Difference between revisions of "Transcript:The Six Million Dollar Mon"

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|content=Copied from [http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=futurama&episode=s07e07 springfieldspringfield.co.uk].
|content=Copied from [http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=futurama&episode=s07e07 springfieldspringfield.co.uk].
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<poem>'''{{Hermes}}''': People, as company bureaucrat, I will today be conducting the annual performance review.
<poem>'''{{Hermes}}''': People, as company bureaucrat, I will today be conducting the annual performance review. With a twist.</poem>
With a twist.</poem>
(All gasp) Oh, no. The firing tie.
(All gasp) Oh, no.
The firing tie.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Correct. I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown. Zoidberg.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Correct. I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown. Zoidberg.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Zoidberg}}''': [''laughs''] Classic Hermes.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Zoidberg}}''': [''laughs''] Classic Hermes.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Let the interviews begin. Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Let the interviews begin. Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Amy}}''': My primary duties? Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.
<poem>'''{{Amy}}''': My primary duties? Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.
''[The Professor, asleep in his chair, snores.]''
:''[The Professor, asleep in his chair, snores.]''
<poem>'''Amy''': Uh, yes, sir, I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away. [''She picks up a lamp and makes a snoring sound into it.'']</poem>
<poem>'''Amy''': Uh, yes, sir, I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away. [''She picks up a lamp and makes a snoring sound into it.'']</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship?</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship?</poem>
Line 19: Line 17:
<poem>'''Hermes''': Noted.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Noted.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Scruffy]]''': My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Scruffy]]''': My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today. And that employee is Hermes Conrad.</poem>
:''[Cut to: The Planet Express crew seated at the round table; Hermes, standing, is facing them with some papers in his hand.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today. And that employee is - </poem>
:''[Dramatic pause. Everyone backs away from Zoidberg, who is seated in the middle.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': Hermes Conrad.</poem>
What?! No way! Hermes, no!
What?! No way! Hermes, no!
<poem>'''Hermes''': Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.</poem>
Line 25: Line 26:
<poem>'''Hermes''': I've already notified the central bureaucracy. [''The doorbell rings.''] They'll be here two seconds ago.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I've already notified the central bureaucracy. [''The doorbell rings.''] They'll be here two seconds ago.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in?</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in?</poem>
Only if you buy me dinner first.
<poem>'''[[Center Square Guy]]''': Only if you buy me dinner first.</poem>
(All laugh)
:''[All but Hermes laugh.]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': I'm being fired. I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': I'm being fired. I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that.</poem>
You're right, Hermes.
<poem>'''Center Square Guy''': You're right, Hermes. Meet Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.</poem>
Meet Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.
<poem>'''[[Mark 7-G]]''': I'm Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Mark 7-G]]''': I'm Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Will you be conducting an exit interview?</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Will you be conducting an exit interview?</poem>
Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.
<poem>'''Center Square Guy''': Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.</poem>
(All laugh) Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty.
:''[Again, all but Hermes laugh.]''
Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty.
Sounds like a party.
Sounds like a party.
(All laugh) Good-bye.
(All laugh) Good-bye.
(Sighs) (Computer whirs, buzzes)
(Sighs) (Computer whirs, buzzes)
<poem>'''Hermes''': Well, this is it. But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': Well, this is it. But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Farnsworth}}''': Off you go.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Farnsworth}}''': [''makes a shooing motion with his hands''] Off you go.</poem>
<poem>'''{{Bender}}''': So, I hear you're a machine...ow!</poem>
:''[Hermes leaves the building.]''
<poem>'''{{Bender}}''': [to Mark 7-G] So, I hear you're a machine... [''Zoidberg slaps Bender.''] ow!</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?</poem>
<poem>'''Amy''': Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone.</poem>
<poem>'''Amy''': Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone.</poem>
Line 48: Line 50:
<poem>'''[[LaBarbara]]''': Aw, there, there, husband. I made your favorite, curried goat.</poem>
<poem>'''[[LaBarbara]]''': Aw, there, there, husband. I made your favorite, curried goat.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': It better be spicy.</poem>
<poem>'''Hermes''': It better be spicy.</poem>
(Sizzles) Well played.
<poem>'''[[Judge Whitey]]''': Well played.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Sal]]''': Ows.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Sal]]''': Ows.</poem>
(Robots screaming)
(Robots screaming)
Line 84: Line 86:
<poem>'''Leela''': [in shower] Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil?</poem>
<poem>'''Leela''': [in shower] Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil?</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': In a second. I'm eavesdropping.</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': In a second. I'm eavesdropping.</poem>
