Difference between revisions of "Transcript:The Six Million Dollar Mon"

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people, as company bureaucrat, I will today be conducting the annual performance review.
:''[Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Worth 250 Futurama Points.]''
With a twist.
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express Building, conference room. Everyone but Hermes is seated at the conference table, looking up as Hermes descends from somewhere above, riding some sort of jet-powered hover disc.]''
(All gasp) Oh, no.
<poem>'''{{Hermes}}''': People, as company bureaucrat, I will today be conducting the annual performance review. With a twist.</poem>
The firing tie.
:''[Hermes pulls a string in his collar, causing a necktie to unfurl. Everyone gasps.]''
Correct.
<poem>'''{{Fry}}''': Oh, no. The firing tie.
I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Correct. I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown. [''lowers his voice''] Zoidberg.</poem>
Zoidberg.
<poem>'''{{Zoidberg}}''': [''laughs''] Classic Hermes.</poem>
(Laughs) Classic Hermes.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Let the interviews begin. Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.</poem>
Let the interviews begin.
:''['''Cut to''': Professor Farnsworth's lab. Hermes, holding a pen and clipboard, is standing in front of the lab's bench; Amy is standing behind it.]''
Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.
<poem>'''{{Amy}}''': My primary duties? Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.
My primary duties? Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.
:''[She turns to indicate the Professor, who is asleep in a recliner, snoring.]''
(Snoring) Uh, yes, sir, I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away.
<poem>'''Amy''': Uh, yes, sir, [''she shuffles some papers nervously''] I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away.</poem>
(Snores) Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship? Not if you stand on their air hose much longer.
:''[She picks up a small lamp and makes a snoring sound into it. Hermes writes a note on his clipboard.]''
Noted.
:''['''Cut to''': Somewhere in space. Fry and Bender are outside the Planet Express ship, holding a crate marked ASHES FOR SPACE BURIAL. Hermes and Leela are standing on the ship's hull.]''
(Air hisses) (Both scream) My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship?</poem>
Plus that one boiling toilet.
<poem>'''{{Leela}}''': Not if you stand on their air hose much longer.</poem>
Fire me iffen you dare.
:''[Hermes notices that he is standing on the hose, causing a large air bubble to form.]''
Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Noted.</poem>
And that employee is Hermes Conrad.
:''[He lifts his foot; the air bubble rushes down the hose, causing Fry's and Bender's space suits to over-inflate and explode.]''
What?! No way! Hermes, no! Yes.
:''['''Cut to''': The Planet Express boiler room. Hermes is interviewing Scruffy, who is lying down on his cot.]''
My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.
<poem>'''[[Scruffy]]''': My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.</poem>
But you can't fire yourself now.
:''[He picks up, and starts reading, a magazine titled ASTOUNDING TALES OF DOING IT. Hermes, shaking his head, makes a note on his clipboard.]''
We were just getting to know each other.
:''['''Time Lapse'''. The team is gathered around the conference table again. Hermes stands facing them.]''
I've already notified the central bureaucracy.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today. And that employee is - </poem>
(Doorbell rings) They'll be here two seconds ago.
:''[Dramatic pause. Everyone scoots away from Zoidberg, who is seated in the middle.]''
I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in? Only if you buy me dinner first.
<poem>'''Hermes''': - Hermes Conrad.</poem>
(All laugh) I'm being fired.
<poem>'''Amy''': What?!</poem>
I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that.
<poem>'''Leela''': No way!</poem>
You're right, Hermes.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Hermes, no!</poem>
Meet mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.</poem>
I'm mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.
<poem>'''Fry''': But you can't fire yourself now. We were just getting to know each other.
(Sighs) Will you be conducting an exit interview? Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I've already notified the central bureaucracy. [''The doorbell rings.''] They'll be here two seconds ago.</poem>
(All laugh) Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty.
:''['''Cut to''': The Planet Express lobby. The crew is gathered behind Hermes as he answers the door.  Center Square Guy enters.]''
Sounds like a party.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in?</poem>
(All laugh) Good-bye.
<poem>'''[[Center Square Guy]]''': Only if you buy me dinner first.</poem>
(Sighs) (Computer whirs, buzzes) Well, this is it.
:''[All but Hermes laugh.]''
But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I'm being fired. I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that.</poem>
Off you go.
<poem>'''Center Square Guy''': You're right, Hermes. Meet Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.</poem>
So, I hear you're a machine ow! Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement? Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you.
<poem>'''[[Mark 7-G]]''': [entering the lobby] I'm Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.</poem>
In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone.
<poem>'''Hermes''': [''sighs''] Will you be conducting an exit interview?</poem>
What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing.
<poem>'''Center Square Guy''': Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.</poem>
Oy.
:''[Again, all but Hermes laugh.]''
You don't understand.
<poem>'''Mark 7-G''': Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty.</poem>
He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.
<poem>'''Center Square Guy''': Sounds like a party.
I insult you, you fat sack.
:''[Once more, all but Hermes laugh.]''
