Transcript:Radiorama

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Transcript for
Radiorama
Written by	David X. Cohen, Ken Keeler and Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed by	Jasonbres

[The Futurama theme song is heard.]

Transition Announcer: Coming to you direct from the 31st century, it's Futurama, the show that never dies, but is so sick, it lost its video! Brought to you by Boch the Avenger's Borax Flakes! When you want flakes, why not try Borax?

[The theme song ends.]

Transition Announcer: One morning, the Planet Express crew was meeting in the conference room, when suddenly, the Professor entered with good news. Let's listen, shall we?

[Door opens.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Your favorite cancelled TV show is coming back in the form of a low-budget podcast!

[Everyone cheers.]

Fry: Wait, what show are we talking about?

Farnsworth: All My Circuits, of course. The robot soap opera starring legendary acting unit, Calculon.

Fry: Oh, right. We used to watch that every day after work, and during work! Why'd we stop?

Leela: Because Calculon died. Twice!

Farnsworth: Yes, in agony. But luckily, his voice box survived. And, like all actors, his mouth works independtly of his brain.

Amy: Hey, Bender, you're here, too! Weren't you on All My Circuits once?

Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!

[Inexplicable cheers and applause.]

Bender: And, yes, Amy, I was. I played Calculon's swarthy Latino son, Antonio Calculon, Jr.

Hermes: I remember dat, mon. You were voted Worst Actor of All Time.

Bender: That's fake news! There were millions of illegal voters! A lot of people are sayin' I was the best ever!

Zoidberg: Guess who's also here? It's Zoidberg, why not! [woops]

Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg, I'm still talkin'! Okay, now I'm done,

Fry: Psst, Leela!

Leela (loudly): Yeah?!

Fry: Shhh! I made you a present, and I'd like to give it to you! In private.

Leela: Oh, Fry, that's so thoughtful depending on what it is.

Fry: It's in the basement, just down this long greasy staircase.

[Door creaks open. Footsteps. Fry and Leela trip and slip.]

Scruffy: Welcome to the basement.

Fry: Scruffy? What are you doing down here?

Scruffy: Just finished greasin' the sta'rs. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go loosen the chandelier.Mm-hm.

[Scruffy walks away.]

Leela: So where's that present I've been hearing not enough about?

Fry: Right over here. Just let me turn it on... and...

[Electrical humming. Zap.]

Fry: Tada! It took me weeks get every detail just right. Do ya like it?

Leela: I'm not sure. What the hell is it?

Fry: What does it look like?

Leela: Uh, a jumble of flashing blobs that give me a headache?

Fry: What?! How can you say that?! It's a a realistic self-portrait of me! I've been learning the art of 3-D laser sculpture.

Leela: And you thought I'd like that?! I can't see in stereo, Fry! I only have one eye!

Fry: Oops. I forgot.

Leela: You forgot the main thing about me?! The thing that defines my existence?!

Fry: [stammers] You also have purple hair.

Leela: That's it! Our on again-off again relationship is officially off!

Fry: Again?

Leela: Permanently! I've told you fifty times I can't see in 3-D! But it's like you can't hear my voice!

Transition Announcer: Picking up the 3-D sculpture, Leela carefully scaled the greasy stairs and stormed back into the conference room.

[Door opens.]

Leela: Can you believe this piece of junk Fry gave me?

[Crash! The crew gives awed reactions.]

Zoidberg: What a magnificent nude sculpture of Fry!

Leela: Nude?

Amy: You can see every tiny detail, even his penis!

Hermes: It can only be described as a quasi-erotic masterpiece of three-dimensional meta-representationalism. I'm just glad I have two eyes to appreciate it!

Leela: Now I feel even worse! Apparently, I'm the only one who can't savor the subtleties of Fry's digital ding-dong!

Fry: Okay, fine! The gift was a mistake! I'll throw it out!

[Crash!]

