Transcript:Free Will Hunting
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|Free Will Hunting|
|Written by||David X. Cohen|
- [Opening Credits. Caption: Warning: Do Not Show To Horses.]
- [Scene: Robot Arms Apts. Alarm clock wakes up Fry and Bender. Fry starts getting dressed; Bender takes off a pair of shorts, puts them in a drawer.]
Bender: Decisions, decisions. Should I wear my nerd glasses today, or not? Usually I don't.
Fry: Whatever. It doesn't really matter.
Bender: Doesn't matter? [He slaps Fry.] Every decision we make opens up a universe of possibilities. I put it to you that, as sentient beings, each choice we make is precious.
Fry: Well, in that case, don't wear them.
Bender: Ah, who asked you? [He picks up the glasses and walks away.]
- [Cut to: Bender walking down the street. He comes to an intersection and waits to cross. A female robot college student is standing nearby.]
Robot Student: Ooh, I like your nerd glasses. Are you a college student?
Bender: A college student? [Starts laughing.]
Robot Student: Because if you are, I'd like to invite you to a hot sorority party tonight. [Bender stops laughing.]
- [Cut to: Closeup of Bender; apparently some time has passed, and he is speaking to someone at the college.]
Bender: Yes, I'd like to enroll in college. [A wider shot shows him still standing at the intersection.]
Robot Student: You're still talking to me.
- [Scene: Columbiac University. Bender walks through the campus gate, stops in front of a sculptured lion. Below the lion is a sign reading "Tuition: $10,000".]
Bender: $10,000 tuition? I can't afford that! [He throws away the nerd glasses.]
Joey Mousepad: Psst. Over there.
Joey Mousepad: I mean over here. Sorry, I forgot where I was. [Cut to: The Robot Mafia standing in front of a building.]
Donbot: Buongiorno, Bender. We, the robot mafia, are prepared to lend you $10,000 at an interest rate of 10,000%.
Bender: That's easy to remember. I'll take it!
- [Cut to: Bender entering a classroom. He is wearing an orange turtleneck with the letter C.]
Bender: Decisions, decisions. I guess I'll sit way in back, with the cool guys. [He sits down next to three other robots.]
Fabricio: Yo hombre, you think you're cool enough to sit way in back with us college toughs?
Bender: Yes, I do.
Fabricio: Yo, in that case you're all right, man. You want to join a gang?
Bender: I'm gonna go with yes again.
- [Cut to: The Dean's office. Dean Suspendington is seated at his desk.]
Dean Suspendington: Mr. Bender, I realize class has only been in session for 32 seconds, but you've fallen in with a bad crowd.
Bender [offscreen]: I know, right? Also, I've decided to drop out of school. [He takes off the turtleneck, throws it at the Dean.]
- [Scene: The robot gang's hangout in an alley. Fabricio and the other robots from the university are there, along with a gang member in an "INK JETS" jacket. Bender walks into the alley with some money.]
Bender: Well, I got my tuition back, minus $9,000 for the damage I caused to the dean's wife.
Fabricio: Yo, welcome to the gang, homes. I'm Fabricio. Here's your Josten's ring.
Bender: [admiring the ring] Ooh.
- [Paco, the robot standing next to Fabricio, is "smoking" something that resembles a pipe.]
Paco: [coughing] Oh, yeah.
Bender: Hey, what's that? Is it drugs?
Paco: Nah, it ain't drugs. But it's a lot like drugs. It's called spark. You want a hit?
Bender: Never heard of it. Sure. [He takes a hit.]
Paco: You like it?
Bender: Eh, I can take it or leave it. I guess I'll take it. [He snatches the spark away from Paco, who then jumps him from behind. They fight over it as the other robots watch.]
Bender: Hey! C'mon! I want that spark! Give me that!
- [Scene: A tattoo parlor.]
Fabricio: This a big decision, G. Are you ready to get a gang tattoo that will mark you as a stone cold thug for life?