Sure, when it's convenient.
<poem>'''Center Square Guy''': Good-bye. [''He leaves the building; the crew breaks into applause''.]</poem>
But Hermes was always there for me.
:''[Hermes takes his personnel file out of his jacket, stamps it FIRED, and feeds it into a slot in Mark 7-G.]''
And now he's gone, thanks to you, Mr.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Well, this is it. But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime.</poem>
bigshot 7-G.
<poem>'''{{Farnsworth}}''': [''makes a shooing motion with his hands''] Off you go.</poem>
(Sniffles) I'll never see Hermes again.
:''[Hermes leaves the building, looks back once. The doors close behind him.]''
On the bright side, I'll never see Zoidberg again.
<poem>'''{{Bender}}''': [to Mark 7-G] So, I hear you're a machine - [''Zoidberg slaps Bender.''] ow!</poem>
Aw, there, there, husband.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?</poem>
I made your favorite, curried goat.
<poem>'''Amy''': Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone.</poem>
It better be spicy.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing.</poem>
(Sizzles) Well played.
<poem>'''Bender''': Oy.</poem>
Ows.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': You don't understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.</poem>
(Robots screaming) Ah.
<poem>'''Leela''': I insult you, you fat sack.</poem>
Fire.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Sure, when it's convenient. But Hermes was always there for me. And now he's gone, thanks to you, Mr. Bigshot 7-G. [''He kicks Mark 7-G, starts sobbing.''] I'll never see Hermes again.</poem>
Aah! It burns! It burns! Hmm, not bad.
:''['''Cut to''': The Conrad home. Hermes and Dwight are at the dining room table; LaBarbara brings a pot of food from the kitchen.]''
Needs a little hot sauce.
<poem>'''Hermes''': On the bright side, I'll never see Zoidberg again.</poem>
(Sighs) I just don't know how we'll get by.
<poem>'''{{LaBarbara}}''': Aw, there, there, husband. I made your favorite, curried goat.</poem>
Then I guess this wouldn't be a good time to tell you that I'm pregnant.
<poem>'''Hermes''': It better be spicy.</poem>
What?! And you're not the father.
<poem>'''[[Ron Whitey|Judge Whitey]]''': Well played.</poem>
No! (Laughs) I'm just joking, husband.
<poem>'''[[Sal]]''': Ows.</poem>
See now? Things don't seem so bad any more, do they? You're right.
(Robots screaming)
Thank you, Labarbara.
<poem>'''[[Robot Devil]]''': Ah, fire. Aah! It burns! It burns!</poem>
Oh, also, I wrecked the car.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Hmm, not bad. Needs a little hot sauce.</poem>
(Both gasp) This here is a mugging! Hand over your skin.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I just don't know how we'll get by.</poem>
My ebony splendor? Me don't think so.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Then I guess this wouldn't be a good time to tell you that I'm pregnant.</poem>
I said hand it over.
<poem>'''Hermes''': What?!</poem>
I'm hungry! Ha-haw! Ha-haw! (Both gasping) For God's sake, woman, just give him your skin! Can't you see he's crazy?! You calling me cra zy?! Ain't nothing crazy about me but my brain.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': And you're not the father.<poem>
Right, brain? Right! No, not you, right brain.
No!
Right, left brain? Right! Okay, then.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': I'm just joking, husband. See now? Things don't seem so bad any more, do they?</poem>
Ha-haw! Do something, Hermes.
<poem>'''Hermes''': You're right. Thank you, LaBarbara.</poem>
I can't! When I fight machinery, machinery always wins! Officer: Freeze, bagwad.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Oh, also, I wrecked the car.<poem>
(Robot screams) You're under arrest for attempted epidermicide.
:''[Roberto jumps out from behind a tree. He is carrying three knives.]''
I'm coming for you, man.
<poem>'''[[Roberto]]''': This here is a mugging! Hand over your skin.</poem>
Ain't no jail can hold me.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': My ebony splendor? Me don't think so.</poem>
That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair.
<poem>'''Roberto''': I said hand it over. I'm hungry! Ha-haw! Ha-haw!</poem>
And then I'm-a stab it.
<poem>'''Hermes''': For God's sake, woman, just give him your skin! Can't you see he's crazy?!</poem>
Ha-haw! (Siren wails) (Magnets hum) S-s-stop! It's driving me sane! (Screaming) Hey, Bender, you should become an executioner.
<poem>'''Roberto''': You calling me cra---zy?! Ain't nothing crazy about me but my brain. Right, brain? Right! No, not you, right brain. Right, left brain? Right! Okay, then. Ha-haw!</poem>
You could kill humans and wear a cool hood.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Do something, Hermes.</poem>
Nah, I like my victims to know who did it.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I can't! When I fight machinery, machinery always wins!</poem>
Psst! Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent to see you.
<poem>'''[[URL]]''': Freeze, bagwad!</poem>
We need to talk alone.
<poem>'''[[Smitty]]''': You're under arrest for attempted epidermicide.</poem>
Okay, Hermes.
<poem>'''Roberto''': I'm coming for you, man. Ain't no jail can hold me.</poem>
Sure.
<poem>'''URL''': That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair.</poem>
Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil? In a second.
<poem>'''Roberto''': And then I'm-a stab it. Ha-haw!</poem>
I'm eavesdropping.
(Siren wails) (Magnets hum)
Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough.
<poem>'''Roberto''': S-s-stop! It's driving me sane!</poem>
I said not now! Sure, I know a guy.
(Screaming)
(Siren wails, dog howls) Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown.
<poem>'''Fry''': Hey, Bender, you should become an executioner. You could kill humans and wear a cool hood.</poem>
So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of "body augmentation".
<poem>'''Bender''': Nah, I like my victims to know who did it.</poem>
I am expert in shadowy field of many things.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Psst!</poem>