:''[Amy appears behind Leela in the shower.]''
<poem>'''Amy''': Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough.</poem>
<poem>'''Amy''': Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough.</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': I said not now!</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': I said not now!</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': Sure, I know a guy.</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': Sure, I know a guy.</poem>
(Siren wails, dog howls) Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown.
<poem>'''Bender''': Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown.</poem>
So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of "body augmentation".
<poem>'''Hermes''': So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of body augmentation.</poem>
I am expert in shadowy field of many things.
<poem>'''[[Yuri]]''': I am expert in shadowy field of many things.</poem>
I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery. Can you help me?</poem>
Can you help me? No problem.
<poem>'''Yuri''': No problem. I prepare operating room.</poem>
I prepare operating room.
(Cat yowls)
(Cat yowls) Hermes: Oh, honey, I'm home! Pops?! Is that a harpoon in your chest? Yes.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Oh, honey, I'm home!</poem>
And I'm happy to see you.
Pops?! Is that a harpoon in your chest?
Yes. And I'm happy to see you.
Mmm And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be.
Mmm And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be.
I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous.
I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous.
Line 100: Line 104:
It's the bureaucrat's best friend.
It's the bureaucrat's best friend.
Observe.
Observe.
(Sing-songy): Oh, mark 7-g? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf? (Grunting) (Laughs) Pitiful and sickening.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Oh, Mark 7-G? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf?
(Grunting) (Laughs) Pitiful and sickening.
Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done.
Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done.
My best wasn't good enough.
<poem>'''Mark 7-G''': My best wasn't good enough.</poem>
I'll need my personnel file, please.
<poem>'''Hermes''': I'll need my personnel file, please.</poem>
Welcome back, old friend.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Welcome back, old friend. I missed you terribly.</poem>
I missed you terribly.
<poem>'''Hermes''': You do everything terribly. And I'm not your friend.</poem>
You do everything terribly.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': [''laughs''] Good old Hermes. When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.</poem>
And I'm not your friend.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal. Scruffy, could you retrieve them?</poem>
(Laughs) Good old Hermes.
<poem>'''Scruffy''': 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet. Pass.</poem>
When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.
Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal.
Scruffy, could you retrieve them? 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet.
Pass.
(Sighs) I'll fetch my hand tools.
(Sighs) I'll fetch my hand tools.
Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine? (Whirring) Oh, no.
Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine? (Whirring) Oh, no.
Line 118: Line 119:
I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.
I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.
That's sweet, Hermes.
That's sweet, Hermes.
Maybe I should get an extendo-arm.
<poem>'''Mark 7-G''': Maybe I should get an extendo-arm.</poem>
How long will it take to install an extendo-arm? I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour.
<poem>'''Hermes''': How long will it take to install an extendo-arm?</poem>
<poem>'''Yuri''': I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour.</poem>
(Grunts) (Garbled): Thank you, Hermes.
(Grunts) (Garbled): Thank you, Hermes.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Line 126: Line 128:
It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories.
It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories.
Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig.
Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig.
A machine that can bend? No way.
<poem>'''Bender''': A machine that can bend? No way.</poem>
But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants? Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.
But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants? Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.
Such a mild insult.
Such a mild insult.
Line 142: Line 144:
Yes, our lives will never be the same.
Yes, our lives will never be the same.
Darn it! I'll be right back.
Darn it! I'll be right back.
(Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a cylon eye for? Now, calm down, dear.
(Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a Cylon eye for? Now, calm down, dear.
You know, you look even hotter in infrared.
You know, you look even hotter in infrared.
(Moaning, smooching) (Whirring) Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned.
(Moaning, smooching) (Whirring) Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned.
Line 152: Line 154:
Yes, a big, smart brain.
Yes, a big, smart brain.
Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right? Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense.
Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right? Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense.
Uh, Mr.
Uh, Mr. Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me? Yes, yes, doctor.
Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me? Yes, yes, doctor.
Right here.
Right here.
(Squealing) Wait.
(Squealing) Wait.
Line 161: Line 162:
Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces.
Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces.
Something wonderful.
Something wonderful.
Florp: Give it way up for Dr.
<poem>'''[[Florp]]''': Give it way up for Dr. Zoidberg and Little Hermes.</poem>
Zoidberg and little Hermes.
(Cheering and applause) Hello.