Farnsworth: Oh, you clod-noramus! You can't throw digital garbage in the analog trash! Digital trash needs to be dragged and dropped onto Junkleon 7, the deleted file planet!

Fry: Does there really have to be a whole planet for everything?

Farnsworth: Bon voyage!

[Dramatic sting.]

Transition Announcer: And so, the crew boarded the Planet Express Ship and began the dramatic countdown.

Fry: Nine hundred and ninety nine, nine hundred and ninety eight, nine hundred and ninety seven, nine hundred and ninety si—

Bender: LET'S GO ALREADYYYYYY!!!

[The ship blasts off.]

Transition Announcer: As the ship flew through deepest space, Bender the robot grew pensive.

Bender: Y'know, I only have one regret in life.

Leela: I have five.

Bender: That's too many. I just wish... [breaks down into tears] I just wish my mother had seen how great I was on All My Circuits. But she didn't watch!

Fry: Why not?

Bender: TV offends her religious sensibilities. Plus she's got no eyes.

Leela: I thought your mother was just a robot arm.

Bender: Not just a robot arm! She's also a grieving widow and mother of three! And I haven't seen her in fifteen years! I've been a bad son! [sobs] Wha? We're here! [scats happily]

Transition Announcer: Donning their protective space leggings, the crew members descended onto the planet's filthy surface.

Leela: C'mon, let's dump Fry's one-man porno.

Fry: It's not porno! It's folk art! For folk who like to see me doing a naked headstand!

Leela: Blecch! Drop it like it's hot and let's go!

[Crash!]

Bender: Whoa, whoa, w-whoa! I need to steal somethin' first! What's the most valuable digital file?</poem>

Fry: I dunno. Whichever has the most 1's.

Bender: Right. Maybe this thing.

[Discordant noise.]

Leela: Aah! What was that?!

Bender: Who cares? I'm just gonna put it in my chest cavity, and not worry whether it might or might not resurface in dramatic fashion!

[Dramatic sting. Ship zooming.]

Transition Announcer: And so the ship returned to Earth, Bender's chest bulging with the mysterious digital file. The whole crew was happily beating Dr. Zoidberg with a banjo, when suddenly, the phone rang.

Zoidberg: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hurray! I'm being beaten by friends! Ow!

[Rrrrrrrrring!]

Bender: I'll get it. Hello, Planet Express, home of Bender, Bender speakin', how may I Bender your call?

Operator: A long distance call for Mr. Bender.

Bender: He's not here.

Operator: Please hold for Calculon.

Bender: Omigod, Calculon?! I'm here! I'm here! Don't hang up!

Operator: Go ahead, Mr. Calculon. You're on speakerphone with Bender.

Calculon: Hello, Bender? You're probably wondering why I'm calling to tell you my show's coming back as a podcast. And I'd like you to reprise your role as Antonio Calculon, Jr.

Bender: [gasps] Thank you! G'bye!

Hermes: Whoa w-whoa, hold on, Calculon! Bender gave da worst performance in history! Why are you bringing' him back?

Calculon: Because once you've established a character, the audience won't stand for any recasting. NO MATTER HOW EXCRUCIATING INCOMPETENT THE ACTOR!

Zoidberg: Oh, so you're getting the original writers back, too?

Calculon: No, we fire them all the time. It saves money and it's fun. Are you in, Bender?

Bender: Yeah, but I want 1.2% of net!

Calculon: Absolutely not!

Bender: Deal! I'll see ya 7:00 a.m. tomorrow!

Calculon: We start 10:00 a.m. next Tuesday.

Bender: I'll be waiting!

[Hangs up.]

Bender: It was Calculon! I got the part!

[Everyone cheers.]

Zoidberg: We already heard! But it beats getting hit with a banjo.

Bender: Man, I can't wait to go tell my mother!

Fry: Aw, Bender, that's sweet. I'm sure she'll have a lot to say.

Bender: Fry, you idiot! Leela, gimme that banjo.

Fry: Ow! Oof! Ooh! What'd I do?