I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery.
<poem>'''Bender''': Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent to see you.</poem>
Can you help me? No problem.
<poem>'''Hermes''': We need to talk alone.</poem>
I prepare operating room.
Okay, Hermes. Sure.
(Cat yowls) Hermes: Oh, honey, I'm home! Pops?! Is that a harpoon in your chest? Yes.
<poem>'''Leela''': [in shower] Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil?</poem>
And I'm happy to see you.
<poem>'''Fry''': In a second. I'm eavesdropping.</poem>
:''[Amy appears behind Leela in the shower.]''
<poem>'''Amy''': Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough.</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': I said not now!</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': Sure, I know a guy.</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of body augmentation.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Yuri]]''': I am expert in shadowy field of many things.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery. Can you help me?</poem>
<poem>'''Yuri''': No problem. I prepare operating room.</poem>
(Cat yowls)
<poem>'''Hermes''': Oh, honey, I'm home!</poem>
Pops?! Is that a harpoon in your chest?
Yes. And I'm happy to see you.
Mmm And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be.
Mmm And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be.
I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous.
I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous.
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It's the bureaucrat's best friend.
It's the bureaucrat's best friend.
Observe.
Observe.
(Sing-songy): Oh, mark 7-g? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf? (Grunting) (Laughs) Pitiful and sickening.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Oh, Mark 7-G? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf?
Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done.
(Grunting) (Laughs) Pitiful and sickening.
My best wasn't good enough.
Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done.</poem>
I'll need my personnel file, please.
<poem>'''Mark 7-G''': My best wasn't good enough.</poem>
Welcome back, old friend.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I'll need my personnel file, please.</poem>
I missed you terribly.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Welcome back, old friend. I missed you terribly.</poem>
You do everything terribly.
<poem>'''Hermes''': You do everything terribly. And I'm not your friend.</poem>
And I'm not your friend.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': [''laughs''] Good old Hermes. When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.</poem>
(Laughs) Good old Hermes.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal. Scruffy, could you retrieve them?</poem>
When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.
<poem>'''Scruffy''': 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet. Pass.</poem>
Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal.
Scruffy, could you retrieve them? 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet.
Pass.
(Sighs) I'll fetch my hand tools.
(Sighs) I'll fetch my hand tools.
Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine? (Whirring) Oh, no.
Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine? (Whirring) Oh, no.
Line 127: Line 137:
I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.
I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.
That's sweet, Hermes.
That's sweet, Hermes.
Maybe I should get an extendo-arm.
<poem>'''Mark 7-G''': Maybe I should get an extendo-arm.</poem>
How long will it take to install an extendo-arm? I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour.
<poem>'''Hermes''': How long will it take to install an extendo-arm?</poem>
<poem>'''Yuri''': I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour.</poem>
(Grunts) (Garbled): Thank you, Hermes.
(Grunts) (Garbled): Thank you, Hermes.
I don't know.
I don't know.
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It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories.
It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories.
Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig.
Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig.
A machine that can bend? No way.
<poem>'''Bender''': A machine that can bend? No way.</poem>
But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants? Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.
But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants? Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.
Such a mild insult.
Such a mild insult.
Line 142: Line 153:
I was going to donate them to the salvation air force, but they're starting to rot.
I was going to donate them to the salvation air force, but they're starting to rot.
Then I'll just take them and, uh, throw them away, shall I why not? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah.
Then I'll just take them and, uh, throw them away, shall I why not? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah.
So, friend, welcome to my home.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': So, friend, welcome to my home. I'm very proud of it. But I want to hear what you think.</poem>
I'm very proud of it.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': [imitating Hermes] "Oh, mon, I'm Hermes, and I think it stinks in here like a green snake, or something else that's Jamaican."</poem>
But I want to hear what you think.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': [''laughs''] Good one at my expense, Hermes.</poem>
"Oh, mon, I'm Hermes, and I think it stinks in here like a green snake, or something else that's Jamaican.
" (Laughs) Good one at my expense, Hermes.
Mmm, well, I must admit it's not bad.
Mmm, well, I must admit it's not bad.
And it will cut two or three hours a day off my cornrowing routine.
And it will cut two or three hours a day off my cornrowing routine.
Yes, our lives will never be the same.
Yes, our lives will never be the same.
Darn it! I'll be right back.
Darn it! I'll be right back.
(Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a cylon eye for? Now, calm down, dear.
(Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a Cylon eye for?
You know, you look even hotter in infrared.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, calm down, dear. You know, you look even hotter in infrared.</poem>
(Moaning, smooching) (Whirring) Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned.
(Moaning, smooching) (Whirring) Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned.
Now, you must promise me you won't be getting any more upgrades.
Now, you must promise me you won't be getting any more upgrades.
Line 158: Line 167:
(Oohing and aahing) Wow.
(Oohing and aahing) Wow.
Nice, shiny metal ass, Hermes.
Nice, shiny metal ass, Hermes.
(Grunts, stammers) So, with all these implants, what exactly is the difference between you and a robot? I still have one thing no robot shall ever have a good old flesh-and- blood human brain.
(Grunts, stammers) So, with all these implants, what exactly is the difference between you and a robot?
<poem>'''Hermes''': I still have one thing no robot shall ever have a good old flesh-and- blood human brain.</poem>
Yes, a big, smart brain.
Yes, a big, smart brain.
Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right? Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense.
Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right? Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense.
Uh, Mr.
Uh, Mr. Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me? Yes, yes, doctor.
Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me? Yes, yes, doctor.
Right here.
Right here.
(Squealing) Wait.
(Squealing)
You're not eating my discarded flesh, are you? How could you even ask such a thing? Of course, I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Wait. You're not eating my discarded flesh, are you?</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': How could you even ask such a thing? Of course, I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy.</poem>
Thanks to years of Labarbara's curried goat, no doubt.
Thanks to years of Labarbara's curried goat, no doubt.
But my mecha-stomach has no need of goat.
But my mecha-stomach has no need of goat.
Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces.
Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces.
Something wonderful.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Something wonderful.</poem>
Florp: Give it way up for Dr.
<poem>'''[[Florp]]''': Give it way up for Dr. Zoidberg and Little Hermes.</poem>
Zoidberg and little Hermes.
(Cheering and applause) Hello.
(Cheering and applause) Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
So, little Hermes, did you hear I've taken up running? "Yeah, from restaurant to restaurant.
So, Little Hermes, did you hear I've taken up running?
Ho ho, mon.
<poem>'''[[Little Hermes]]''': "Yeah, from restaurant to restaurant. Ho ho, mon."</poem>
" (Audience laughing) "Seriously, though, have you lost weight?" Yes.
(Audience laughing) "Seriously, though, have you lost weight?" Yes.
"Looks like you found it again.
"Looks like you found it again.
" (Laughs) (Audience laughing) Oh, boy.
" (Laughs) (Audience laughing) Oh, boy.
That was quite a zinger, old friend.
That was quite a zinger, old friend.
"I'm not your friend.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': "I'm not your friend. I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels.</poem>
I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels.
" (Audience laughing)
" (Audience laughing) Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week.</poem>
I'll be here all week.
"You've been warned, people.
"You've been warned, people.
" (Laughs) He's good.
" (Laughs) He's good.
I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving.
I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving.
So, Mr.
So, Mr. Conrad, did you enjoy the show?
Conrad, did you enjoy the show? Alas, no.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Alas, no. Seeing what I once was filled me with regret.</poem>
Seeing what I once was filled me with regret.
You could always undo your implants.
You could always undo your implants.
Regret that I still have one human part.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade.</poem>
That meat puppet disgusts me.
It's time for the ultimate upgrade.
But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain.
But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain.
Exactly.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Exactly.</poem>
(All gasping) Oops.
(All gasping) Oops.
(Gasps) Robot brain implant? Never.
(Gasps)
No one in right mind would do that.
<poem>'''Yuri''': Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that.</poem>
(Laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave.
(Laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave.
Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom.
Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom.
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Let's go home and install it.
Let's go home and install it.
Enjoy eternity without your brain, anonymous dead robot.
Enjoy eternity without your brain, anonymous dead robot.
(Bender chuckling) (Wind howling) (Electrical buzzing) So, little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery? "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap.
(Bender chuckling) (Wind howling) (Electrical buzzing)
" (Laughing) Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! (Clanking) (Birds chirping) Ah, now I can see what I'm doing.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': So, Little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery?</poem>
Commence the operation! Labarbara: Terminate the operation.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap."</poem>
Labarbara? Dwight? I just got an urgent text from little Hermes.
(Laughing) Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! (Clanking) (Birds chirping) Ah, now I can see what I'm doing.
You can't do this thing.
Commence the operation!
You don't even know whose brain that is.
<poem>'''Labarbara''': Terminate the operation!</poem>
It doesn't matter.
Labarbara? Dwight?
Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': I just got an urgent text from Little Hermes. You can't do this thing! You don't even know whose brain that is.</poem>