(Cheering and applause) Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Line 173: Line 173:
"I'm not your friend.
"I'm not your friend.
I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels.
I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels.
" (Audience laughing) Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
" (Audience laughing)
I'll be here all week.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week.</poem>
"You've been warned, people.
"You've been warned, people.
" (Laughs) He's good.
" (Laughs) He's good.
I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving.
I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving.
So, Mr.
So, Mr. Conrad, did you enjoy the show?
Conrad, did you enjoy the show? Alas, no.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Alas, no. Seeing what I once was filled me with regret.</poem>
Seeing what I once was filled me with regret.
You could always undo your implants.
You could always undo your implants.
Regret that I still have one human part.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade.</poem>
That meat puppet disgusts me.
It's time for the ultimate upgrade.
But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain.
But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain.
Exactly.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Exactly.</poem>
(All gasping) Oops.
(All gasping) Oops.
(Gasps) Robot brain implant? Never.
(Gasps)
No one in right mind would do that.
<poem>'''Yuri''': Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that.</poem>
(Laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave.
(Laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave.
Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom.
Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom.
Line 199: Line 196:
(Bender chuckling) (Wind howling) (Electrical buzzing) So, little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery? "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap.
(Bender chuckling) (Wind howling) (Electrical buzzing) So, little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery? "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap.
" (Laughing) Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! (Clanking) (Birds chirping) Ah, now I can see what I'm doing.
" (Laughing) Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! (Clanking) (Birds chirping) Ah, now I can see what I'm doing.
Commence the operation! Labarbara: Terminate the operation.
Commence the operation!
Labarbara? Dwight? I just got an urgent text from little Hermes.
<poem>'''Labarbara''': Terminate the operation!</poem>
You can't do this thing.
Labarbara? Dwight?
You don't even know whose brain that is.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': I just got an urgent text from Little Hermes. You can't do this thing! You don't even know whose brain that is.</poem>
It doesn't matter.
<poem>'''Hermes''': It doesn't matter. Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father.</poem>
Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son.</poem>
You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Wait. I care about you too much to lose you. But my new robot brain won't. Commence the operation.</poem>
Wait.
(All gasping)
I care about you too much to lose you.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes. And commence living without me. Because I will commence divorce proceedings. Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly.</poem>
But my new robot brain won't.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Oh, I can't do this, Hermes. Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors.</poem>
Commence the operation.
<poem>'''LaBarbara''': Oh, thank you, Professor. Come now. Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about.</poem>
(All gasping) Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes.
<poem>'''Hermes''': There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.</poem>
And commence living without me.
(Whirring)
Because I will commence divorce proceedings.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': You can't force me to operate.</poem>
Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly.
<poem>'''Hermes''': Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill.</poem>
Oh, I can't do this, Hermes.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Wait. I'll perform the surgery.</poem>
Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors.
Oh, thank you, Professor.
Come now.
Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about.
There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.
(Whirring) You can't force me to operate.
Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill.
Zoidberg: Wait.
I'll perform the surgery.
You? With those clumsy claws? It's true, old friend.
You? With those clumsy claws? It's true, old friend.
My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work.
My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work.
Line 236: Line 224:
if I sliced up his cyborg skull ♪
if I sliced up his cyborg skull ♪
he wants a brain he wants a robot brain another brain let's see if he feels pain ♪
he wants a brain he wants a robot brain another brain let's see if he feels pain ♪
a brand-new brain it might drive him insane he wants a brain he wants a robot brain wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself? Oh, loosen up, Amy.
a brand-new brain it might drive him insane he wants a brain he wants a robot brain wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh
<poem>'''Amy''': Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself?</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': Oh, loosen up, Amy.</poem>
My condolences, Labarbara.
My condolences, Labarbara.
I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue.
I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue.
Line 271: Line 261:
not-my-friend Conrad.
not-my-friend Conrad.
(Grunts) You acted like a big jerk.
(Grunts) You acted like a big jerk.
You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like Labarbara or a friend like me.
You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like LaBarbara or a friend like me.
(Laughing) It's funny because it's mean.
(Laughing) It's funny because it's mean.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Revision as of 00:50, 29 October 2013