Bender: My mother can't talk, okay? She has no mouth! She uses sign language, which is a form of talking!

Fry; Eh, but—

Bender: Ah-ah-ah, don't make me get the bagpipes!

Fry: D'ouch!

Transition Announcer: After another severe beating, Bender set off to visit his mother at the Assisted Computing Facility. Fry went along, as did Amy, a renowned sign language interpreter whose skills had never before been of the slightest use.

Bender: Well, here we are outside her door.

[Knocks.]

Bender: Mom? It's me, Bender, your middle son! Can I come in? Are you decent?

Fry: How she gonna hear you knocking? I thought she was a robot arm.

Bender: She's not deaf, you idiot! Amy, hand me that piano!

[Smash!]

Fry: Sorry. I deserve that.

[Door creaks open.]

Bender: [quietly] Oh, God, she looks horrible. [out loud] Hi, Mom, you look great! These are my friends, Fry and Amy.

Amy: Nice to meet you.

Fry: Hi, Mrs. Rodriguez.
[Slam!]
<poem>Fry: Aah! Ooh! She's hitting me, too!

Amy: That's sign language, dumdum. You're just standing too close.

Bender: What's she saying?

Amy: She says, "Bender, why haven't you visited or called a single time in fifteen years? You bent your mother's heart."

Bender: I'm sorry, Ma! I only wanted to make you proud and stuff. Speakina which, get this! I'm gonna be on the new All My Circuits podcast! Woohoo! Go, Bender! Go, Bender!

[Whirring.]

Amy: She says, "That's nice."

Bender: Nice? Mom, it's a podcast! You love podcasts! Are you feelin ' all right?

[Whirring.]

Amy: She says, "It's nothing. Don't worry. It's just a slight cough. [cough cough]"

Fry: Wow, you are a good translator.

Bender: What's wrong, Mom? Give it to me straight! Are they kickin' you out because I don't bother to pay the bills?

[Whirring.]

Amy: "No, Bender. [cough cough] I'm dying."

[Dramatic sting.]

Transition Announcer: After a brief confusion where Fry stupidly thought Amy was dying, the horrible truth came out.

Bender: Aw, Mom, ya can't die, ya can't! Not without first hearing me on a podcast! Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!

Transition Announcer: The drama only gets worse when Futurama returns! After this word from the Borax Kid.

[Country music.]

Borax Kid: Howdy, folks. If yer like me, and yer probably not, yer made of solid borax. But when it comes to keepin' yer Sunday suit clean and white, solid borax just won't cut it. Ya need flakes. Kloch the Avenger's Borax Flakes, the only flakes made from me, the Borax Kid. Ask for it by chemical formula: Na2-B4-O7-10H2O. This is the Borax Kid sayin' goodnight and always keep one eye on your genitals.

Jingle Singer: N-A-two-B-four-O-seven
Ten-H-two-O!

[Bing!]

Transition Announcer: That was the Borax Kid, ladies and gentlemen! Now before we return to Futurama, we have a special guest. And also Dr. Zoidberg. Here's Hermes Conrad and Dr. Zoidberg!

[Applause.]

Hermes: Thanks, Don. Say, have you heard about the new Futurama game?

Transition Announcer: Yes, I have. And now, back to our show.

Zoidberg: Wait wait! Nobody told me about that! A Futurama game? Why aren't I in it?

Hermes: You are, ya stupid crab! We just didn't pay you!

Zoidberg: Hurray, I'm in it! I just wish I weren't too poor to pay the millions of dolls such fine entertainment must cost.

Hermes: It's free.

Zoidberg: Free? FREE?! I'll take two!

Transition Announcer: Say, Hermes, what's this free top quality game called?

Hermes: Uh, I'm not actually sure.

Transition Announcer: It's called Futurama: Worlds of Tomorrow! Download it now on your mobile device. Available on the App Store and Google Play!

Zoidberg: I don't have a phone.

Transition Announcer: Too bad.