You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son.
<poem>'''Hermes''': It doesn't matter. Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father.</poem>
Wait.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son.</poem>
I care about you too much to lose you.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Wait. I care about you too much to lose you. But my new robot brain won't. Commence the operation.</poem>
But my new robot brain won't.
(All gasping)
Commence the operation.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes. And commence living without me. Because I will commence divorce proceedings. Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly.</poem>
(All gasping) Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Oh, I can't do this, Hermes. Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors.</poem>
And commence living without me.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Oh, thank you, Professor. Come now. Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about.</poem>
Because I will commence divorce proceedings.
<poem>'''Hermes''': There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.</poem>
Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly.
(Whirring)
Oh, I can't do this, Hermes.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': You can't force me to operate.</poem>
Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill.</poem>
Oh, thank you, Professor.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Wait. I'll perform the surgery.</poem>
Come now.
You? With those clumsy claws?
Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': It's true, old friend. My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work.</poem>
There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.
<poem>'''Little Hermes''': "But mine aren't."</poem>
(Whirring) You can't force me to operate.
You, mon, give me that robot brain.
Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill.
Zoidberg: Wait.
I'll perform the surgery.
You? With those clumsy claws? It's true, old friend.
My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work.
"But mine aren't.
" You, mon, give me that robot brain.
And you, metal guy, lie down.
And you, metal guy, lie down.
Zoidberg, this makes no sense.
Zoidberg, this makes no sense.
Line 245: Line 243:
if I sliced up his cyborg skull ♪
if I sliced up his cyborg skull ♪
he wants a brain he wants a robot brain another brain let's see if he feels pain ♪
he wants a brain he wants a robot brain another brain let's see if he feels pain ♪
a brand-new brain it might drive him insane he wants a brain he wants a robot brain wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself? Oh, loosen up, Amy.
a brand-new brain it might drive him insane he wants a brain he wants a robot brain wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh
<poem>'''Amy''': Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself?</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': Oh, loosen up, Amy.</poem>
My condolences, Labarbara.
My condolences, Labarbara.
I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue.
I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue.
(Sobbing): Oh, he's gone! Oh, Zoidberg, what have you done? I'll tell you what I've done.
(Sobbing): Oh, he's gone! Oh, Zoidberg, what have you done?
I've brought your husband back.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': I'll tell you what I've done. I've brought your husband back.</poem>
(Slurps) (All gasping) Pops.
(Slurps) (All gasping) Pops.
Sweet reawakenin' Of me, a Jamaican-in.
Sweet reawakenin' Of me, a Jamaican-in.
Hermes, you're alive.
Hermes, you're alive.
And practically rhyming.
And practically rhyming.
Wife, son, I am so sorry.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Wife, son, I am so sorry. Once I started upgrading myself, I lost all control. But I see now that if you can't be man enough with your own parts, no amount of machinery will help.</poem>
Once I started upgrading myself, I lost all control.
But I see now that if you can't be man enough with your own parts, no amount of machinery will help.
Not so fast.
Not so fast.
(All gasping) But faster than that! It's that insane robot, Roberto.
(All gasping) But faster than that! It's that insane robot, Roberto.
Line 270: Line 268:
It it burns! (Screaming) What's happening? The spicy curried goat.
It it burns! (Screaming) What's happening? The spicy curried goat.
Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot.
Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot.
In the end, all his implants were no match for my wife's reckless seasoning.
<poem>'''Hermes''': In the end, all his implants were no match for my wife's reckless seasoning.</poem>
Now, husband, don't you think you owe Zoidberg a thank-you for saving you from yourself? But I hate him.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Now, husband, don't you think you owe Zoidberg a thank-you for saving you from yourself?</poem>
Honey, we all do.
<poem>'''Hermes''': But I hate him.</poem>
But fair is fair.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Honey, we all do. But fair is fair.</poem>
(Clears throat) Zoidberg, I I know we have never been friends, but I appreciate what you did.
(Clears throat) Zoidberg, I I know we have never been friends, but I appreciate what you did.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Line 280: Line 278:
not-my-friend Conrad.
not-my-friend Conrad.
(Grunts) You acted like a big jerk.
(Grunts) You acted like a big jerk.
You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like Labarbara or a friend like me.
You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like LaBarbara or a friend like me.
(Laughing) It's funny because it's mean.
(Laughing) It's funny because it's mean.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here forever.</poem>
I'll be here forever.
Wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh Ugh.
Wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh Ugh.
He's doing it again.
<poem>'''Amy''': He's doing it again.</poem>
Wa-wa-ooh, wa-wa-ooh
Wa-wa-ooh, wa-wa-ooh