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This transcript is not meant to be read. It only serves as a resource for editing.
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Hermes: People, as company bureaucrat, I will today be conducting the annual performance review. With a twist.

(All gasp) Oh, no. The firing tie.

Hermes: Correct. I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown. Zoidberg.

Zoidberg: [laughs] Classic Hermes.

Hermes: Let the interviews begin. Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.

Amy: My primary duties? Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.
[The Professor, asleep in his chair, snores.]
<poem>Amy: Uh, yes, sir, I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away. [She picks up a lamp and makes a snoring sound into it.]

Hermes: Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship?

Leela: Not if you stand on their air hose much longer.

Hermes: Noted.

Scruffy: My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.

[Cut to: The Planet Express crew seated at the round table; Hermes, standing, is facing them with some papers in his hand.]

Hermes: Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today. And that employee is -

[Dramatic pause. Everyone backs away from Zoidberg, who is seated in the middle.]

Hermes: Hermes Conrad.

What?! No way! Hermes, no!

Hermes: Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.

Fry: But you can't fire yourself now. We were just getting to know each other.
<poem>Hermes: I've already notified the central bureaucracy. [The doorbell rings.] They'll be here two seconds ago.

Hermes: I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in?

Center Square Guy: Only if you buy me dinner first.

[All but Hermes laugh.]

Hermes: I'm being fired. I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that.

Center Square Guy: You're right, Hermes. Meet Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.

Mark 7-G: I'm Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.

Hermes: Will you be conducting an exit interview?

Center Square Guy: Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.

[Again, all but Hermes laugh.]

Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty. Sounds like a party. (All laugh) Good-bye. (Sighs) (Computer whirs, buzzes)

Hermes: Well, this is it. But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime.

Farnsworth: [makes a shooing motion with his hands] Off you go.

[Hermes leaves the building.]

Bender: [to Mark 7-G] So, I hear you're a machine... [Zoidberg slaps Bender.] ow!

Zoidberg: Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?

Amy: Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone.

Zoidberg: What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing. Oy. You don't understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.

Leela: I insult you, you fat sack.

Zoidberg: Sure, when it's convenient. But Hermes was always there for me. And now he's gone, thanks to you, Mr. Bigshot 7-G. [sobbing] I'll never see Hermes again.

Hermes: On the bright side, I'll never see Zoidberg again.

LaBarbara: Aw, there, there, husband. I made your favorite, curried goat.

Hermes: It better be spicy.

Judge Whitey: Well played.

Sal: Ows.

(Robots screaming)

Robot Devil: Ah, fire. Aah! It burns! It burns!

Hermes: Hmm, not bad. Needs a little hot sauce.

Hermes: I just don't know how we'll get by.

LaBarbara: Then I guess this wouldn't be a good time to tell you that I'm pregnant.

Hermes: What?!

LaBarbara: And you're not the father.<poem>
No!
<poem>LaBarbara: I'm just joking, husband. See now? Things don't seem so bad any more, do they?

Hermes: You're right.Thank you, LaBarbara.

LaBarbara: Oh, also, I wrecked the car.<poem>
<poem>Roberto: This here is a mugging! Hand over your skin.

LaBarbara: My ebony splendor? Me don't think so.

Roberto: I said hand it over. I'm hungry! Ha-haw! Ha-haw!

Hermes: For God's sake, woman, just give him your skin! Can't you see he's crazy?!

Roberto: You calling me cra---zy?! Ain't nothing crazy about me but my brain. Right, brain? Right! No, not you, right brain. Right, left brain? Right! Okay, then. Ha-haw!

