now!

Bender: Sure, I know a guy.

Bender: Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown.

Hermes: So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of body augmentation.

Yuri: I am expert in shadowy field of many things.

Hermes: I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery. Can you help me?

Yuri: No problem. I prepare operating room.

(Cat yowls)

Hermes: Oh, honey, I'm home!

Dwight: Pops?!

LaBarbara: Is that a harpoon in your chest?

Hermes: Yes. And I'm happy to see you. Mmm. And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be.

Amy: I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous. But do you really need chest artillery?

Hermes: It's not just a weapon. It's the bureaucrat's best friend. Observe. Oh, Mark 7-G? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf?

Zoidberg: [grunting] [Laughs.] Pitiful and sickening.

Hermes: Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done.

Mark 7-G: My best wasn't good enough.

Hermes: I'll need my personnel file, please.

Zoidberg: Welcome back, old friend. I missed you terribly.

Hermes: You do everything terribly. And I'm not your friend.

Zoidberg: [laughs] Good old Hermes. When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.

Farnsworth: Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal. Scruffy, could you retrieve them?

Scruffy: 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet. Pass.

Hermes: [Sighs.] I'll fetch my hand tools.

Bender: Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine?

Hermes: Oh, no. No more implants. I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.

Bender: That's sweet, Hermes.

Mark 7-G: Maybe I should get an extendo-arm.

Hermes: How long will it take to install an extendo-arm?

Yuri: I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour.

Farnsworth: [Grunts.] [garbled] Thank you, Hermes.

Fry: I don't know. It seems like a lot of trouble to cut off your arm just to snake a drain.

Hermes: Ah-ah-ah, it's not just a drain snake. It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories. Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig.

Bender: A machine that can bend? No way.

Zoidberg: But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants?

Hermes: Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.

Zoidberg: Such a mild insult. That's not my Hermes. Speaking of What happened to your cutoff body parts anyhow?

Hermes: Right here. I was going to donate them to the salvation air force, but they're starting to rot.

Zoidberg: Then I'll just take them and, uh, throw them away, shall I why not? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah.

Zoidberg: So, friend, welcome to my home. I'm very proud of it. But I want to hear what you think.

Zoidberg: [imitating Hermes] "Oh, mon, I'm Hermes, and I think it stinks in here like a green snake, or something else that's Jamaican."

Zoidberg: [laughs] Good one at my expense, Hermes.

LaBarbara: Mmm, well, I must admit it's not bad. And it will cut two or three hours a day off my cornrowing routine.

Hermes: Yes, our lives will never be the same. Darn it! I'll be right back.

LaBarbara: (Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a Cylon eye for?

Hermes: Now, calm down, dear. You know, you look even hotter in infrared.

[Moaning, smooching]
[Whirring]

LaBarbara: Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned. Now, you must promise me you won't be getting any more upgrades.

Hermes: I promise.

[Bender, Fry, Farnsworth, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg ooh and aah]

Amy: Wow.

Fry: Nice shiny metal ass, Hermes.

[Bender' grunts and stammers]

Amy: So, with all these implants, what exactly is the difference between you and a robot?

Hermes: I still have one thing no robot shall ever have a good old flesh-and- blood human brain.

Zoidberg: Yes, a big, smart brain. Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right?

Hermes: Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense.

Zoidberg: Uh, Mr. Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me?

Hermes: Yes, yes, doctor. Right here.

Hermes: Wait. You're not eating my discarded flesh, are you?

Zoidberg: How could you even ask such a thing? Of course, I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy.

Hermes: Thanks to years of Labarbara's curried goat, no doubt. But my mecha-stomach has no need of goat. Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces.

Zoidberg: Something wonderful.

Florp: Give it way up for Dr. Zoidberg and Little Hermes.

[Cheering and applause.]

Zoidberg: Hello! Hello! So, Little Hermes, did you hear I've taken up running?

Little Hermes: "Yeah, from restaurant to restaurant. Ho ho, mon."

[Audience laughing]

Little Hermes: "Seriously, though, have you lost weight?"

Zoidberg: Yes.

Little Hermes: "Looks like you found it again."

[Little Hermes and audience laugh.]

Zoidberg: Oh, boy. That was quite a zinger, old friend.

Little Hermes: "I'm not your friend. I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels."

[Audience laughing']]

Zoidberg: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week.

Little Hermes: "You've been warned, people.

[Audience laughing']]

Amy: (laughing) He's good. I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving.

Little Hermes: So, Mr. Conrad, did you enjoy the show?

Hermes: Alas, no. Seeing what I once was filled me with regret.

Zoidberg: You could always undo your implants.