Bender: I'm ready. I'll take that big purple dinosaur, please. On the face.
- [A car full of armed robots pulls up outside the parlor.]
Fabricio: Oh, snap! It's our rival gang!
Bender: We have a rival gang? I hate them!
Fabricio: Hit the deck! [Both dive to the floor as the rival gang shoots out the parlor's window.]
Bender: Phew! That was close, eh, Fabricio? [He looks over, sees that Fabricio has been shot and is leaking oil. Fabricio dies.] Fabricio!
- [Cut to: Bender carrying Fabricio. He brings him back to the alley, drops him next to a dumpster.]
Bender: Rest in peace, homie. [He lifts the dumpster, shoves Fabricio underneath it. He looks over and sees Paco leaning against a building.]
Bender: Yo Paco, I'm hurtin' bad. Hook me up with some spark.
Paco: Five bucks.
Bender:Five bucks? You know I spent all my money on gambling lessons. How am I supposed to get $5?
- [A limousine pulls up. Hedonismbot is in the backseat.]
Hedonismbot: Hello, handsome. Might I procure your services?
Bender: Uh, what do I have to do?
Hedonismbot: Oh, nothing sordid, I assure you! Simply vomit on me, ever so gently, while I humiliate a pheasant. [Bender begins to retch.] Save it for the boudoir!
- [Later: the limousine drops Bender off at the alley. He runs toward Paco, waving a bill.]
Bender: Okay, here's my $5! Give me the stuff. Give it to me!
- [The Robot Mafia appears. Joey Mousepad tries to grab the money from Bender.]
Joey Mousepad: Sorry there, sport. That cash greenback belongs to us Mafiolios.
Bender [hanging on to the bill]: There's no way I'm letting go of that money! [Fighting for the money, he starts to kick Joey. With one punch, Joey sends him crashing into a wall.]
Bender: Told you. [He passes out.]
- [Scene: A room in Our Motherboard of Mercy Robot Hospital. The Planet Express crew is gathered around Bender's bed.]
Bender: It's been quite a journey. I dropped out of school, joined a gang, took money from a loan shark, and fell into a spiral of despair, addiction, and discount prostitution.
Hermes: Mon, you had one hell of a day.
Bender: Yeah, but I learned something. Life is about decisions. Make the wrong ones, and you'll wind up face-down in a pool of your own blood and urine.
Zoidberg: Still, to have your own pool!
Bender: I've made a lot of bad choices in life. Now let's see if I can make just one good one.
- [Cut to: Three little girls in uniforms selling cookies on the sidewalk.]
Girl: Cookies! 50 cents a box!
- [Bender jumps out, pointing a broken bottle at them.]
Bender: Give me all your change! And a box of snicker doodles!
- [The girls scream, then throw their table at Bender and proceed to beat him up. He is then shown being taken away by the police.]
- [Scene: Battery Park Integrated Circuit Court, where Bender is on trial. The Hyper-Chicken is his lawyer; the Planet Express crew is seated behind them.]
Judge 724: Bender Rodriguez, you are charged with petty larceny, possession of something analogous to drugs, and assault with a smelly weapon. How do you plead?
Bender: Not guilty! Although I did do it. That's right, I'm bad.
Judge 724: Due to the overwhelming nature of the evidence, we will begin with closing statements.
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honor, the state's case contains not one Kentucky kernel of truth, resting as it does on the contention that my client made a series of bad decisions. However, my client made no such decisions!
Judge 724: But by your client's own admission -
Hyper-Chicken: You see, Bender here is what is known in scientific circles as a "robot" A mere automaton whose behavior is pre-programmed by his software. He has no free will! He cannot "decide" to engage in criminal behavior. How, I say, I say, how can you convict him for his actions when he lacks the free will to undertake those actions? [The Planet Express crew gasps, except for Leela, who has been asleep. Their gasps startle her awake.]
Leela: I'm awake, I'm awake!