Revision as of 10:53, 5 November 2013

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[Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Worth 250 Futurama Points.]
[Scene: Planet Express Building, conference room. Everyone but Hermes is seated at the conference table, looking up as Hermes descends from somewhere above, riding some sort of jet-powered hover disc.]

Hermes: People, as company bureaucrat, I will today be conducting the annual performance review. With a twist.

[Hermes pulls a string in his collar, causing a necktie to unfurl. Everyone gasps.]

Fry: Oh, no. The firing tie.
<poem>Hermes: Correct. I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown. [lowers his voice] Zoidberg.

Zoidberg: [laughs] Classic Hermes.

Hermes: Let the interviews begin. Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.

[Cut to: Professor Farnsworth's lab. Hermes, holding a pen and clipboard, is standing in front of the lab's bench; Amy is standing behind it.]

Amy: My primary duties? Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.
[She turns to indicate the Professor, who is asleep in a recliner, snoring.]
<poem>Amy: Uh, yes, sir, [she shuffles some papers nervously] I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away.

[She picks up a small lamp and makes a snoring sound into it. Hermes writes a note on his clipboard.]
[Cut to: Somewhere in space. Fry and Bender are outside the Planet Express ship, holding a crate marked ASHES FOR SPACE BURIAL. Hermes and Leela are standing on the ship's hull.]

Hermes: Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship?

Leela: Not if you stand on their air hose much longer.

[Hermes notices that he is standing on the hose, causing a large air bubble to form.]

Hermes: Noted.

[He lifts his foot; the air bubble rushes down the hose, causing Fry's and Bender's space suits to over-inflate and explode.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express boiler room. Hermes is interviewing Scruffy, who is lying down on his cot.]

Scruffy: My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.

[He picks up, and starts reading, a magazine titled ASTOUNDING TALES OF DOING IT. Hermes, shaking his head, makes a note on his clipboard.]
[Time Lapse. The team is gathered around the conference table again. Hermes stands facing them.]

Hermes: Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today. And that employee is -

[Dramatic pause. Everyone scoots away from Zoidberg, who is seated in the middle.]

Hermes: - Hermes Conrad.

Amy: What?!

Leela: No way!

Zoidberg: Hermes, no!

Hermes: Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.

Fry: But you can't fire yourself now. We were just getting to know each other.
<poem>Hermes: I've already notified the central bureaucracy. [The doorbell rings.] They'll be here two seconds ago.

[Cut to: The Planet Express lobby. The crew is gathered behind Hermes as he answers the door. Center Square Guy enters.]

Hermes: I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in?

Center Square Guy: Only if you buy me dinner first.

[All but Hermes laugh.]

Hermes: I'm being fired. I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that.

Center Square Guy: You're right, Hermes. Meet Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.

Mark 7-G: [entering the lobby] I'm Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.

Hermes: [sighs] Will you be conducting an exit interview?

Center Square Guy: Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.

[Again, all but Hermes laugh.]

Mark 7-G: Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty.

Center Square Guy: Sounds like a party.
[Once more, all but Hermes laugh.]
<poem>Center Square Guy: Good-bye. [He leaves the building; the crew breaks into applause.]

[Hermes takes his personnel file out of his jacket, stamps it FIRED, and feeds it into a slot in Mark 7-G.]

Hermes: Well, this is it. But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime.

Farnsworth: [makes a shooing motion with his hands] Off you go.

[Hermes leaves the building, looks back once. The doors close behind him.]

Bender: [to Mark 7-G] So, I hear you're a machine - [Zoidberg slaps Bender.] ow!

Zoidberg: Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?

Amy: Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone.

Zoidberg: What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing.

Bender: Oy.

Zoidberg: You don't understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.

Leela: I insult you, you fat sack.

Zoidberg: Sure, when it's convenient. But Hermes was always there for me. And now he's gone, thanks to you, Mr. Bigshot 7-G. [He kicks Mark 7-G, starts sobbing.] I'll never see Hermes again.

[Cut to: The Conrad home. Hermes and Dwight are at the dining room table; LaBarbara brings a pot of food from the kitchen.]

Hermes: On the bright side, I'll never see Zoidberg again.

LaBarbara: Aw, there, there, husband. I made your favorite, curried goat.

Hermes: It better be spicy.

Judge Whitey: Well played.

Sal: Ows.

(Robots screaming)

Robot Devil: Ah, fire. Aah! It burns! It burns!

Hermes: Hmm, not bad. Needs a little hot sauce.

Hermes: I just don't know how we'll get by.