LaBarbara: Do something, Hermes.

Hermes: I can't! When I fight machinery, machinery always wins!

Officer: Freeze, bagwad. (Robot screams) You're under arrest for attempted epidermicide.

Roberto: I'm coming for you, man. Ain't no jail can hold me.

That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair.

Roberto: And then I'm-a stab it. Ha-haw!

(Siren wails) (Magnets hum)

Roberto: S-s-stop! It's driving me sane!

(Screaming)

Fry: Hey, Bender, you should become an executioner. You could kill humans and wear a cool hood.

Bender: Nah, I like my victims to know who did it.

Hermes: Psst!

Bender: Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent to see you.

Hermes: We need to talk alone.

Okay, Hermes. Sure.

Leela: [in shower] Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil?

Fry: In a second. I'm eavesdropping.

[Amy appears behind Leela in the shower.]

Amy: Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough.

Fry: I said not now!

Bender: Sure, I know a guy.

Bender: Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown.

Hermes: So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of body augmentation.

Yuri: I am expert in shadowy field of many things.

Hermes: I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery. Can you help me?

Yuri: No problem. I prepare operating room.

(Cat yowls)

Hermes: Oh, honey, I'm home!

Pops?! Is that a harpoon in your chest? Yes. And I'm happy to see you. Mmm And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be. I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous. But do you really need chest artillery? It's not just a weapon. It's the bureaucrat's best friend. Observe.

Hermes: Oh, Mark 7-G? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf?
(Grunting) (Laughs) Pitiful and sickening.
Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done.
<poem>Mark 7-G: My best wasn't good enough.

Hermes: I'll need my personnel file, please.

Zoidberg: Welcome back, old friend. I missed you terribly.

Hermes: You do everything terribly. And I'm not your friend.

Zoidberg: [laughs] Good old Hermes. When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.

Farnsworth: Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal. Scruffy, could you retrieve them?

Scruffy: 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet. Pass.

(Sighs) I'll fetch my hand tools. Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine? (Whirring) Oh, no. No more implants. I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you. That's sweet, Hermes.

Mark 7-G: Maybe I should get an extendo-arm.

Hermes: How long will it take to install an extendo-arm?

Yuri: I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour.

(Grunts) (Garbled): Thank you, Hermes. I don't know. It seems like a lot of trouble to cut off your arm just to snake a drain. Ah-ah-ah, it's not just a drain snake. It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories. Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig.

Bender: A machine that can bend? No way.

But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants? Oh, don't be such a spoilsport. Such a mild insult. That's not my Hermes. Speaking of What happened to your cutoff body parts anyhow? Right here. I was going to donate them to the salvation air force, but they're starting to rot. Then I'll just take them and, uh, throw them away, shall I why not? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah. So, friend, welcome to my home. I'm very proud of it. But I want to hear what you think. "Oh, mon, I'm Hermes, and I think it stinks in here like a green snake, or something else that's Jamaican. " (Laughs) Good one at my expense, Hermes. Mmm, well, I must admit it's not bad. And it will cut two or three hours a day off my cornrowing routine. Yes, our lives will never be the same. Darn it! I'll be right back. (Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a Cylon eye for? Now, calm down, dear. You know, you look even hotter in infrared. (Moaning, smooching) (Whirring) Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned. Now, you must promise me you won't be getting any more upgrades. I promise. (Oohing and aahing) Wow. Nice, shiny metal ass, Hermes. (Grunts, stammers) So, with all these implants, what exactly is the difference between you and a robot? I still have one thing no robot shall ever have a good old flesh-and- blood human brain. Yes, a big, smart brain. Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right? Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense. Uh, Mr. Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me? Yes, yes, doctor. Right here. (Squealing) Wait. You're not eating my discarded flesh, are you? How could you even ask such a thing? Of course, I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy. Thanks to years of Labarbara's curried goat, no doubt. But my mecha-stomach has no need of goat. Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces. Something wonderful.

Florp: Give it way up for Dr. Zoidberg and Little Hermes.