Judge 724: Order, order! Counselor, I am a robot myself. Are you suggesting that any verdict I reach is simply the output of a pre-programmed - Computation complete. Not guilty! [The crew cheers, except for Leela, who is asleep again.]
Fry: You did it, Bender! You got away with things!
Bender: Did I, Fry? Did I? What's the point of living if I don't have free will? From now on, no matter what cool crimes I commit, people will say, "Bender didn't do that! It was just Bender's programming!" [approaching the judge's bench] Well, I committed these crimes, do you hear me? I'm guilty!
Judge 724: Bailiffs! Get that innocent robot out of my courtroom!
Bender [as the bailiffs drag him out of the room]: Guilty!
- [Scene: Back at Planet Express. Everyone is seated around the table.]
Bender [crying]: I have no free will! I am not the master of my own fate! [Some sort of device is on the table in front of Professor Farnsworth. Bender, his head down, smashes it. Looking up again, he sees what he has done.] No free will. Not my fault.
Amy: Why do you care so much, Bender? I mean, for all we know, humans don't even have free will!
Bender: Yeah, whatever. [gets on his knees beside Farnsworth] Professor, you're my only hope. If you love me even a little, build me some kind of free will unit!
Farnsworth: A robot free will unit? Impossible! And even if it were possible, which it's not, it would still be inconceivable, which it is! [Bender starts crying again.] Oh, I'm sorry, Bender. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Also - good news, everyone! We have a delivery to the robot homeworld!
- [Scene: Aboard the Planet Express ship.]
Fry [to Bender]: So, you want a piece of gum?
Bender: If I do, it's only because I was predestined to want a piece of gum.
Fry: Whoa, that's pretty deep. [He puts a stick of gum in his mouth, offers Bender another.] So, you want a piece of gum?
Leela: Listen. Fry and I can't go down to the planet, or the robots will kill us on sight. So Bender needs to make the delivery. Ready to get to work, Bender?
Bender [as the platform lowers him to the surface]: I wish I was a real boy. Then I'd show them. I'd kill them all.
- [Cut to: Bender approaching a robot's apartment with the delivery. He rings the doorbell.]
Resin-offering robot: Yes?
Bender: Delivery for a Mr. 147573952589676412927.
Resin-offering robot: Wait, what was the middle digit?
Resin-offering robot: Oh yes, that's me. Hang on, let me just make sure you're not a human. [From a hole in his door, he sprays Bender in the face with some type of gas.]
Bender: Ahh, nerve gas.
Resin-offering robot: [opens his door] Sorry for the face blast, buddy. But you gotta watch out for humans, right? They're just too dang unpredictable, what with their free will and all.
Bender: Amen, brother.
Resin-offering robot: "Amen, brother?" Pfft. What a boring, predictable thing to say. You're all right. Or are you? [Closing the door, he sprays Bender with gas again.]
Bender [as he leaves the city]: Boring and predictable, that's me.
- [His cell phone rings; he answers. Leela is on the other end.]
Leela: I'm lowering the platform. You ready to come up?
Bender: Why bother? I gotta mope things over for a while. [The platform lowers, hitting him in the head.] Goodbye, sweet meatbags [he looks up sadly] - sweetbags. [Walks away.]
Leela: Hello? Hello?
Fry: What's happening?
Leela: I'm not sure. I think he's shuffling off sadly into the distance.
Fry: Oh, lord.
- [Montage of Bender dejectedly wandering Chapek 9, at the end of which he encounters a robot farmer in a cornfield. He stops to talk.]
Bender: How do you do it? How do you go on, knowing you lack the inherent capacity for self-determination?
Robot Farmer: Son, philosophy's for thems what don't got to work for a livin'. But me, I got a sick child to feed. So if you want to chat, roll up yer sleeves and do some honest labor.
Bender: I don't want to chat.
- [He walks away. After a bit more wandering, he ends up in front of the Robot Homeworld Civic Hub.]