LaBarbara: Then I guess this wouldn't be a good time to tell you that I'm pregnant.

Hermes: What?!

LaBarbara: And you're not the father.<poem>
No!
<poem>LaBarbara: I'm just joking, husband. See now? Things don't seem so bad any more, do they?

Hermes: You're right. Thank you, LaBarbara.

LaBarbara: Oh, also, I wrecked the car.<poem>
[Roberto jumps out from behind a tree. He is carrying three knives.]
<poem>Roberto: This here is a mugging! Hand over your skin.

LaBarbara: My ebony splendor? Me don't think so.

Roberto: I said hand it over. I'm hungry! Ha-haw! Ha-haw!

Hermes: For God's sake, woman, just give him your skin! Can't you see he's crazy?!

Roberto: You calling me cra---zy?! Ain't nothing crazy about me but my brain. Right, brain? Right! No, not you, right brain. Right, left brain? Right! Okay, then. Ha-haw!

LaBarbara: Do something, Hermes.

Hermes: I can't! When I fight machinery, machinery always wins!

URL: Freeze, bagwad!

Smitty: You're under arrest for attempted epidermicide.

Roberto: I'm coming for you, man. Ain't no jail can hold me.

URL: That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair.

Roberto: And then I'm-a stab it. Ha-haw!

(Siren wails) (Magnets hum)

Roberto: S-s-stop! It's driving me sane!

(Screaming)

Fry: Hey, Bender, you should become an executioner. You could kill humans and wear a cool hood.

Bender: Nah, I like my victims to know who did it.

Hermes: Psst!

Bender: Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent to see you.

Hermes: We need to talk alone.

Okay, Hermes. Sure.

Leela: [in shower] Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil?

Fry: In a second. I'm eavesdropping.

[Amy appears behind Leela in the shower.]

Amy: Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough.

Fry: I said not now!

Bender: Sure, I know a guy.

Bender: Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown.

Hermes: So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of body augmentation.

Yuri: I am expert in shadowy field of many things.

Hermes: I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery. Can you help me?

Yuri: No problem. I prepare operating room.

(Cat yowls)

Hermes: Oh, honey, I'm home!

Pops?! Is that a harpoon in your chest? Yes. And I'm happy to see you. Mmm And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be. I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous. But do you really need chest artillery? It's not just a weapon. It's the bureaucrat's best friend. Observe.

Hermes: Oh, Mark 7-G? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf?
(Grunting) (Laughs) Pitiful and sickening.
Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done.

Mark 7-G: My best wasn't good enough.

Hermes: I'll need my personnel file, please.

Zoidberg: Welcome back, old friend. I missed you terribly.

Hermes: You do everything terribly. And I'm not your friend.

Zoidberg: [laughs] Good old Hermes. When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.

Farnsworth: Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal. Scruffy, could you retrieve them?

Scruffy: 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet. Pass.

(Sighs) I'll fetch my hand tools. Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine? (Whirring) Oh, no. No more implants. I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you. That's sweet, Hermes.

Mark 7-G: Maybe I should get an extendo-arm.

Hermes: How long will it take to install an extendo-arm?

Yuri: I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour.

(Grunts) (Garbled): Thank you, Hermes. I don't know. It seems like a lot of trouble to cut off your arm just to snake a drain. Ah-ah-ah, it's not just a drain snake. It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories. Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig.

Bender: A machine that can bend? No way.

But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants? Oh, don't be such a spoilsport. Such a mild insult. That's not my Hermes. Speaking of What happened to your cutoff body parts anyhow? Right here. I was going to donate them to the salvation air force, but they're starting to rot. Then I'll just take them and, uh, throw them away, shall I why not? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah.

Zoidberg: So, friend, welcome to my home. I'm very proud of it. But I want to hear what you think.

Zoidberg: [imitating Hermes] "Oh, mon, I'm Hermes, and I think it stinks in here like a green snake, or something else that's Jamaican."

Zoidberg: [laughs] Good one at my expense, Hermes.

Mmm, well, I must admit it's not bad. And it will cut two or three hours a day off my cornrowing routine. Yes, our lives will never be the same. Darn it! I'll be right back. (Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a Cylon eye for?

Hermes: Now, calm down, dear. You know, you look even hotter in infrared.

(Moaning, smooching) (Whirring) Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned. Now, you must promise me you won't be getting any more upgrades. I promise. (Oohing and aahing) Wow. Nice, shiny metal ass, Hermes. (Grunts, stammers) So, with all these implants, what exactly is the difference between you and a robot?

Hermes: I still have one thing no robot shall ever have a good old flesh-and- blood human brain.

Yes, a big, smart brain. Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right? Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense. Uh, Mr. Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me? Yes, yes, doctor. Right here. (Squealing)

Hermes: Wait. You're not eating my discarded flesh, are you?