(Cheering and applause) Hello. Hello. So, little Hermes, did you hear I've taken up running? "Yeah, from restaurant to restaurant. Ho ho, mon. " (Audience laughing) "Seriously, though, have you lost weight?" Yes. "Looks like you found it again. " (Laughs) (Audience laughing) Oh, boy. That was quite a zinger, old friend. "I'm not your friend. I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels. " (Audience laughing)

Zoidberg: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week.

"You've been warned, people. " (Laughs) He's good. I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving. So, Mr. Conrad, did you enjoy the show?

Hermes: Alas, no. Seeing what I once was filled me with regret.

You could always undo your implants.

Hermes: Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade.

But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain.

Hermes: Exactly.

(All gasping) Oops. (Gasps)

Yuri: Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that.

(Laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave. Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom. Step aside. Bing-reka! The brain circuit. Come, fellows. Let's go home and install it. Enjoy eternity without your brain, anonymous dead robot. (Bender chuckling) (Wind howling) (Electrical buzzing) So, little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery? "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap. " (Laughing) Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! (Clanking) (Birds chirping) Ah, now I can see what I'm doing. Commence the operation!

Labarbara: Terminate the operation!

Labarbara? Dwight?

LaBarbara: I just got an urgent text from Little Hermes. You can't do this thing! You don't even know whose brain that is.

Hermes: It doesn't matter. Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father.

LaBarbara: You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son.

Hermes: Wait. I care about you too much to lose you. But my new robot brain won't. Commence the operation.

(All gasping)

LaBarbara: Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes. And commence living without me. Because I will commence divorce proceedings. Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly.

Farnsworth: Oh, I can't do this, Hermes. Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors.

LaBarbara: Oh, thank you, Professor. Come now. Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about.

Hermes: There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.

(Whirring)

Farnsworth: You can't force me to operate.

Hermes: Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill.

Zoidberg: Wait. I'll perform the surgery.

You? With those clumsy claws? It's true, old friend. My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work. "But mine aren't. " You, mon, give me that robot brain. And you, metal guy, lie down. Zoidberg, this makes no sense. Why are you helping him? (Drumbeat playing) And what's that catchy beat? I'll tell you. Two, three I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago ♪ when a happy thought dispelled my woe ♪ and I felt perhaps he'd be a bit less dull ♪ if I sliced up his cyborg skull ♪ he wants a brain he wants a robot brain another brain let's see if he feels pain ♪ a brand-new brain it might drive him insane he wants a brain he wants a robot brain wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh

Amy: Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself?

Fry: Oh, loosen up, Amy.

My condolences, Labarbara. I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue. (Sobbing): Oh, he's gone! Oh, Zoidberg, what have you done? I'll tell you what I've done. I've brought your husband back. (Slurps) (All gasping) Pops. Sweet reawakenin' Of me, a Jamaican-in. Hermes, you're alive. And practically rhyming. Wife, son, I am so sorry. Once I started upgrading myself, I lost all control. But I see now that if you can't be man enough with your own parts, no amount of machinery will help. Not so fast. (All gasping) But faster than that! It's that insane robot, Roberto. (All screaming) Quick, Hermes, the keys. I left them in my other body. Oh, yeah. And I'm-a stick 'em in your pancreas till I find one that opens it. (Laughs) (Frightened yelping) (Roberto yelling ŕ LA Tarzan) (All screaming) I'm gonna peel off your skin and eat it like pencil shavings. (Gasps) Ow! Thank God Zoidberg didn't reattach my nerves. Mmm, that's tasty. Too tasty. (Whimpers) It burns. It it burns! (Screaming) What's happening? The spicy curried goat. Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot. In the end, all his implants were no match for my wife's reckless seasoning. Now, husband, don't you think you owe Zoidberg a thank-you for saving you from yourself? But I hate him. Honey, we all do. But fair is fair. (Clears throat) Zoidberg, I I know we have never been friends, but I appreciate what you did. Thank you. Never been friends? Ouch! What a zinger. Well, here's one for you, Mr. not-my-friend Conrad. (Grunts) You acted like a big jerk. You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like LaBarbara or a friend like me. (Laughing) It's funny because it's mean. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here forever. Wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh Ugh. He's doing it again. Wa-wa-ooh, wa-wa-ooh