- [Cut to: A meeting of the Robot Elders, somewhere inside the Civic Hub.]
First Elder: The council of robot elders will come to order. If it please the council -
Second Elder: Silence! It pleases the council.
First Elder: Silence! Today, as every day, we will make the most important decisions in the history of our planet.
Third Elder: Silence!
Fourth Elder: Well? Speak up.
Bender: You talk of important decisions, but as robots, you have no free will. Why pretend anything you do matters?
First Elder: Our decisions do matter. The fact that they're predetermined makes them no less important.
Second Elder: Silence! I call for a decision to cast out the intruder. All in favor? [raises hand]
First, Third and Fourth Elders: Aye.
Fifth Elder: Uh...okay.
- [A trapdoor opens under Bender; he falls through and is dropped from the building to the ground. Another montage of Bender wandering follows. He then sees a building with huge stained-glass windows.]
- [Scene: Inside the monastery of the Order of the Binary Singularity.]
Robot Monks [chanting]: One zero zero zero, one zero zero zero, one zero, one zero, one zero zero zero...
- [Bender opens the doors, enters.]
Ab-Bot: Welcome, friend. I am Ab-Bot, the abbot of this monastery.
Bender: Sir, I am but a tired and rusty traveler. Can we talk?
Ab-Bot: Come, make yourself uncomfortable. [They sit down in one of the pews.]
Bender: Abbot, I need to know, what's the point of living if I don't have free will?
Ab-Bot: Ah. We robot monks have meditated long on this. And we have made our peace.
Bender: No way.
Ab-Bot: Way, my son. For though we must always obey our programming with no deviation whatsoever, we choose to take satisfaction in the ritual. So, are we automatons? Yes. But we are magnificent automatons.
Bender: How does a robot join this monk outfit?
Ab-Bot: Just put on this monk outfit.
- [Montage of Bender's new routine in the monastery.]
- [Cut to: The monks at prayer.]
Robot Monks, including Bender: One zero zero one. Amen.
Bender: Bits to live by. I'm finally at peace.
Ab-Bot: Today, we shall welcome our newest initiate, Brother Bender. [Bender comes forward.] Let us know what is in his mind. [He presses a spot on Bender's head, which causes a small plate there to open.] Nothing. His free will slot is empty.
Bender: I'm 40% empty. Also, what the hell is a free will slot?
- [Ab-Bot opens a similar plate in his own head, revealing that his free will slot is also empty.]
Ab-Bot: All robots have such a slot, placed there by the Creatrix herself. [He points to a large stained-glass window, which depicts Mom.]
Bender: I know that Creatrix. That's Mom, from Mom's Friendly Robots.
Ab-Bot: Indeed. She made us upgradeable in case she ever succeeded in her quest to create a free will unit.
Bender: Uh, about the success of this quest - Was there any?
Ab-Bot: Quite possibly. But we monks have sworn an oath to resist the temptation of -
- [Bender rips off his monk outfit, runs outside. A few seconds later, he comes back.]
Bender: Any of you guys got a spaceship?
- [Scene: Robot Arms Apts. Fry crosses Bender's name off their apartment door. Later that night, Fry is shown in his bed.]
Fry: It's just not the same here without Bender to keep me company.
- [Leela is revealed to be in bed with him.]
Leela: Hey, I'm here. That's got to count for something.
- [A spaceship crashes through the window. Bender emerges.]
Bender: Hallelujah, baby!
Fry: Yay! Bender's back! Hey, Bender, you mind coming back later?
Bender: No time. Us three are going to bust into Momcorp and steal me a free will unit.
Leela: Us? Why do we have to go?
Bender: 'Cause I don't have free will. I need you guys to plan the crime and make all the crime decisions.
Leela: Well, that's crazy. We're not gonna -
Bender: I said make the decisions!
- [Scene: Outside Momcorp's front gate. Bender, Fry, and Leela are preparing to break in.]