Zoidberg: How could you even ask such a thing? Of course, I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy.

Thanks to years of Labarbara's curried goat, no doubt. But my mecha-stomach has no need of goat. Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces.

Zoidberg: Something wonderful.

Florp: Give it way up for Dr. Zoidberg and Little Hermes.

(Cheering and applause) Hello. Hello. So, Little Hermes, did you hear I've taken up running?

Little Hermes: "Yeah, from restaurant to restaurant. Ho ho, mon."

(Audience laughing) "Seriously, though, have you lost weight?" Yes. "Looks like you found it again. " (Laughs) (Audience laughing) Oh, boy. That was quite a zinger, old friend.

Little Hermes: "I'm not your friend. I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels.

" (Audience laughing)

Zoidberg: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week.

"You've been warned, people. " (Laughs) He's good. I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving. So, Mr. Conrad, did you enjoy the show?

Hermes: Alas, no. Seeing what I once was filled me with regret.

You could always undo your implants.

Hermes: Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade.

But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain.

Hermes: Exactly.

(All gasping) Oops. (Gasps)

Yuri: Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that.

(Laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave. Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom. Step aside. Bing-reka! The brain circuit. Come, fellows. Let's go home and install it. Enjoy eternity without your brain, anonymous dead robot. (Bender chuckling) (Wind howling) (Electrical buzzing)

Zoidberg: So, Little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery?

Little Hermes: "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap."

(Laughing) Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! (Clanking) (Birds chirping) Ah, now I can see what I'm doing. Commence the operation!

Labarbara: Terminate the operation!

Labarbara? Dwight?

LaBarbara: I just got an urgent text from Little Hermes. You can't do this thing! You don't even know whose brain that is.

Hermes: It doesn't matter. Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father.

LaBarbara: You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son.

Hermes: Wait. I care about you too much to lose you. But my new robot brain won't. Commence the operation.

(All gasping)

LaBarbara: Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes. And commence living without me. Because I will commence divorce proceedings. Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly.

Farnsworth: Oh, I can't do this, Hermes. Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors.

LaBarbara: Oh, thank you, Professor. Come now. Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about.

Hermes: There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.

(Whirring)

Farnsworth: You can't force me to operate.

Hermes: Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill.

Zoidberg: Wait. I'll perform the surgery.

You? With those clumsy claws?

Zoidberg: It's true, old friend. My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work.

Little Hermes: "But mine aren't."

You, mon, give me that robot brain. And you, metal guy, lie down. Zoidberg, this makes no sense. Why are you helping him? (Drumbeat playing) And what's that catchy beat? I'll tell you. Two, three I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago ♪ when a happy thought dispelled my woe ♪ and I felt perhaps he'd be a bit less dull ♪ if I sliced up his cyborg skull ♪ he wants a brain he wants a robot brain another brain let's see if he feels pain ♪ a brand-new brain it might drive him insane he wants a brain he wants a robot brain wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh

Amy: Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself?

Fry: Oh, loosen up, Amy.

My condolences, Labarbara. I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue. (Sobbing): Oh, he's gone! Oh, Zoidberg, what have you done?

Zoidberg: I'll tell you what I've done. I've brought your husband back.

(Slurps) (All gasping) Pops. Sweet reawakenin' Of me, a Jamaican-in. Hermes, you're alive. And practically rhyming.

Hermes: Wife, son, I am so sorry. Once I started upgrading myself, I lost all control. But I see now that if you can't be man enough with your own parts, no amount of machinery will help.

Not so fast. (All gasping) But faster than that! It's that insane robot, Roberto. (All screaming) Quick, Hermes, the keys. I left them in my other body. Oh, yeah. And I'm-a stick 'em in your pancreas till I find one that opens it. (Laughs) (Frightened yelping) (Roberto yelling ŕ LA Tarzan) (All screaming) I'm gonna peel off your skin and eat it like pencil shavings. (Gasps) Ow! Thank God Zoidberg didn't reattach my nerves. Mmm, that's tasty. Too tasty. (Whimpers) It burns. It it burns! (Screaming) What's happening? The spicy curried goat. Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot.

Hermes: In the end, all his implants were no match for my wife's reckless seasoning.

LaBarbara: Now, husband, don't you think you owe Zoidberg a thank-you for saving you from yourself?

Hermes: But I hate him.

LaBarbara: Honey, we all do. But fair is fair.

(Clears throat) Zoidberg, I I know we have never been friends, but I appreciate what you did. Thank you. Never been friends? Ouch! What a zinger. Well, here's one for you, Mr. not-my-friend Conrad. (Grunts) You acted like a big jerk. You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like LaBarbara or a friend like me. (Laughing) It's funny because it's mean.

Zoidberg: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here forever.

Wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh Ugh.

Amy: He's doing it again.

Wa-wa-ooh, wa-wa-ooh