Hermes: Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade.

Fry: But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain.

Hermes: Exactly.

[Bender, Leela, Fry, Zoidberg and Amy gasp.]

Zoidberg: Oops.

[Little Hermes gasps.]

Yuri: Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that.

Farnsworth: (laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave.

Bender: Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom.

Hermes: Step aside.

Farnsworth: Bing-reka! The brain circuit. Come, fellows. Let's go home and install it.

Bender: Enjoy eternity without your brain, anonymous dead robot.

[Bender chuckles. Wind howls. Electrical buzzing.]

Zoidberg: So, Little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery?

Little Hermes: "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap."

[Amy, Bender, Leela and Fry laugh]

Farnsworth: Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! [Clanking. Birds chirping.] Ah, now I can see what I'm doing. Commence the operation!

Labarbara: Terminate the operation!

Hermes: Labarbara? Dwight?

LaBarbara: I just got an urgent text from Little Hermes. You can't do this thing! You don't even know whose brain that is.

Hermes: It doesn't matter. Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father.

LaBarbara: You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son.

Hermes: Wait. I care about you too much to lose you. But my new robot brain won't. Commence the operation.

[All gasp.]

LaBarbara: Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes. And commence living without me. Because I will commence divorce proceedings. Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly.

Farnsworth: Oh, I can't do this, Hermes. Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors.

LaBarbara: Oh, thank you, Professor. Come now. Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about.

Hermes: There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.

[Whirring]

Farnsworth: You can't force me to operate.

Hermes: Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill.

Zoidberg: Wait. I'll perform the surgery.

Hermes: You? With those clumsy claws?

Zoidberg: It's true, old friend. My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work.

Little Hermes: "But mine aren't. You, mon, give me that robot brain."

Zoidberg: And you, metal guy, lie down.

Leela: Zoidberg, this makes no sense. Why are you helping him?

[Drumbeat playing]

Bender: And what's that catchy beat?

Zoidberg: I'll tell you.

Two, three I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago
when a happy thought dispelled my woe
and I felt perhaps he'd be a bit less dull
Little Hermes: if I sliced up his cyborg skull
Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) he wants a brain
Zoidberg: he wants a robot brain
Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) another brain
Zoidberg: let's see if he feels pain
Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) a brand-new brain
Zoidberg: it might drive him insane
Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) he wants a brain
Zoidberg: he wants a robot brain
Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh

Amy: Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself?

Fry: Oh, loosen up, Amy.

Farnsworth: My condolences, Labarbara. I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue.

LaBarbara: (sobbing) Oh, he's gone! Oh, Zoidberg, what have you done?

Zoidberg: I'll tell you what I've done. I've brought your husband back.

[All gasping]

Dwight: Pops.

Hermes: Sweet reawakenin' Of me, a Jamaican-in.

LaBarbara: Hermes, you're alive.

Dwight: And practically rhyming.

Hermes: Wife, son, I am so sorry. Once I started upgrading myself, I lost all control. But I see now that if you can't be man enough with your own parts, no amount of machinery will help.

Roberto: (in Mecha-Hermes' body) Not so fast.

[All gasp.]

Roberto: But faster than that!

Hermes: It's that insane robot, Roberto.

[All scream.]

Farnsworth: Quick, Hermes, the keys.

Hermes: I left them in my other body.

Roberto: Oh, yeah. And I'm-a stick 'em in your pancreas till I find one that opens it.

[Roberto yells à la Tarzan.]
[All yell.]

Roberto: I'm gonna peel off your skin and eat it like pencil shavings.

[Hermes gasps.]

Hermes: Ow! Thank God Zoidberg didn't reattach my nerves.

Roberto: Mmm, that's tasty. Too tasty. [Whimpers.] It burns. It it burns! (screaming)

Fry: What's happening?

Zoidberg: The spicy curried goat. Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot.

Hermes: In the end, all his implants were no match for my wife's reckless seasoning.

LaBarbara: Now, husband, don't you think you owe Zoidberg a thank-you for saving you from yourself?

Hermes: But I hate him.

LaBarbara: Honey, we all do. But fair is fair.

[Hermes clears his throat.]

Hermes: Zoidberg, I I know we have never been friends, but I appreciate what you did. Thank you.

Zoidberg: Never been friends? Ouch! What a zinger. Well, here's one for you, Mr. Not-My-Friend Conrad. [Grunts.] You acted like a big jerk. You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like LaBarbara or a friend like me.

[Bender laughs.]

Bender: It's funny because it's mean.

Zoidberg: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here forever.

[Zoidberg sings in harmony with himself.]

Amy: Ugh. He's doing it again.

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