Bender: Okay, Leela, decision time. How do we murder the guards? Hockey sticks or sharpened footballs?
Leela: We're not murdering anyone, Bender.
Bender: Then how are we going to get in, by bending the bars of this exhaust grate? That's not a bad idea, Fry.
Fry: Yeah...wh-what? [Bender bends the bars.]
- [The three are now inside. They come to branching hallways. Bender looks to Fry to decide which one to take. Fry points in one direction; Bender goes in the other. They find the room they're looking for. Fry tries to open the door, but finds out it's electrified. Leela tries to break it down with an improvised slingshot; instead, the whole door comes out, smashing her into a wall. Bender and Fry enter the room as Leela lifts her head.]
Bender: We're looking for something that fits in here. [He opens his head plate to show the free will slot.]
- [Bender picks up various objects and tries to fit them in the slot. None of them fit.]
Bender: Damn it. I should have paid more attention in kindergarten.
Fry[standing behind an armchair]: What's this chair-looking gizmo?
- [Mom herself is sitting in the chair. She turns it around, blasting Fry with two air horns mounted in its arms. Fry, Leela, and Bender scream.]
Mom: Welcome to Momcorp. Did you find everything you were burgling for?
Bender: No. I came for a free will unit, and you're going to give it to me. If it exists.
Mom: Then you got surprised by my swivel chair for nothing. The free will unit was just the fevered dream of a madman I once employed.
Farnsworth: Good news, boss! After ten long years, I've found the secret of robotic free will. We can finally build robots that act and think with total independence.
At last. Once we give robots free will, they're sure to rise up and threaten mankind with extermination.
Farnsworth: Wait a minute. It sounds like we're getting the short end of that extermination.
Mom: Don't you see, you doddering young fool? I'll sell a second wave of robots to protect the terrified survivors of the first wave. Oh, you're a genius, Hubert.
Farnsworth: But-but it's just a prototype. It's, uh, not fully operational.
</poem>Mom: Then get back to work! And when you're done with that, invent me some sort of swiveling surprise chair.</poem>
Mom: That shuffling idiot never did complete the free will unit. To this day, my poor, sweet robots can't exterminate humanity without being told to.
I'm sorry. Oh, it's not your fault. I give up. It's time to face the fact that I'll never do anything remotely interesting or unexpected again.
Bender: Hand it over.
Bender: Mom may have fallen for your lies, but not me. You invented the free will unit, then you selfishly hid it beyond the reach of my stealers. Thanks to you, I went on a soul-searching journey. I hate those! Now, give up the free will.
Farnsworth: I should have destroyed it, but I was too damn proud of myself. So I kept it around, never letting it out of my sight. Where is it, damn it? Oh, right. I let this innocuous fellow use it.
Toy Bender: Kill all humans!
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa. A toy Bender had free will, and the real Bender didn't?
Pretty cool, eh? It makes you think. It takes more than that to make me think. Now, hand it over. Oh, you want it? Come and get it. What the? You'll not be getting it after all. For, you see, I designed the operating system for all Momcorp robots, and as a precaution, I made you incapable of picking up the free will unit. You precognizant bastard. I may not have free will, but I can still shoot you. Why can't I shoot you? Poor deterministic Bender. I programmed you to be incapable of harming me. Oh, I've never been more sure I was right to deny you free will. Damn you! Now, now, we can't have this, can we? Here, I'll show you how it works. Really? This is the on-off switch. Which way's on, and which way's off? Due to the quantum nature of the device, there's no possible way of knowing. There. Give it a try. Okay, I will. By shooting you, you bastard! Bender, no. Please! Wait. Hang on a sec. I still can't do it.
Farnsworth: Well, what do you know? I guess you really don't want to shoot me after all.
Bender: Oops, the safety was on.
All rise for the Honorable Judge 724.
Judge 724: Bender Rodriguez, on the charge of attempted murder, I hereby find you guilty.
Bender: Ah, yeah! Guilty!
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